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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'Boys' work night out

234 replies

thistimenextmonth · 07/10/2020 10:05

I am part of a 3 person senior management team where I work. I am in the middle of the other 2 in terms of seniority.

We have a team of 60 employees with 4 junior managers beneath us.

2 colleagues (male) have left the workplace recently and one of the junior managers has organised a few drinks to say farewell, my boss (male) and the other manager (also male) have been invited along with the junior managers and a couple of others on site.

I have not been invited and no other women have either. The reason given was it is a boys night.

This has only just happened so I am still reeling a bit. There are no other female managers which is why I am asking here if I should be feeling this uncomfortable about it? My boss hasn't said anything but when I mentioned to the other manager he seemed to 'get it' which is why I know the answer of it was a 'boys night' I feel disrespected and dissapointed. AIBU?

OP posts:
valtandsinegar · 07/10/2020 10:08

Ugh, sounds juvenile. I'd count myself lucky and let them get on with it.

formerbabe · 07/10/2020 10:14

This has only just happened so I am still reeling a bit

Bit of an over reaction.

Asterion · 07/10/2020 10:15

@formerbabe

This has only just happened so I am still reeling a bit

Bit of an over reaction.

I don't think it's an overreaction to blatant sexism. So it's a farewell drinks do, but only males have been invited?

Worth making a note of!

Original poster
thistimenextmonth · 07/10/2020 10:23

@formerbabe

This has only just happened so I am still reeling a bit

Bit of an over reaction.

Perhaps reeling was the wrong word, trying to figure out how I feel and if it is an issue.
OP posts:
Original poster
thistimenextmonth · 07/10/2020 10:25

I think it bothers me because the other 2 senior managers have been invited but not me purely because I am a woman. If the team wanted to have a night out that's fine but when management is invited but only the men is my issue?

OP posts:
Asterion · 07/10/2020 10:28

As it's been organised by a junior manager, and it looks very bad for the company, I would suggest you discuss it with your fellow senior managers, and ask them if they're comfortable for the firm to be condoning this.

Original poster
thistimenextmonth · 07/10/2020 10:30

@Asterion

As it's been organised by a junior manager, and it looks very bad for the company, I would suggest you discuss it with your fellow senior managers, and ask them if they're comfortable for the firm to be condoning this.
Thank you I will.
OP posts:
Cheeseandwin5 · 07/10/2020 10:32

This really depends if its a company event ( they will be covering the costs etc) or an event which although will having plenty of your work colleagues going but none the less is a private affair.
We have plenty of ladies nights out that are organised by women in our company so I supposed it would be unfair for me to complain if it happens the other way round.

Asterion · 07/10/2020 10:35

@Cheeseandwin5

This really depends if its a company event ( they will be covering the costs etc) or an event which although will having plenty of your work colleagues going but none the less is a private affair. We have plenty of ladies nights out that are organised by women in our company so I supposed it would be unfair for me to complain if it happens the other way round.
Yes, but a Ladies Night is just that. Whereas this is Goodbye Drinks for a colleague.
DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 07/10/2020 10:36

It's perfectly ok to have a 'boys' night or a 'girls' night imo.

With all the restrictions on nights out at the minute I would think limiting numbers is a good thing.

ArchbishopOfBanterbury · 07/10/2020 10:39

Are there 6 males? If so, excluding the females sounds like an easy, lazy way to keep to the rule of 6.

Nottherealslimshady · 07/10/2020 10:40

So you want to be invited on a Las night out just because you're their boss?

Nottherealslimshady · 07/10/2020 10:40

*lads night out

Original poster
thistimenextmonth · 07/10/2020 10:44

@ArchbishopOfBanterbury

Are there 6 males? If so, excluding the females sounds like an easy, lazy way to keep to the rule of 6.
No there are more than 6 invited so would be breaking rule of 6 anyway.
OP posts:
Original poster
thistimenextmonth · 07/10/2020 10:45

@Nottherealslimshady

So you want to be invited on a Las night out just because you're their boss?
It's farewell drinks to colleagues that we all work with where the only reason I'm not invited, when the other senior managers are is because I'm a woman.
OP posts:
EBearhug · 07/10/2020 10:46

I don't think it would be looked on well at my place of work. The added complication currently is that you shouldn't have more than 6 together, so there has to be some cut-off. But this does look like blatant sexism, and it's things like this which make you realise they may tolerate you, but don't actually see you as one of them (I am the only woman in my department, do have seen this dort of thing before.)

I would raise it, because it's these minor things which add up - I work in tech, and there's a lot said about why don't we have more women in STEM careers, focusing on getting them interested at schools and so on, which is important - but while the workplace is mostly white men, it's they who create the working culture, through sheer numbers, but most of them think as long as they're not groping you by the printer (back when we used to be in the office) or sending you sleazy messages online, they're doing enough. But they're not, and they need to be shown how things like this makes others feel left out and not included. It may not be a big thing in itself, and women in male-dominated workplaces tend to develop thick skins, but it's death by 1000 cuts, and men often don't realise how they contribute to it.

SicklyToaster · 07/10/2020 10:47

Is it going to be funded by the company?
If not, I don't really see what the issue is.
Were you friends with the people leaving?

NiceGerbil · 07/10/2020 10:48

It's really out of order to organise leaving drinks and not invite everyone

Having said that, if they were a group of course work friends who always went out together and it was a casual thing is be ok with that.

Although the idea that some men at work would have an exclusive boys gang seems a bit odd.

It sounds like the first though in which case no that's utter bollocks and I'd be utterly pissed off as well.

Asterion · 07/10/2020 10:48

@SicklyToaster

Is it going to be funded by the company? If not, I don't really see what the issue is. Were you friends with the people leaving?
The issue is a company culture of sexism.
NiceGerbil · 07/10/2020 10:50

Sorry missed the latest post.

No that's totally out of order. I'd be livid. How many women have been excluded across the board?

The fact they even cooked up this plan is bizarre. Oh let's arrange some leaving drinks. Who shall we invite? Just the men.

Erm. No.

seayork2020 · 07/10/2020 10:50

If it is a company event there may be a complaint, if it is just a few people have decided not sure you can cry discrimination?

Malachite234 · 07/10/2020 10:50

Why would you want to go drinking with a group of males anyway ? YABU, also maybe the juts don’t like you personally or feel they want to talk about things that they know wouldn’t interest you. Maybe their wives would give them a hard time if they were hanging out with a female colleague?

You are too sensitive. Get over it.

Original poster
thistimenextmonth · 07/10/2020 10:50

@SicklyToaster

Is it going to be funded by the company? If not, I don't really see what the issue is. Were you friends with the people leaving?
I was as much as a colleague as the other managers who have been invited. If the other senior managers had not been invited, it wouldn't bother me. But in a team of 3 senior managers including me, the men have been invited and I haven't.
OP posts:
Asterion · 07/10/2020 10:51

@Malachite234

Why would you want to go drinking with a group of males anyway ? YABU, also maybe the juts don’t like you personally or feel they want to talk about things that they know wouldn’t interest you. Maybe their wives would give them a hard time if they were hanging out with a female colleague?

You are too sensitive. Get over it.

OMG, what century are we in here Shock
IJustWantSomeBees · 07/10/2020 10:52

As it is an event that has been organised privately and there are number restrictions I do not think you will be able to prove that it's sexism. I personally wouldn't say/do anything formally but would definitely make a note of it. It's certainly disrespectful to only invite 2 out of 3 managers and does not make the organiser look good at all.

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