'Boys' work night out

[thistimenextmonth]

I am part of a 3 person senior management team where I work. I am in the middle of the other 2 in terms of seniority.

We have a team of 60 employees with 4 junior managers beneath us.

2 colleagues (male) have left the workplace recently and one of the junior managers has organised a few drinks to say farewell, my boss (male) and the other manager (also male) have been invited along with the junior managers and a couple of others on site.

I have not been invited and no other women have either. The reason given was it is a boys night.

This has only just happened so I am still reeling a bit. There are no other female managers which is why I am asking here if I should be feeling this uncomfortable about it? My boss hasn't said anything but when I mentioned to the other manager he seemed to 'get it' which is why I know the answer of it was a 'boys night' I feel disrespected and dissapointed. AIBU?

This is depressingly familiar. I used to be one of the lads, went out all the time with work and got hammered until 2 in the morning. I viewed my male colleagues as my friends. Then I got pregnant, so obviously no drinking, and was never incited, which I didn't mind. When I came back from mat leave, I stupidly let slip to someone that I was still breastfeeding, and when I asked about where Thursday drinks were because I had planned to go out and give DH the night with the baby, they said that wasn't good for the baby and I shouldn't be drinking at all, ever, if still breastfeeding. I turned into some sort of sacred mother in their eyes, who must not be sullied with booze and banter.

@NiceGerbil
That seems the general theme of mumsnet tbh. It's nice to see a place predominantly with other women but some people are really harsh to men😳

But the OP isn't the only one left out. There are other women who work where she does. If she was the only person at her workplace who was female and thus the only one in the workplace who wasn't invited, fair play.

She isn't.

Leave them to it then grass them up when they're out

Did they invite ALL the men in the company? If not why not, surley they should have. Clealry a lads night out and all #bloodylads are invited....

Honestly, if this is the epicentre of your problems, and you need to seek solace in an online forum, then it aint all bad!

If she was the only woman in the whole workplace and they didn't invite her it would be just as bad, why wouldn't it be!

Nuts thread.

Were any men left out?
Personally I would want to be invited because others want to spend time with me rather than being invited out of obligation.
At the minute I have no wish to go out socialising anyway with the current situation but that's another issue

They invited all the men on the team plus managers.

They didn't invite the 5 women -4 on the team and 1 female manager.

To a leaving drink for 2 of the men.

Amazed that so many are cool with this.

@growinggreyer

What a shitshow this thread has turned out to be. People at work are supposed to be adults and professional. There is no place in that for "not liking" your colleague and excluding them from a social event because she is female. That is how men used to get ahead of women and how they continue to do so - by having all male clubs and events where promotions and deals are made but - oh dear, you have inconvenient genitals so you can't come.

OP, your junior colleague has behaved badly to you and now you have seen that you are not accepted by him as even his equal never mind his superior. He will expect to leapfrog you in seniority because you are lesser than him. He can't even envisage a scenario where you might damage his career progression over this snub.

Quite!

Obviously this is a public forum and I have had all sorts of replies but really disappointing to see so many women take time out to reply but just tell me I'm too sensitive, why bother if you're not going to actually explain why I am? That's why I asked in the first place.

I have been in male dominated workplaces all my life, spent a decade in the armed forces, worked my way up in the security industry because I'm good at my job and I get on with people, see casual sexism, racism and discrimination all the time and call it out trying to make the workplace better for my team, but like you say, when it comes to it, to be included and respected, I'm not and the other women are not. Its opened my eyes anyway, this hasn't happened before which is why it has surprised me. They don't go out together because they all work shifts so when one team is off the other 3 are working so it is not a social thing that happens regularly.

What baffles me is that you are obviously a highly experienced professional adult and yet you start a thread asking whether you are being unreasonable about feeling disrespected and disappointed about something very clearly and apparently - not being unreasonable

New kitchen

In all of my workplaces, team drinks/ leaving drinks are general invitation.

If you don't want to go you can say no.

It's not complicated. And is quite normal.

A lot of you must work in really horrible work environments tbh

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

But the OP isn't the only one left out. There are other women who work where she does. If she was the only person at her workplace who was female and thus the only one in the workplace who wasn't invited, fair play.

She isn't.

Doesn't matter. It's a leaving do. It was organised by someone in the organisation to say goodbye to someone who is leaving the company. It is therefore a work related do and should include all appropriate people in the organisation, regardless of sex. So if men who work with him are invited, so should women who work with him.

And I've been working since the late 80s.

About 10 different places over the years.

This would never have happened because it's totally out of order. It wouldn't have even crossed anyone's minds!

I have seen the question asked a few times but I still haven't seen it answer ( apologies if this is due to my eyesight).
Is the Company paying for the party or is the night being paid for by the people going.

@HomeSliceKnowsBest

Yup, that will ensure that she is invited on future nights out...

Is this where we are, grassing up colelgues because you have not been invited to their birthday party..

I have worked in a range of organisations over the years - private and public sector and I am a guy (not that it matters)

I have see situations where people were left out of events but dont ever recall it being due to gender. In one lace I worked the "senior managers" as they liked to call themselves had a few nice things going for themselves and you learned after a while that, while I was invited to certain things, some events me and a couple of colleagues were not invited to some things.

It also happened that the first year that I was at the organisation and my (female) equivalent in another plant was invited to an event at the CEO's house - I wasn't sure why I wasn't invited - it was either the fact that I was only there a few months or the fact that I spoke out about a quality / involvement issue and stuck to my guns. The following and subsequent years I was invited and developed very good personal relationships.

So, I do think that you to be excluded purely on gender is pretty pathetic. At this latter stage of my career I would have no isue in calling the junior manager out on it and inform your two senior colleagues of your issues with it.

Someone made a very good point above - if you don't call some of this stuff out how do you expect females at a lower level in the organisation to deal with it.

@Cheeseandwin5

I have seen the question asked a few times but I still haven't seen it answer ( apologies if this is due to my eyesight). Is the Company paying for the party or is the night being paid for by the people going.

That is irrelevant. It was organised by a manager for a colleague who is leaving. That makes it a work related event.

Are the other 58 people up in arms about not being invited. Just sounds like 6 friends going for a drink . Being there manager doesn't automatically mean they should invite you .

It’s a “brave” and stupid man in today’s world that does something that has even a whiff of obvious sexism about it

Cheese it doesn't matter. It really doesn't.

A leaving drink/ team drink is always a general invite. It just is. I have never worked anywhere, where that wasn't the case.

If a group of friends want to go out and have a drink that's a different matter. That's not what this is.

It's a leaving drink for 2 colleagues, and all have been invited except the 5 women. On the basis that it's for men only.

It's just completely bizarre.

It was organised by a manager for a colleague who is leaving. That makes it a work related event.

Replace “leaving” with a birthday celebration. Also a work related event?

yes its wrong and sexist-i dont know how theyre going to get round the rule of six though you cant book anywhere with more than that its now against the law

OP would you have actually gone had you been asked? Please be honest.

They probably just want a boys night

I dnt think it's personal they probably think you wouldn't want to go it it was just the boys going.

I know I wouldn't
I definitely wouldn't take it personally