Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Interfering in laws

165 replies

EmmieC · 06/10/2020 15:47

Hi all,

I’m 28 weeks pregnant (first baby) and just wanted to see if I’m in the wrong to be upset about my in laws. Apologies as it’s quite long.

So, 2 days after telling PIL I was pregnant, they decided to buy a new car to “fit a pram in” I personally found this very strange but I don’t like to upset people or arguments so didn’t say anything to them. I brought it up to my partner about how worried I was about them interfering. (They have been stopped from seeing their other grandchildren twice due to interfering). He said that they had the others at a young age so probably assumed, so I left it.

Last night I went round and they said “we’ve ordered a cot”. They haven’t once asked us if they’d like us to get things for their house. I was very upset and told them not to assume I’d want them to have my baby at a young age. To which they replied “oh yes you will” and I walked out their house crying. My partner stayed and told them they had gone too far and they were becoming too overbearing. FIL then said “she’s just overprotective because her own mums dead and is jealous of us having a relationship with the new baby”.

AIBU to think that’s an extremely rude and hurtful thing to say and that they should have asked us about the cot first or am I being hormonal?

Well done if you manages to read it all 😂

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 06/10/2020 15:53

They do sound overbearing and that comment about your mum was really uncalled for. You can't stop them making assumptions and buying things they won't need, the best thing you can do is work together with your partner to come up with some boundaries, try not to rise to their behaviour and just say no if something doesn't work for you and try to avoid being drawn into a debate about it

Leaannb · 06/10/2020 15:54

FILs comment was extremely rude and I would be calling him up on that. Just remember they are free to spend their money however they want but you do not have to give into the pressure of letting them keep your baby

aprilanne · 06/10/2020 15:55

After you calm down just inform them or even better get your husband to inform them that the baby will not be staying over night until you and he feel comfortable. But the cot may be a good idea for when u visit them you cant have baby say in a car seat for hours or say you need to go to appointments and they look after little one for a few hrs .but if they have form just be very clear from day one .I am sorry your mum not here that will be a big thing for you I understand and that was nasty for them to say about her no doubt there.

FlitterMouse · 06/10/2020 15:55

Congratulations on your pg. Let them spend their money, it doesnt mean you will allow them to have your new baby but it might come in useful one day when you're there and baby needs a nap and they are not just for newborns. Try and ignore their silly comments, dont rise to it. Just sort of give them a banal non committal half smile. I wouldnt bother offering to buy them anything for their house.

Sunnydaysstillhere · 06/10/2020 15:56

Remember they have had their own babies. You are not obliged in any way to share yours...

thetangleteaser · 06/10/2020 15:56

YANBU at all. My baby is 9 months old and I wouldn’t even dream of letting her sleep away from me yet, others are more comfortable with it. It’s a completely personal choice and I would be exactly the same. You may feel differently when the baby arrives and be grateful for a night off or you may not. If they want to risk wasting their money on unnecessary items, let them. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to!

TheHighestSardine · 06/10/2020 15:59

Nail your boundaries immediately. They are going to be charging in like elephants otherwise. Make sure DP is on board, he's doing good so far and you need to be a solid wall together.

MereDintofPandiculation · 06/10/2020 15:59

AIBU to think that’s an extremely rude and hurtful thing to say He didn't say it to you, he said it to his son.

User4152790 · 06/10/2020 16:02

He didn't say it to you, he said it to his son.

It’s rude and hurtful no matter who he said it to!

Original poster
EmmieC · 06/10/2020 16:03

Thank you for your replies. I agree that they can spend their money on what they like and are excited but I struggle to understand why they would think buying a cot without asking is a normal thing to do as we live round the corner from them. My partner is fully on my side and agrees they could be a problem when our baby arrives. We have asked them several times not to assume as I find it very offensive :)

OP posts:
aprilanne · 06/10/2020 16:03

Meredinto it doesn't matter who he said it to he still said it .and it's still bloody rude imagine having your first baby your mum dead and your fil said basically oh well her mum is dead who cares that's how it will have came across it's still an awful thing to say

Original poster
EmmieC · 06/10/2020 16:05

@MereDintofPandiculation Yes he said it to his son. However, he knows his son would obviously tell his partner (me). It’s rude to say it at all. Be excuses for that.

OP posts:
Gatehouse77 · 06/10/2020 16:06

In your position I would be frustrated and annoyed with them. I'd have a long, frank discussion with your partner and make sure you're both on the same page.
Present that to the in-laws with assurances that you won't be swayed by pressure, emotional blackmail or downright rudeness.

Original poster
EmmieC · 06/10/2020 16:10

@Gatehouse77 I agree. We explained that they need to step back a bit as they are becoming a little too involved. I know whatever we say they won’t listen as DP’s brother has been trying to tell them for years and they never listen. Ultimately having their visits stopped from his kids twice in the last 2 years. I pray they actually listen this time as my own family are 350 miles away, so I have no support other than DP. Confused

OP posts:
SpaceOP · 06/10/2020 16:12

The comment about your mum is absolutely 100% not on and very hurtful. I hope your DH made it very clear how unacceptable it was.

Them buying stuff is a bit overbearing and annoying, but I'm not sure I'd be walking out crying. Just remember, they can buy what they like but quite frankly, doesn't mean it will get used.

Having said that, if you spend a lot of time at their house, a cot is a useful thing as it means you can put baby down for a nap while the adult s are having tea or whatever. Certainly, my mum had a range of baby stuff that wasn't designed for her to have the baby alone (she did not want that!!) but to make visiting her house a lot easier - cribs, changing mats, toys, sterilising equipment, high chairs, walkers, crockery/cutlery etc. And it definitely was convenient not having to worry about carting stuff around when going to hers.

Buying a new car for the pram IS odd though! Grin

SpaceOP · 06/10/2020 16:13

What I always find weird about these threads is WHY would a grandparent want the child all night etc? I mean, my parents have always said the best thing about being grandparents is they get to do the fun stuff then hand kids back to us to do bed time/night wakings/ nappies etc!

Sunnydaysstillhere · 06/10/2020 16:14

No way should you be considering unsupervised contact for a long long time op. They will take a mile not an inch..

sunshinesheila · 06/10/2020 16:16

I find that you only have to be really rude to someone once or twice and they get the message. If you can't beat them join em. Foot down hard and fast now to assert your place for the future as baby's mum and boss in the decision department.

Aquamarine1029 · 06/10/2020 16:17

I would be pulling right back from these people. Create very firm boundaries and stick to them.

user1493413286 · 06/10/2020 16:21

That comment is very hurtful. I think seeing as your partner is on your side and won’t pressure you to do anything you’re not comfortable with then I’d just leave your parents in law to it in terms of what they buy and try not to let it bother you. It may be helpful to agree with your DP what you’re happy with about visiting when the baby arrives and how he (not you) will manage it if they ignore your requests.

Original poster
EmmieC · 06/10/2020 16:22

I agree on the crying front 😂 I’m not a cryer at all but hormonal and I felt like they were saying I’d be a shit mother (ridiculous I know) and I realised I was right about them interfering. I absolutely want my son to have a good relationship with his grandparents and I can’t give him that as my dad lives 350 miles away and my mum died when I was 11. So, I really do hope they settle down a bit

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 06/10/2020 16:30

They can't make you do anything. They have to ask. Just remember that.

IntermittentParps · 06/10/2020 16:45

YANBU. They sound like weirdos. I read about this on here all the time and I just don't understand why some in-laws are so obsessed with having their son and DIL's child at theirs overnight as a tiny baby.

Teacaketotty · 06/10/2020 16:47

I had this - my MIL has a high chair and cot in her house that has never been used by my one year old. Yes it’s annoying but it’s her money she’s wasting.

It’s annoying if you could have used the help to buy something for your house that can actually be used!

SnuggyBuggy · 06/10/2020 16:47

I don't get the newborn sleepover thing either. Even my difficult DGM didn't try to get us overnight. I'm wondering if some grandparents get competitive in an "I've had my DGC overnight since they were 2 weeks" way with each other.

Swipe left for the next trending thread