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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Interfering in laws

165 replies

EmmieC · 06/10/2020 15:47

Hi all,

I’m 28 weeks pregnant (first baby) and just wanted to see if I’m in the wrong to be upset about my in laws. Apologies as it’s quite long.

So, 2 days after telling PIL I was pregnant, they decided to buy a new car to “fit a pram in” I personally found this very strange but I don’t like to upset people or arguments so didn’t say anything to them. I brought it up to my partner about how worried I was about them interfering. (They have been stopped from seeing their other grandchildren twice due to interfering). He said that they had the others at a young age so probably assumed, so I left it.

Last night I went round and they said “we’ve ordered a cot”. They haven’t once asked us if they’d like us to get things for their house. I was very upset and told them not to assume I’d want them to have my baby at a young age. To which they replied “oh yes you will” and I walked out their house crying. My partner stayed and told them they had gone too far and they were becoming too overbearing. FIL then said “she’s just overprotective because her own mums dead and is jealous of us having a relationship with the new baby”.

AIBU to think that’s an extremely rude and hurtful thing to say and that they should have asked us about the cot first or am I being hormonal?

Well done if you manages to read it all 😂

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 06/10/2020 22:52

I had a cot. But it was second hand (with new mattress) for DGC to sleep in during the day when visiting with their parents. It went in a spare room and came in very handy.

I never had babies overnight unless their parents stayed too.

Shizzlestix · 06/10/2020 23:28

Crying might be a manipulative technique to get her own way. It is your choice if your baby stays at theirs , they don’t get to dictate this.

seayork2020 · 06/10/2020 23:35

My IL's offered to buy us a cot for which we were thankful of, they also had the family cot at their place which saved us having to take a travel cot when DS stayed over, when we visited my parents overseas they borrowed stuff for DS so we did not have to lug anything.

Sure they sound a little odd but I don't get this parents own their baby like they are a possession

My IL's were excited they were having another grandchild and my parents were excited for their first - it was a happy time it did not have to be a over emotional competition over a baby.

We loved having DS stay at his grandparents and they came to see DS when he was born when visiting time at the hospital was on.

SharpLily · 06/10/2020 23:48

Maybe you're hormonal and oversensitive, maybe not. Maybe they're manipulative and overbearing or maybe they're just excited and want to be involved. However the part that stands out to me is the history with the other grandchildren, that's the big red flag right there. I wish I'd taken that information on board with my own in-laws but instead I learned the hard way.

Try to maintain a good relationship but as others have said, set clear boundaries and stick to them. If you give an inch they'll take a mile.

Pixxie7 · 07/10/2020 00:02

I can understand why your upset, however remember that a few months down the road you may well need their help with childcare. They can’t do anything without your agreement, so I would just let it go.

elmouno · 07/10/2020 00:07

I'm going to go against the grain here.

  1. They buy you things.
  2. They want to give you free childcare.
  3. They don't try to keep their son as a manchild and tell him that he's not the father of your baby or something.

On the scale of nasty in laws out there, you don't even make the chart.

Stop complaining. It's this kind of complaint that makes people assume that the young eat avocado toast everyday. People need to get a grip.

Elsewyre · 07/10/2020 00:28

I dont get the annoyance untill the comment?

Thier having a grand child so made some minor adaptations to thier lifes to accommodate if needed.

I find it more strange to have the stance that the grandkids will not be staying at grandparents as the default.

We got sent to my nans for mum and dad to have a break a fair bit.

SheSaidHummingbird · 07/10/2020 00:40

How do you know, word for word, what was said after you had left the house?

Jux · 07/10/2020 01:01

My MIL was a grandmother who was determined to have dd overnight from, well, pretty much the day she was born (it didn't happen, but ws hard as dh just wouldn't get involved at all).

My theory is that MIL's daughter was 40ish and an alcoholic and had not been able to hold onto a job for quite a few years; she was subsidised by MIL for years anyway. SO MIL wanted to have another 'go' at parenthood and obvs with only one gc (my dd) she was who was going to be 'her' baby, MIL's 2nd chance.

Didn't happen. I was continually quizzed about how much my own mum saw of dd, what mum might have done with dd and so on. It was enormously intrusive and controlling and a hell of a lot of wasted energy, let alone the emotional turmoil it visited upon me. I was utterly miserable for years because of it.

Jent13c · 07/10/2020 03:23

My parents went out and bought a heap of stuff without asking me and it was such a waste of money it drove me insane. A travel cot for my cosleeping child that was never used, bottles and steriliser for my breastfed child, a baby bath when they have a perfectly good bathtub. They also bought a front facing car seat when he was just a year with terrible safety ratings so he has never been in it. If they had just asked I would have told them what I needed and fully appreciated it but 3 years on the only thing I've used at their house is nappies.
Personally I'd let your Inlaws crack on and try not to get upset about it. When baby arrives if you feel like you need support then they are there and have baby stuff ready but if not then that's fine too. At some point you will want a baby sitter but it doesnt have to be until you feel comfortable with it. (Mine was nearly 2!).

LadyMinerva · 07/10/2020 03:39

@elmouno

I'm going to go against the grain here.
  1. They buy you things.
  2. They want to give you free childcare.
  3. They don't try to keep their son as a manchild and tell him that he's not the father of your baby or something.

On the scale of nasty in laws out there, you don't even make the chart.

Stop complaining. It's this kind of complaint that makes people assume that the young eat avocado toast everyday. People need to get a grip.

No, they are not buying OP things. They are buying themselves things. They are making massive assumptions. They haven't offered diddly squat to OP.
Sertchgi123 · 07/10/2020 03:55

This is very sad indeed. Only last week there was a long thread on here proclaiming that “Grandparents Need to Step up”.

Grandparents can’t do right for doing wrong these days.

elmouno · 07/10/2020 03:56

@LadyMinerva

They bought a cot, yes? Whether that is for childcare at their home or it is for her own, makes no difference. It's for OP's child and therefore OP. It means she can take the cot, and save the money for more important long term things or she's getting an all inclusive for her child free at the grandparents. Lots of people would have to beg for that and provide everything that goes with it, and also pay the grandparents still. Especially with Covid going on, people need to really really appreciate anyone who takes an interest in childcare. Stay on friendly terms and don't make yourself a nuisance, otherwise that help may dry up when you are desperate for it in the future. Which is looking ever so likely.

violetrosemummy · 07/10/2020 04:06

I think they are just excited to be grandparents and actually might get to see them. Only ever do what you feel comfortable with, your baby and they will eventually back off. Don't cause yourself anxiety worrying though, just live your life how you want to.

LadyMinerva · 07/10/2020 04:14

@elmouno.. Incorrect l they bought a cot for their own home on the assumption they would have the child. It is not for OP to take as she pleases. They also bought themselves a new car to fit a pram on the same assumption. OP has made no indication that there is going to be any babysitting.

B1rthis · 07/10/2020 05:20

Suggestion: if they want to meet your baby, it's outside 2 metres apart and for a maximum of 20 minutes a month.
Always have your baby in a carry/sling on you so they don't try to remove him/her.
Outside and 2 metres apart to reduce risk of covid, 20 minutes because new mum's and babies need to be resting not entertaining.
Once your baby is crawling you and your DP can review the boundaries.

ThursdayAfterNext · 07/10/2020 05:22

Probably an unpopular opinion, but I think hormones may be partly at play. I have a cot, highchair, pram, toys, changing mat, baby bath, all sorts at my parents' house, and I would say it is quite normal to have some things in a grandparent's home. You don't have to let them have the baby overnight (no need if they live close by and can babysit at your house), but if you pop over for a coffee or lunch or something, it is good to have a safe space to be able to put the baby down to sleep. When I visit my sister, I have to put my baby down to sleep on a blanket on the floor. Would you rather do that at your inlaws'?

Florencex · 07/10/2020 05:30

It wasn’t a nice thing to say, but he didn’t say it to you, your husband could have had the discretion to keep it to himself. I think you walking out of the house in tears because they said they bought a cot is over the top and childish. They can buy what they like, it doesn’t mean you have to do anything.

ThursdayAfterNext · 07/10/2020 05:35

@Sertchgi123 "Grandparents can’t do right for doing wrong these days."

I agree. And for some reason seem to be extra in-the-wrong if they are the paternal grandparents Hmm

@B1rthis

ThursdayAfterNext · 07/10/2020 05:37

@B1rthis Really?!

AlternativePerspective · 07/10/2020 05:48

I can just imagine that there are posters out there who would be miffed if they couldn’t ever ask the parents to babysit because they didn’t have a car which could accommodate a pushchair or that they had to lug a load of stuff round there whenever they wanted them to babysit.

These people can’t win. And while it’s possible that you might not want them to look after your child it’s also possible that you might, added to which they’ve probably been there thinking that they absolutely wouldn’t want x or Y, before they had children, but once they were born all that changed... They’re possibly giving you the benefit of their experience on that one. It’s a bit like when a parent says “oh, my baby will sleep through, because I’ll make sure of it,” and someone else says “yeah, dream on, it won’t happen....”. They come from a place of experience.

As for walking out crying over a cot, that seems incredibly manipulative to me. Can’t be doing with people who cry over every little thing because they don’t agree with it.

And while the comment was nasty, why would your DP repeat that back to you? Does he agree with them? Because if not I can’t see a reason why he would deliberately want to hurt you with that comment, which you never need know about.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/10/2020 06:07

I think the point is there is a happy medium. A balance. I has the opposite. Nothing bought at all. My mother despite being very comfortable bought sweet fa, not one toy, changing mat or nappy and expected dd to sleep in my old cot. Dh and I stayed with her whilst pregnant and it was assembled in the room. She said it just needed a new mattress but she couldn’t quite get one to fit so she would just get one and put some blankets down the side. No fucking chance. Had she asked I could have put her in the direction of a decent travel cot.

I found this all very insulting and as a result we didn’t stay with her much. She also expected us to take the dog to kennels so a trip to stay with her for the weekend meant a major and exhausting excursion. I was ill before pregnancy from fertility treatment and never recovered. No slack for me. Ever.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/10/2020 06:07

I had the opposite...

Dalooah · 07/10/2020 06:26

I had the exact opposite too. My in-laws are so incredibly 'hands-off' that they're happy to go 6/8 weeks without even enquiring about their grandkids (my DDs) even though we are only 7mjns away. Although I'd be far more uncomfortable if they were behaving like OPs ILS.

I think PPs saying that grandparents can't ever win- it's not a one size fits all; that's like saying just because some women are abused by their husbands- wives can't win. Hmm

OP has shared her experience; and more than likely her previous experience with her ILs has played a part in her reaction to this particular encounter too. I totally get that if ILs have a history of being overbearing it would be a real fear with the things they've done- it's a bit strange to buy a bigger car and a cot for a grandchild they may not even be babysitting.

I'm glad your husband told you what his dad said; you know exactly what ILS are thinking and will be able to make a more informed decision about what role they play in your child's life. I'd be really annoyed with DP if he kept that sort of thing from me.

I think you should use this opportunity to discuss the future- what you predict to be the problems and come up with solutions while you're still rational and not sleep deprived and DP can spend the rest of the pregnancy breaking it to his parents what your expectations will be once the baby arrives- my ILS require a 'little and often' approach to get them used to what we want and need so maybe this will work for you too?

Also, be sure to consider breastfeeding- it's a great excuse to never have to leave your child anywhere- as a baby needs to be fed whenever they like.

Good luck OP!

PopsicleHustler · 07/10/2020 06:33

What!!!!!!

Once I heard the comment in regards to my late mother, I would have marched round there and had it out with them ....how rude!!!!!

Keep them at arms length
Let them waste money on the baby. They cant have the baby staying over newborn, so ridiculous