Page 4 | Interfering in laws

FippertyGibbett · 07/10/2020 06:42

I never left my babies with my PIL, they only ever visited.
I suppose they would need that stuff if they were looking after baby while you work, other than that they don’t need it. I personally find it weird, you need to take a big step back from them.

YessicaHaircut · 07/10/2020 06:50

I feel your pain OP! My sister did similar when I was pregnant, actually went to one of those baby nearly new sales locally and bought a load of newborn clothes to keep at her house. Not quite sure what the point of that was, we live a 10 minute walk from hers so will never need to stay overnight etc! Such a waste of money and actually we could have used the clothes in the early days if she hadn’t insisted on having them at hers. She did try repeatedly to pressure us into having DS overnight but we’ve just been firm and said no thanks, he’s too little to be away from us. Sis has 2 kids of her own so really not sure why she was so desperate to be up in the night with a newborn.

Onadifferentuniverse · 07/10/2020 06:55

You need to be really clear with them that if they continue the way they are they won’t be seeing the baby at all never mind having the baby round in the cot.

It’s the only way to be with people like this sadly.

serialreturner · 07/10/2020 06:57

@Sunnydaysstillhere

Remember they have had their own babies. You are not obliged in any way to share yours...

As above.

Get tough on boundaries from now.

And congratulations. x

MrsWarleggan · 07/10/2020 07:03

@bluegreygreen

Agreed. Considering you had just walked out crying, why on earth would your DH repeat that to you??!!!! He sounds like he has as much consideration for your feelings as your FIL!!

Jaffacakeobsessed · 07/10/2020 07:06

‘I'm glad your husband told you what his dad said; you know exactly what ILS are thinking and will be able to make a more informed decision about what role they play in your child's life. I'd be really annoyed with DP if he kept that sort of thing from me. ’
☝️
This! I don’t understand people blaming the husband for telling OP about FIL’s hideous comment. Why would he keep this from her? It’s very revealing about his parents, and it sounds like he’s aware of what they’re like and very supportive of OP. Coupled with the general back story if can understand why OP is concerned.

That said... do agree that just because they’re buying things/getting a bit giddy, doesn’t mean you have to react. Just ignore and be firm and clear when baby is here about what the boundaries will be - MIL tears or not! ‘No’ is a complete sentence... or ‘Sorry that doesn’t work for us/won’t happen yet/baby is too little yet and we’ll let you know’ all work if you want to be less abrupt 😊

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP x

Redlocks28 · 07/10/2020 07:11

FIL then said “she’s just overprotective because her own mums dead and is jealous of us having a relationship with the new baby”

That is horrible.

The real issue is, what did your DH say/do about it? What did he say to them?

If he said nothing much, but came out and told you that comment when he knew you’d been crying, then he’s as bad as them.

Original poster

EmmieC · 07/10/2020 08:11

Okay, I feel like I need to clear some things up that I didn’t make obvious in my OP.

My husband told me about the comment because he didn’t want to keep anything from me and I’m glad he told me. FIL, is the kind to have said it to my face again anyway.

The buying things for the house isn’t the main issue, it’s the fact they assumed. Maybe it’s just me and how my family do it. I think they should have asked first.

None of the stuff they’re buying is for our home. Not a problem, we’ve already got everything.

As I have already said, I want my son to have a very good relationship with his grandparents. I was very close to my grandma.

I’m not saying I don’t want him to stay with them ever. Not until he’s older and I don’t like them assuming. I didn’t stay overnight until I was about 4/5, so GP having stay overs are a young age isn’t what I’m used to.

In the 4 years we’ve been together, we have been invited to their house for tea or dinner twice. I always invite them for Christmas and Sunday lunch and that won’t change. So, them needing stuff for my son to sleep in during a visit is very unlikely.

OP posts:

SnuggyBuggy · 07/10/2020 08:22

OP most normal grandparents would have asked what to buy to help and had a sensible discussion. In some cases it is a guilt/power thing.

Sertchgi123 · 07/10/2020 08:29

[quote ThursdayAfterNext]**@Sertchgi123* "Grandparents can’t do right for doing wrong these days."*

I agree. And for some reason seem to be extra in-the-wrong if they are the paternal grandparents

@B1rthis[/quote]
That is so true about paternal grandparents. It’s very sad.

Mumoftwo1994 · 07/10/2020 08:33

@EmmieC

Hi all,

I’m 28 weeks pregnant (first baby) and just wanted to see if I’m in the wrong to be upset about my in laws. Apologies as it’s quite long.

So, 2 days after telling PIL I was pregnant, they decided to buy a new car to “fit a pram in” I personally found this very strange but I don’t like to upset people or arguments so didn’t say anything to them. I brought it up to my partner about how worried I was about them interfering. (They have been stopped from seeing their other grandchildren twice due to interfering). He said that they had the others at a young age so probably assumed, so I left it.

Last night I went round and they said “we’ve ordered a cot”. They haven’t once asked us if they’d like us to get things for their house. I was very upset and told them not to assume I’d want them to have my baby at a young age. To which they replied “oh yes you will” and I walked out their house crying. My partner stayed and told them they had gone too far and they were becoming too overbearing. FIL then said “she’s just overprotective because her own mums dead and is jealous of us having a relationship with the new baby”.

AIBU to think that’s an extremely rude and hurtful thing to say and that they should have asked us about the cot first or am I being hormonal?

Well done if you manages to read it all 😂

Tell the father in law to get lost. Whether your parents are still here or not is irrelevant, it's not their child so they need to bloody take a step back. If they've had contact blocked before I would have thought they'd have learnt by now.

Redcups64 · 07/10/2020 08:49

You are being hormonal. That’s fine though, I haven’t met anyone yet who was pregnant and not irrational at time’s, it’s just part off it.

It’s perfectly normal for them to buy a cot if they live so close, it doesn’t mean they are stealing the baby or expect the baby to stay overnight, but it’s there if your over having dinner and the baby falls asleep or in case of any emergencies.

The comment from your fil was rude and uncalled for.

Don’t bother trying to control your in laws, they don’t need controlling, for instance they have bought a cot, you feel you need to be defensive about this when you don’t because in the future the cot may or may not come in handy, so no point arguing or getting up set when you don’t even know yet if it’s a problem.

As long as you are happy that’s what matters, but dictating to other people is not your concern.

I wish my in-laws would want to spend time with their grandkids like yours do. Nothing warms the heart more than when other people love your baby as much as you do.

HandfulofDust · 07/10/2020 08:50

The cot thing is overbearing but not the end of the world (I would have decisively told them baby wouldn't be staying over night for at least 6 months maybe more). The comments about your mum were outrageous though and the fact they have form for over reaching behaviour to the extent of bring cut off from grandkids isn't a good sign.

You and your partner need to get on the sane page in terms of boundaries and stick to them religiously.

DaisyandRoses · 07/10/2020 08:55

Personally my DD is over 2 years old now and she’s never stayed at grandparents or away from me. No way would I have done that with breastfeeding. Babies don’t care about building relationship with grandparents, they just want mum/ dad.

Now DD is a toddler she loves visiting her grandparents and is more independent. But as a baby, no! In laws tried to interfere and all I meant is that I kept them at arms length and they missed out.

Set your boundaries and be very clear. Be prepared to be assertive!

LeroyJenkinssss · 07/10/2020 09:00

I’m with a previous poster - why on earth would you want to do night time wakings? I’ll be delighted to look after my (as yet imaginary) grandchildren but wouldn’t actively choose over night stays!

OP be clear on boundaries and allow your partner to be very clear with them. It’s the “oh yes you will” which would rile me tbh and to follow up with a comment about your mom is horrible.

FoxtrotOscarPoppet · 07/10/2020 09:07

YANBU. Agree with others - set your boundaries now and stick to them.

The comment about your Mum was terrible - I’d have ripped his head off if that was me.

A word of warning...... DON’T tell them when you’re in labour / hospital / baby has been born until you’re back home, settled and ready for visitors.

SlowDown76mph · 07/10/2020 09:25

Watch those boundaries. This is going to be an ongoing push and pull situation. Considering the background, MiL/Fil dynamic, other family relationships with them, I'd seriously consider moving. A reasonable geographical distance will be helpful.

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 07/10/2020 09:46

MIL is very sensitive and cries every time she is told to back off a bit. She had bad depression years ago so people tip toe around her unfortunately

Bollocks is she sensitive! A sensitive person would learn from one criticism and never put themselves in that position again! She turns in the waterworks when she might get thwarted getting her own way.

OP you sound lovely. And I know Ideally you want Your baby to have a good relationship with them but it might be hard. Your FIL sounds horrible and your MIL is a manipulative drama queen. So I would keep it light touch if I were you.

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 07/10/2020 09:51

Oh, and to learn from others with similar ILs:

Do not tell them your exact due date (have you already?)
Do not tell them when you go into labour.
Do not tell them when you are leaving hospital, say ‘tomorrow’ on the day you leave so that you get at least one day with DH before they rock up.

MeridianB · 07/10/2020 10:01

I would stop going round there following the vile comment about your late mother, whether it was said to you or not. It’s a real measure of the person who said. Totally lacking in sensitivity and empathy. Why expose yourself to that?

Ignore everything else. Just ignore. They can fill their house with cots and high chairs and it doesn’t make the slightest bit of difference to you and your baby. You have DP on side and you know that you decide when and where your child visits and stays.

I’d be ready to resist all requests and demands for alone time with the baby, overnight or not, right from the start, if you don’t want it. They may say they want to give you a break, but you decide and don’t be embarrassed about saying no 1000 times if it’s what you want. Good luck!

MeridianB · 07/10/2020 10:02

@RainingBatsAndFrogs

Oh, and to learn from others with similar ILs:

Do not tell them your exact due date (have you already?)
Do not tell them when you go into labour.
Do not tell them when you are leaving hospital, say ‘tomorrow’ on the day you leave so that you get at least one day with DH before they rock up.

Totally agree with this. So many threads have followed the same pattern.

Put yourself and baby first and enjoy this special time.

Heyahun · 07/10/2020 10:04

Seriously though there’s no need to let this upset you - let them buy what they want - don’t argue about it or engage in conversation about it - you don’t have to make it clear about whether baby will be staying there etc now !
When baby is here you just keep refusing to let them have it surely?

No point arguing with them now - let them waste their money on all the stuff if they want

Arrowcat · 07/10/2020 10:06

Sounds like you're in a similar position to me when I had my first. There's some fantastic advice here. To add to it I would say don't talk to them at all about what they can and can't do with baby, just go along with it and when baby gets here just take baby back with an airy 'oh I'm a bit tired so I think we'll go and have a snuggle in our own big bed' etc etc. You don't know what you will / won't be comfortable with until they are here so don't talk about it until then.

Regarding your mum - I have never forgiven my MIL for comments made about my deceased parents and only remaining relative living 300 miles away. It's hard when they being a bitch but you're the mum and ultimately you have the trump card. (this always comforts me when MIL is being a bitch, I can stop you seeing them!)

I was very happy with them looking after baby 1. Now pregnant with baby 2 and I feel totally different. But that's my right because I am their mum and they arnt.

Ignore ignore ignore.

Sending loves and it's shit not to have your mum cuddles. Xx

CakeRequired · 07/10/2020 10:08

From what you've said about their relationship with their other grandchildren, literally nothing you say will stop them from being like this. They will be overbearing until banned from seeing them. As you live round the corner from them, I doubt even a ban will stop them.

Honestly I'd probably have moved by now, far away, but that's probably not an option for you. I'd advise keeping your doors locked at all times though. I'd imagine they are the type once the baby is here to just call in every day to see the baby.

Good luck they sound crazy. It's bad when grandparents get banned from seeing their grandchildren.

namechangefail2020 · 07/10/2020 10:09

When my In Laws ordered a cot and pram I was pissed off but when i thought about it I couldn't work out why. Even if we all went there as a family we would need the cot so it made sense really. So I think it's more to do with how you feel about them in general as I think that's what mine was. Out of order what they said about your mum tho!