Interfering in laws

[EmmieC]

Hi all,

I’m 28 weeks pregnant (first baby) and just wanted to see if I’m in the wrong to be upset about my in laws. Apologies as it’s quite long.

So, 2 days after telling PIL I was pregnant, they decided to buy a new car to “fit a pram in” I personally found this very strange but I don’t like to upset people or arguments so didn’t say anything to them. I brought it up to my partner about how worried I was about them interfering. (They have been stopped from seeing their other grandchildren twice due to interfering). He said that they had the others at a young age so probably assumed, so I left it.

Last night I went round and they said “we’ve ordered a cot”. They haven’t once asked us if they’d like us to get things for their house. I was very upset and told them not to assume I’d want them to have my baby at a young age. To which they replied “oh yes you will” and I walked out their house crying. My partner stayed and told them they had gone too far and they were becoming too overbearing. FIL then said “she’s just overprotective because her own mums dead and is jealous of us having a relationship with the new baby”.

AIBU to think that’s an extremely rude and hurtful thing to say and that they should have asked us about the cot first or am I being hormonal?

Well done if you manages to read it all 😂

@Teacaketotty I wouldn’t mind if she had asked and I could have told her she would be wasting her money. We’re very fortunate that we were both key workers and could afford all the things for baby, so that’s not an issue either. Perhaps that it is the norm for grandparents to that but my parents never did with any of my 8 nieces

I'm the ils, and this is out of order. Saying that you don't have to do anything wrong to be bypassed by somebody else when it's your ds baby.

When they do it again don't cry and walk off, stand up to them and say "you are going to have to stop wasting your money like this, heck we haven't decided on which colours yet. Hope they give you a refund. A couple of these and they'll soon stop.

It does seem to be pretty common - it almost feels like a competition of who gets the baby the most!

I said the other day nobody wants to help with a load of washing or cooking a meal - they just want to have your baby!

My dc never ever had a meal at ils never mind stayed over!!

I really do need to learn to stick to for myself but I don’t want to upset them! MIL is very sensitive and cries every time she is told to back off a bit. She had bad depression years ago so people tip toe around her unfortunately.

I just can’t understand grandparents behaving in this way. I am a GP and I wouldn’t dream of making the assumptions that some GPs appear to do on here. It’s so destructive to relationships and so lacking in respect. I’m always genuinely shocked when GPs demand to see newborns as soon as they arrive and get upset if other GPs see them first. It’s as if some GPs feel they have a right to be part of decisions about their grandchildren. It’s a privilege to be involved in any interaction, not a right. I know some situations are complicated, but I’m speaking generally about some of the controlling behaviours from GPs that you read about here.

@MereDintofPandiculation

AIBU to think that’s an extremely rude and hurtful thing to say He didn't say it to you, he said it to his son.

Still rude and hateful. Talking shit is talking shit

@EmmieC

I really do need to learn to stick to for myself but I don’t want to upset them! MIL is very sensitive and cries every time she is told to back off a bit. She had bad depression years ago so people tip toe around her unfortunately.

She is manipulative.

The tears aren’t because she is sensitive. They’re because she is manipulative. She’s meant that by crying she gets her own way.

Don’t tip toe around her, she’s not giving you these curtesy

@EnjoyingTheSilence I have to agree on that I had very very bad depression about 5 years ago and my family never treated me any different and I’m glad. DP’s family just say “some people need different support” she 100% plays on it though which is very annoying.

You need to be prepared for their next steps which will be to see scans be told the sex, be at the hospital for the birth so they can grab the baby, etc. Be ready with firm answers.

Just wanting to add - no one had my first born to stay over night until he was three years old and HE said he wanted to go. My second is now two years old and very close to members of my family but i still don’t think he’s anything like ready to stay over. Maybe when he’s three and wants to. Fine for other families to do it however works for them but you are not weird if you don’t feel comfortable letting the baby stay away from you

Their comments are vile!

Nail your boundaries now, let your partner be in no doubt how wrong this is!

Thank you for all your replies. It has definitely made me relax and stop feeling like I’m too “overprotective”. I will definitely have to make sure boundaries are met if they carry on when he is born. Although they can be a pain in the arse, they are lovely the majority of the time x

The comment was very rude, and a nasty thing to say.

I wasn’t worried about my parents buying stuff for their house, made it easier to visit. Baby may not sleep the night there alone, but if you’re over having a cuppa and baby falls asleep you could put them in the cot while you are there.

What a cunt FIL is to say that OP! I’d consider moving by your Dad if this carry’s on as they’ve obviously learned nothing from their past experience of grandchildren.

I think some grandparents want to show that they can cope with a newborn and show the mother that she can't. My SIL's mother certainly did that. When my SIL asked for help, her mother wanted to come in an take the baby. Err hello? SIL has my sister as her wife, they were just on their knees with tiredness and needed someone who swore she would be there to help, someone who was round every fucking weekend normally, being fed by my sister and her wife.

Your partner needs to establish boundaries now, especially managing expectations.

Wow that is an evil thing to say!! If I were in your shoes I think I would tell them that comment has cost them a relationship with my baby and now they are as dead as my mum to me and the baby

@Ilovechinese

That seems quite extreme

I swear assertiveness training should be part of prenatal classes! Not even joking!

Op as a parent you really are going to have to learn how to assert yourself (and your dp does too) because this is VERY much part of parenting, not just with grandparents but with drs, midwives, hv, teachers...

As women we are trained not to "upset" people and this too often means subjugating OUR needs.

I say HELL NO!

My in laws were lovely - it's MY parents that are the nightmares!

With people who trample all over your boundaries and WON'T take a hint you have to be civil but blunt!

Learn NOT to use the word sorry in almost every sentence (seriously I notice this a lot in women), be clear, concise and direct.

That's not rude, it's assertive boundary setting.

And prep dp to have your back!

I think you would HUGELY benefit from learning about toxic families and FOG etc

Not read myself (probably should!) toxic in laws by I think Susan forward?

Also check out this website

https://outofthefog.website

Because it very much sounds like your mil may have narcissistic tendencies - using a history of illness to control others and as a threat to avoid being "upset" is a classic tactic! Both my parents use that one!

All that said re buying things for baby that stay at her house - as pps said it's their money to waste BUT you can also find it very useful especially when baby's very small not having to either keep carrying the baby or lug stuff to theirs each time.

My parents also had a travel cot, microwave steriliser and spare bottles and dummies, changing mat and spare nappies/wipes/bum cream, spare baby/toddler plates, spoons etc at theirs plus a small box of toys and books for the doc which just lived under the stairs when the dgc weren't there and it did make it much easier to visit them.

What was odd was they did all this just when I had dd and at that point bro was saying he'd remain child free and sis thought she couldn't conceive (although was starting down route of getting help for that) so only 1 dgc so it was slightly bonkers...

Then bro got his 1st wife pregnant unplanned (they weren't even engaged at this point) with his 1st, he's since had another with 2nd wife too, sis got pregnant via ivf, and then got pregnant again naturally twice (it was like the ivf triggered her own stuff to work finally, although not sure of impact of it being a different dad for younger 2) so mum went from 1 dgc she thought she was lucky to get (I've had issues too) to 6!!

Find your inner and channel them in your interactions.

Good luck

YANBU. I wish I'd taken more notice of the red flags with the outlaws and put them straight before they became unbearable.

Your FIL was really out of line.

Personally, I think your very hormonal but they are still out of order. My in laws have never had anything to do with my daughter and it sucks. Yes they are very overbearing and that needs to stop but oh my word it looks as though they love your little baby so much already. It's amazing to have grandparents like that I wish my daughter did. Good luck and congratulations xx

That comment is very unpleasant and should never have been said.

However, I can't for the life of me see why your partner would want to repeat it to you.

@OverTheRainbow88 its quite extreme to make nasty comments about someones dead mother though wouldn't you say? Also extreme to ge buying things for a baby that isn't yours without asking the mum to he how she feels first and as someone else said she sounds narcissistic si beat to cut them off now

@EmmieC

I really do need to learn to stick to for myself but I don’t want to upset them! MIL is very sensitive and cries every time she is told to back off a bit. She had bad depression years ago so people tip toe around her unfortunately.

Let the stupid woman cry.

I'd be seriously going NC after that comment as its unforgivable. The pair of them are pathetic and haven't learned lessons from their past behaviour. Fuck them right off.