Interfering in laws

[EmmieC]

Hi all,

I’m 28 weeks pregnant (first baby) and just wanted to see if I’m in the wrong to be upset about my in laws. Apologies as it’s quite long.

So, 2 days after telling PIL I was pregnant, they decided to buy a new car to “fit a pram in” I personally found this very strange but I don’t like to upset people or arguments so didn’t say anything to them. I brought it up to my partner about how worried I was about them interfering. (They have been stopped from seeing their other grandchildren twice due to interfering). He said that they had the others at a young age so probably assumed, so I left it.

Last night I went round and they said “we’ve ordered a cot”. They haven’t once asked us if they’d like us to get things for their house. I was very upset and told them not to assume I’d want them to have my baby at a young age. To which they replied “oh yes you will” and I walked out their house crying. My partner stayed and told them they had gone too far and they were becoming too overbearing. FIL then said “she’s just overprotective because her own mums dead and is jealous of us having a relationship with the new baby”.

AIBU to think that’s an extremely rude and hurtful thing to say and that they should have asked us about the cot first or am I being hormonal?

Well done if you manages to read it all 😂

My MIL did similar when she found out I was having a girl. Whole spare room decorated as a pink Princess nursery with a full stock of clothes/nappies/toys for when DD stayed over. She also was extremely focused on whether my mum was involved (difficult relationship with limited contact) and would endlessly talk about how she was going to be the favourite Nanny.

When she visited us in hospital she was upset because I wouldn't let her wake the baby for a cuddle. And that my family had been for the first visit (they lived two hours away so we thought they might prefer the afternoon visiting slot). She wanted to come round every day for 'Nanny and baby' time. Bizarrely she really hated that DD is the spitting image of me and would make comments about DH not being the father. She questioned everything I did, made comments about me not knowing how to be a good mum because my own mum was a bit shit and I would argue heavily impacted on my PND.

I still don't understand what she was trying to achieve, reliving her baby years or whatever but she ruined the first month of motherhood for me DH tried to talk to her as did many of his family members but she would not listen and cried about how she was only trying to help. It was utterly unbearable and has damaged a fairly good relationship.

So basically what I'm trying to say is - agree boundaries, stick with the boundaries and don't let her 'sensitivity' ruin your experience of motherhood. Because this is your time not hers and it is a horrible thing to regret.

I’d only ever stop them from seeing my child if I was worried they would harm him in any way. Which I very much doubt.

I can keep telling them the boundaries until I’m blue in the face, I also doubt it will make a difference as they’ve never taken it in from my brother in law.

Last time they had contact stopped with other grandchildren. The mother blocked her and the family off the eldest child’s phone. MIL then bought a new phone and number to contact the granddaughter. They absolutely do not listen. I haven’t actually argued with them, I don’t see the point. I don’t want things to be awkward between us all. Majority of the time I get on fine with them, and they’ve always been nice to me. The interfering and “my way or no way” approach she has is a little concerning now that I’m having a child though.

OP, remember you and your DH are the gatekeepers to your ds. You absolutely don't have to do anything you don't want to do and they cannot make you.

So what if they assume, as others said, it is their money they are wasting. Once baby arrives and they are asking when he will be staying overnight just say we will let you know when he is ready. And repeat as necessary.

Do they come to you every Sunday? Do you enjoy having them round as often? I'd be pulling back on that a bit, especially as your FIL is a dick. You don't have to spend time with people you don't want to. One of the perks of being a grown up.

No, they don’t come every Sunday. Once a month maybe. Not for a while since covid obviously. However, they did expect me to cook their Christmas dinner this year at almost 40 weeks pregnant. They were shot down very fast at that point

Oh wow. They sound massively overbearing.

Remember that you decide everything with your baby. My MIL took over, always telling me what to do, how I should parent, turned up every day with friends. I didn't have any balls and let her walk all over me. It can really affect your bond with the baby.

Do everything on your terms, she lock your doors!! They sound nuts.

The tears aren’t because she is sensitive. They’re because she is manipulative. She’s meant that by crying she gets her own way.

It does sound like this is likely to be the case. My DM has a tendency to turn on the 'waterworks' as well when she doesn't get her own way. I've learned that the only thing to do is to be assertive.

Parents/PILs can only interfere if you let them. It took me a long time to get this, though.

My parents had spare travel cot etc for having gc , but myself and brother chose to leave our children with them
So my mum bought spares to save us having to bring ( we lived a distance away although db didn't )
Maybe make it clear that if they buy things and it isn't used then you can't help that
Your dh told you what his df said so shouldn't be surprised you are upset and as he has told you i would broach this with fil, maybe he will realise he upset you and apologise and be more careful what he says
My mil once said something quite hurtful about dh and i have to this day never told him as he has a difficult relationship with her anyway and he would find it quite upsetting so have choose to not tell him , rightly or wrongly , but it made me look at her differently and understand dh issues a little more
But your baby , your rules wether people agree or not
They aren't babies for long so you want to enjoy that time

They'll be round every Sunday once the baby is here. Actually scratch that, every day.

That's really terrible of your mil that she actually bought a new phone to contact her grandchild. She was told to stop it and went out of her way to continue.

It’s very sad how many people have had issues with their in laws or own parents in the early days of a new baby. My sister actually got very bad PND because her MIL kept putting her down and doubting her parenting, so I definitely don’t want to be too laid back and not say anything if they upset me. They know our due date but I don’t think I’ll tell them he has been born until we’re at home and ready for visitors. :)

Behind my back my dm tried contacting my pre teen dd. I left her a vm threatening legal action.. Your mil is a dangerous woman going being the dps back like that op...

Her family make excuses for her unfortunately. Like the contacting my Niece after her mother blocked her was because “her heart is in the right place and she just wants a happy family”. It was only DH that told her that what she had done was not only interfering but actually quite worrying behaviour. It’s no wonder she doesn’t listen

YANBU. Lots of grandparents do get actively involved, but it's down to the parents to make that call, NOT them.

To buy a new car, and buy furniture for their house without even asking you - and when the baby is still a few months away - seems mad to me.

I mean, yes, you might take them up on the offer to look after the baby at some point, but then again you might not - the point is it's up to you. They sound like the kind of people who'd complain if they can't see the baby every sodding day.

Undermining dps is harmful to dc imo. Think long and hard about how you manage mil op....

They can fill their house to the brim with baby stuff. Still doesn't mean that you are obliged to provide the baby to use it.

DM has a cot, high chair etc at her house, but it was originally left there by DS who would visit with her kids and it was handy for feeding/naps. Then it got used for all of the rest of the GC in turn as they arrived.

But if I were you, I'd visit your BIL and SIL and get a crash course in what MIL and PIL are likely to pull on you. That way when you are at your most vulnerable /exhausted you won't be blindsided by their behaviour.
I've a SIL who would always try to piss on my parade every time with a back handed comment. When I was about to announce my pregnancy I thought of all the ways she was likely to shit stir. Then when she finally did, instead of sitting there thinking "Wtf?" I was smiling inside and going "ah, there it is..." and was able to shrug it off entirely. So being able to pre-empt the behaviour will help you a lot.

The comment about your mum was so wrong - and so back to front. If they'd said that they were extra keen to be great grandparents / grandmother, as they knew they were the only ones, that might have seemed encouraging.

It's the 'just jealous' line that's bonkers, because it says you'll be receiving their help, whether you want it or not. It's going to be imposed upon you. It's not being offered to support you as parents. It's to stake their claim as grandparents. Your only choice is how you feel about it.

My MIL bought a cot, it got used maybe 3 times and that's when we stayed over too so was a big waste of money.
Let them buy what they want, their money to lose, they can't force you to let baby sleep over.
Congrats on the baby :-)

I agree with others who said your husband was right for telling you, it shows he sees them for what they are like and is supportive to you. As the saying goes dont shoot the messenger. Also agree with someone who said consider breastfeeding (if you're not already) it will make it easier for you to say no and have a reading for them not being able to have baby alone (not that you need a reason) but in case your not assertive.
It was a vile thing to say about your Mum and shows a serious lack of empathy which also indicates narcissism! They could have worded it like with it being your first child and your own Mum sadly not being here to help and offer support they want to be able to help you as much as they can. Instead it sounds almost (sorry to say this) as if they are glad she is dead and think that you will need them to have the baby or even if you dont want/need them to that you wont have a choice, but you do have a choice, this is your baby not theirs and after that vile comment about your mum I would be determined that they never have the baby even if you ever need someone to I would ask a friend or other family member and if no one else available I would just not go out or whatever. I would honestly make them regret they ever said such a thing!
Also with the buying things like others said you cant stop them but I would probably just say look I dont want you wasting your money as I wont be wanting you or anyone else to have baby whilst they are young then at least you have said it so they cznt they and manipulate you or guilt trio you when baby is born like "oh we spent all this money in cots etc and now we can't ever have baby" you can just say "well I did tell you not to and said it wouldn't be needed" also learn about the 4th trimester and if they mention having baby soon after he is born and them links about it. Basically a baby when first born doesn't know anything except their mum. They know your voice and your smell and only want to be with you. Its not natural for them to be separated from their Mum.

My MIL also bought lots of stuff for her house.
It was a waste of money because I wouldn't let me baby go at a young age. I'm always expected to take DD there to see them. If she has to come to my house then there is an atmosphere.
Let them spend there money. You have told them it wont be happening and stand by it.

Accept help if you need it, but don't feel pressured. That comment about your mother is terrible. Set the boundaries now and show them you're not accepting that behaviour.
Sorry you're having to go through all that along with the hormones

It sounds like a complete over reaction to me. It's normal for grandparents to have a few useful things at theirs. I am quite possessive but it never occurred to me to care that grandma bought a cot and highchair. It's useful for daytime visits - they've never had sole charge.
I wonder why your husband passed the comment on - it was an unkind thing to do. Is he stirring things up on purpose?
I think you need to think ahead about how you are going to manage the relationship. You can't walk out crying every time they buy something. You obviously dislike them. Maybe you need to move away!

It probably wouldn’t have bothered me as much if it wasn’t for the fact they had done some very shady stuff with bil and sil. Yes, I’d find it weird that they bought stuff without asking me but would have just ignored it. I think it scared me a bit that they would be as possessive with my child like they are the others. It was also the “oh yes you will” very firmly saying that whether I liked it or not, they would be having my child regardless. I do actually like them, I’ve already said they’re more than welcome to my sons first Christmas next year. I always invite them places, they just don’t seem to be bothered about us.

My mil moved house to be near her daughter, had the kids 12 hours a day, always had them for sleepovers 2 or 3 times a week and brought a new car to ferry them around. I always thought that was so odd.

Was never sure who was instigating it all but perhaps daughter never put her foot down

Nessie and graphista, great posts.

Op, I'm sorry to say so many red flags are waving furiously in the breeze.

As pp said, using tears and her previous illness is manipulation and cruel.

Your also looking at this in the wrong way with phrases like, I do want them to have a relationship with baby...

That's up to them isn't it. That's in their hands not to duck it up.

Not up to you and how much crap you have to take to facilitate one. They don't sound kind or respectful.