To leave my cult-obsessed DP?

[Abbeywell79]

My first time in AIBU but I'm getting bugger-all response elsewhere so I've got my big-girl pants on!

Been with DP for 7 years, 2 toddlers, both knackered but we generally have a solid relationship. Same outlook on life (or used to), views on parenting etc.

When Covid struck, dp kept warning me about how we were going to be given a vaccine with a microchip and we were all going to be controlled etc etc.

We had a huge row about it, I said I didn't want to hear such nonsense and long story short, we agreed we wouldn't discuss it any more otherwise it was going to damage our relationship.

Since then, things have been fine on the surface. Day-to day life has resumed. However, because he hasn't had me to talk to about his worries, he's found a load of new buddies online and he is now a fully-fledged member of Qanon who spout all sorts including Satanism in Hollywood, child trafficking for organ harvesting to keep famous people looking good, lizard people in the royal family, 9/11 faked etc.

I only know this because I set up a fake account so I could follow his groups so I know what he is reading and sometimes what he posts within these groups. Otherwise I wouldn't have a clue as he appears to be the perfect partner/dad the rest of the time.

I can't see a way back from this. I always said I would give things until after the US election (when Trump will apparently save the world and 'all will be revealed') to see if it will improve but I think he is so far gone I've lost the man I fell in love with.

My options seem to be:

1. Stay with him. That way I get to keep an eye on the lunacy and ensure he's not trying to indoctrinate our children as they get older
2. Split up. We are about to move 200 miles away to be nearer my family and I was planning on staying with him until we did that then at least I have support. But then it would mean essentially kicking him out then will I lose my kids to him every other weekend? I don't want them travelling and then I won't be able to monitor what he's telling them
3. Keep it under review. DC aren't being affected by it yet so wait until they're older or until his mask starts to slip and he can't contain his 'secrets' any longer

All options seem pretty depressing.

Well said jealousyisabitch

I also agree with @Jealousyisabitch

But then often you see these OPs being sucked in to by page 2... and I think, well if you’re seriously considering LTB oh the advise of an anonymous mumsnetter, then your marriage is obviously dead in the water anyway

This place is toxic, full of sad sahm who left their husbands because they snored

This isn't really about snoring though, is it? And it sounds like she has already talked to him, has established that yes he does really really believe this stuff, and it is already having affects on their lives, like refusing childhood vaccinations for the DC.

I don't know if she should leave or not but this goes beyond a trivial disagreement in marriage. I hope he comes out of it, OP.

It's ok to leave a relationship for any reason. Toxic to suggest otherwise.

What is going on in Palestine with regard to Hezbollah rockets and jihadi death squads? It's not just poor peasants being squished by a triumphant Israeli army (granted there's a bit of that).

Today I was being told the WHO is wholly funded and controlled by the Bill Gates Foundation. To what end? I asked DH. Because he has has said he wants to halt population growth worldwide and....by which time I zoned out.

Still biding my time.

To all those posters asking why men's partners like me are not "broad minded" or "receptive" to these wacky ideas is that I personally cannot talk to him about anything that currently affects the world without the conversation leading to more and more odd statements that (to any reasonable person) sound extreme. What's more, he is entirely convinced of this. He can produce documents to back up what he has read. He can come up with video and dark web shit too. But once you scratch the surface you realise the sources of this information come from nefarious sources. On top of all this he doesn't even read it properly just the bits sensationalised by the poster, so you can quickly see the bullshit anyway. When I tell him he's wrong, again, because the post has misrepresented or lied about the content involved, it leads to raised voices, defensive behaviours and arguments.

In the end, you just don't start those type of conversations to avoid the conflict, leading to hours sitting on the sofa in the evening with nothing to say. It's limiting and boring.

The 'sad SAHM' mostly suggested this because his behaviour sounds worrying and like it's escalating.

The snoring thread is completely different, people have pointed out the lack of consideration, not the actual snoring.

As a side note, the lizard theory is my absolute favourite conspiracy theory- the queen looks like a Komodo dragon and now I can't unsee it . I don't actually believe it to clarify!

"I'm not going to sit there and listen to him telling me how lady gaga attends parties where they sacrifice children and drink their blood just so she can have nice skin. I won't indulge it."

Is it any different than the very common weekly ritual where a high priest says the magic words to literally transubstantiate a substance into the blood and flesh of a son. Then millions of families around the world cannibalise themselves to eat and drink him?

Its a pretty 'accepted' ritual for cults to have.

*Is it any different than the very common weekly ritual where a high priest says the magic words to literally transubstantiate a substance into the blood and flesh of a son. Then millions of families around the world cannibalise themselves to eat and drink him?

Its a pretty 'accepted' ritual for cults to have.*

Yes, it is different. For a start it's not making up malicious rubbish about people.

Yes, it is different. For a start it's not making up malicious rubbish about people
So you think it is true then?

zombie this is my point too. Yes the DH might think the royal family are lizards but is that any more whacky than people “beliefs”?

Since time began there have been rituals and beliefs as a way to make sense of the human condition.

I’m laughed at for feeling very connected to Mother Nature - but that makes far more sense to me than many things practiced.

Yes parts of QAnon sound a bit batshit to me but no more than the other stuff I hear from some friends.

And there is some element of truth regarding vaccines - there was research done using Gate’s money for “imprinting” which would save data read by technology. You can fact check that by the way. Most people don’t know it and simply scoff.

@Brockwell sounds like we are going through the same thing. What are your plans?

The relationship does become boring because there is nothing to talk about (without it being turned into an intense lecture ‘can I just show you this link’) so I just don’t bother.

He came home last night after 3 days of being away and once we’d covered the basics of how dc were, how his job had gone etc, he was straight on his phone, zoned out and that was it for the evening.

Maybe that’s the main thing that’s bothering me at the moment. It’s the obsession with it and how it’s taken him away from us. I prefer it when he’s not here as weirdly I feel less alone.

Totally what @Tarantallegra said ^

I've just looked at the snoring thread which has been quoted on here as an example, and anyone who thinks that OP just has a petty gripe about snoring after reading that, has serious issues with reading comprehension.

The point is that in a relationship, there needs to be some consideration from both partners. In the case of OP in this thread, there's a real risk that her DP will not allow their DC to receive essential childhood vaccines, thus endangering their health. That isn't petty, that's serious.

[quote Abbeywell79]@Brockwell sounds like we are going through the same thing. What are your plans?

The relationship does become boring because there is nothing to talk about (without it being turned into an intense lecture ‘can I just show you this link’) so I just don’t bother.

He came home last night after 3 days of being away and once we’d covered the basics of how dc were, how his job had gone etc, he was straight on his phone, zoned out and that was it for the evening.

Maybe that’s the main thing that’s bothering me at the moment. It’s the obsession with it and how it’s taken him away from us. I prefer it when he’s not here as weirdly I feel less alone.[/quote]
This comment, and the earlier one about him not wanting the kids to watch films etc, mean that it IS affecting you and your life and I do think you have every right to have a problem with that.

the many people on this thread saying that he has the right to his opinions etc etc are right broadly speaking. But not when he is imposing those on you in such a way that you're life is less pleasant. I wouldn't stay with a man who decided my daughter needed FGM, nor would I stay with a man who decided that children should be recipients of corporal punishment. On a lesser scale, I would not want to be with someone who didn't allow my children to have independence or to watch the same films and tv as their friends....

Wacky beliefs aren't what makes something a cult. You can believe in transubstantiation, or believe that the angel Moroni visited Joseph Smith in America, or believe that crystals have magical healing powers, or believe you're the reincarnation of Tutankhamun's nanny, whatever, and still be capable of agreeing to disagree and not shutting yourself off from your life and your family as a result.

What's going on with OP's DH and people like him is not "well he believes a few odd things but otherwise everything's fine!" Everything's clearly not fine. If your beliefs result in shutting yourself off from your family, spending all your time watching YouTube videos about how your group and only your group understands the world and the rest of us are brainwashed sheeple, start imposing harmful positions on the family like "no childhood vaccinations" based on what some ransomer on YouTube told you, and have no ability whatsover to agree to disagree because you're convinced the only one with the the key to unlock reality, then it's a problem. When every other conversation with your loved ones is insisting that they watch this video so they can understand, then it's a problem. When your belief system is requesting all this from you, then it's a problem.

Plus, the QAnon types haven't just latched on to a few wacky beliefs, they've latched on to a totally different relationship with reality. It is proving very, very damaging to people's relationships with their loved ones and with their wider society.

OP, from your most recent posts (especially your last 1) I really think it’s time to take action. What’s the point in prolonging this crap and marriage if this is what it’s going to be like in the future?!

You say you’re moving soon, how soon is soon? If it’s before Christmas then fine, I’d bide my time. If it’s next year, I couldn’t carry on like this until then. Does your DH want to move? Would he have any inclination to stay where you are? If so, I would lay out 3 options to him tonight.

A) He has to limit the time he’s spending on these groups when he’s home with you and the DC as it’s starting to affect your marriage as he spends more time on his phone then talking and interacting with you.

B) He has to agree to go to marriage counselling.

C) if he won’t discuss or execute either of the above options and he thinks this is how your lives are going to be for the foreseeable, you’re going to have to speak to a solicitor and start divorce proceedings.

It is already affecting your marriage.

And speaking as a Catholic who does believe in things that many non-Catholics would consider bonkers:

if my (non-Catholic) husband was ever saying to people "my wife won't really talk to me about anything other than Catholicism, she keeps insisting I watch Catholic youtube videos all the time, she spends more time talking on Catholic forums than she does with her family, she won't let the kids watch films or watch the news any more because of what somebody on YouTube said, she spends all her time closed off from us and on her phone..." I wouldn't expect people to tell him to live and let live and forget about it. I would expect that people would agree with him that it was a serious problem, because it would be a serious problem!

Op you haven't explained what your beliefs are. Do you believe in Christian blood magic? Is your DP affecting your children or are they allowed to make up their own mind? Children are usually resilient to religious indoctrination!

I'd move and then tell him how you feel. Otherwise you could be stuck there for a very long time.
Hopefully he will choose to get counselling and be able to move away from it.

Hope you’re ok op

This is my life! My husband is the same. And it's not about a difference of opinion, it is so dangerous. My husband doesn't want the vaccine, or to vaccinate our children. We have had marriage counselling, which hasn't worked and we are now looking to separate. I cannot listen to anymore about Bill Gates, micro chips, mark of the Beast, New world order, the great re set. You name it, I've heard it. I have to protect myself and our children. After 15 years of marriage, I never knew it would end because of a cult.

@Abbeywell79 Mumsnet has taken your other thread down - please start another if you want support, I think people are concerned for you - those who are not just bloody arguing over conspiracy theories that is. Hope you're ok.