To leave my cult-obsessed DP?

[Abbeywell79]

My first time in AIBU but I'm getting bugger-all response elsewhere so I've got my big-girl pants on!

Been with DP for 7 years, 2 toddlers, both knackered but we generally have a solid relationship. Same outlook on life (or used to), views on parenting etc.

When Covid struck, dp kept warning me about how we were going to be given a vaccine with a microchip and we were all going to be controlled etc etc.

We had a huge row about it, I said I didn't want to hear such nonsense and long story short, we agreed we wouldn't discuss it any more otherwise it was going to damage our relationship.

Since then, things have been fine on the surface. Day-to day life has resumed. However, because he hasn't had me to talk to about his worries, he's found a load of new buddies online and he is now a fully-fledged member of Qanon who spout all sorts including Satanism in Hollywood, child trafficking for organ harvesting to keep famous people looking good, lizard people in the royal family, 9/11 faked etc.

I only know this because I set up a fake account so I could follow his groups so I know what he is reading and sometimes what he posts within these groups. Otherwise I wouldn't have a clue as he appears to be the perfect partner/dad the rest of the time.

I can't see a way back from this. I always said I would give things until after the US election (when Trump will apparently save the world and 'all will be revealed') to see if it will improve but I think he is so far gone I've lost the man I fell in love with.

My options seem to be:

1. Stay with him. That way I get to keep an eye on the lunacy and ensure he's not trying to indoctrinate our children as they get older
2. Split up. We are about to move 200 miles away to be nearer my family and I was planning on staying with him until we did that then at least I have support. But then it would mean essentially kicking him out then will I lose my kids to him every other weekend? I don't want them travelling and then I won't be able to monitor what he's telling them
3. Keep it under review. DC aren't being affected by it yet so wait until they're older or until his mask starts to slip and he can't contain his 'secrets' any longer

All options seem pretty depressing.

No @Bananasinpyjamas20 I didn’t call the OP rigid, I said maybe her DP is also thinking of leaving her for her rigid way of thinking.... big difference and just stating the obvious if there is a disconnect between them. Yet you call me aggressive and accusatory? 😄

He’s probably posting the same thing about his DP being a “sheep” to his online friends!

There's not been much else to do recently op - some of the theories are interesting and seem to make sense - even if they are complete bollocks.

I am just interested to know - would you react the same if he had found religion instead ?

If his behaviour is normal and he is still the same person - why can't this be a hobby of his ? The only real world impact I can see would be a disagreement over a covid vaccine which might not ever happen anyway

This is so sad OP. So many people have lost family members to this shite.
Has he started saying the earth is flat yet?

@AlwaysUtterChaos

Oh goodness, I could have written this myself! My usually logical husband has absolutely lost the plot, I am brainwashed, shouldn't watch bbc and can't wait for Trump to reveal all. Good luck OP! I have no idea either!

What is it that Trump is supposed to reveal I wonder? I've seen this twice now in this thread. I take it it's one of this weird group's beliefs?

Apparently covid is part of a new world order for the elite being brought about as part of agenda or article 21 from the UN in 1996. sustainable development for the whole world.... Trump will expose it and rescue us all 😖 if you read the news etc etc you are buying into all the lies. It's all a bit nutty... interesting.... but nutty!

Has anyone told Trump?

Just catching up with all the comments. Can’t reply to everything but in response to some:

I have NOT been stalking him online. I promised him I would educate myself about what he believes in so simply joined some groups that I knew he was a member of. Yes I joined anonymously because I didn’t want him to know and then question me about it when we had agreed not to discuss it. Funnily enough, last night he worked out who I was in one group and actually seemed pleased that I had joined although I stressed I still didn’t believe a word of it but the fact I was reading stuff was good enough for him. I guess he thinks I will be turned eventually perhaps!

I’m not going to do anything until we move. And even then I’m going to let things settle and unless his behaviour takes a turn for the worst I’m not going to do anything.

Even though he’s not as present as he might have been, he’s still a loving partner and father. I think of some of the threads I read on here about women living with men who are gamers and think it must be very similar in some sense. He has a very successful job, is very confident, does more than his fair share around the home and weirdly seems happier than ever at the moment. I guess that’s because qanon have built their followers up to believe that the show has started so the next few weeks is like Christmas for them. What happens afterwards will be very telling.

If, more likely when, the wheels start to come off I will send the dc to my parents and sit down with him and ask him to clarify exactly what it is he believes. This is what I don’t want to do because I fear i know what the answers will be.

My main plan is that I will not be the instigator of the ending if this relationship. If it is to end It will be him making the decision based on something like me saying well I’m going to get our dc vaccinated anyway, try and stop me. That way I know the entire blame can lay with him for breaking up our family.

I really hope it doesn’t come to that but I will have a plan b in my head for if it does.

Thanks all for your comments - I really have taken all sides into consideration.

It's so worrying, this whole conspiracy nonsense has become politically powerful. It's quite possible (likely even) that there will be elected legislators around the world very soon who believe this shite and vote based on those beliefs.

Those who say it isn’t a cult are deluded - members of qanon constantly come out with things like ‘oh I lost all my real life friends because they’re sheeple but I’ve found new friends here’, and ‘my children haven’t spoken to me for months it’s heartbreaking I can’t stand that they’re in the dark but hopefully one day Jesus will save them etc’.

This isn’t a difference of opinion. It’s fucking dangerous.

And Trump strikes me as just the sort of person to get sucked into a cult like this. Anti science and thinks he knows better.

This isn’t a difference of opinion. It’s fucking dangerous

Having read your update, I think your husband is just bored.
He is looking for a way out of the monotony and boredom that comes with family life. The lockdown and pandemic has probably increased that feeling for him.

You describe him as successful, intelligent, loving and confident, so he doesn't sound too bad!! I would leave him to it, I am sure once normal life resumes he will be back to enjoying 'real life' and not fantasy and projection.

@Friendsoftheearth

nanny It is kind of terrifying that you think there is just ONE truth and thats it. You do know the world/knowledge/science is evolving all of the time and has since time began. There is no one truth, just what you believe to be true - just one view in a spec of billions.

It is interesting that Hawkings was laughed at the past for his theories ib the early days, and yet he went on to prove they were right. Einstein with his dyslexia was dismissed and shunned - we know what happened next.
Keeping a broad mind, keeping an open mind and not being so bloody quick to judge people should be a basic quality that most people should aspire to - it is not about this truth or that truth, it is having the common sense and humanity to allow others to follow their own journey, take their own decisions - explore the world in their own way. It is important to keep questioning everything around you - to keep your curiosity alive, to remain inquisitive, and retain critical thinking. I have no time for CT personally but if others want to believe in lizards then so be it.

PS Yes I am fairly liberal - where possible (and safe) I do support people to live and let live - it makes the world a more interesting authentic place to live in.

I don't think there's one truth! They think there's one Truth!

But honestly, however much science and everything else is evolving, that has absolutely nothing to do with the lunatic stuff that people are coming out with now.

I will not be open minded about the Lizard Royal Family, Bill Gates microchipping everyone and how every vaccine is poison.

You can be as open-minded as you like (and so can everyone else), but this people are emphatically NOT open-minded. Their Truth is the only truth and some of it is very dangerous. It is not based on science or fact. If they kept it to themselves all would be fine. But sadly they don't.

nanny perhaps I have more confidence in the human race than you do, most people are going to know it is shite, most people are going to explore the theories, some may have more merit than others, but on the whole most people can come to their own conclusions.

We have all had passing fads and phases, mine was the goth chic at 19, and others I won't mention. I don't think we stop being curious just because we hit middle age.

I am a free thinker, I couldn't be anything else, so therefore people investigating theories, starting new or joining old religions etc it just doesn't bother me. Obviously if my dp started satanic chanting in the garden I may have to draw the line. Life is quite dull right now, so maybe he is filling a void - who knows - it is op's choice what road she chooses. I personally would not be getting a divorce over this! In a few months he will be on to the next thing - maybe it is a mid life crisis - a new car will be next. I wouldn't be throwing away a decent marriage unless it started filtering into his behaviour and choices.

God just watched The Social Dilemma on Netflix OP suggest you do too. He has been manipulated by the content he is seeing. It’s as much of the direct opposite of “free thinking” as it’s possible to be. Friend softhearted is being utterly naive. It’s not 1996 anymore (sadly in some ways)

What happens afterwards will be very telling.

There never will be an 'afterwards'. When Trump doesn't 'reveal the truth' they will move the goalposts to say that he has to bide his time because....blablah some bollocks, or that he's been told not to tell the people because ....more bollocks.

For similar, see all those who predicted the end of the world in - well, just about every year since 1066. They get all prepared and then there's some perfectly good, logical and understandable reason why the deadline has been moved.

They talk themselves into reasoning why this all has to be 'secret', even if the reasoning does tend to look like the world's most convoluted logic. Occam's Razor is usually my go-to for these situations.

@anon2334 Couldnt agree with your post more!!!

I think this from friends is the relevant line. I wouldn't be throwing away a decent marriage unless it started filtering into his behaviour and choices.

I have friends who are quite leftie. One bangs on about Palestine but I fucking hate anti semitism and shut her down. In fact I take this piss out of her for it (tea towel on my head and 'free Palestine' after a few drinks.) Another has teacher type leftie ideas including a few I find rather ridiculous.

But they are lovely. They are my friends. Their beliefs are theirs and it's like Brexit. I'm not going to agree with everyone but I'm not going to lose friends over it.

I think this thing is insane. He might very well be losing his marbles - in fact I would be very concerned. But I've just read a study on this group and it transpires that the majority if members don't actually believe all the crap.

So if his behaviour is normal its probably corona madness. Get him into another environment and around decent men who will take the piss out of him and give him something to occupy his mind and hopefully it will be a passing fad. You'll never get him to admit he's wrong so discussing the actual beliefs is a zero sum game. Maybe he just wants to feel heard though? Or part of something? Or like he knows something important?

Get him a subscription to the new scientist, Time, or national geographic. Life is boring as fuck at the moment and nature abhors a vacuum. Just kept him away from bloody politics.

googling shit and youtube is not 'research' for the love of fucking sanity

anon so because you cant dissprove everything, you will just believe anything? that seems very sensible.....

disprove

I have friends who are quite leftie. One bangs on about Palestine but I fucking hate anti semitism and shut her down
WTAF!
It’s not anti Semitic to be opposed to the disgusting way Israel has and is behaving towards the Palestine people.
Its beyond disgraceful.

@Swimminginroses

I have friends who are quite leftie. One bangs on about Palestine but I fucking hate anti semitism and shut her down WTAF! It’s not anti Semitic to be opposed to the disgusting way Israel has and is behaving towards the Palestine people. Its beyond disgraceful.

Hahaha to each his own. That's your point of view and I'm not going to discuss it. But plenty think it's abhorrent. And anti Semitic. 😁

[quote FordBlue]I listened to a podcast recently about a QAnon conspiracy theorist who stopped believing. It was a couple of YouTube videos that finally disproved it for him. Might be worth a listen: www.wbur.org/endlessthread/2020/10/02/qanon-casualties-conspiracy-theory

They also mentioned a Reddit site called QAnon Casualties - ‘a Reddit community dedicated to supporting loved ones of QAnon’ www.reddit.com/r/QAnonCasualties/[/quote]
OP, this is the most useful post on the thread. I would have a look at the Reddit and watch the video.

MarriedtoDaveGrohl
You really need to educate yourself about Palestine. This is not just 'a point of view'. What is going on there is a fact.

(With apologies to OP for going off -topic, but this was too serious to ignore)

@VenusOfWillendorf

I think you need to talk to him about it - and see how much of it he actually believes and how much of it is just fascination with alternative theories. It's perfectly possible to spend time in these groups and interact and play along to see what people say - without actually buying into it.

If its something that has only just come up for him within the last six months, and if everything else is happy and well, I wouldn't throw away your relationship without trying to figure out what might be behind this.

This poster is the only one making sense so far. All the other 'know-it-alls' LTB mob need to chill. They are telling a complete stranger to dump their partner of 7 yrs, father of their children because he's got some sudden paranoia/conspiracy fixation and obviously it's a strong enough reason to leave the guy. OP, listen to this poster and have a heart to heart with him about his reasons, evaluate whether and how this will impact the relationship, etc.

This place is toxic, full of sad sahm who left their husbands because they snored, as advised by some well-meaning soul on MN. Ridiculous.