To leave my cult-obsessed DP?

[Abbeywell79]

My first time in AIBU but I'm getting bugger-all response elsewhere so I've got my big-girl pants on!

Been with DP for 7 years, 2 toddlers, both knackered but we generally have a solid relationship. Same outlook on life (or used to), views on parenting etc.

When Covid struck, dp kept warning me about how we were going to be given a vaccine with a microchip and we were all going to be controlled etc etc.

We had a huge row about it, I said I didn't want to hear such nonsense and long story short, we agreed we wouldn't discuss it any more otherwise it was going to damage our relationship.

Since then, things have been fine on the surface. Day-to day life has resumed. However, because he hasn't had me to talk to about his worries, he's found a load of new buddies online and he is now a fully-fledged member of Qanon who spout all sorts including Satanism in Hollywood, child trafficking for organ harvesting to keep famous people looking good, lizard people in the royal family, 9/11 faked etc.

I only know this because I set up a fake account so I could follow his groups so I know what he is reading and sometimes what he posts within these groups. Otherwise I wouldn't have a clue as he appears to be the perfect partner/dad the rest of the time.

I can't see a way back from this. I always said I would give things until after the US election (when Trump will apparently save the world and 'all will be revealed') to see if it will improve but I think he is so far gone I've lost the man I fell in love with.

My options seem to be:

1. Stay with him. That way I get to keep an eye on the lunacy and ensure he's not trying to indoctrinate our children as they get older
2. Split up. We are about to move 200 miles away to be nearer my family and I was planning on staying with him until we did that then at least I have support. But then it would mean essentially kicking him out then will I lose my kids to him every other weekend? I don't want them travelling and then I won't be able to monitor what he's telling them
3. Keep it under review. DC aren't being affected by it yet so wait until they're older or until his mask starts to slip and he can't contain his 'secrets' any longer

All options seem pretty depressing.

the problem with today's news re the church of england is that sadly it was only too predictable, no need for any elaborate conspiracy theories at all, just powerful men doing what they have always done, sometimes in plain sight
you can judge conspiracy theories by asking the question, if this was true, what else would have to be true? eg if the royals are shape shifting lizards then everyone who has had anything to do with them over the years must be keeping the secret, or alternatively they would have to lead such secretive lives that suspicion would arise. If the moon landings were fake, what about all the TV crews etc that broadcast the films? How exactly would microchips be delivered in a vaccine?
Nobody is saying these things can't be discussed but the psychological drivers of conspiracy theories are such that it's unproductive to discuss them. On the other hand the more we talk about child abuse in institutions, the better.

The world has changed beyond all recognition-people are dealing with it differently, some just adapt and get on with it, others lock themselves away from it all, some desperately seek answers where there aren’t any. Any explanation is better than no explanation. People look for agency and what you look for you’ll generally find. The current situation and by extension other similar unexplainable situations might seem for your DH more easily to accept if he “knows” the reason behind them. Maybe look to support the father of your children by seeing he’s struggling rather than running away

It sounds like he needs professional help.

I’d broach the suggestion of counselling to him first, but after a period of time and if he is not willing to consider it, then then I would leave.

The well-being and mental health of you and your children comes first.

I had one of them. I threw him out. So much better without him.

I went down the conspiracy rabbit hole for a while. It can be entertaining to begin with, but then you get drawn in and start to wonder if there could be something in it. As others have said, sometimes there is a grain of truth to a theory, which can then make people think there are massive cover ups going on. I pulled back from it after a few months, as I realised how unlikely it was that so many powerful people from all around the world would work together and keep secrets for so long. Anyone who has ever sat on any committee will know how hard it is to get everyone to agree on anything - there is always someone who won't fall into line. So, maybe this phase is something he'll come out of, by hinself, in time.

I would make the planned move to be near to your family, then once settled you could raise the subject and try to ascertain how involved he has become. If you do end up splitting, you'll need your family to help you. If you stay together, your family might be able to help to talk sense into your DP, or at least be a balancing influence for your DC as they grow up.

Are you married to my brother!? 😂. Honestly if you love him and your relationship is good this would not split you up,

**I think you need to examine your own rigid thinking, because debating conspiracy theories and even believing in some of them is not as uncommon as you think. Closing down the debate simply because you think it is BS smacks of someone not even able to consider different viewpoints. You might think it is far out and stupid, but not everyone has to agree with your world view. Listening to him, gently challenging and debating different ideas and theories is not indulging his fantasies or cult op, it is being intellectually flexible enough to know there are many strange things in the world, we don't have all of the answers - we never will, and some of the forums will simply be entertainment or your dh may be up completely taken in with it all.

You should also examine why you are so frightened by a different way of thinking, and challenge your own prejudice and pre conditioned ideas.**

Exactly this 👆🏼. Get a grip OP.

@nogo777

**I think you need to examine your own rigid thinking, because debating conspiracy theories and even believing in some of them is not as uncommon as you think. Closing down the debate simply because you think it is BS smacks of someone not even able to consider different viewpoints. You might think it is far out and stupid, but not everyone has to agree with your world view. Listening to him, gently challenging and debating different ideas and theories is not indulging his fantasies or cult op, it is being intellectually flexible enough to know there are many strange things in the world, we don't have all of the answers - we never will, and some of the forums will simply be entertainment or your dh may be up completely taken in with it all.

You should also examine why you are so frightened by a different way of thinking, and challenge your own prejudice and pre conditioned ideas.**

Exactly this 👆🏼. Get a grip OP.

Somethings are none negotiable when it comes to theories. Tolerance of them even if you don't actively engage in them runs the risk of legitimising them. For example the Earth is not flat, to say otherwise is not 'a different view point' it is the denial of the basics of primary school level science.

People who are telling op to leave because he looks at conspiracy sights are all batshit crazy.
Op you obviously don't love him much to want to leave over something like this - he deserves better.

Make a humongous alien looking probe out of a dildo for inseminating Boris’s lizard monkey sperm then chase your husband round the house with it till he fucks off out of your life forever.

I'm experiencing exactly this with my DP, it's been brewing for years as his child (not mine) was diagnosed as Autistic and he blames the mmr vaccine. Since then his views have become more extreme to the point of attending David Icke lectures and flat earth. He's not as far down the rabbit hole to believe that the Royals are lizards but he's totally convinced by the whole Celeb paedophile theories. The problem I have is that there are grains of truth around these conspiracy theories - Icke did call out BBC peados years ago including Savile and who would have thought Prince Andrew would be involved with Epstein and Maxwell ?

Some stuff I'm prepared to listen to with an open mind but a lot of what my DP is constantly researching and following troubles me. He's intelligent and Masters Degree educated but I also believe he can be easily led by online stuff - he isn't great with Social contact and 'real people' and I having thought he might also be on the autistic spectrum but high functioning.

I'm struggling myself on how to deal with it :-(

Ahhh I don’t know OP. He’s engaging in a “cult” or whatever you want to call it. The problem is the longer he is engaging in it the deeper connection your husband will have. Where does it end? If ever?

Did this just start since the personal problems OP?

I’d be a bit worried in all honestly!

There are lots of conspiracies. This is just one of them. Vaccination to curb global population.

pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/12346214/

www.wsj.com/articles/BL-WHB-1322
Scary, yeah?

Obviously the Earth isn't flat. It's more an ignorance rather than a conspiracy.

Try to talk to your DH, OP. Maybe try to both to research the topic as much as possible. You'd be right and he'd be wrong or the other way round.

There is something very, very wrong in the way that harmful, accusatory and hateful conspiracy speech is presented as ‘another opinion that we all must listen to or be accused of rigid thinking, anti-democratic, closed mindedness’.

This is totally wrong. I will never legitimise hate and paranoia by saying it is just another opinion.

Conspiracy theories are accusations about and to other people. Based on no evidence whatsoever. Real, live, human people are often the targets.

There is nothing to stop people thinking others are lizards or that Jewish people are part of a conspiracy. However we as humans need a level of trust in other human beings so that we can all walk freely without fear of discrimination or hate just because of our race or whatever. Extreme right wing forums dedicated to conspiracies theories inciting hate towards any sectors of society that are completely unfounded are unacceptable in a democracy.

@Frostiesfortea

Are you married to my brother!? 😂. Honestly if you love him and your relationship is good this would not split you up,

You could stay with someone who genuinely believes the Royal Family are lizards?

Apparently just been banned on all platforms

Cut your losses and the future damage to your children and get out right now. It's absolutely horrific how many people are being impacted by this qnonsense. It blows my mind. It's a vicious cult and I fucking hate them for it.

Let's say that 9/11 was faked. If you look at the events of sixty years prior you can see why that might be so. It's not coming from a vacuum. Of course, it does seem to lead to an endless cycle of revenge/conspiracy.

I think you need to move, then split up it's not fair to you that you carryon as you are.

banana OBVIOUSLY anyone that is being racist is not welcome on any platform anywhere, ditto with other forms of hate - I should think that goes without saying to be honest.

However - if people want to believe in lizards, are wary of vaccines, follow the planets rather than the calendar or any other number of whacky theories, that is their choice!! It is not yours, you have no right to demand that they can't believe and talk about what they like, so you can walk around and 'feel safe' - this is very disordered thinking as well. You live in a democracy - where freedom of speech is our legal right. It is very precious.

If you want to live in a society that is censored - and anything 'distasteful' removed, then move to China. This is the free world - and I for one hope it will stay that way.

My ex is of this ilk. My children make comments about how some people shouldn’t be allowed the internet and roll their eyes at the bonkers stuff he sends them. Don’t stay in a marriage that makes you unhappy.

@Friendsoftheearth you very obviously have never been involved with anybody who falls down this rabbit hole. It happened to my sister, i tried everything that you described from presenting evidence to listening to her and having ongoing debates.

In the end nothing like that worked and it never will because in their mind it is them against the world. Everything I proved as being factually incorrect was shut down with "well it would say that they own that paper/news outlet, they bribed that judge etc. When I questioned who they were I was told it was the new world order.

It is not about being open to different views. That's the point of it, there is no reasonable discussion with these people. For what it's worth my sister also believes the Queen is a lizard.

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP.

Just heard on the radio Facebook has pulled qanon on all its sm platforms. I wonder how the h has reacted to this and if the op is ok

the Why did you feel the need to try and convince your sister you were right? You did have the option to present your point of view, evidence produced and if she still doesn't believe you - leave it. It is up to her. It is not your job to 'fix' her world view, or decide what she should or shouldn't believe. Okay so she is different to you. We should embracing differences, how awful if we all lived in a world where we were all the same. Like robots or zombies just following whatever is the latest soundbite without question. Some people have incredibly unusual ideas about the world, and they are people I am more interested in!

I understand with op that you might want to have the same values if you are married and having children together, that can be a problem - but for those people that have siblings etc leave them to it. It is their choice, if they are not causing harm - obviously if they are being racist/homophobic and offensive etc that is completely different story and they should challenged, and hopefully it should become a police matter - and dealt with in the courts. But if they want to believe in lizards that is their choice.

It is another depressing example of a general lack of tolerance. I find it suffocating.

Live and let live!

Believing that Chrissy Teigen murdered her own baby in order to give Trump COVID isn’t a ‘different way of thinking’; it’s categorically insane and should be treated as such.

The problem with post-modernism is that many people have come to believe that all ideas and opinions are somehow equally valid, and there is no objective truth. This is a very dangerous belief.