My daughter

[tvsnacking]

I need to know if i am an complete cow..
we live in the middle of nowhere. Not uk. My daughter , 12, going to School 3 km from home. Now she ride a bike to School , but winter is coming.
I am sahm.
We have a possibility to her to drive to and from School in a sort of a taxi , cost nothing. But you only book one Seat and it is booked the Day before.
My daughter Think i should drive her, in case she want friends home with her.
I say, if you know the Day before, i am happy to book 2 seats. But no, they always make plans on the Day, so she Can never have friends home.
The reasons for me to sah is irrelevant - i Think - but i Think my offer for her to go in taxi (or use her bike?) is good enough.
She think I am the worst mother for not driving her.
What do you think?

I don't think that you need to feel guilty about this OP, it's perfectly reasonable for your daughter to tell you the day before if she wants to bring a friend home after school.Mumsnet has some conflicting and strange ideas about driving. There are posts saying nervous drivers who drive under the speed limit shouldn't be on the road and other posts criticising people who dislike driving and avoid it. There also seems to be resentment from some quarters towards SAHParents which is influencing the responses. People are deliberately ignoring all the other pressures on your time. I think your daughter may be extremely worried about her brother though and in need of a lot of support from you and your husband.

OP, I suggest you leave this thread. Your DD can get home safely and if she choses can bring a friend, with planning and it sounds like they are very welcome.
It sounds like you are addressing your anxiety and your DS mental health issues. I am sure that the impact on your DD is not lost on you so random theory from random peole on an internet forum will not be of any help and make you feel worse. I guess (having worked with families in similar situations and having been there myself) you are struggling because you feel you should a) as a parent be able to fix everything b) not know where to start and c) are so run down yourself, physically and emotionally it feels to big a hurdle.

I have not driven in 20 years since I got my license, where we live we have managed to have a child without a car for nearly 10 years, he is now 13 and we manage him to do things without having a car.

There is no long drawn out story why I don't drive nor that we dont have a car I just dont drive and we are too lazy to buy one.

Life still goes on

@runninguphills

I love my children to have independance and I promote it as much as I can. However, I do think you are being a bit mean and putting your own interests in front of your daughters.

You do have the luxury of all day to write and exercise. Popping out for 10-20 mins to collect her when it's raining or if she wants a friend home isn't unreasonable.

Does she have a phone? Could she just text you in the day if a friend can come home and then you collect her? Otherwise she comes home on the taxi.

She's only 12 - I still think she needs a bit nurturing.

I agree with this . The odd day should be ok . I have 5 kids and they all get dropped to school , my daughter was getting a bus but with Covid now I don't want her on public transportation 🤨 . She is 14. Now my 10 year old son walks home his school is only half a km though he likes to be independent. My daughter goes to school 7 kms away . My eldest is probably my biggest problem 19 ! He would let me lift him to college on my shoulders with his bed stuck to his back if he could get away with it . I insist he makes his own way he's 19 ffs if he can make it to the pub he can get to college ! But 12 is a little tender in my opinion. Don't talk to me about anxiety mine is there 24/7 had it all my life . Tell her no to everyday but tell her send you a text at lunch the odd day and you'll collect them make them pizza etc .. it's a hard age kids aren't the way we were back in the day all mine tell me that they don't make plans it's spur of the moment.

OP you sound at the end of your tether and I'm sorry about that... But it sounds as if all your issues with you and your ds have been focussed down to this matter of transport for your dd.

You have chosen to live in the middle of nowhere with dc. Then you will be taxing them around a lot, even more so to socialize when teens.

I don't think she is using the after school club because she wants to be home, perhaps feeling she needs to monitor the (for her) terrifying situation at home.

It is quite normal here that children arrange to go home with each other straight after the last lesson, not the day or week before. Of course she can plan and do this, but she will feel left out when her friends arrange things straight after school.

(on a different note, if it's only fields and no traffic for her, it must be the same for you).

And to pps winters can be really shit, cold and snowy here .

There are some real mummy martyrs on here.

This - I find it quite astonishing!

OP, I'm sorry so many posters feel the need to be so rude to you, and also the need to tell you how you should live your life. I know a few people who are anxious about driving, and I don't drive at all, that doesn't mean we all have a mental illness ffs. I find it really strange how some people freak out when they see a spider - but I certainly don't think they have a mental illness. God, this world is becoming such a strange place - everything has to have a label, and be some sort of illness.

@tvsnacking

3 of her friends is your neihhbors. They all stay in the "after School club". She Can too. And her dad can Pick her up at 4 o clock. But she want to go home Right after School. She is welcome. With all her friends . Just give me 2 hours to book the car. Yes i have made my mind up. Im not doing it. But i feel like a crap mother. And that is wrong . Even if i am at home. My time is also valuable. She get a taxi. With her friends . Just give me 2 hours to book the car!

I thinks you should feel like a crap mother. A self-absorbed one too! No way would I let my child take a taxi to school, alone, at that age so I could ‘exercise’ or ‘write a book’.

You don’t work so have the rest of your day to indulge yourself.

If i could i would pick her up on days when she makes last minute plans, taxi rest of time , friendships are so important to their happiness, honestly doesnt sound too hard to pick her up every now and then , ime rightly or wrongly most parents run round after their kids . Encourage forward planning and consideration but ultimately id be pleased my kids are happy and have good friends that they are want to bring home

@Runnerduck34

If i could i would pick her up on days when she makes last minute plans, taxi rest of time , friendships are so important to their happiness, honestly doesnt sound too hard to pick her up every now and then , ime rightly or wrongly most parents run round after their kids . Encourage forward planning and consideration but ultimately id be pleased my kids are happy and have good friends that they are want to bring home

Spot on .

”I know a few people who are anxious about driving, and I don't drive at all, that doesn't mean we all have a mental illness ffs.”

OP is avoiding an activity she is quite capable of in a way that interferes with normal daily life because of her anxiety. At least, that’s what she first told us. That’s pretty much the criteria for anxiety as a mental illness. Seeing a doctor would be the appropriate step to take if you (or any of the people you know) lets an excessive or unreasonable fear of something interfere with your daily life (especially if that interference has knock on effects for your family).

There really is effective treatment. It doesn’t have to dictate how you live.

I thinks you should feel like a crap mother. A self-absorbed one too! No way would I let my child take a taxi to school, alone, at that age so I could ‘exercise’ or ‘write a book’.

And this is the way to bring up entitled selfish little brats! Ffs the girl is 12, what is so terrible about taking a taxi to school? What do you think is going to happen? It's 3 kms!!! Children need to learn how to cope in the real world, and how to become resilient - not have Mummy running after them. The OP can sit at home all day and watch TV if she wants - it' got nothing to do with judgemental idiots like you.

OP is avoiding an activity she is quite capable of in a way that interferes with normal daily life because of her anxiety.

How is it affecting her normal daily life? Because she doesn't want to drive her daughter home from a school 3kms away? She shouldn't need to drive her daughter home from school - you are being ridiculous.

@eaglejulesk

OP is avoiding an activity she is quite capable of in a way that interferes with normal daily life because of her anxiety.

How is it affecting her normal daily life? Because she doesn't want to drive her daughter home from a school 3kms away? She shouldn't need to drive her daughter home from school - you are being ridiculous.

The OP’s reason for not picking her daughter up was her anxiety. She is avoiding something she had been doing because of her anxiety. Pointing this out isn’t being ridiculous Even if, ultimately, her daughter is better off making her own way to school. This won’t be the only car journey the OP avoids because she allows her anxiety to dictate when or if she drives. Minimizing mental illness because you think it’s kinder is, ultimately, bad for all of us but, in this case, especially for the OP and her family.

Of i was at home doing nothing but reading books or exercising all day, yes I would take my child to school and pick her up. She didn't chose to live in the middle of nowhere.

children have to earn that the world does not revolve around them.
OP you are doing nothing wrong. the girl has several options, all of which are acceptable. it is right that you do not collude in being her personal servant. she has to fit in to family life.
she is not being deprived or neglected.
you do not want to raise a self-centred insufferable brat.
good for you.

Where i grew up you biked 7k to school and 7k back even when it was raining or minus degrees. She can bike. Or take a taxi (lucky girl)

Plus... she is 12. Not 6. So she can learn to plan playdates (haha) with her friends the day before. And is she doesn't want to do that well than too bad 😊she'll learn quickly

She is 12, she has viable options if she wishes to plan ahead and use them.

You are not being a cow by not driving her, not in the slightest and DO ignore the vipers who think you ought to ferry your child around all day long when this is an activity that causes you serious anxiety.

Some people have NO idea what such anxiety is like to live with and no, sometimes 'practicing' doesn't make it go away - I did a job for TEN YEARS that caused me serious anxiety every single time (it involved going into peoples homes), the sickness I felt each time just got worse, not better, I stopped doing it and found an alternative.

The OP's anxiety around driving is NOT causing her daughter to miss out, it is NOT impacting her daughters life, she has alternatives, she can ride a bike, she can walk with her friends, she can book a space in the taxi.

Goodmorning and thank you for your wievs.
My dh " ferry Them around " if they need , after 4 o clock.
I Can Pick her up from friends .
The School has an totally awfull parking place and with all the kids with no legs - there is a lot of cars.
I do adress my mental health . With psykistrist and medicine.
It is not about time. I have time. It is about what is reasonable to expect from a 12 year Old.
Thanks again everybody.

If you are so anxious about driving, it's best you don't for the sake of others on the road.

I would also recommend getting off the thread OP, some of the posters are absolutely stark raving mad! Your transport plans sound absolutely reasonable.

Thanks, everybody.
The people i have been giving lifts , say i drive absolutely fine. It is just my mind hating it.
Most people work an hour from here, they could not just come running, if kid Got sick. (They usually Call me😂)
If we get up in the morning with a plan of her riding her bike, and it is pouring Down, ofcourse i drive her. And others, on the Way.
But i want her to plan . And i want her to be more independent.
Thank you again.

This is why the environment is going to hell and we are all going to die.

You have a FREE TAXI service and your daughter is seriously expecting you to drive her instead?????

Just no.

And what about the added expense, not to mention your time. It's crazy. Just no. You know you are in the right. Please don't listen to crazies on MN who say a 12 year old needs to be driven by their mummy door to door.

I look forward to reading your book!

Haha thanks - i have started my book 😂
My moms brother is a World known writer - and he has set times to write, every Day. Office hours. I would like that too.
I do all the House work, most animal work. And i want my time to be respected, too.
My dh has learned it. She Can too. I hope 😂

@eaglejulesk

I thinks you should feel like a crap mother. A self-absorbed one too! No way would I let my child take a taxi to school, alone, at that age so I could ‘exercise’ or ‘write a book’.

And this is the way to bring up entitled selfish little brats! Ffs the girl is 12, what is so terrible about taking a taxi to school? What do you think is going to happen? It's 3 kms!!! Children need to learn how to cope in the real world, and how to become resilient - not have Mummy running after them. The OP can sit at home all day and watch TV if she wants - it' got nothing to do with judgemental idiots like you.

If the op sits at home reading all day then she’s no parent. She decided not to drive her daughter because she doesn’t want to - that’s all. The rest of her excuses followed later.

Yes, she can bike or walk like a lot of children but she would like her mum to pick her up and I see nothing wrong with a 12yr old CHILD wanting this. In my opinion, the only one who sounds bratty and entitled is the OP.

As for others stating those who disagree with the OP are ‘vipers’ and ‘mad’ - why??? This is a discussion forum and people are entitled to state their opinion. You may not agree with it but don’t be so self-righteous. Are you lot the same MNs who put their children on the street on their 18th birthday because they are now adults?

As for others stating those who disagree with the OP are ‘vipers’ and ‘mad’ - why???

No one is calling posters mad because they disagree with OP. They're call them mad because they're saying OP is 'spoiled' and 'no parent' to expect her 12 year old to take school transport fffs!

I will never understand this preciousness about driving children door to door when there's a good, free, environmentally friendly option available. It's faux-parenting. It's pretending you're a great mother while doing something worthless, time consuming, environmentally irresponsible and bad for your children's growth and development. No wonder we have 24 year olds who can't ride the tube and have to take classes in adulting!