My daughter

[tvsnacking]

I need to know if i am an complete cow..
we live in the middle of nowhere. Not uk. My daughter , 12, going to School 3 km from home. Now she ride a bike to School , but winter is coming.
I am sahm.
We have a possibility to her to drive to and from School in a sort of a taxi , cost nothing. But you only book one Seat and it is booked the Day before.
My daughter Think i should drive her, in case she want friends home with her.
I say, if you know the Day before, i am happy to book 2 seats. But no, they always make plans on the Day, so she Can never have friends home.
The reasons for me to sah is irrelevant - i Think - but i Think my offer for her to go in taxi (or use her bike?) is good enough.
She think I am the worst mother for not driving her.
What do you think?

YANBU, OP. It’s not like you’re insisting she trudges home barefoot through gales. She has the option of a taxi if the weather’s looking too nasty for the short walk home. That ought to be absolutely fine for a 12-year -old. There are some real mummy martyrs on here.

@MidnightCitrus

You've clearly got major issues. Please go deal with them and stop harrassing and bullying me on MN.

@tvsnacking
Really?

Your daughter is pushing your buttons and making you more stressed than you seem to be able to manage. 12 is a difficult age, it's testing limits time, manipulating Mum time, and all that involves. That you have driven her for 4 years doesn't mean you can do it now, anxiety doesn't work like that. Bus, Bike, Walk. That is a reasonable choice.

She's digging her heals in so the argument is now pretty much moot.
You don't give a child what they want when they're flexing their Me-Me-Me muscles!

Let her sulk. She doesn't get to tell you what you should be doing. You're giving her a perfectly good alternative option, if she doesn't like it she can lump it.

[quote MidnightCitrus]@tvsnacking
Really?[/quote]
apologies @tvsnacking that was meant for @QueSera

Your not being a crap mum or even unfair. Soon she will be a teenager and will need to at least think one day ahead, it’s not even unfair on the friend as the get a free journey. I’m suprised at the number of people who think it’s okay to comment on mental health with a. Being a doctor or b. Being you. I don’t know how to drive because I knew my anexiety would be too bad and would likely make it worse. She will settle down just be firm it will not be long before the next thing.

Is her anger just about her wanting you to drive her? Or is it about something else too? I.e. her wanting your attention, esp if you are preoccupied with your son? You say that the atmosphere at home is chilled, yet you suffer from anxiety and your son is suicidal. Both of those things, esp the latter must be very frightening for all of you, including her. Am just wondering whether some of her outbursts are made worse by this additional stress? Could you arrange a day where you collect her after school once a fortnight and on that day she can bring home whoever she likes?

”Not everyone is cut out to be a driver.”

”Wish more people were that self-aware. The roads would be much safer”

The OP doesn’t claim to be a bad driver, in fact she says her DH tells her she’s good. She claims to have anxiety about driving. That isn’t self awareness that improves road safety,

Anxiety is a mental illness that is an indicator for poor outcomes for children. Parents with anxiety who do not deal with their mental illness effectively significantly increase the risk of their own children suffering from anxiety and impacts learning, access to opportunities, general wellness and happiness.

The child’s desire to bring friends home from school with no notice isn’t really the problem here, the problem is that OP is sticking her head in the sand about her illness and failing to deal with it. Her DD’s insistence she should drive her may even be more about wanting a healthy mother than actually feeling a huge need to bring friends back.

MN has a destructive habit of excusing posters from dealing with mental illness. But it has a serious detrimental impact on children. It’s an indicator of poor outcomes up there with drug and alcohol abuse and domestic violence.

She need to grow up
Be less selfish
Plan ahead ....

Who say i dont deal with my issues?
I dont!
I have a wide range of people here.. and i get medication.
Yes he has mental Health issues. But he is sweet. To us, and to her.
Of Course i am worried sick! But his problems has been in my life since he was 7. It is not new.
We are a huge family. We all love him. And we are close.
My dd love both her grand parents . And they are close . See eachother often. I tell her we have no secrets, she cam tell Them everything.
We live a completely normal and boring life.
I do a lot of stuff with her. Her friends are here often. My dh often drive to Pick up friends from where we used to live . She is close to her cousins.
I want to take Care of me and my mental health . I want the Day for me. And it might Sound spoiled to some - tough - but i actually have the Day for me - doing farm work etc - if she take the bloody taxi.
And. She is marvellous. Really: she is such a good kid: doing good in School, good friends - here and "from home" - good intérêts , fabulous relationship with brother - i would not change a thing with her. Beside this transport issue

I have prioritized driving her for many years , but i need to prioritize me too, and i really Think she has it good. Ride a bike or take the bloody taxi. Plan, if you want friends with you

You have only passed your test 3 years ago so hardly many years

You are a parent to a 12 year old. You don’t get to prioritise you.

Doesn’t she do any ECAs? How does she get to and from them.

I would pick a couple of times per week she has friends over and book the taxi for 2 or 3 or however many spaces.

It might be different in Denmark but I would be worried about her even cycling home. Accidents happen. Not everyone is a nice person.
Dc had the freedom of London but that was because it has so many CCTV cameras that it is a relatively safe place, especially around all the touristy places

Walking up the country lane outside our house was a different matter

@ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble

but i just dont want to. You sound like a petulant teenager yourself. I don't wanna! But it's not fair! But I don't like it! But I did x,y,z! But I don't wanna!

Your daughter has an excuse. She's 12,self absorbed,immature and impulsive.

It doesn't matter what we say, you don't want to so you won't do it. This is all pointless.

your daughter didn't choose the country,the location and everything else .

Please yourself by all means,but then don't moan she's not happy with it. She doesn't have to be.

This exactly.^ Please yourself. You have decided already. Your daughter cannot be expected to be happy about it, so don't punish her if she isn't. On the bright side, this experience will likely make your daughter a better and more caring mother when her time comes.

I don’t know if anyone has said you don’t deal with your issues but you’re pulling back from driving after doing it for 4 years. That’s an indication your anxiety may be getting worse, and so an indication you may not be dealing with it effectively. It’s all you talked about at first and you haven’t mentioned at all how you have tried to tackle it. But once people call you on that you bring up other reasons for not taking her. The other reasons may be valid (and there’s a strong argument that many posters have made that a 12 year old shouldn’t get driven to and from school for a ~2mile walk), but even you aren’t going to know that that is why you are making this decision for sure until you’ve tackled the anxiety. The issue of your anxiety being the big thing you think about in regard to driving indicates that it dictates your live, and consequently your children’s and that is not good.

You have one child and you don’t work! You are still getting a massive chunk of the day to spend as you wish if you collect her from school.

Parents with anxiety who do not deal with their mental illness effectively significantly increase the risk of their own children suffering from anxiety and impacts learning, access to opportunities, general wellness and happiness.

Whilst I agree with your point, there is a risk that telling someone who has anxiety this, in such a direct manner, could increase their anxiety, make them feel even worse about themselves and make it subsequently harder to seek out help. Perhaps it would be better to phrase it more positively such as "it has been shown that the outcomes of children with anxious parents increase where the parents seek help!" Imo, it would be better to encourage an anxious or depressed person to see the positives of obtaining help, rather than view their current position negatively.

@Notthetoothfairy

You have one child and you don’t work! You are still getting a massive chunk of the day to spend as you wish if you collect her from school.

If you can’t be arsed reading the whole thread, at least have the wit to read OP’s comments, then you won’t look so foolish.

In any respect the OP has not said that she's not seeking help and that some time to herself would be good for her. I would also separate out the issue between someone having mental health issues/anxiety/depression and someone who has a more specific issue such as finding driving stressful. Pretty much everyone that I know has an anxiety relating to something (fear of flying/driving on motorways/heights/spiders) and yet the outcomes for their children are still very good.

You sound really checked out from parenting which is a bit sad. You keep saying 'She's 12!' like that's old enough to just crack on with things, but really it's a little girl. It's weird that you'd rather chill out on your own and let your daughter go to school with strangers than take her. You're giving in to your anxiety and you're blaming your child for not being fine with that.

I think you should get therapy for the anxiety. Driving is an important skill, and you should be able to occasionally give your daughter a lift- what if there were no taxis? What if there was an emergency?

Can you find a compromise where you’ll drive her a couple of days a week and that’s when she can have a friend round?

@MidnightCitrus I've hardly lost a grip. The OP is denying that hers and her sons mental health issues will have an impact on her daughter. I can promise you it will. It's my line of work. The OP has access to a car and the child is 12! Yes she's got anxiety but so do many people, who manage to get off their backside and care for their child properly. She's giving lots of care to her son but cannot be bothered to give 15 minutes to her daughter once or twice per week.
She gets plenty of time to herself and exercise. If the kids are out the house 6 hours per day, that's 30 hours per week. She'll also get other time they aren't with her. Please tell me what planet she is on because I don't know if any mum who has that much time to themselves. Especially ones who can't be arsed to support and help out her daughter.

Wow everyone’s giving you such a hard time OP! Going back to the original post, I don’t think it’s unreasonable for you not to drive your DC to and from school. It’s also not unreasonable to ask for a single day’s notice for her inviting guests home. Millions of children (myself included) survived the entire secondary school experience without lifts to or from school. I either walked (40mins each way) or took the bus. Surely making your own way to school is an incredibly common experience for secondary school children.

I can’t believe how many parents are saying you are being unreasonable! Where I grew up normally at her age after school stuff was planned at least the day before because even if a kid got the bus back with you, you still needed to check that their parents could pick them up from your house in the evening. So it’s not just her that she needs to consider - she shouldn’t just assume their parents have nothing better to do than pick up their kids either. And she is 12, she can learn that the world doesn’t revolve around her.

I agree with the suggestion that maybe every Wednesday and Friday (or whatever regular days work best) she can have friends over and you pick her up and the other days it needs to be planned the day before. It’s only one day’s worth of planning, it’s a good life lesson. I live in London where most social plans are made weeks in advance...!

I would possibly say 'taxi 3 days a week, I will drive 2 days' (well I dont drive anyway but if I did)

Or something like that

@Arthersleep

Parents with anxiety who do not deal with their mental illness effectively significantly increase the risk of their own children suffering from anxiety and impacts learning, access to opportunities, general wellness and happiness.

Whilst I agree with your point, there is a risk that telling someone who has anxiety this, in such a direct manner, could increase their anxiety, make them feel even worse about themselves and make it subsequently harder to seek out help. Perhaps it would be better to phrase it more positively such as "it has been shown that the outcomes of children with anxious parents increase where the parents seek help!" Imo, it would be better to encourage an anxious or depressed person to see the positives of obtaining help, rather than view their current position negatively.

In many circumstances, say if I were a good friend who spent a lot of time with the OP or if the OP came on wondering if her anxiety was an issue, I would agree with you and wouldn’t use such a direct approach. But on this thread, with such avoidant behaviour by the OP and so many posters ignoring or excusing the anxiety, I think such a message would be completely lost to both the OP and other MNetters.