My daughter

[tvsnacking]

I need to know if i am an complete cow..
we live in the middle of nowhere. Not uk. My daughter , 12, going to School 3 km from home. Now she ride a bike to School , but winter is coming.
I am sahm.
We have a possibility to her to drive to and from School in a sort of a taxi , cost nothing. But you only book one Seat and it is booked the Day before.
My daughter Think i should drive her, in case she want friends home with her.
I say, if you know the Day before, i am happy to book 2 seats. But no, they always make plans on the Day, so she Can never have friends home.
The reasons for me to sah is irrelevant - i Think - but i Think my offer for her to go in taxi (or use her bike?) is good enough.
She think I am the worst mother for not driving her.
What do you think?

No cars here . Sometimes a tractor but not many cars. And nobody else in taxi. Ever. Just her.

I could complete appreciate where you were coming from until your last post but saying "you just don't want to" is really not great to hear.

Driving, like anything in life is not for everyone. At 12 your DD should be able to appreciate your position and if driving causes you anxiety and you have tried to address it properly then a little bit of understanding from her is not unreasonable. That isn't what's coming across though. Doing the school run is a thankless task but giving up a small amount of time each day to do it during months when the weather isn't conducive to cycling isn't that much of a burden. Do you drive to do things you want to do or never use the car? I think you are both being unreasonable really.

I need 2 hours respite, to book taxi. She could write me in her lunch break. She just dont want to, because "that is not what they do"

I think it is fine. She is 12 so old enough to forward plan friends coming over. Taxi or bike is fine. If she misses her taxi then I would offer a lift.

I used to walk further than 3km to school. It isn't far. As long as she has a decent coat I wouldn't be driving her.

You dd can not choose how they organise their friendships, children are very much last minute and can not think too much about the future.

I would not let her cycle at all in the winter when it gets dark, she could be seriously injured or killed in the middle of the winter.

If you are so unable to help, why not book two seats in the taxi every night and then she always has the option to bring home a friend. Or maybe the friends are not allowed to travel in the taxi? Have you considered that their parents may think it is unsafe?

I have a 12 year old, and I still try to look after her, and encourage friendships - they are still young, still just a child - I think you are being very mean with your time. Your needs are not more important than hers, she is angry because she feels you don't care about her - I am tempted to agree with her.

I am 48 years Old. I Got my licence 3 years ago - failed 4 times - and only Got it, because of Living here.
I hate driving. Hate it. It take so much head space. My dh say i drive perfectly. But i still hate it, and dread it.
She has offer of a taxi. I need 2 hours to book an extra Seat. Will happily do.
Did i mention she is 12??

Ok, the taxi is not unsafe and parents are all Ok and use it too..

I don't think your daughter is being reasonable - or fair. She has two valid options - three if she walks. She has the option of a taxi ride every single day if she wants one - and she can have two seats booked if needed.

It's not unreasonable for her to plan for her friend to come the next day and give you a bit of notice either. No need for her to be entirely self-absorbed.

You don't like driving, many people don't. You've done it, can do it if you need to but there is no need here as there are other options.

Tell you daughter to choose one - walk, cycle or take a taxi. Those are her options.

Danish winters are mostly ok aren't they? The weather isn't too harsh for most of it, and outdoor clothes tend to be good quality and strong against the elements.
I would say that if she can't be bothered to plan (24 hours ahead is hardly unreasonable!) then they could walk home- 3km is not even half an hour walk.
I don't think yabu at all. She needs to develop her independence now for her own good. If you were in a city in Denmark, I'm pretty sure she'd have been travelling to school by herself for some time by age 12.

Once a week would not hurt you op.

My view may be clouded by the fact that I wasn't allowed to just 'bring friends home', it was planned, in advance. I coped.

I agree she is 12, not 16 and still growing up.

Op I live in Europe, not Uk. There are cultural differences between Uk for 12 years olds getting to and from school and the rest of Europe
Where I am children walk to school without adults from around 6 years. Sometimes younger.
So I think you are not unreasonable. But she may not have kids coming to yours and they will go to other houses. Is that ok for you. Or could she have a set day a week when a friend comes round. That way you can plan

Once a week won't make a difference to the op, her daughter wants her everyday to facilitate spontaneous friends coming home.

My view might be clouded by the fact I often felt like alone at this age, and sometimes scared, sometimes needing my mother. I don't know why - it is a difficult age a hybrid of teen and child.

Personally children need much more support and love generally as they hit their teens not less. Particularly girl friendships at this age can be a nightmare - have you asked her if everything is okay at school?
She may not be able to plan easily if she is finding it hard to make friends and find people to play with. There is more to her upset and anger if you ask her I imagine.

Most children love cycling, so maybe her friends refuse to? Or don't like the taxi...ask her.

At the risk of turning this into the Monty Python Yorkshire sketch I:

a) walked 2 miles to and from school every day, regardless of weather from the age of 11 onwards
b) had to give warning to invite friends over so it was never a 'on the day' thing

Neither harmed me and the walking set up a lifelong love of walking which has kept me fit and healthy as an adult.

You have obviously already decided that you are not going to drive her? I would pick her up at least if she had a friend coming over, if they wanted to decide last minute. I found that it was a nice opportunity to talk to my children when I drove them - they couldn’t go anywhere. During summer 3 km is not too far to cycle though (everyone cycles in Denmark, I think it’s great!). I’m in Sweden and I cycle all year to work.

but i just dont want to. You sound like a petulant teenager yourself. I don't wanna! But it's not fair! But I don't like it! But I did x,y,z! But I don't wanna!

Your daughter has an excuse. She's 12,self absorbed,immature and impulsive.

It doesn't matter what we say, you don't want to so you won't do it. This is all pointless.

your daughter didn't choose the country,the location and everything else .

Please yourself by all means,but then don't moan she's not happy with it. She doesn't have to be.

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a bit of forward planning from her at that age. She's of secondary school age and this is a life lesson for her.

3 of her friends is your neihhbors.
They all stay in the "after School club". She Can too. And her dad can Pick her up at 4 o clock. But she want to go home Right after School. She is welcome. With all her friends . Just give me 2 hours to book the car.
Yes i have made my mind up. Im not doing it.
But i feel like a crap mother. And that is wrong . Even if i am at home. My time is also valuable. She get a taxi. With her friends . Just give me 2 hours to book the car!

It's good to encourage independence. And to teach the responsibility of forward planning.

But I'll can understand your daughter's view. From what you say, you have told her that you won't pick her up because you don't want to. Because you won't overcome your hatred of driving to make life a little easier for her.

She's at an age where she doesn't yet understand that the whole world doesn't revolve around her. #
She'll learn that lesson at some point. But it seems a little selfish not to pick her up because you don't want to.

Do you have other commitments during the day? Other journeys you have to do? Other children to accommodate?

Being a sahm does not mean that the woman should be at the beck and call of her children. I’m sure the OP has plenty of things to do at home and if she wants to carve out a bit of time for herself, then why shouldn’t she? Women sacrifice enough, when they become sahm.

Part of being a parent is preparing your child for the outside world. If she’s old enough to ride a bike to school, then she’s old enough to get a bus/taxi. If the weather is that bad, I’m sure her friends will end up on the same bus/taxi and if it isn’t, then she can walk with her friends.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with using a taxi. I don’t think there is anything wrong with expecting a 12 year old to be able to plan a day ahead.

BUT if it is the cultural norm in your daughter’s peer group to plan on the same day I don’t think it’s particularly fair to think she should be able to change that on her own. I also think allowing your anxiety to get the better of you to your family’s detriment is somewhat poor. I totally understand it’s hard, but anxiety is one of the most manageable mental health conditions. If you aren’t seeking therapy to help you deal with it I think you’re being unreasonable though the bringing friends home bit is only a v. Small part of why.

It sounds like you can force yourself to drive so would some compromise be possible while you try and get counseling to make it easier for you - like agreeing to pick her up from school once or twice a week and she knows she can arrange a friend to come back on those days?

Social lives are important and this is a critical time in kids lives for developing their abilities to make and handle friendships. While children who don’t have the opportunity to ask friends back aren’t in any sense abused, having this opportunity is a benefit to your daughter and facilitating that would be good for her.