My daughter

[tvsnacking]

I need to know if i am an complete cow..
we live in the middle of nowhere. Not uk. My daughter , 12, going to School 3 km from home. Now she ride a bike to School , but winter is coming.
I am sahm.
We have a possibility to her to drive to and from School in a sort of a taxi , cost nothing. But you only book one Seat and it is booked the Day before.
My daughter Think i should drive her, in case she want friends home with her.
I say, if you know the Day before, i am happy to book 2 seats. But no, they always make plans on the Day, so she Can never have friends home.
The reasons for me to sah is irrelevant - i Think - but i Think my offer for her to go in taxi (or use her bike?) is good enough.
She think I am the worst mother for not driving her.
What do you think?

Oh - and she Can stay in after School club, and be picked up by her father at 4. Which she also dont want. Which is also fine.
Not many of her class mates goes to before and after School club. They - oh horror - ride a bike. All year!
She just Got used to me driving her. And her friends.
And during corona when they were home , it occured to me how lovely it was not to keep an eye on the clock .

Compromise. Tell her you'll pick her up on Tuesdays and Thursdays only this year.

@Ariela exactly it's a couple of occasions per week but she can't even be bothered to do that?
How many people's kids honestly plan friend visits? My kids mates are constantly knocking for them to go out, not usually pre planned.
The OP is bone idol and can't be arsed basically. She posted a thread but does not like it when people disagree with her 🙄
I'm sure most normal mums spend time picking up from school, friends houses or other activities.

Wait a minute, the mother thinks it's lovely not to have to keep an eye on the clock so she can write a book and exercise, yet the 12 year old daughter is to plan ahead the booking of taxis and taking friends home from school?

op - you must have a great life! How relaxing it must be not to have to watch the clock! I grew up in The Netherlands and mostly cycled to school, but thats with segregated cycle lanes that you don't really have outside the towns in Denmark, and even I'm a bit shocked at this thread.

I take great pride in making life easier for my dds, they have enough to deal with in life as it is. If there is something I can do that will take the pressure off, and raise a smile I will always do it within reason.

I have a wonderful relationship with my children, and I think it stems from generosity of spirit - they have been raised to know someone is there for them, they are important to us, and we are a helpful family. As a result when I am struggling, I always have a lot of help - everyone pitches in.

Being selfish and saying I don't want to, therefore I am not helping you is a very hard line - with any child regardless of age. It is okay to sometimes be unavailable, but to constantly just say no I won't help you will be remembered for a very long time. When you need help your daughter will be well within her rights to tell you to get stuffed.

I have plenty of time to write my own book which is taking forever, exercise and work - and I am still helpful to my kids. It is entirely possible if you manage your time well.

So I think you are U - very U - because you may live to regret putting everything before them - when you could easily help. You only have to look on MN to see the volume of people that no longer see their parents because they feel let down. Help her, she is your child - it is a lift thats all, such a small ask.

You’re perfectly entitled to say no and take a hard line if that’s how you choose to parent. But don’t be surprised when your DD doesn’t come to you for the big things in life, if such a small detail as a lift home from school so she can have a friend over gets so much drama attached to it she won’t come to you for other things.

I have a 12 year old DD, they don’t plan and even if they do they’re friends don’t. We get asked with an hours notice sometimes for outings and meet ups. It’s not really cause for drama, she’s either free or not and her friends and her know that’s the risk with a last minute ask. I couldn’t sit at home writing or exercising whilst my 12 year old cycled or spent the journey home with a taxi driver, those after school chats in the car are lovely, bonding moments. Independence is of course important but those teenage years are tough (I’ve also got a 21 year old so have been there), I personally wouldn’t make it tougher by taking a hard line on this.

I'd never send my dc in a taxi if I'm at home with access to a car and can drive Why ever not? She's 12, she needs to start learning independence.

I have a wonderful relationship with my children, and I think it stems from generosity of spirit So do I, and I think it comes from being there for the things that matter, and not being taken for granted as a taxi service when a good alternative is available.

I have a great relationship with my parents and they made me walk everywhere. I moaned about it at the time and other parents thought they were mean to never drive us to school but I'm glad now that they didn't drive us, it made me healthier, had more stamina than many of my peers, and developed a lifelong love of walking. Sure, OP's daughter might have a life long resentment for not being driven all the time but she also might not.

I have discussed it today with my sister and 2 friends.
They all Said she is more than capable to plan her friends visits, and the taxi is fine. They all live near public transport, which their children use.

Other parents work, dont have car, dont drive, have disabilities.

The only problem here, is that i am home, i have a car. And i would rather spend my time with other things, than driving.

For eksempel we bake a lot. We spend most evenings watching her movies - Right now all the Harry potter ones, we do a lot. This friday we go to Cinema and watch a film she want to see.

It is just convenient for her that i drive. And unpopular that i am selfish.

But it's a 3km journey. A few minutes

I don’t think your a crap mother OP, but can you compromise and pick her up 2 days a week maybe? Personally I couldn’t do with the faffing and for the sake of 3km I’d just drive her, but then I am a soft touch and don’t have anxiety of driving.

I think you’re a brilliant mother, OP. You’re attentive to your daughter, spend time doing activities her, supporting your poor son in his struggles and very welcoming to her friends. You’re now taking the next step and encouraging her to have more independence. Keep doing what you’re doing and you’ll remain close to your children. Being a SAHM does not mean that aren’t entitled to have some quality time for yourself. You don’t want to back here in a few years, saying you did absolutely everything for your daughter and she’s turned out to be an ungrateful brat. We’ve seen enough examples of that.

Why is there so much emphasis on the daughter becoming independent via getting the taxi home? That’s not really becoming independent, unless she arranged the taxi herself. Well there’s any idea. But anyway, it’s not walking, cycling or taking the bus, it’s getting in a free taxi to home, it’s the school run outsourced, doing exactly what she would with mum minus the conversation with her mum, so not really teaching independence, it entirely benefits the op. I don’t really know him it teaches DD independence, just to be self sufficient because others around her are primarily looking out for themselves.

@tvsnacking

I have discussed it today with my sister and 2 friends. They all Said she is more than capable to plan her friends visits, and the taxi is fine. They all live near public transport, which their children use.

Other parents work, dont have car, dont drive, have disabilities.

The only problem here, is that i am home, i have a car. And i would rather spend my time with other things, than driving.

For eksempel we bake a lot. We spend most evenings watching her movies - Right now all the Harry potter ones, we do a lot. This friday we go to Cinema and watch a film she want to see.

It is just convenient for her that i drive. And unpopular that i am selfish.

Fair enough You’ve made you’re decision If I were you I’d hide the thread and move on

I take great pride in making life easier for my dds, they have enough to deal with in life as it is. If there is something I can do that will take the pressure off, and raise a smile I will always do it within reason

I have a wonderful relationship with my children, and I think it stems from generosity of spirit - they have been raised to know someone is there for them, they are important to us, and we are a helpful family. As a result when I am struggling, I always have a lot of help - everyone pitches in

Absolute ROFL at this condescending, holier-than-thou response! I too have a wonderful relationship with my children, they know they can rely on me, they are important and matter to me.

But you know what? Mine are also independent enough and thoughtful enough to not kick up a stink when I say no I can’t collect them when other options are available. They have their own generosity of spirit towards me and their dad so we don’t have to martyr ourselves to their every want and desire. Maybe this poster could teach her children that helpfulness and thoughtfulness goes two ways and not just from parent to child?

@tvsnacking

I asked you all , because I need arguments for her. She is 12. She can travel 200 km to see friends on her own. Easily. But she can't plan what to do tomorrow/ And whoever asked - she is very popular and is not lacking friends. She just need planning ...

200km to see friends on her OWN????? What the fuck?!?!

Yes - we drive her to train, she get picked up by friends parents in the other end. Her friend does the same. We Pick her up.
I was very wary. But they have done it a few times and it goes Well. She has her phone, a visa card and are in contact the whole Way.

Btw - we but her in the train, it is direct, no change train.

OP I'm, um, surprised you posted about the 200km train ride given how weirdly this thread about a 3km taxi ride has gone.

If you're not on the wind up (and I don't think you are) don't let the jackals pick over your parenting decisions any more. You sound perfectly sensible so just stick to what you think is best.

I think the issue is your daughter trying to control your behaviour with "punishing" you by cancelling the movie night. The world doesn't resolve around them, if it causes you stress and hassle to drive and she knows this then I'm sorry she needs to learn that sometimes the world does not resovle around her, although it might be a nice compromise that sometimes she does get a lift, maybe once or twice a month? I think you are fine with her having to plan ahead, not everything in the world is done on a whim.