My daughter

[tvsnacking]

I need to know if i am an complete cow..
we live in the middle of nowhere. Not uk. My daughter , 12, going to School 3 km from home. Now she ride a bike to School , but winter is coming.
I am sahm.
We have a possibility to her to drive to and from School in a sort of a taxi , cost nothing. But you only book one Seat and it is booked the Day before.
My daughter Think i should drive her, in case she want friends home with her.
I say, if you know the Day before, i am happy to book 2 seats. But no, they always make plans on the Day, so she Can never have friends home.
The reasons for me to sah is irrelevant - i Think - but i Think my offer for her to go in taxi (or use her bike?) is good enough.
She think I am the worst mother for not driving her.
What do you think?

But it’s not school transport, it’s a taxi that she has said only her daughter uses. How is that more environmentally sound than her mum taking her???

Also, taking your 12yr old to/from school is not faux-parenting at all - how strange to think that. Also very sad that you think it is worthless.

My children are independent and use public transport to get to school and uni but if we lived out in the sticks and I didn’t work then I wouldn’t be sending them to school in a taxi while I ‘exercised’.

Where are these ‘classes in adulting’ you speak of and what do they entail?

It is very sad about your son op, and you must be extremely worried about him. I have teens and it is a tough time, so we have to look after ourselves.

Given your son's very serious problems, could the lift/taxi thing be a cry for attention? You say you are there for her, and maybe you are making sure she is fed/clothed etc but are you spending time with just her?
When we have mentally unwell children they absorb so much time, energy and love because it takes so much to organise help for them, time to talk to them, sort out medication, professional help - it must be taking up so much time. Maybe you simply don't have the emotional energy and capacity to also sit with your dd and do the same thing?

Your dd is going to soon be a teenager herself, and believe me when I say this (I have two teen dds) you have to learn the art of compromise now!! Not in five years. Compromise is the way forward, calm discussion about, because if you think she is being unreasonable now you may have a shock in three years!!

Ask her to outline her reasons for a life, promote calm explanation, reward her for being smart and clever rather than angry and furious. If you start now by setting the tone for clear, rational debate you will have an easier time when she is older and you are running into far bigger issues than the taxi or car.

Set the tone now. Be clear. Yes you have boundaries, but respect her boundaries as well.

Best of luck with your boy

**lift not life!! I am using stupid iphone!!!

But it’s not school transport, it’s a taxi that she has said only her daughter uses. How is that more environmentally sound than her mum taking her

Actually she hasn’t said any of that. It is ‘like a taxi’ and she had alluded to picking up other kids on the same route.

"It is a taxi. But sort of a "personale bus" so you book a Seat."

Is what Op has said.

So maybe like a minibus?

If it was a taxi (as we know it), why would Op be booking seats?

As many kids as could fit with could get in with her daughter!

tvsnacking

No cars here . Sometimes a tractor grin but not many cars. And nobody else in taxi. Ever. Just her.

Erm, she has! Just her in the taxi!

Sorry, the above was in response to RainingBatsandFrogs.

Despite what some people seem to think, the role of a SAHM is not to sacrifice your entire being to your children's every whim simply because you are not in paid employment. As it is the OP wants to spend her time in self improvement (reading and writing) but if she wanted to spend it eating jammy dodgers and wanking the situation would be the same: a) she is entitled to refuse something because she wants to, where there is a clear alternative and b) the child is much better served by being a bit more independent.

Obviously the child is perfectly normal to WANT a lift from school but we can't all have what we want, can we? We are best served by knowing this early on.

I don't think the OP is being unreasonable. She's said the daughter can have friends as long as she has some notice. She's happy yo arrange a seat on the taxi/minibus for the friend. The child is 12, that's surely old enough to learn how to plan???

@Spidey66

I don't think the OP is being unreasonable. She's said the daughter can have friends as long as she has some notice. She's happy yo arrange a seat on the taxi/minibus for the friend. The child is 12, that's surely old enough to learn how to plan???

My children had to plan playdates when they were at primary.

Didn't mind them having friends round, but I preferred at least a day's notice.

i think running after children constantly is babyfying them.
they become passive recipients of services and actions.
they do not learn self-reliance, decision-making, planning.
it seems a non sequitur that just because the girl wants her mother to drive her, the mother should do so.
diamonds are a girl's best friend but i can't go grab some from hatton garden.
it is very noticeable to first employers and college tutors, the youngsters who have been pampered and are helpless in everyday life. they may have a string of certificates but no common sense, get up and go, or communication skills.
their world has totally revolved around them and their activities. they treat their parents like servants, and expect all other adults to fall into the same service roles.
they are riding for a fall.
OP you are fine as you are. carry on. good luck.

I wouldn't argue with her or have a list of answers why you can't/won't drive her. She's 12, tell her it's the taxi or she can walk, there will be no mammy pick ups. She'll just have to learn to pre plan with her friends.

I can't believe what I'm reading

I'm not driving her I want to write a book????

What are you on about?

As mums driving our kids round is normal and so why is his so unreasonable of her??

If your anxiety is affecting you I'd go to see your doctor as staying in not going out will make it worse and to have the journey every day is getting you out the house

I'm quite shocked reading some of these comments. I'm a sahm. Most days my kids get the tube to school, unless they have cricket bags which are heavy to haul up and down the steps at the station or it's torrential rain.

Why don't I drop them everyday because I could do? It's good for them to have a walk in the fresh air from station to school, it teaches them independence, it's environmentally friendly and alleviates the current congestion in the school car park and, most of all, it can save me about 2 hours a day. They also enjoy chatting to school friends.

My kids get plenty of chauffeuring around to sports commitments that need one of us to drive, but optional school runs aren't in this category for me. And yes, I still have plenty of time to chat to the kids at other points in the day.

Both kids started to catch the train on their own from 11 onwards. As I did when I was their age.

I'm not driving her I want to write a book????

What are you on about?

What don't you understand about that? Can't you conceive of somebody wanting to do something you evidently don't?

@alexdgr8

i think running after children constantly is babyfying them. they become passive recipients of services and actions. they do not learn self-reliance, decision-making, planning. it seems a non sequitur that just because the girl wants her mother to drive her, the mother should do so. diamonds are a girl's best friend but i can't go grab some from hatton garden. it is very noticeable to first employers and college tutors, the youngsters who have been pampered and are helpless in everyday life. they may have a string of certificates but no common sense, get up and go, or communication skills. their world has totally revolved around them and their activities. they treat their parents like servants, and expect all other adults to fall into the same service roles. they are riding for a fall. OP you are fine as you are. carry on. good luck.

Driving a 12yo child to a rural school and back each trip being ten minutes or less is not “babyfying” them. It’s being a responsible parent. If the DC were 16 or in a big city with easy to use public transport, I’d agree with you. But not in the wilds of Denmark and their winters.

And your predictions are entirely false. I have two independent adult DCs in the twenties. Degreed, full time jobs, etc. And my 18yo who just left is studying in another country, in self catered accommodation.

Prioritising your child for a bare TWENTY MINUTES a day is not too much to ask. Exercise and book writing can be done around the school run. Refusing to do it in my opinion is a message to the child that they aren’t even worth two ten minute chunks out of the day to give them a lift to school or home- something the child has to do whether they want to or not.

She's being asked to give 2hrs notice not 2 weeks for goodness sake. Your reasons for not picking her up are irrelevant imo, it would still be reasonable to want to know if another person was coming to your house with a couple of hours notice.

YANBU.

@PlanDeRaccordement like any other normal mother would. We live the same distance from our school. I take mine every day when it's bad weather. We have limited public transport too. It's called being a decent parent, not babyfying them. Oh and like most other mums I know, I work and manage to exercise too. Not sit on my lazy arse all day writing a book or because I need me time. Any normal mother knows you don't get 6+ hours of me time everyday when you become a parent.
It'd be different if the OP wasn't around but she is. The child is being accused of being spoilt and demanding. I can't for the life of me think where she gets that from 🤔

Many people sit in their arse in an office all day. Just because you don't see it as valid doesn't mean it's lazy. How the fuck do you think books get written?

If it were a question of the child walking miles in the snow then maybe yeah picking her up would be the only right thing to do. But there is a FREE alternative lift. Taking advantage of free alternative lift rather than disrupt what you are doing every day is not being a bad or abnormal mother. Jesus Christ.

Taking your child in the car to school and back every day is not prioritising them because its not good for health and its not good for the environment (so damaging their future). DD's school discourages parents from driving their children, explaining that the walk/cycle to and from school is part of their daily exercise needs.

@supersonicginandtonic the OPs daughter is still being taken to school. Why does it have to be OP? She has an alternative that means her daughter can be driven to school in bad weather.

She's not being forced to walk 10 miles in an Antarctic winter FFS.

Some of you acting like getting your child to walk 3km or take an alternative lift is akin to child abuse. It's embarrassing.

I'm baffled as to what the daughter is doing wrong here tbh.

I think sobe of the comments are a bit harsh on a 12 year old and hope it doesnt store up future problems for her by Mali g her feel like a nuisance/low priority.

Why does "writing a book" prevent someone from continuing to drive their child to school?

As its rural Denmark, I'd assume there, are no pavements at the side of the road for much of the journey, and not necessarily a group of friends to walk with.

What on earth is actually wrong with a 12 year old wanting to be sociable and spontaneously invite friends home and why should it cause so much angst?

3km isn't far, I walked further than that daily, my mother wouldn't pay for the bus. You only get free transport over 3 miles here!

@supersonicginandtonic
Exactly. The DD is only 12yo. There is no school or public transportation. We are only talking about winter time in Denmark where the average temperature is -2C and it snows every third day. It’s not the UK where the average temperature is much warmer and it snows maybe once every ten years.

We may not be talking about a child walking “miles in an Antarctic winter” but we ARE talking about a child walking miles in an Arctic winter.

My DH and I always worked full time, we’d never have told our DCs at age 12 that it’s up to them to get to and from school 3km away every day in such a rural and cold location! We managed it, so a SAHM who has more control over her schedule is is literally a 5 minute drive away can certainly take the time out of her busy day to get her child to/from school. School and ones child’s education should be a priority. One that you work around for exercise and book writing.

We are talking about a 12yr old walking for almost 2 miles along rural roads during a Denmark winter. Like this picture which is on a nice winter day in Denmark. But the day could be windy, with snow obscuring vision too...