My daughter

[tvsnacking]

I need to know if i am an complete cow..
we live in the middle of nowhere. Not uk. My daughter , 12, going to School 3 km from home. Now she ride a bike to School , but winter is coming.
I am sahm.
We have a possibility to her to drive to and from School in a sort of a taxi , cost nothing. But you only book one Seat and it is booked the Day before.
My daughter Think i should drive her, in case she want friends home with her.
I say, if you know the Day before, i am happy to book 2 seats. But no, they always make plans on the Day, so she Can never have friends home.
The reasons for me to sah is irrelevant - i Think - but i Think my offer for her to go in taxi (or use her bike?) is good enough.
She think I am the worst mother for not driving her.
What do you think?

Why are my reasons important? I dont Think they are? The question is if a 12 year Old Can ride a bike or take a taxi
But Ok. I have a suicidal 17 year Old here , self harming, abusing, waiting for treatment - 2 weeks from now.
I have cows, chiken, builders - barn - demented mother and stuff. But it does not matter.
The point is - is it Ok for a 12 year Old to ride a bike, walk, get a taxi or wait for dad, to get home?
Yes i have huge enxiety - but it is beside the point !

There's free transport but she wants to put another vehicle on the road in case she wants to bring a friend home but can't be bothered to arrange it for another day?

Dear Lord I really have heard it all now.

@QueSera

You've been driving her for 4 years, so you can obviously keep doing so. You want to write a book or exercise but you can do that the whole rest of the day while she's at school. I really don't understand your reasons.

So you haven't read the thread then

Dd wants a lift on the off chance she want to bring a friend home that day.

Op said if you want to bring a friend home you have to let me know the day before so I can arrange transport

Dd said no that's not good enough, I want to decide on the day, so you should drive me every day in case

Hopefully thats easier to follow for you (or if I have it wrong, I'm an idiot and can't follow a thread? Its possible I have completely the wrong idea!!)

Personally I don't think I'd have been allowed to just bring a friend home if it wasn't pre planned, so no I don't think you are being unreasonable! It's good for children to learn the world doesn't revolve around them and also good life skills to learn to pre plan / organise herself. She has several safe and valid options so I don't think you are being mean x

I think the issue here is that you've been driving her up to now. So presumably you've turned around and said you're not doing it any longer because it doesn't suit you and you want to write or exercise or whatever. But you could do that while she's at school. So I can see why she'd be miffed. Although all the having friends over stuff is nonsense.

Yanbu. The taxi is a good option.

Maybe a lift home once a week might be a good compromise if you can manage it? I also have anxiety around driving and I totally understand that it's not as easy to just sort out as some people seem to think it is.

@MidnightCitrus

I am aware of all that, but thanks for a very patronising summary. I am entitled to an opinion, OP asked people for their opinions.

And yes. I spend all the time she want with me. I am here. The last Month we Saw all the Harry potter movies - she got the hoodie- now on to another 4 movies (German, "stormy" - love it) always ready with muffins , games, Reading. offer for walk, all her friends so welcome. She has a kitten, a dog, trampoline , pool (not now ) all she want . I am here.
Just dont Think i should drive her.

I think you should pick her up so that you benefit from the regular driving. You’ll only be more anxious when you do drive, if you avoid it and drive infrequently.

You have valid reasons, but things like you want to exercise to write a book are not among them and don’t help your cause.

How long is there walk just from your house to school in minutes? You sound like you need a clear plan. Let her know to communicate in advance.

She is only 12 and dark nights... if anything happened OP it would be your responsibility.

If this is really about your anxiety over driving stick with the taxi but tell her you will pick her up once a week, because If you never drive it will become even harder with time and there may be an occasion / emergency when you really will need to drive and if you haven't driven for weeks it will be even worse for you.

I agree OP
YANBU. But I am from the school of hard knocks. 12 is old enough to plan ahead and start to take personal responsibility for things like your social life. You should stick to your guns, you are the parent, you have decided. If she can accept that graciously, you can offer a bonus /compromise. Don’t let her dictate to you.

YANBU. 12 is perfectly old enough to plan ahead and to travel to and from school independently of you. I can’t believe all the posters on here saying they would drive their precious daughter. No wonder the environment is in the state it’s in with so many unnecessary cars on the roads.

My DD got the bus from the age of 11, and if she wanted a friend home the friend would also get the bus. It’s not that difficult! I work from home so I could drive her. But I don’t.

@Holiday21plea

How long is there walk just from your house to school in minutes? You sound like you need a clear plan. Let her know to communicate in advance.

She is only 12 and dark nights... if anything happened OP it would be your responsibility.

No it wouldn’t be her responsibility and that’s a disgusting thing to say. If a child is harmed, it’s due to the actions of the person who has harmed her!

She needs to understand that there are other people and considerations in the world and she cant make arrangements on the day. Having to plan the day before isnt a huge deal - go with the taxi option

She sounds like a spoilt brat. She would be told if she doesnt stop with her demands and either walk, cycle or gone advance notice for the taxi. Then no one will be coming round full stop. Children these days are so overly pandered to. Dont give in.

You are not a crap mother! She is 12 and like it or not she should do what you say...as in cycle, walk or take the taxi and decide beforehand if a friend is coming or not! My parents never really drove me anywhere, there were options such as bus, you don't need to pander to her at 12, you are right to stop, for her as much as you, yes she may "hate" you for this but she will get use to the new arrangements and one day maybe she'll be glad you helped her stand on her own two feet! Write your book!

Your daughters attitude also makes me think it may be a reflection on the culture of everything being instantly available on tap.

It is 2 oclock. Every Day . And even in Denmark - it is never Dark at 2 oclock!

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. But she's kicking off because it's less convenient and you just have to grit your teeth through it. I'd be very very clear it's about your not wanting to because you have other things to that you want to do as well. She needs to know you don't exist for her every convenience.

YANBU.

My year 6 dd asked the other day how she would get to school when she is in year 7 and goes to the local secondary when it's raining - my answer - the same way you will when it's not raining - bike, walk, scoot. It's about 3km, some kids live a bit further and the school is clear that if they are physically able, they should be walking / biking or scooting. And the roads around the school are no stopping and you need permission to drive into the school grounds at school drop off and pick up time (which is if your child has SEN or other physical need which means they cannot get themselves home).

12 is plenty old enough to go 3km to and from school independently, and plenty old enough to understand the need to plan more than 10 minutes in advance if you want to have friends over and need a lift.

Your needs are not more important than hers, she is angry because she feels you don't care about her - I am tempted to agree with her.

Most 12 years olds should be able to understand that asking for a bit of notice when you're bringing people home doesn't mean you aren't being looked after or that your parent doesn't care if it's not possible. OP has even said a text at lunchtime is ok and she can book a mate a seat.

Also, dds school at that age made it very clear they expect the students to be responsible for organising themselves and y6 started preparing for them to organise their time a bit more. They're still growing up yes, but they should be perfectly capable of letting a parent know by lunchtime that they're bringing friends home with them.

To be honest, at that age none of dds friends just sprung it on either of their parents that they either weren't going home or that they were bringing extra people home. The dds friend must be springing that on her parents last minute too.

I can see this from both sides, I think if you’re available you should pick her up, however she isn’t going to melt in the rain I use to walk 3 miles too and from school rain/snow/shine I didn’t have a choice my parents worked full time & I did this from about 10 but I did walk with friends, I might think differently if she’s walking alone.

Some of the replies on here are the usual Mumsnet, twilight zone stuff to me!

Yes of course it’s completely fine and normal for your secondary school age child to make their own way to school. You facilitating a rural taxi is very reasonable and does not make you lazy or a bad mother. You’ve even offered to book two seats if she wants to have friends round. If she doesn’t want to plan in advance, they can walk!

No, being a SAHM doesn’t mean you should go along with every single thing your child wants from you just because ‘you can’.

Yes it is important for preteens to start learning to be independent. That’s not an excuse to be lazy, it’s just simply true. It also doesn’t mean you’re trying to avoid spending time with her either, Jesus wept!

Putting aside whether you should drive or not, if my dc want friends home they have to organise it in advance. If they ask on the day, its a no. As a pp said, she can either plan in advance to have someone home, or you can have a set day weekly, monthly whatever. The taxi thing sounds great, wish we had something like that.