My daughter

[tvsnacking]

I need to know if i am an complete cow..
we live in the middle of nowhere. Not uk. My daughter , 12, going to School 3 km from home. Now she ride a bike to School , but winter is coming.
I am sahm.
We have a possibility to her to drive to and from School in a sort of a taxi , cost nothing. But you only book one Seat and it is booked the Day before.
My daughter Think i should drive her, in case she want friends home with her.
I say, if you know the Day before, i am happy to book 2 seats. But no, they always make plans on the Day, so she Can never have friends home.
The reasons for me to sah is irrelevant - i Think - but i Think my offer for her to go in taxi (or use her bike?) is good enough.
She think I am the worst mother for not driving her.
What do you think?

@tvsnacking

3 of her friends is your neihhbors. They all stay in the "after School club". She Can too. And her dad can Pick her up at 4 o clock. But she want to go home Right after School. She is welcome. With all her friends . Just give me 2 hours to book the car. Yes i have made my mind up. Im not doing it. But i feel like a crap mother. And that is wrong . Even if i am at home. My time is also valuable. She get a taxi. With her friends . Just give me 2 hours to book the car!

You’re not a crap mother, but she sounds as if she’s acting a little spoiled. She needs to learn that you’re not ‘just a mother’, but a person whose feelings and time also needs to be taken into consideration. BTW, are there no Covid rules in your country, regarding private car sharing?

I think that is fine! Tell her to get a taxi.

My dd1 got a bus and a train to school at that age.

@DeliciouslyFemale

Being a sahm does not mean that the woman should be at the beck and call of her children. I’m sure the OP has plenty of things to do at home and if she wants to carve out a bit of time for herself, then why shouldn’t she? Women sacrifice enough, when they become sahm.

Part of being a parent is preparing your child for the outside world. If she’s old enough to ride a bike to school, then she’s old enough to get a bus/taxi. If the weather is that bad, I’m sure her friends will end up on the same bus/taxi and if it isn’t, then she can walk with her friends.

If you're children are at school and you're a sahm...you have all day to yourself. Chaufferuring your child is in the job description. What you're basically arguing is that the sahm in this case should have never ending free time.

This is nuts. It's 3km. They can walk. We live in a moderate climate.

We use mask in cars. And yes i have shit to do. Cows, chickens, a farm (did I mention I write a book and need exercise? I am 30 kg overweight)
I have a 17 year old son with severe mental health issues. Several suicide attempts.
I did not mention this - and more - because that is not the point.
The point is , can a 12 year old take a taxi or ride a bike home or does she need me to drive her? And yes I made up my mind.

If your mind was made up from the start I do not understand why you bothered posting about this at all?

You could exercise yourself by talking the walk with her, or cycling if you have a bike. I think it would be about a mile and a half in miles. Otherwise make it plain that she has to get a taxi in very bad weather, and with no messing about, and getting huffy about things. And she needs to improve her manners.

Driving the children around is part of living rurally.
I have anxiety while driving but if I want my dc to have any kind of social life I have to drive. (I also have to drive to work to make money).

You have said that the taxi doesn't cost much so why not book two days a week. She uses those days or doesn't have friends over.

11yo DD walks 2.5km each way every day. I'm really not seeing the problem here. Let them walk, and let them plan a few hours ahead. DD sometimes spontaneously hangs out after school, but it never needs to involve me - I think she likes it that way.

I asked you all , because I need arguments for her. She is 12. She can travel 200 km to see friends on her own. Easily.
But she can't plan what to do tomorrow/
And whoever asked - she is very popular and is not lacking friends. She just need planning ...

The point is why you are letting your mental health issues make your family life more expensive and less flexible than it could be. IF you are too busy, that’s one thing, if you are too anxious to drive a car and are using everything else as an excuse to not acknowledge that, that’s another and they lead to very different answers to the question you posed about whether you’re a good mother or not.

Parents with mental health problems that they don’t tackle are a red flag for difficult childhoods and poorer outcomes for their children.

Some of these replies are ridiculous. I would get her to take the taxi too.

I wouldn’t feel like a ‘crap mother’ either. I do lots for my kids but I don’t do everything they want. Sometimes I do what I want. They still like me. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I don’t get what the point of posting is if you’re so sure you’re right. Yes, it’s a bit shit to say you’ll never drive her because you just don’t want her. You don’t have to drive her every day but saying she can’t have any impromptu social plans because you can’t be arsed is a bit crap actually, yes. Living rurally is your choice so you need to accommodate all aspects of the life that comes with that.

At 12 she is old enough to make a decision when asked, and if she can’t prioritise, then it’s her own fault if she misses out, you have given her enough chances to have friends round. You don’t have to be there at her beck and call.

I agree with the majority here op - your dd is old enough to walk, cycle or plan ahead.

And no, if you don't want to drive because it makes you anxious, that is plenty good enough reason. Your dd and friend are safer in the taxi with a confident driver.

If you're children are at school and you're a sahm...you have all day to yourself. Chaufferuring your child is in the job description. What you're basically arguing is that the sahm in this case should have never ending free time.

What a lovely life you must have, being at home all day with fuck all else to do, but chauffeur. How do you manage to fill your time? Not everyone spends their time at home doing fuck all, you know.

I can’t believe so many people think 12 is too young to make your own way back from school. I thought it was normal for lots of kids to do this once you start secondary school.

I don’t think it would hurt to pick your DD up every now and then, but I also don’t think it would be unreasonable for her to send you a quick text to ask you to book an extra taxi seat if you only need to give 2 hours notice.

I think a bit of give and take is needed here in both sides.

My DDs have cycled to school all through winter. It's about same distance. I don't drive them unless they have big art project or something. I think your offer is reasonable. They could always walk if they wanted a last minute arrangement.

That's the problem with taking someone else's judgment as gospel DEliciouslyFemale! The OP said she has loads of shit to do.

Regardless of your reasons OP, I think your DD has plenty of different options to get home/have friends over, etc. Sounds fine to me!

YANBU she has options, I don't think you should feel bad!

If 3km from a high school is "middle of nowhere" in Denmark then I assume you are in relatively rural Denmark in which case walking 3km is no big deal for a 12 year old and probably quite safe.

@tvsnacking

I asked you all , because I need arguments for her. She is 12. She can travel 200 km to see friends on her own. Easily. But she can't plan what to do tomorrow/ And whoever asked - she is very popular and is not lacking friends. She just need planning ...

You're a 46 yo woman and you need online help to argue with your 12 yo daughter?

Tell her what you told us. You don't want to. At least own it. Don't hide behind independence or responsibility or whatever other cop outs you might get from this thread.

I think you sound a bit spoilt to be honest. How long would it take you to drive there really, 20 minutes out of your busy schedule of exercise an writing a book? Meanwhile, she’s 12, she’s got no choice where she lives. I feel sorry for her that her mother is too self absorbed to take 20 minutes out her day to pick up her child. That is not being a SAHM just a SAH.

@Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov

Once a week won't make a difference to the op, her daughter wants her everyday to facilitate spontaneous friends coming home.

This with bells on

But you only book one Seat and it is booked the Day before.
My daughter Think i should drive her, in case she want friends home with her.
I say, if you know the Day before, i am happy to book 2 seats. But no, they always make plans on the Day, so she Can never have friends home.

Op is not saying she wont drive dd, she's saying dd needs to plan by the day before, so she can arrange it

@gospelsinger

My DDs have cycled to school all through winter. It's about same distance. I don't drive them unless they have big art project or something. I think your offer is reasonable. They could always walk if they wanted a last minute arrangement.

Are you in Denmark? U.K. has very mild winters compared to Denmark.