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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my ex to take his daughter to her sport club on his weekend?

153 replies

dippypanda · 05/10/2020 11:50

As per title? My daughter has found the one sport she loves doing and wants to go the sport club each weekend. I take her on my weekends and I've asked him to take her on his (every other weekend).

His response, "they will try their best to get her there as often as possible, but if other stuff comes up we'll skip that week, which he thinks is fair enough"

Is it though? Surely they could prioritise her for a few hours on a sat / sun morning? I do this (and much more)

Or am I expecting too much?

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 05/10/2020 11:52

Or YABU - as he didn't agree to her doing something else on his weekend.

Sometimes parenting is different... sounds like his is!

How old is she? Will she resent this?

cherrybakewelllll · 05/10/2020 11:52

As someone who has had this battle with my ExH for 5 years, I certainly don't think it's unreasonable for him to accommodate his child's life.

Sirzy · 05/10/2020 11:54

I can see both sides to this, if he only sees her every other weekend then depending on the time of the class they could lose a whole day to do something together.

Is there no alternative time for the class?

seayork2020 · 05/10/2020 11:57

My son does scouts, even though I am married he has been told we will try our best but we cannot guarantee he can go every single week.

Same as we dont get to do every single thing we want to do as an adult

averythinline · 05/10/2020 11:58

I think you should let him try....just reply DD is very keen, so will be disappointed if misses.. .but gfsts all you can do....

As a matter if courtesy I would advise the sports club...most will be used to kids with divorced parents..

Its great that your DD has found something she wants to do....but you can't make him do anything on his time with her....

Is there anywhere that has it on during the week??

Or if he doesn't take her could you and drop her off after?? Puts all the responsibility on you but would save it as an option.....

Nottherealslimshady · 05/10/2020 11:58

It's not really about what he wants to do though is it. The access weekend is for her to see her dad, not the other way around and should be about what she wants to do. If she wants to go see grandma instead then fine, but if he chooses not to let her do the sports club she wants to commit to then he may find her choosing not to go his so she can go to sports club instead.

ComicePear · 05/10/2020 11:59

I think this is a fairly common parenting disagreement even when the parents are not separated. Some parents prioritise clubs and activities more than others.

FWIW I'm with you, OP, but I don't think he is 'wrong' exactly, he just has a different opinion.

heidiwine · 05/10/2020 12:00

Nothing wrong with his response. Surely it’s the same as yours - you’ll try to get her there as often as possible but sometimes there will be clashes in which case she won’t be able to make it.

Isn’t that just family life? Him saying no is unreasonable. Him saying not often is unreasonable. Him saying he’ll try his best is reasonable. I know this isn’t popular but if it’s really really important to you that your daughter never misses a class maybe you could both arrange to cover the other when the inevitable things come up...

StormzyInaDCup · 05/10/2020 12:01

I was with you op. Until I read @CuriousaboutSamphires reply. They're right, it should have been a joint decision in the first place.

You can't make plans for his weekend. He's accommodating the plans you've made without him, the best he can by the sounds of it.

unmarkedbythat · 05/10/2020 12:01

Depends what the 'other stuff' is, what 'as often as possible' means to him, how your dd feels about it, etc. One of mine is in a football team; I'm not going to prioritise his Saturday games over a medical emergency or something, but I'm not going to drop it every time something I'd prefer to do comes up. It would let the other kids down for one thing, and for another teaches him both that a commitment can be dropped willy nilly and that his choices aren't very important.

Georgieporgie29 · 05/10/2020 12:02

Hmmm I think if it’s something that the child has chosen to do then he should really try and get them there. However, if there are odd weeks where they want to do some else - go away for example, then I could understand them wanting to miss it.
Did you discuss with him before signing up to the activity?
I suppose it also depends what activity it is. Team sports for example or something where they will fall behind if they miss too many sessions could be tricky.

Womencanlift · 05/10/2020 12:03

I would check the T&Cs of the club as there may be a risk that your DD will lose her place if she regularly misses classes particularly if it’s popular

bethany39 · 05/10/2020 12:03

I think his response is pretty reasonable given you have committed him to taking her to a sports club without prior discussion.

SonEtLumiere · 05/10/2020 12:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
dippypanda · 05/10/2020 12:05

@CuriousaboutSamphire

Or YABU - as he didn't agree to her doing something else on his weekend.

Sometimes parenting is different... sounds like his is!

How old is she? Will she resent this?

She's 9.

I do see your point, however she has been doing this for a while now (only on my weekends) and she's been asked to go to a more advanced class, hence why I've asked him to extend a little more effort.

OP posts:
seayork2020 · 05/10/2020 12:05

Op how would you feel if he came to you with 'our child wants to do x so we signed her up, you have to take her, here are the details'

Pickagoddamnname · 05/10/2020 12:06

I agree with @CuriousaboutSamphire too. It should have been discussed before signing your dd up to something.
I’m married and we discuss extra activities before committing because it’s both our responsibility to take them. My children do activities on a weekend but we might miss the odd one if we want a day out or something. I understand that might be difficult with a team sport but if he has did eow that leaves only 2 days free for days out etc so I don’t think it’s unreasonable if he misses the odd session if the weather is nice or something else is on

Original poster
dippypanda · 05/10/2020 12:09

I appreciate everyone's responses, sorry should have made more clear that she has been doing this for around 4 years already on my weekends, however has been asked to attend a more advance class.

Hence why I've asked him - haven't "told" him to.

I guess I'm naive and would have thought he would have made more effort.....

OP posts:
Original poster
dippypanda · 05/10/2020 12:10

@seayork2020

Op how would you feel if he came to you with 'our child wants to do x so we signed her up, you have to take her, here are the details'
I would actually be amazed if he did and would be happy that he had thought of her for a change......
OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 05/10/2020 12:11

Nine! And wanting to move up to more advanced clsses? She will resent him!

All you can do is warn him that she is very keen and may not be all that accepting of his occasional decision not to take her. Then let him deal with it. Unless you can come up with a solution that would work better for him!

seayork2020 · 05/10/2020 12:11

If she had been doing it for 4 years surely he would know all about it from her?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 05/10/2020 12:13

Is it both weekend days?

If he cannot facilitate it, could the weekend arrangement swap? So if it's Saturday am, could you drop her and he collect her fromthe class itself?

rookiemere · 05/10/2020 12:15

YANBU but I've noticed DH has a fairly relaxed attitude about DS attending his weekend rugby practice. Massive generalisation but I suspect DMs will put their DCs plans first whereas DFs are less likely to - overlay that with all the usual ructions caused by two sets of families, and it's going to lead to angst.

Could you offer to take DD on the weekends that he won't can't? May help him to appreciate how important this is to DD.

NoSquirrels · 05/10/2020 12:15

There’s not a mid-week class she could swap into? Save the (potential) disagreement?

KylieKoKo · 05/10/2020 12:18

We always make sure that DSDs don't miss out on activities and social things they have planned when they are with us. However I don't think their mum would unilaterally sign them up for something which impacted a chunk of contact time without discussion.

I don't think he was saying no, I think he was just pointing out that occasionally they might not be able to take her.

He only gets to see her every other weekend. If, for example he wanted to take her to see grandparents/cousins on his side of the family then I don't think skipping one would be unreasonable.