To ask my ex to take his daughter to her sport club on his weekend?

[dippypanda]

As per title? My daughter has found the one sport she loves doing and wants to go the sport club each weekend. I take her on my weekends and I've asked him to take her on his (every other weekend).

His response, "they will try their best to get her there as often as possible, but if other stuff comes up we'll skip that week, which he thinks is fair enough"

Is it though? Surely they could prioritise her for a few hours on a sat / sun morning? I do this (and much more)

Or am I expecting too much?

Totally agree oliver, for me it was more that he didn't have any interest in any of DS's hobbies. Sport isn't my cup of tea, but nothing prouder than watching DS doing the thing he really enjoys

The funny thing is ex separated from his wife a few years ago, they had children together, and ex has not hold back on telling me how much he loves to take his other DS to his football training . It's like a kick in the teeth really ( and I've told him that!)

He's said he'll take her as often as they can so where's the drama?

Because what he says and what he actually does might be two different things.

@dippypanda

I appreciate everyone's responses, sorry should have made more clear that she has been doing this for around 4 years already on my weekends, however has been asked to attend a more advance class.

Hence why I've asked him - haven't "told" him to.

I guess I'm naive and would have thought he would have made more effort.....

I disagree that this isn't him being willing to make enough effort. You opted to start this hobby with your then 5yo on your weekends. That's fine. Great she enjoys it. He presumably only gets eow. Committing to a club when he gets say 48 hours contact a fortnight would undoubtedly impact on their quality time and the activities that they can participate in. It totally restricts them. He hasn't said no. He's said as and when he can facilitate. Are there any of the advanced clubs run elsewhere in the evenings?

The different opinions on this thread show just how difficult it is when expectations vary between two households. In our case, DH’s DS was with us every other weekend for years. DH’s mindset was always that we would take him to as many of his extra-curricular activities/parties as we could on the weekend we had him- unless for very, very good reason- this included illness, a special family celebration (weddings/christenings etc) or a family weekend away (rare).

Over the years, DSS would also miss the odd practice etc during the time with his mum, again for very genuine reasons. The difference was though, that on the rare occasions he didn’t go to something he had on during his weekends with us, DH was told how disappointing this was and how DS was very upset not to be going etc which was a huge shame as it always put a dampener on whatever special thing we had arranged for that time. We have a DC together now too, and have exactly the same outlook with regards to their activities at weekends- we do what we can, except for times when we have something really important on.

OP I really hope you manage to sort this out for your DD with your ex and that a balance can be struck .

@KatherineJaneway

He's said he'll take her as often as they can so where's the drama?

Because what he says and what he actually does might be two different things.

They might be, but they might not be.

Given he only has the child EOW then not saying an outright "no" to the OP organising something on his weekends shows he's actually got an interest in his daughter.

Committing to a club when he gets say 48 hours contact a fortnight would undoubtedly impact on their quality time and the activities that they can participate in. It totally restricts them

From the posters on here and friends dd’s experience then a child refusing to go round to their fathers and have anything to do with him because they missed out in their dream or just stopped them doing something they enjoyed. Certainly restricts the fathers time with their children

Problem is a decent number of activities require a regular commitment eventually. Especially group music and team sports.

I did very few activities growing up until I was eventually allowed to stop doing contact EOW at least partially because of this. Certainly didn't help my attitude to contact!

We had this. It's not just as simple as the child 'has the right' ... what about the child's siblings and their right not to have to spend their 2 days a fortnight in a car for hours and hanging around a tennis court for 3 hours every Saturday ? OR not spend time with their father ?

Our situation was a 'set up' by very controlling ex wife who used 'her' children as a weapon against DH. Basically she always knew best..

Signed 7 yr old up for tennis. 14 miles North of her home. We lived 22 miles south of her. No discussion just demanded that it was necessary as ex had self diagnosed child as having dyspraxia. (She hasn't). This new arrangement meant DH driving 44 miles on a Friday evening (2 hrs round trip through heavy traffic ) to pick up a 7, 9 , 10 and 12 year old. Bring them to ours. Then at 7 the next morning put them back in the car and drive 72 mile round trip to the tennis academy. Then hang around for changing, coaching, changing .. with three bored kids who neither we nor ex could afford to put in for the same sport (nor were they interested) ..

Completely screwed up our family time as myself and my kids - their step siblings literally got Saturday afternoon and Sunday until 5 as a family. Completely ruined any plans we had as a family. All for one child's club.

As a family we were all very keen campers and would go away practically every weekend we had his kids. We all loved it and have some fabulous memories. When the decent weather arrived - DH made the decision that he was t prepared to do this anymore as ALL kids had the right to do something they enjoyed.

Ex attempted to bring a specific steps order 'requiring' he stick to her arrangement. There was already a CAO. Judge was VERY clear. Both parents have equal PR and neither parent should dictate how the children should be parented in that parents time... and that DH could reasonably expect to have quality contact time with all his children /Sc and wife.

All seven now late teens twenties. Youngest still plays tennis . An after school club was found by her dad who took her every week on a Wednesday eve in between both homes . Everybody lived. (Although this was hard fought for as he was 'getting more time' with the youngest ! and even THIS request ended up in front of an exasperated Family court judge.

It's not always what it seems. Our situation was about control. Other may be different especially if only one child and no siblings/step siblings involved - where it has little impact on others.

We had this. It's not just as simple as the child 'has the right' ... what about the child's siblings and their right not to have to spend their 2 days a fortnight in a car for hours and hanging around a tennis court for 3 hours every Saturday ? OR not spend time with their father

In your case I can see how this wouldn’t be a good thing. Why weren’t the others included in the lessons or had their own activities on the Saturday morning.
In this case this is about a child who has climbed up the levels and gets enjoyment out of this activity.

If her mum can manage it then why can’t the father?

Having had both dc in Saturday classes from a young age and watched them until it gets to a certain level where having days off gets you dropped from the class and seen the divorced mothers and their children pleading with the fathers to take the children to these activities on their weekend and seeing the resulting fall out when the child gets dropped and then won’t speak to their father no one wins in the end.

I think some people think ECAs are a bit lame and who cares if the children miss a week here or there for a family wedding or a holiday. But done properly and moving through the grades at some point a pupil can amass as many UCAS points as an A level.

Dropping out when all the ground work has been done seems quite short sighted. It is like the NRP keeping their child off school on a Friday because it eats into their time together.

Depends how often he would miss it, and for what.
Grandmothers 70th birthday party or other similar important event: He is not being unreasonable.
Dad wants a lie in: He is being unreasonable.

What will your dd say / do if he doesn't take her?

The DF may have limited time with his DC, but weekend mornings are surely when most activities take place.

DS is on the rugby team and the school would take a very dim view if he simply didn't turn up unless there was a very good reason. Getting up for 6am to get him to the bus for away matches is not fun, but is required.

If the DC enjoys the activity it's effectively punishing them for having divorced parents if they don't both make the effort to get them there.

I think some people think ECAs are a bit lame and who cares if the children miss a week here or there for a family wedding or a holiday

That’s their decision as a parent though.

My mum always thought sport was a waste of time. She thought it was a nice little hobby but that there was no future in it, and I should focus on my academics, get into university and get a good job. After my dad left she took me out of my very competitive club and found a much lower level, “fun” club where it didn’t matter if you made every session.

My own dad was a footballer and got a professional contract at 16, but his dad refused and he learned “a trade” instead.

Not everyone thinks ECA’s are anything more than a fun activity in spare time, done after homework, and family is more important.

Personally I think it depends. Without knowing what the activity is and what level o/p’s dd is at, it’s impossible to say. If it’s a ballet class, by 9 they would be on considerably more than one saturday class to be on track for anything more than fun. In which case I wouldn’t be so bothered. If it’s an orchestra in addition to music classes and she is on track for music GCSE, being able to play more seriously, then yes, i’d hope the nrp would step up.

Bottom line is, i’m not divorced but even I will discuss with DH whether we can commit to a class every week before signing dc up. If they want it, we’ll do our best but sometimes we have to say no, or find an alternative.

I can see it both ways. Yes young people like going to clubs and sports but also her dad gets 48 hours a fortnight, a club from 10-12 on a Saturday means they cannot do anything which is further away. The post mentions sat/sun so is it both days in which case that's not remotely reasonable. The response that he will try unless something else is happening seems fair to me. My DD's had to miss activities for family time

Tricky stuff
Dad knew it was a regular thing then he can help his daughter attend
If it's spite I would offer to take her myself to avoid her missing out etc.
A child's interest is best encouraged to keep them on the straight and narrow
He gets to be apart of her interest and world
Spending time with is daughter is even though he is at her game is spending time together.

IMO sports/ clubs are really important, especially if they continue all the way through the teenage years. A regular activity is great for physical and mental health, a friendship group outside of school, being part of a team is really positive. IME it gives them something fun to do and set goals to work towards. Less time to hang around streets/ parks or get into bad company.
My dc still do the sports they enjoyed as children and they are in their 20s.

@Oliversmumsarmy MynamarisBurma said they couldn't afford for all their children to do tennis. Tennis is expensive.

To be fair I know divorced parents who take all their children to football or rugby. Both parents (or even a step-parent) makes the effort to go on their weekend. However there is an agreement between the parties they want their individual child/ren to do that, it isn't just sprung on either parent like the OP is doing.

I also heard stories of one parent - most frequently the mother - insisting the child wants to do a particular activity and then the father finding out that the child hates it then trying to pull the stunt MynamarisBurma described. In the case where there are other children in the other parent's household it seems to never work....

If it is both sat and sun am then can understand why he may not do both

Does he have her fri eve. Or can you take sat and he pickup at 12 noon sat

RedMarauder

The others didn’t have to do tennis but something else rather than be stood waiting around on a Saturday morning
Or they did something on a week night that the others waited around for.
It is about being fair. Just on a time cost alone, not necessarily about equal money amounts then you can’t give to one and not the other.
It wouldn’t matter if one activity cost £10 per hour and the other only £2 per hour
If you can afford the £12 then everyone is getting an activity they enjoy. If the £12 isn’t affordable then another activity or shopping around for somewhere cheaper needs to be found.

The thing is if this is what the child enjoys and is good at then the NRP should be encouraging them to stay in the activity

These activities can lead to careers and UCAS points.
You wouldn’t tell a child to not do maths homework EOW or miss out on each Friday at school because it ate into the time of the NRP.
Just because the NRP only has them for a couple of days per week doesn’t mean that they only should do what the parent wants.
That isn’t being a parent. It is about doing what the child wants to do.

Don’t forget the resident parent also has their weekend impacted by these lessons
They can’t do what they necessarily want to do because of the activity

The girl I know had a father who on his weekends refused to take her to her activity and she was dropped from the team she was in. (She was on track to make career out of her activity)
Her father actually thought he was being an amazing father by taking her away for expensive weekends and showering her in presents. But all his child wanted to do was go to her activity for a couple of hours on a Saturday morning

They are NC now because of this.
Her father just didn’t treat her activity with any respect and thought there was no future in ECAs
He just wanted to do what he wanted to do and hang the consequences
I did hear he couldn’t understand why his dd didn’t talk to him anymore. After he had given her so much. I don’t think he ever understood that the weekends away were what he wanted to do and not what his dd wanted to do

Her father just didn’t treat her activity with any respect and thought there was no future in ECAs
He just wanted to do what he wanted to do and hang the consequences

This isn’t unusual though. It is a parenting choice.

I could have made a career out of sport. My mum was of the opinion that sport wasn’t a job or a career, and you were likely to be left at 30 with no back up plan. If you were successful.

She instead “encouraged” me into academia. School, university, career.

To her that was a much more sensible option, and I’d thank her for it in the long run. She thought the experience of holidays and travel were essential- see the world, find out what’s out there.

It wasn’t even about what she wanted to do, it was about what she thought was best for me.

While I have a lot of regrets and what ifs about not following a career in sport, i do recognise that my mum in her own head thought she was doing her best.

It isn’t just an NRP thing. And parents encourage/discourage their kids careers all the time.

bluebluezoo

You were probably lucky in that you could go the academia route
My mother really encouraged me into getting qualifications, learning languages and generally getting a good steady job.
The issue was she never looked at what was in front of her and lived in a fantasy world half the time.

I am dyslexic and probably ADHD and despite tutors and private schooling (that I didn’t want to go to and hated everyday I was there) failed everything.
I have bounced around in minimum wage jobs and am NC with my mother

The daughter I referred is similar.
It is alright dismissing activities but if it is the only thing your child is good at then be realistic.

My own dc are both probably ADHD (Ds diagnosed, dd starting the route to get properly diagnosed) and both diagnosed dyslexic.
I knew that ECAs were the only way they were going to get anywhere.
It would be like expecting my children to be university material.
They are very bright but not academic

You were probably lucky in that you could go the academia route

I scraped c’s in my gcse’s and failed my a’levels because I simply wasn’t interested. I wanted to be training.

By that time though when you’ve only been doing your sport for fun rather than at a competive club, you realise it’s off the table. So I got on to a crappy uni course. Never had a career, just bog standard jobs.

So I don’t know about “lucky”. But my mum is proud because i work for the civil service and you can dress my job title up a bit. She still thinks she did the right thing.

Op I would reply all enthusiastic saying. Thats great dd is really excited about this club and its so nice you also feel its important for her to go.

In future however I would have a discussion with him before booking stuff in the time she is with him.

Many go on about this is tome for the child to do as she wants. The child is 9 she is not yet capable of making the overall understanding that time away at hobby will also =time away from just spending time with her dad. And how this will have long term effects on their relationship. Having said that personally I would support all i could to get a child to a sport they want to do. In this case however I would make the assumption hos reply was positive and bide time.