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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my ex to take his daughter to her sport club on his weekend?

153 replies

dippypanda · 05/10/2020 11:50

As per title? My daughter has found the one sport she loves doing and wants to go the sport club each weekend. I take her on my weekends and I've asked him to take her on his (every other weekend).

His response, "they will try their best to get her there as often as possible, but if other stuff comes up we'll skip that week, which he thinks is fair enough"

Is it though? Surely they could prioritise her for a few hours on a sat / sun morning? I do this (and much more)

Or am I expecting too much?

OP posts:
dontdisturbmenow · 05/10/2020 12:19

Depends on a number of factors. How long would it take for him to take her? Could he drop her off and fine back home or would he have to stay the whole time?

Does he have more children and therefore other responsibility on weekends? Does he sometimes have to work?

dontdisturbmenow · 05/10/2020 12:19

Also are they used to going out at that time and doing other activities?

TheFormerPorpentinaScamander · 05/10/2020 12:21

YANBU.
There's a lot my Dad got wrong when I was growing up, but one thing he did do was always make sure my brothers and I attended our weekend clubs/classes on 'his' weekend. Even though that meant driving 40ish mins there and back and hanging around for an hour/not picking me up until ballet class finished at 8/9pm on a Friday. He knew how important those activities were to us and encouraged them.

rbe78 · 05/10/2020 12:22

But he said he'll take her, so I don't see what the problem is? He is just letting you know that sometimes there will be events that might be prioritised, so is letting you know that in advance rather than promising to take her every week and face breaking that prmise if something comes up in the future.

I'm sure this is the same from your end - what if you have a family event one weekend, or you think your daughter is a bit under the weather to take part? You can't guarantee you'll take her every single weekend any more than he can.

Annasgirl · 05/10/2020 12:23

The world over there are weekend clubs where the pupil is absent on Dad's weekend. And the law will not support you to get him to implement it. YANBU to think he should do it - but YABU to think he would do it - after all you left him for a reason.

Florencex · 05/10/2020 12:23

I think his response is perfectly reasonable, he has merely caveated that it might not always be possible to go.

Cherrypie80 · 05/10/2020 12:24

My son went to a sport club for 4 years every weekend. Now i'm divorced, his dad says it's not convenient to take him on his weekends anymore as he is thinking of moving 30 mins away. The other option is I still pay but he misses half the weekends which I can't really afford to do.

Starlight39 · 05/10/2020 12:25

I think I'd reserve judgement for now and see how often these "other things" come up and how much they are either essential for your ex (eg work) or beneficial for your DD (eg going to see family etc).

GabsAlot · 05/10/2020 12:25

yes shes been doing it for 4 years but it didnt impact his weekend then did it-now shes moving up it does

of course if shes upset hes the one who has to explain it to her why she cant go

Cherrypie80 · 05/10/2020 12:25

I think if it was something she was already doing and invested in then he would really be UR, but as it's something new I suppose you can't force him to do what he wants on his weekends.Annoying though.

LetsSplashMummy · 05/10/2020 12:28

I wouldn't argue about it now, because you'd really be making a fuss about his phrasing and not the bigger issue.

See if he takes her and how often. See what the reasons are for not taking her - only with this info do you know if he's being unreasonable or not.

Pickagoddamnname · 05/10/2020 12:28

Your update changes things. I figured it was a new activity from your OP. At her age and after 4 years he should be making the effort to take her.
You probably still should have discussed it first though out of courtesy. At 9 hopefully your Dd will speak up to him so she gets there

vanillandhoney · 05/10/2020 12:29

I don't think many people would be impressed to be told "you have to take DD here every weekend, even though you never agreed to do so and were never asked about it first".

If her activity is so important to you, can you not take her and then he picks her up?

HappySonHappyMum · 05/10/2020 12:31

I'd just go and get her and take her - that's more likely to piss him off more than anything else, you turning up early on a Saturday morning! I put my sons sport before everything at the weekends for years because it was something he really loved and was really good at. Your ex is just being selfish.

timeisnotaline · 05/10/2020 12:32

cherrypie
It’s the same activity. After 4 years she’s moving to a more advanced class,Hence the wanting to go every week, and he isn’t bothered supporting her advancing in her interest of the past 4 years. If he doesn’t take her much I’d do my best passive aggressive Matter of fact - it’s not me hurting it’s your daughter... ‘I know it’s an effort to support children in their passions, I guess it’s too hard for you. Poor dd tries really hard not to get too down.’

Cherrypie80 · 05/10/2020 12:32

@dippypanda then that's really sad if she's been doing it 4 years and is advancing. He should put her first.

lockdownalli · 05/10/2020 12:33

I think I would say that's fine, but DD may want to rearrange seeing him on the (hopefully few) weekends he is unable to take her, so that she can still attend her class.

HappySonHappyMum · 05/10/2020 12:33

I should also say I was the manager of a kids sports team for 4 years. If it was Mums weekend they'd be there every time - it was always on Dads weekends that they wouldn't turn up :(

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/10/2020 12:33

You cannot force him to do this. When does your dd go to him? Could you modify the contact so that you drop your dd to his directly after her club? Or offer to collect her from his and drop her home perhaps?

Oliversmumsarmy · 05/10/2020 12:34

Op how would you feel if he came to you with 'our child wants to do x so we signed her up, you have to take her, here are the details

Then if it was something the child wanted to do then I would be happy doing it.

This is about the child not what the parent wants.

I do know a situation like this. The dd was doing very well in a sport.

The mum was facilitating their dd in doing this sport and like your dd they moved up to the Saturday training sessions.
However the father refused to take her on his Saturdays.

Because of this the dd had to give up on her dreams of possible olympics as 50% attendance just wouldn’t cut it and in the end binned off her father as soon as she could.
She never forgave him

No one won

CakeRequired · 05/10/2020 12:34

I'd point out to him that it's him she will hate for not letting her go to an activity she wants to do. If he's still too selfish/stupid/lazy to take her, that's his problem. Keep taking her yourself.

timeisnotaline · 05/10/2020 12:34

I don't think many people would be impressed to be told "you have to take DD here every weekend, even though you never agreed to do so and were never asked about it first".
It’s pretty basic parenting really. Imagine if it were football- ‘how dare you sign our child up to the next level in the football he’s been playing for 4 years and think he can play every week. The bloody cheek of you.’
Not supporting your children’s activities is crap parenting.

Greycurtiansarenaff · 05/10/2020 12:37

I'm with you on this, I've been having the same fight with my exdp for over a year.
I pay for all DCs various activities and am usually out of the house twice in the week and both days at the weekend, I also work.

He point blank refuses to take them or just completely ignores me when I ask, ds1 has been doing football for 5 years and is now on an academy team, so training is twice a week (tues& sat) with matches on a Sunday, these usually end by mid day. Ds2 also does football (same training ground) and Cubs on a Thursday, he has only ever been to one match in 5 years and has never so much as asked about what they're doing or progressing.

It may seem like an over the top fight for some people, but neither of had the upbringing where we had the opportunity to progress in a sport or activity we loved. My DC not only enjoy going to their activities, but it gives them a huge sense of pride when they achieve a goal like winning a trophy or earning a badge. I don't understand why as a parent you wouldn't want to encourage that.

TheTeenageYears · 05/10/2020 12:39

I have really strong opinions on this kind of topic because I was put in the position as a child to not be able to continue doing an activity I loved because my parents divorced and non resident parent moved away. So much so that I raised it as an issue very recently nearly 30 years on and have spent my entire DC's lives over compensating with activities for them as a result. Children should be able to pursue an activity, friendships, attend birthday parties etc and parents who are no longer together should both facilitate this as far as I'm concerned. The children should come first. I would be looking at the setup of contact time in your case @dippypanda if ex is unwilling to commit the time to the activity when DD is with him. She will struggle to advance without attending consistently and depending on what it is it can be frustrating for the teacher/other participants to have someone pop in and out. It's irrelevant when she started do this activity, who's idea it was etc etc - if she's invested now she should be able to continue is she wishes.

Leylafrenchie · 05/10/2020 12:40

I think I’d wait to see how much he actually took her v didn’t take her.

We live 50- 60 mins away from my SC and driving back to do an activity for an hour or so wouldn’t be feasible on our weekend as we also have 2 children to consider.