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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my ex to take his daughter to her sport club on his weekend?

153 replies

dippypanda · 05/10/2020 11:50

As per title? My daughter has found the one sport she loves doing and wants to go the sport club each weekend. I take her on my weekends and I've asked him to take her on his (every other weekend).

His response, "they will try their best to get her there as often as possible, but if other stuff comes up we'll skip that week, which he thinks is fair enough"

Is it though? Surely they could prioritise her for a few hours on a sat / sun morning? I do this (and much more)

Or am I expecting too much?

OP posts:
TitsOutForHarambe · 05/10/2020 12:42

I think doing these things is part of parenting, and I would certainly hope that they would do it, but you really can't expect it. As long as your daughter is safe and cared for he can do whatever he wants when he's looking after her. He doesn't have to facilitate her prior commitments.

I sympathise OP because I think it's a bit shitty if he doesn't take her, but there is nothing you can do about it so I would just take a step back and remind yourself that you've done all you can and then leave him to it.

carriemathisonshandbag · 05/10/2020 12:43

My DSis has this problem at the moment. They do 50:50 week on week off. Her ex refuses to take their DC. My sis pays for them and offered to take the DC on his weeks, so they don't miss out. He refused unless she makes up "his time" with them. They do some of the activities with my DC, and they miss doing them with their cousins.

Zaphodsotherhead · 05/10/2020 12:44

I had this argument with myself when half of my kids moved up a group at riding school. I either stood there for three hours every Saturday, while first one did the lower class, then two did the middle class and then one did the advanced class, or they all had to stay in the lower class, and then the older one complained because they wanted to do jumping...

Got round it by taking each one to a different midweek class. Is that an option. OP?

Oliversmumsarmy · 05/10/2020 12:50

I don’t understand this bit

they will try their best to get her there as often as possible, but if other stuff comes up we'll skip that week

Training and ECA take priority over virtually everything especially if a child has been doing them for 4 years and has moved up the classes.

Short of death and disease then nothing should come up that takes priority.
These classes are what his dd wants to do.
If he doesn’t want his dd to do them then he needs to look at his priorities and decide if he actually wants a relationship with his daughter long term.

Otoh is he just trying to wind you up so you are anxious each weekend that he may or may not take her when he has every intention of taking her and he knows he is just stressing you and his dd out by dangling the possibility that something might come up

Could you order your dd a taxi to take her to and from classes without the need for any input from her father

Nextity · 05/10/2020 12:53

I think YABU. He is going to try and it is on him to explain if he can't. Your daughter is 9, she can explain why she wants to do this and he can figure out how it fits in with his other family commitments as her parent.

I am with DH with 2 children. There are restrictions on what they are allowed to do when. Time, money, their siblings needs, our need for downtime. Sometimes this means stopping activities or not starting then. In our family we don't allow activities on weekend, it is family time. But activities are fine in the week. I don't think this makes us bad parents!

FizzyGreenWater · 05/10/2020 12:54

In a nutshell - he will reap what he sows.

She'll either remember her dad also being involved and enthusiastic to make something she really wants happen on his weekends, or she'll remember that he wouldn't, and that Saturdays with him from around the time she was 9 weren't as nice as they could have been, as she knew she was missing out on X.

A friend has children who got to experience the latter - no surprise when they got to 11-12 and hated gonig to their dads. Not even so much because they were missing out on stuff - but more that they hated that he didn't seem to give a shit about what they liked, who their friends were, what was important in THEIR lives.

Not much contact now...

RedMarauder · 05/10/2020 12:55

YABU to expect more.

You haven't pre-agreed that she wants to do the activity with your ex. So his answer is appropriate as if your daughter clearly enjoys the activity and it doesn't impact on anything he has planned to do with her/other children in his family then he will take her. While your daughter is clearly important to you if he has other children, she doesn't come before them.

You shouldn't plan activities and events for your joint daughter in his time without his explicit agreement, and some Child Arrangement Orders specifically state this to stop parents doing what you are doing.

RedMarauder · 05/10/2020 12:57

@Leylafrenchie on MN your children aren't as important as step-children even if your children are the half-siblings to those step-children.

SpaceRaiders · 05/10/2020 13:00

This is just basic parenting surely? And it hurts the dc more so than anyone else.

Exh does the same. Dd missed every birthday party in YR because they all happened to fall on his weekends. The only way round it is booking all activities after school. Long term I hope they’ll be able to assert themselves in telling him when they want to do an activity or see friends.

starskey80 · 05/10/2020 13:01

I am with you 100% OP.
Why should she miss out on half her training because her parents are divorced, that is so unfair on the child.
My son is 12 and is hugely into football, training twice a week and matches Sunday. He's father never brings him to training and has no interest in his matches. Son has lost complete interest in his father.

She will resent him.

sunset900 · 05/10/2020 13:01

If he is genuinely going to try YABU. If he is lining up the excuse ready then YANBU. The problem imo is the belief that NRP have that their contact time is 'theirs' and is all about what they want to do in that time. No RP gets to spend all their time having quality time with DC or prioritising themselves. It is actually their DCs time and their chance to do some parenting.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 05/10/2020 13:08

Yanbu, it’s common for attendance expectations to increase when a child is in a more advanced class, or they can’t keep up with everyone else.

In normal times, my DS has football practice twice a week In the evenings and a game every Saturday. The players are expected to attend the games unless there’s a really good reason like illness or a family occasion (wedding, christening, etc.). Same with DD’s athletics team. Your DD is clearly advancing with her hobby so your ex should support her with it.

emilyfrost · 05/10/2020 13:09

YABU. He doesn’t get much time with her anyway, and it’s not okay for you to make plans for his weekend with her.

dontdisturbmenow · 05/10/2020 13:12

Training and ECA take priority over virtually everything especially if a child has been doing them for 4 years and has moved up the classes
Not over a family birthday, wedding, christening, weekend away, etc...

copernicium · 05/10/2020 13:13

We went through a horrible court case. I brought this up in court and was told it's up to him what they do on his weekends, not the children. DD resented him, argued about going every week because she had to miss her activities, and the second she was old enough, she never spoke to him again...

dontdisturbmenow · 05/10/2020 13:13

He doesn’t get much time with her anyway, and it’s not okay for you to make plans for his weekend with her
If it is something the DD is very keen on, how different is it to her asking her dad to do the activity?

Would he be likely to say no?

Laureline · 05/10/2020 13:16

YANBU, but I guess this just confirms why he's your ex?

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 05/10/2020 13:18

I can see both sides to this, but from our family’s experiences with activities as they get older, it can eventually prevent the child from doing it at all.

The reason is that for more advanced levels, they have to show commitment or they fall behind/let the team down, etc. this happened to a friend’s son- his Dad refused to take him to games and he was asked to leave the team.☹️ So it’s not nice for the child.

vanillandhoney · 05/10/2020 13:18

It’s pretty basic parenting really. Imagine if it were football- ‘how dare you sign our child up to the next level in the football he’s been playing for 4 years and think he can play every week. The bloody cheek of you.’ Not supporting your children’s activities is crap parenting.

See, I just don't agree with this. Why does Parent A get to choose how Parent B spends their contact time?

bluebluezoo · 05/10/2020 13:18

Because of this the dd had to give up on her dreams of possible olympics as 50% attendance just wouldn’t cut it and in the end binned off her father as soon as she could.
She never forgave hIm

Interested to know in which sport you can have olympic goals training once a week?

Most potential olympians train nearly every day. Even if she’d managed 100% attendance I can’t think of any sport where that would be realistic.

We had it the other way. Stepdc’s mum wanted to spend her weekends seeing family, shopping, meals. Stepdc would sign up for various activities, we’d pay, mum wouldn’t take them, or would say she knew a better/more convenient class, and never take them there either.

Some parents don’t put value on sports or extra curriculars. That’s their choice.

ChocolateCherrybomb · 05/10/2020 13:19

It astonishes me, the number of posters who are being so understanding towards this shitty selfish father, talking like attending the sport lessons is something OP decided she wanted her daughter to do so it would inconvenience or piss him off.

The child wants this because she is good at it.

Imagine if the dad of Jessica Ennis-Hill/David Beckham/Chris Hoy/Ronnie O Sullivan/Andy Murray/any other high achieving sports star had gone, "nah, fuck it, I'm not taking you to practice because your mum encourages you to it so I automatically won't".

When the daughter ends up refusing to see her dad because he won't support his own child's aspirations, I bet that will be OP's doing too in his eyes because as we all know, men's actions have no consequences, it's all just women being vindictive bitches over meaningless little things to get at them. Of course, it's the men who take it upon themselves to decide what is a meaningless little thing and it looks like this dad has decided his child's chosen sport is one of them.

He is a prick.

Oliversmumsarmy · 05/10/2020 13:22

YABU. He doesn’t get much time with her anyway, and it’s not okay for you to make plans for his weekend with her

Isn’t it the dd making plans to go to her activity.

If the mum can do it for the dd on her weekend then the dad should be able to.

In our house ECAs took priority over birthday parties, weekends away and weddings etc

Dd and Ds are now working doing what they learned in their ECAs.

copernicium this is what happened to a friend of dds

KylieKoKo · 05/10/2020 13:22

He hasn't said he won't take her! He has said that she might have to miss a few where there are clashes. The two stances are very different.

Notfeelinggreattoday · 05/10/2020 13:22

I think iF he takes her most of time thats fine and his reply is hard to read as in clashes with a day out or important family thing fine , clashes with we are going food shopping or want a lay in then no
Kids don't choose for parents to separate and be sent to
Different houses and if they have a sport or hobby they are really serious about then i think both parents should accommodate if possible ( if couple hrs away cant be done)
Also kids will get to an age where they will resent going if they have to loose out on their activities and don't they have a say
Maybe get your daughter to explain how important it is to him as well

krustykittens · 05/10/2020 13:23

"He doesn’t get much time with her anyway, and it’s not okay for you to make plans for his weekend with her"

The child had a life before her parents divorced and she wants it to continue. It's a long running activity she is advancing in, she expects her father to continue supporting her. This is actually about what a child is passionate about and wants to pursue, not her mother. He already sounds like he is planning on skipping weeks when they want to go bowling or just do fuck all, because that is what now suits him. It's really not fair. It is the price of having sporty kids, a high level of commitment is expected and they will get dropped if they don't attend. It's not fair on the kids who do turn up every week and the adults who are often giving their time for free so kids can participate. If he finds brining her to this class too awkward then he is going to have to re-arrange his contact time.