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Original poster

To ask my ex to take his daughter to her sport club on his weekend?

153 replies

dippypanda · 05/10/2020 11:50

As per title? My daughter has found the one sport she loves doing and wants to go the sport club each weekend. I take her on my weekends and I've asked him to take her on his (every other weekend).

His response, "they will try their best to get her there as often as possible, but if other stuff comes up we'll skip that week, which he thinks is fair enough"

Is it though? Surely they could prioritise her for a few hours on a sat / sun morning? I do this (and much more)

Or am I expecting too much?

OP posts:
KylieKoKo · 05/10/2020 13:24

@Starlight39

I think I'd reserve judgement for now and see how often these "other things" come up and how much they are either essential for your ex (eg work) or beneficial for your DD (eg going to see family etc).
I think this is the most sensible approach.

It might amount to a trip to grandparents every 6 months which I hope you would not object to.

AryaStarkWolf · 05/10/2020 13:29

@StormzyInaDCup

I was with you op. Until I read *@CuriousaboutSamphires* reply. They're right, it should have been a joint decision in the first place.

You can't make plans for his weekend. He's accommodating the plans you've made without him, the best he can by the sounds of it.

Agree with this really. You can't dictate what he does on his weekends
Friendsoftheearth · 05/10/2020 13:29

I don't think it would hurt for him to be more committed to his dd's sports and passions, that said it is his time and he should decide what happens when she is with him. You can't really dictate what he does in his own time op.

Ask dd to talk her father about it, and let them come to an agreement between themselves. It will be harder for him to let her down if she is the one asking to go.

SpaceRaiders · 05/10/2020 13:29

See, I just don't agree with this. Why does Parent A get to choose how Parent B spends their contact time?

If only all parents would centre their child, none of these disagreements would need to happen because you’d both be working together in the best interests of your child.

Cocomarine · 05/10/2020 13:30

So is it both days on the weekend? You just say go at the weekend, and then “Sat/Sun”.

I think it’s a storm in a tea cup - unless you’ve got a backstory.

He’s said yes.
He’s said as often as possible.
He’s said she might sometimes miss it.

Why are you wanting the internet to tell you that your XH is an arsehole?

Come back when he’s actually done something wrong 🤷🏻‍♀️

Shelby2010 · 05/10/2020 13:31

What does ex normally do with DD on a Sat morning? Do you think he won’t take her very often?

There’s a big difference in not taking her because he can’t be arsed getting up versus missing a weekend for a family wedding or other special day out.

vanillandhoney · 05/10/2020 13:33

If only all parents would centre their child, none of these disagreements would need to happen because you’d both be working together in the best interests of your child.

But he's already said he'll take her as often as possible. I'm not sure why everyone is so keen to slate him - he didn't say he'd never take her at all.

AryaStarkWolf · 05/10/2020 13:36

@krustykittens

"He doesn’t get much time with her anyway, and it’s not okay for you to make plans for his weekend with her"

The child had a life before her parents divorced and she wants it to continue. It's a long running activity she is advancing in, she expects her father to continue supporting her. This is actually about what a child is passionate about and wants to pursue, not her mother. He already sounds like he is planning on skipping weeks when they want to go bowling or just do fuck all, because that is what now suits him. It's really not fair. It is the price of having sporty kids, a high level of commitment is expected and they will get dropped if they don't attend. It's not fair on the kids who do turn up every week and the adults who are often giving their time for free so kids can participate. If he finds brining her to this class too awkward then he is going to have to re-arrange his contact time.

The OP says "My daughter has found the one sport she loves doing and wants to go the sport club each weekend" this, to me, implies that it's a recent activity she's taken up and probably wasn't doing it while her parents were still together
Oliversmumsarmy · 05/10/2020 13:39

He hasn't said he won't take her! He has said that she might have to miss a few where there are clashes. The two stances are very different

What does it mean clash.

Is he saying that he will take her unless he gets a better offer.

To me these classes are set in stone and if something else does come up then either they can’t go or they go and your dd does the class and joins them later.

I have seen what happens to fathers (and it is always fathers) who don’t prioritise their children and put in no effort.
They end up with bitter older children going NC with them because they couldn’t get their arse out of bed or the classes clashed with their weekly shop in Tesco or a football match or a visit to the nursing home for great aunt Agatha’s birthday.
Or they just don’t comprehend what these ECAs mean to their children

Oliversmumsarmy · 05/10/2020 13:41

AryaStarkWolf

Definitely not a recent activity. The dd has been going 4 years and has moved up the classes

TheNortherner · 05/10/2020 13:42

I have had this issue, kids wanted to do something on the weekend at a club, and this was before the weekend on/off arrangement. As soon as ex had the on/off weekend arrangement, kids started coming back saying 'why do we have to go to the club' even though they had been going for a year. This happened with all 3 clubs that my kids attended prior to the CAO so that now i have to squeeze their tutoring and clubs onto the nights they are with me which are school nights which means they do school, homework, tutoring and club on the two definite nights i have them, because i cant trust him to be supportive and it makes them quite rightly, grumpy and tired when it could be more spread out. It is for their benefit/enjoyment after all, but some cant see that.

PamDemic · 05/10/2020 13:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CakeRequired · 05/10/2020 13:43

If only all parents would centre their child, none of these disagreements would need to happen because you’d both be working together in the best interests of your child.

But that's a crazy idea! Don't you know that children are meant to be used as pawns between the two parents in their games?

dontdisturbmenow · 05/10/2020 13:44

What does it mean clash
As said, a wedding, a family birthday.

Maybe OP has a habit of having a go at him and he thinks she would do so if she didn't go once because they were invited to a sibling wedding do he rather makes it clear before the situation occurs.

Who knows!

bluebluezoo · 05/10/2020 13:44

If only all parents would centre their child, none of these disagreements would need to happen because you’d both be working together in the best interests of your child

I doubt it. Like I said “best interests of the child” for one person may not be the same for another.

Step DC’s mum thought her child’s best interests were served seeing family, especially a terminally ill grandparent, and doing homework. She thought a saturday morning sports commitment was too much, even though her child wanted to.

Dh is a big sports fan and thought it was in the childs best interest to do some physical activity and have a break from homework, and meet new friends.

Both wanted the best for the child, both made their own parenting decisions, both were likely right.

Some parents think ballet and violin is an essential. Others prefer to use the money for private school.

We all make parenting decisions that wouldn’t universally be agreed with.

ItalianHat · 05/10/2020 13:47

if he only sees her every other weekend then depending on the time of the class they could lose a whole day to do something together

On the other hand, he could step up and parent his child by supporting her and encouraging her in doing something she wants to do.

He's a selfish person if he doesn't, frankly. It comes with the territory of being a parent.

SpaceRaiders · 05/10/2020 13:47

But he's already said he'll take her as often as possible.

Read: when I can be bothered.

I’m not slating this guy. What I’m pointing out is whatever activities are best for the child both parents should be doing their best to support. As a parent with two kids who consistently miss out due to the same kind of fuckery it boils my piss.

Cocomarine · 05/10/2020 13:49

@SpaceRaiders

But he's already said he'll take her as often as possible.

Read: when I can be bothered.

I’m not slating this guy. What I’m pointing out is whatever activities are best for the child both parents should be doing their best to support. As a parent with two kids who consistently miss out due to the same kind of fuckery it boils my piss.

That’s how it reads for your XH 🤷🏻‍♀️ For mine, it would read: he’ll take her as often as possible, but occasionally (maybe a family birthday) it won’t happen.
LilyLongJohn · 05/10/2020 13:53

That sounds exactly like my ex. Both my dc had sports activities over weekends and my ex only ever took them when it benefitted him, which was hardly ever , he didn't even have to pay, just spend 20 mins in the car and an hour watching (drinking tea and looking at mn).

My dc are at an age now that they've started to not want to go to his because it interferes with their social lives. I don't force them, so more fool him.

timeisnotaline · 05/10/2020 13:54

For mine, it would read: he’ll take her as often as possible, but occasionally (maybe a family birthday) it won’t happen.
Note that the dd has never had classes on Saturdays till now. They’ve been every second week, which quite probably means she’s only gone every second week? Regardless, in 4 years he’s clearly never once said oh you love that and do it every Saturday, is it only on every other Saturday? Would you like to do it sometime? I think it’s clear which dad he will be.

Lovemusic33 · 05/10/2020 13:56

I think he should take her as long as it’s not going to take up the whole day (not too far away).

When my step children were young one of them played football every weekend, we would all go and watch, it took up half a Sunday but wasn’t too much trouble, if one of the other dc’s wanted to do something then I would take them whilst there dad stayed at the food all with his DS. Yes sometimes it was a bit of a pain but not the end of the world.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 05/10/2020 13:57

It might be that he doesn’t realize how committed your DD is or that non-attendance might result in her not being able to pursue this activity at all.

That’s why she should talk to him directly about it if she really wants to go.

AryaStarkWolf · 05/10/2020 13:58

@Oliversmumsarmy

AryaStarkWolf

Definitely not a recent activity. The dd has been going 4 years and has moved up the classes

Oh ok that's how it reads. Have they only just split up then? If so yeah then I do think it's out of order if he only brings her the odd time, however that hasn't happened yet, if he brings her most times but has to skip the odd one then i don't see that as a massive issue
SpaceRaiders · 05/10/2020 13:59

Step DC’s mum thought her child’s best interests were served seeing family, especially a terminally ill grandparent

Confused Why wouldn’t you want your sdc to spend time a little time with their dying grandparent? You don’t come across well btw.

There is no reason why a child cannot do both. In the case of ballet, violin and private school.

For a child who loves their sport but is reluctant at their school work. Of course, I’d insist on homework first then sports activities.

What everyone here is discussing is parents who prevent activities taking place during their time.

fairlygoodmother · 05/10/2020 14:00

My son plays football, and sometimes we muse about skipping a practice to do something else as a family - he is pretty vocal in his resistance to these ideas.

Could you coach your daughter to remind her dad that she wants to go to her club? I know it’s not easy always but if he tends to disregard her preferences it will stand her in good stead in the future to get into the habit of advocating for herself.