To ask my ex to take his daughter to her sport club on his weekend?

[dippypanda]

As per title? My daughter has found the one sport she loves doing and wants to go the sport club each weekend. I take her on my weekends and I've asked him to take her on his (every other weekend).

His response, "they will try their best to get her there as often as possible, but if other stuff comes up we'll skip that week, which he thinks is fair enough"

Is it though? Surely they could prioritise her for a few hours on a sat / sun morning? I do this (and much more)

Or am I expecting too much?

Yes, he should definitely take her! otherwise, she will inevitably not want to go to her dads on that day in the future. of course, I am assuming it is a few hours out of the day and that he doesn't have 5 other kids with different hobbies to be taken to. It would also not be unreasonable for him to not take her one week if there was something like a wedding or party or planned day out.

It depends if it’s both days of the weekend or just one, and whether he has other children, and how often he sees her.

*confused Why wouldn’t you want your sdc to spend time a little time with their dying grandparent? You don’t come across well btw.

There is no reason why a child cannot do both. In the case of ballet, violin and private school.

For a child who loves their sport but is reluctant at their school work. Of course, I’d insist on homework first then sports activities.

What everyone here is discussing is parents who prevent activities taking place during their time*

Now I’m confused. I was pointing out that the mum was preventing activities during her time, because she thought visiting family and homework was more important.

Nothing wrong with that at all, it’s a parenting decision. Same as if you only have money for either private school or violin lessons, sometimes you make a choice others wouldn’t.

You yourself say homework before activities- that is preventing the child doing their activity...Her mum had that right and her dad wanting her to do her sports activity as a priority is another view.

Some parents just don’t think organised activities are important. They’re allowed to think that.

Who on earth is/are 'they'? Yes of course he should prioritise taking your daughter to her sports club but if he has some other more exciting plan for that day, fair enough and same would apply to you. Tell him to be less vague about 'other plans'!

This is very tricky, for this was a problem my husband had with his daughter in the past. It was a 2 hour round trip for a 1 hour practise session at 09:00 on a Sunday morning and then he'd have to drive her back home for lunch and then back to her mums. It was a real bind.

@TOFO1965

This is very tricky, for this was a problem my husband had with his daughter in the past. It was a 2 hour round trip for a 1 hour practise session at 09:00 on a Sunday morning and then he'd have to drive her back home for lunch and then back to her mums. It was a real bind.

Two hours chatting time 1:1 with his daughter, and an hour of watching her do something important to her. Yeah, that sounds like a bind 🙄

Part of the reason I still resent my NRP is that my obligation to do contact EOW meant I couldn't actually do any weekend hobbies (in my case the really good, very affordable Saturday morning music school in my town) until I was much older. This was something I wanted to add rather than something I'd done for a while and wanted to do more. NRP wasn't local and no one had a car so was tied to fairly crap train options.

Felt like I didn't matter, just that I had to do my duty. Just added to the general suckiness of divorced parents.

Agree with so many others that the child's interests should be paramount here.

I am not in a blended family but have 3 dc and spend a lot of my weekends driving children to activities they want to do and waiting, oh the waiting

It isn't what I would choose to do with my weekends but hey, that's being a parent isn't it.

I would let the DC lead the conversation with her father and hope he just meant she had to miss the very occasional session.

I wonder what these fathers think when their dc refuse to see them again after years of this. Do they regret their actions?

It's just so selfish!

I think your dd should communicate with her dad what she wants to do.
If she wants to go every week then if he won't take her she won't want to go to his house.

I don't think he is 'wrong' exactly, he just has a different opinion
Exactly. If you were a couple, you would have decided together if the commitment was possible, as you are separated you each decide for your week.

@Devlesko

I think your dd should communicate with her dad what she wants to do. If she wants to go every week then if he won't take her she won't want to go to his house.

Good post.

this was a problem my husband had with his daughter in the past. It was a 2 hour round trip for a 1 hour practise session at 09:00 on a Sunday morning and then he'd have to drive her back home for lunch and then back to her mums. It was a real bind

Spending 3 hours with his daughter was a bind ??? 3 hours with his daughter was a problem??

Nice catch you've got yourself there. I can see why he's someone's ex-husband.

YANBU

Of course he should facilitate his child’s hobbies where reasonably practical (ie. If it’s a minor inconvenience not a 400 mile round trip). I’m sure most of the parents who ferry their DC to activities could think of things they’d rather do, but they do it for their DC’s benefit.

Missing once in a blue moon for something important is fine. Missing regularly so dad can have a lie in not fine.

@bluebluezoo Gosh your SD's mum sounds like an utter witch. Prioritising dying relatives and homework over a sports club

Honest to God do people actually think a sports club could possibly be more important than those things?!

*Gosh your SD's mum sounds like an utter witch. Prioritising dying relatives and homework over a sports club hmm

Honest to God do people actually think a sports club could possibly be more important than those things?!*

Exactly . People have the right to prioritise over sports clubs. Whether that’s a relative or family time. I was using that example as a completely justified reason to not let a child do a sports activity. Others might think it Ok as it’s only one hour, and the child can fulfill family obligations in the afternoon.

In the context of o/p’s post her ex has the right to decide what’s best for the child. If that’s relaxing and family time, and a break from organised activity, that’s his choice as a parent.

As others have said, probably the best approach is to let the child decide how she spends her time.

Honest to God do people actually think a sports club could possibly be more important than those things

Actually, not sports, but an ECA we prioritised over homework for nothing dc.

They were never going to go to university and A levels were a step too far.
But the ECAs were something they excelled in.

Infact they excelled to the point that the grades they got in their ECAs mean that if they did want to go to university they have enough UCAS points to go without A levels and dd is a qualified teacher in a couple of activities.

So prioritising activities over homework doesn’t mean you miss out on university and a career.

@SonEtLumiere

I have said YABU, though I don’t disagree with you!

Some parents just don’t care very much what their kids do. And truly don’t care whether their child is unhappy/gets dropped/reaches their potential/gets grilled by the coach. Of course they expect the other parent to take the blame and the slack. Unfortunately not giving a shit, and putting fuck all effort in is usually part of the reason for the divorce and is socially acceptable.

They will of course up the ante if they think they can annoy you with it. So you will now find that there are other things on at weekends for the foreseeable. (Plus far too late to bed on Friday to create the excuse that they were too tired and/or naughty).

My best advice is to make your child as independent as possible as soon as possible, so they can get themselves there. What age are they?

I read your post quite early on in the thread, so apologies if there have been further updates. But this is the real issue.

Some activities require a child to attend regularly. And the activity don't care if the child is parented from 2 homes with very different views on parenting.

My ex has systematically refused to take our now late-teenage child to any activity that I have originally organised. (I say that because organizations change their timings, so the actual day/time is not my choice). The grounds are mostly spurious - eg the child is tired after a week at school, or we have other plans - normally a walk or bike ride (so not time critical). There are no other children to be considered.

My teenager now sees the manipulation - that they are able to do their activity with 1 parent, but not the other. What a shame I, as one parent, would have to go back to family court to remedy this. My child now counts the days until they are 18. So they are independent.

This is a totally avoidable situation.

spongedog

Friends dd refused to go to her fathers house after the age of about 14/15
She had a social life and activities he wouldn’t take her to so there was no point her going round to spend a weekend doing things her father wanted to do and she had no interest in.

Why can't he take her? Take an interest? Volunteer to help? Get involved?
That is what most parents do.

He's said he'll take her as often as they can so where's the drama?

At least wait until he doesn't take her before slating them.

Sometimes things do come up - weddings, seeing family she doesn't get to see much - that take priority.

@NoSleepInTheHeat

I don't think he is 'wrong' exactly, he just has a different opinion Exactly. If you were a couple, you would have decided together if the commitment was possible, as you are separated you each decide for your week.

Unfortunately for many activities that lack of commitment from the parent (or perhaps the stepparent) can result in a child losing their slot. It surely cant be that hard for an adult to understand that commitment is required. Each week, every week.

My DS was always missing sports on his Dads weekends. I'm not sure he resented it but he always commented that he missed out. Ex just wouldn't have it, it was his time to do as he wanted, which is true but I felt sad that he didn't include cheering his son on doing something he loved. Also odd as in our case my DH always did sporting events with DS (as he loved cheering him on), so I found it weird that ex was happy with that.

DS is now 17 and for the last year only goes to his Dads when he's free, so that isn't often as he knows his Dad won't take him to rugby. It's really not helped their fragile relationship

Forgot to add - any activities that would impact Ex's weekends were always pre agreed, he just decided when it came to it it wasn't going to happen

Ex just wouldn't have it, it was his time to do as he wanted

This always gets me. Isn’t it what his ds wanted.

As a parent we might not like standing on the touch line of a football pitch on a cold Sunday morning or ferrying children around to activities on a Friday night when you just want to put your feet up. But you do it because that is what parents do.