Should parents treat step children and their grandchildren the same?

[StrawberryWhatsUp]

For example, if you were married to someone with children and had your first child with them also. Would you expect your parents to treat your step children exactly the same as they do their biological grandchild?

Not necessarily talking about being nice/kind/talking to them when visiting as that's obviously standard but things like sleepovers, days out, taking them on holidays, present buying on birthdays or Christmas, being more interested or asking more, say in their achievements etc...?

If the step children had two involved parents and sets of grandparents on both dad's and mum's side already.

YABU - all should be treated the same.

YANBU - it's expected that grandparents will favour their grandchildren in some ways.

My family treated my SD exactly the same as all the other children. She was, however, with us fulltime (court ordered), and when me and her dad divorced she was with me fulltime(again, court ordered), so that probably was why she was seen as "one of our own".

I think this situation is complex and there isnt an obvious answer. It may depend slightly how often the step children are with your family. If they were always with you vs see them every other weekend I might expect a difference in how much grandparents perceive them as one of their own. I think including them by giving gifts as your mother does now is great. It does sound like it would be weird for them to holiday with your mother, especially if they already have their own grandparents. I guess it depends what everyone in the situation wants a bit.

I think it would be nice for step children to be treated as equal but not an expectation. I also think there's a difference between if the step child lives with the step grandparents child, or if they have them visit.

For example my eldest DS is my DH's step child. We've been together since he was 2, living together since he was 3. My fil has always treated DS like his grandson, but that's probably because we live as a family, DH treats DS as his own. I imagine if DS lived with his Dad and we just saw him EOW or something then fil may have a slightly different view - probably because he'd be less likely to see him.

I think it’s totally natural for grandparents to favour their biological grandchildren over step-grandchildren. Unless of course step-grandchild came into their life as a baby/toddler and had no other grandparents.

It’s much harder for grandparents to bond with step grandkids than their own.

It would depend entirely on various factors, such as whether the SGC had their own grandparents and whether they lived with the step-parent full-time. If there were no other grandparents involved and they were there most of the time, it would be nice (and healthiest) for the grandparents to treat them the same as much as possible. If there were other grandparents or they were not there very much, I think it's fine for the grandparents just to take a friendly interest. I'd always try to give at least a small present for birthdays and Christmas though... it's important for children to feel special and thought about.

Day to day an acknowledgement at Christmas and birthdays yes. Holidays,sleepovers, inheritance No.
I'd do my upmost to be inclusive of both in every day situations.

Surely it depends on the situation. If the step kids for example don't have contact with their other bio parent and extended family then yes I'd definitely include them. Imagine leaving them at home while the bio grandkids get taken out for a treat! You'd have to be a real nasty peace of work to do that.

If on the other hand the step kids are already older when they joined the family and have a strong link with their other extended family from their other parent then it's naturally going to be different.

Yanbu. No I wouldnt spend the same amount on my nephews as I would my sisters step daughter. She is lovely but no. I love my nephew like he is mine (my sisters son). If he slept over I wouldn't invite the step child too. They only see her at weekends! So i basically never see her.

My step sister never slept at my nans or came on holiday when my nan took me.

It really depends on the situation but seems a very difficult thing to achieve equal treatment for all children.

Consider a situation like this:
Parent A - Parents are divorced + both remarried.
Parent B - Parent are married
Parent C- Parents are divorced + both remarried.
Parent D - Parent are married

Parent A and B have Child 1. They divorce.
Parent C and D have Child 2. They divorce.

Parent A marries Parent C. Child 2 lives with them and visit Parent D. Child 1 Lives with Parent B and visits Parents A & C.

Child 1 has the following grandparents:

• Parent A's Mum & Stepdad and Parent A's Dad and stepmum.
• Parent B's Mum and Dad.
• Parent C's Mum & Stepdad and Parent Cs Dad and stepmum.

Child 2 has the following grandparents:

• Parent A's Mum & Stepdad and Parent A's Dad and stepmum.
• Parent D's Mum and Dad.
• Parent C's Mum & Stepdad and Parent Cs Dad and stepmum.

Parent B's parents win the lottery - 45 million! They have a relationship with parent A & B's child but have never met their step siblings. They buy their grandchild a brand new car. If all children must be equal, then the argument follows the grandparents must buy a car for the step siblings too?

Equal treatment seems to be a very hard outcome to achieve.

My husband has half siblings. It is notable that his father rarely referred to them when my husband was young (he lived with his mother). He is now married to someone who was adopted (husband's dad's wife adopted) they don't have children themselves. He definitely treats MY children differently my husband has two step daughter's. My husband has had a word as has my (step) MIL because they are part of my husband's life and family.

Conversely my husband's mum treats all of the children the same (step grandchildren and grandchildren) but she does treat ours different to the children of husband's half sister.

The parents of the step mother in law and the parent of the step father treat ALL of the children and grandchildren as a happy bundle and very much the same.

My parents treat their only grandchildren reasonably similarly although they didn't warm to my youngest straight away and seem still uncomfortable and but by that I remarried. They prefer my abusive ex to my supportive caring husband. Though they are noticing he is more of a dad than the ex will ever be. The ice is melting.

Lots of scenarios there! Sorry if it got confusing.

I would say on a day to day basis and when it comes to gifts it would be kind to treat them both the same. Similar to sleeping over if the SC are together with biological children and not at the other parents or grandparents house. So for example if the step child was for the weekend the children get treated identically. Any preferential treatment is done when SC are not there and can't feel hurt and left out.

Interest wise I can't see how anyone could be so hard hearted and not show genuine interest in the hobbies and interests of the SC. That is the least that can be done for any child for the adults in their life to show the most basic level of care and love.

Inheritance that is a different issue. Of course it would be nice if they got a small token amount or sentimental item but it certainly would not be an expectation.

No I don't think they do need to be treated equally, in the situation OP explains.

So these DSC have two sets of grandparents, both dad's and mum's and two involved parents. They barely know OPs mother, have met her a handful of times by the sounds of it and don't think of her as their grandma.

I would expect children of these ages to understand that they don't share the same grandparents as their half sibling and therefore their half sibling may see said grandparent more, sleepover, holidays, more gifts for Christmas and birthdays etc... Just like they do with their own grandparents.

Treating people fairly and treating people equally is not the same thing.

Being kind and interested when your mother sees them is enough imo. She should not be obliged to think of a treat them exactly the same as her grandchild.

I also don't think it's absolutely terrible for children to get more presents at Christmas etc... My step children go to their mum's house and are spoilt rotten there by their mum and her parents. They then often come to us and tell us all about their presents and day etc... (Which is fine!), So why is it okay for my child to sit and listen to that but it's not okay for my step children to see my child get a bit more than them from their grandparents in the same way?

There is nothing wrong with teaching children these things. I think adults cause more of the fuss than anyone else tbh. My step children understand perfectly well that they don't share the exact same family as their half sibling. No one is rocking in a corner, scarred for life because they went for a sleepover or on holiday with my mum or dad without them, who they don't even see as a grandparent.

It's very different to meeting a child at 1 years old for example, who doesn't have any other grandparents and therefore sees the step parents mum and dad as their own GPs. It's an entirely different situation.

How you feel (your bond and closeness) about someone will invariably affect how you treat them.

So if it's acceptable for a SM/SDad not to feel the same about the SC as their own DC, then I don't see why Grandparents should be made to feel bad for not treating them the same.

This is not a situation if their choosing, but their son or daughter's.

If a GP does treat them the same, it should be seen as a bonus, rather than an expectation.

However, someone mentioned upthread that where the woman has SC from a previous relationship, she often expects equal treatment from the PILS and the PILS are branded as mean, vile and other such words. There are suggestions that if the PILS don't take all children for a sleepover, they should not be allowed to take the others.

Even if a woman came into the relationship with a very young child, just because her DH takes the child as his, does not mean his parents are obliged to do the same.

I also don't go with the argument of 'it depends if the child already has one/two sets of GPs in their lives. Whether they do or don't, does not mean the Stepgrandparents must then treat SGC the same as their biological GC for that reason.

That would be the same as saying if your SC doesn't have an involved DM, you have to treat them like your own.

I'm not suggesting they should be unkind to the SGC or give gifts to their GC, while the SGC are there, but expecting or demanding equal treatment, whether the child lives with you full time or not is unreasonable IMO.

@SandyY2K. I agree with you to a certain extent but the children need to be protected. If there is a step-child and the parents have another child together, but ultimately both children live in the same house, are treated as siblings in everything else and their parents make no distinction between them, it would of course be fine for the grandparents to have a preference for their own grandchild. But if that came out as unequal treatment which made the step-child feel "lesser", I would as a parent look to minimise contact with the grandparents to protect the step-child and the sibling relationship. It is up to the grandparents and parents to deal with the relationship sensitively.

I'm so surprised by this thread. Step-children shouldn't be treated as family because they aren't?!

How surprised can you be at a thread you clearly haven't read?

My parents only had one grandchild who was in their early 20s when I acquired three much younger stepchildren. They were beyond delighted to have three more grandchildren they never expected and treated them accordingly for the rest of their lives. The kids called them Granny and Grandad.

Eventually my two stepsons joined their step brother in carrying their coffins. None of them were left money in their wills. I passed some money down and they all got the same.

It’s very unlikely I’ll ever have “blood” grandchildren but I cherish my step grandchildren.

My step daughters bio grandparents have split up and recoupled, as have her parents.
There are more than enough grandparenty type people in the scene without my parents getting too involved, a line has to be drawn somewhere.
They are just Yousees mum and dad who give a gift at birthday and Christmas and are nice to her when they see her. And that’s fine.

Personally yes. I have ds2 with dp and ds1 from past relationship. Ds1 was 2 when got together. Dps mum treated both children equally from the start however his father and step mum did not for a long time. I told them if they couldn't treat them the same don't bother. For the record I practice what I preach. My brother has 2 children with different mums. His youngest has an older half sibling. I have never met her as they live a long way away and she stays with her nan through choice when they visit. However I always treat her the same for birthdays and Christmas. When me and dp get married she will also be asked if she wants to be involved in the wedding along with my other nieces.

His youngest has an older half sibling. I have never met her as they live a long way away and she stays with her nan through choice when they visit. However I always treat her the same for birthdays and Christmas. When me and dp get married she will also be asked if she wants to be involved in the wedding along with my other nieces

That's lovely of you but I think it's such an OTT expectation to have. I'd not expect to treat a child I'd never even met before the same as my own nieces and I'd think someone was ridiculous for suggesting I did personally.

In my family, it seems to make a difference where the step child lives. My step grandparents were just my grandparents - I was never ever made to feel any different to any of the grandchildren. I lived with dsm (their daughter) full time though.
My dsd is quite a bit older than my dc, always lived with her mum and came to us most weekends and some of the holidays. My parents have financially treated her the same as my dc and they're very kind to her but they've rarely taken her for days out or had her overnight (maybe once or twice when she and my oldest were both quite small). My brother's step child lives with them and my parents seem much more involved.
It's lovely is grandparents can treat them all the same. We had amazing step grandparents who added so much to our lives. As a child, I'm not sure I would have understood them treating us differently to our siblings or cousins.

I am a bit surprised by the vote. On our family all step children are equal. It would be weird if they were treated differently - like second class citizens.

I am a bit surprised by the vote. On our family all step children are equal. It would be weird if they were treated differently - like second class citizens

You can only be surprised by this if you think every family is exactly the same as yours, and you can't comprehend that other families are different.

(and I bet in your family SC are often treated differently anyway, you just don't notice it)

We are biologically programmed to love and protect our own blood offspring above others. It's not rocket science.

I would hope to always be kind, thoughtful and welcoming towards step grandchildren etc but couldnt possibly love them the way I would my own.

I’d say it depends on ages. My new partner has a 16 year old daughter. I wouldn’t expect my parents to do anything more than token cards for her. I have a 10 year old, again I’d not expect much from new DPs parents. However my sis married her DH when my niece was 1 and DHs parents treat niece and my sisters younger son (where DH is his dad) exactly the same.