Should parents treat step children and their grandchildren the same?

[StrawberryWhatsUp]

For example, if you were married to someone with children and had your first child with them also. Would you expect your parents to treat your step children exactly the same as they do their biological grandchild?

Not necessarily talking about being nice/kind/talking to them when visiting as that's obviously standard but things like sleepovers, days out, taking them on holidays, present buying on birthdays or Christmas, being more interested or asking more, say in their achievements etc...?

If the step children had two involved parents and sets of grandparents on both dad's and mum's side already.

YABU - all should be treated the same.

YANBU - it's expected that grandparents will favour their grandchildren in some ways.

Maybe an element of this is the background you are from and whether you have much exposure to blended families. There are none in my wider family or DHs. Neither of us had friends growing up with divorced parents or step siblings. Its something rather unusual to us and I just can't imagine it really.

Hard to say when there are so many different set-ups. My partner's children came to my parents for Christmas 2019. They were treated exactly the same as my sister's boys, including presents. My parents have also paid for all of us to go on holiday. The previous year the children went to the other step grandparents and they felt like second class citizens. They had a really shit time. It's hard enough for them to be separated from one of their parents at Christmas without the added upset. It was heartbreaking tbh.

With my ex I had children from a previous relationship.

His parents went as far as they could, but our child was their only grandchild and they wanted to splurge out on him for Christmas and birthdays. I would never have expected, or wanted them to do the same for my other children. He had sleepovers there and so the presents remained at GP house. My other kids knew they were not their GP and were grateful for the gifts and involvement they did have with them. They never felt left out, or upset as they knew they had their own GP that their sibling didn't see.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

Maybe an element of this is the background you are from and whether you have much exposure to blended families. There are none in my wider family or DHs. Neither of us had friends growing up with divorced parents or step siblings. Its something rather unusual to us and I just can't imagine it really.

I think this is very true. My grandma was my step grandma but only in name - she was very much my grandma. I actually didn't realise she wasn't biologically related to me until my teens when Dad told me that his mum had died when he was a young child and grandma had brought him up - showed how she didn't treat us any differently to her daughters children.

As I said up the thread, my DS1 is treated like an equal by my in laws, DH and my BIL. There just is no difference between my children - at least they're not treated differently.

I'd like to think if either of my children end up with step children then I'll treat them as well as I will do my biological grandchildren. That's just my hope though, I understand if others don't do it for whatever reason.

In theory one wouldn’t be expected to treat all the children the same. However in practice, in what situation would any normal person not treat the children the same. Would a normal decent human being really arrive on Christmas Day with presents of obviously different values? Would grandparents really plan a fun sleep over but not invite all the children? Or offer to babysit so mum and dad can go out but say they won’t have all the children, only some?! I just can’t see it. I would certainly be treating all children the same, because I have a normal amount of empathy and so can imagine it would be hurtful if I ever treated these children like second class citizens because I don’t share genes with them

I would certainly be treating all children the same, because I have a normal amount of empathy and so can imagine it would be hurtful if I ever treated these children like second class citizens because I don’t share genes with them
There’s a whole lot of places on the road between “second class” and “child of the extended family but not my actual grandchild”.
People with normal amounts of empathy ought to be able to observe that not all relationships are the same in different families.

My SMIL treats DH & our DC like family. Everyone is treated the same in terms of gifts and how birthdays are celebrate, if there’s a family holiday everybody is invited and everyone is treated the same so on holiday everyone gets to stay in a villa paid for by FIL & SMIL.

As a result the DC both SMIL’s & FIL’s & their shared DC are very close.

My older DC send SMIL birthday and Christmas gifts because they love her my younger DC call SMIL grandma and we always give her gifts from them as well.

SMIL gave us advice when my older DC was having problems at school.
She sent my DD a good luck card when she was sitting her GCSE’s.
All in laws are interested and very encouraging towards the DC. When DH was showing off that DD (at a young age) could count to ten and I rolled my eyes and said she hasn’t got a clue what she’s saying. SMIL insisted she did and that she was really clever.

I wouldn’t expect anything beyond the kindness and affection they show us.

At our wedding we worked towards ensuring both SMIL & MIL could’ve attends and both were treated the same with corsages etc. Although SMIL had tried to bow out. DH had insisted she be there. Which I think meant a lot to both SMIL & FIL.

I adore both my MIL’s and FIL. The grandchildren love them all very much.

@Holly60

In theory one wouldn’t be expected to treat all the children the same. However in practice, in what situation would any normal person not treat the children the same. Would a normal decent human being really arrive on Christmas Day with presents of obviously different values? Would grandparents really plan a fun sleep over but not invite all the children? Or offer to babysit so mum and dad can go out but say they won’t have all the children, only some?! I just can’t see it. I would certainly be treating all children the same, because I have a normal amount of empathy and so can imagine it would be hurtful if I ever treated these children like second class citizens because I don’t share genes with them

It very much depends on ages imo.

My step children are well old enough to understand this. They were older kids when they met my parents and they have only met them a handful of times, there is a large age gap between them and my DC. Quite honestly if I told them they were going for a sleepover at my Mum's house they'd be like... Why? They just do not see her as a grandmother at all, she is just Max's Mum, they like her, she gets them a few little things on birthday and Christmas but they are perfectly old enough and capable of understanding that her relationship with my DC is different, she is their grandma like they have their own grandma.

If they were toddlers I imagine it would be quite different.

But no, I don't see why an older child or teen can't be expected to understand the differences between family relationships.

I'm not going to expect my mum to spend £100 on 2 other older kids she barely knows just because she spent that much on my young child, her only grandchild and I honestly don't think my SC would expect it either, they aren't stupid, they understand perfectly why and that the have their own GPs.

If they'd have met my parents at 1yr old and seen them as their grandma and grandad that would be different.

I would hope to always be kind, thoughtful and welcoming towards step grandchildren etc but couldnt possibly love them the way I would my own

This makes me kind of glad I haven’t got my own. I can’t envisage that it would be possible to love anyone more than I do my beautiful little step grandaughter.

So in my particular situation where the kids were older and they don't see my parents as their grandparents at all...

Would a normal decent human being really arrive on Christmas Day with presents of obviously different values?

We don't really see grandparents on Christmas day so I imagine gift giving would be done separately but yes I imagine value would be different, especially as our DC gets older and they are into more expensive things.

Would grandparents really plan a fun sleep over but not invite all the children?

Yes, they barely know my mum and dad really, why would they go for a sleepover at her house?

offer to babysit so mum and dad can go out but say they won’t have all the children, only some?!

My parents probably would watch all the kids if necessary yes but I think it would be more likely that they'd babysit when my DSC were at their mums anyway so they only had our DC.

@VinylDetective

I would hope to always be kind, thoughtful and welcoming towards step grandchildren etc but couldnt possibly love them the way I would my own

This makes me kind of glad I haven’t got my own. I can’t envisage that it would be possible to love anyone more than I do my beautiful little step grandaughter.

When did you meet her? I'm sure it's easier to form a GParental bond and love when meeting a 1yr old than it is meeting a 10 year old.

When did you meet her? I'm sure it's easier to form a GParental bond and love when meeting a 1yr old than it is meeting a 10 year old

I held her when she was four days old. I’ve known her dad since he was seven. So, you’re right.

@VinylDetective

When did you meet her? I'm sure it's easier to form a GParental bond and love when meeting a 1yr old than it is meeting a 10 year old

I held her when she was four days old. I’ve known her dad since he was seven. So, you’re right.

I think that would be quite common tbh. If you're heavily involved from day one it's quite different in my opinion.

That's why it's too hard to give a blanket response to this. Far too many variables, no one size will fit all.

Although I think you're talking about something different to OP.

OP is the step mum, she is referring to her parents and how they treat her step children i.e. her husbands children.

If I understood your comment correctly, you're referring to your step child's child? So you're married to their grandfather?

Last Christmas they got a new Xbox from their grandparents on mum's side. So say if my mum is wanted to buy our DC something of the same value, should she also have to spend that on my SC too? Even though they get lots of presents from their grandparents

No I wouldn't expect your parents to buy the SC expensive gifts. It's natural they will be excited by their first grandchild and they may enquire over your DH's children abs even perhaps buy them small gifts when they are around but they probably don't and shouldn't feel obligated to do the same for the SCHOOL.

SC not school

YANBU in this context.

My mother treats my DSS the same but he hasn't seen his BM since he was 4 (and before that it was only monthly supervised contact) and he was only 14 months when I got with my DH and now 10 so it's different to most situations. If I split with my DH and got with a new man who had children and they had a mother who was involved and a whole other family I wouldn't expect my mother to treat them the same. It depends on the situation. Would expect her to be nice to them and not give big gifts infront of them.

@MaxThePasta

Although I think you're talking about something different to OP.

OP is the step mum, she is referring to her parents and how they treat her step children i.e. her husbands children.

If I understood your comment correctly, you're referring to your step child's child? So you're married to their grandfather?

I am indeed married to Grandpa but my parents treated their three bonus grandchildren in exactly the same way as their own grandchild. It was really touching to see how much they loved them.

Maybe I’m over sensitive to this topic but you don’t see SC as “family?”

No. They're not. But then, I wouldn't even date anyone who already had kids when I was childfree. Didn't want to even get into that whole blended family dynamic. If I found out the guy had a kid I ended things asap.

You can only be surprised by this if you think every family is exactly the same as yours, and you can't comprehend that other families are different.

Very true.

@14:30MessAllOver

But if that came out as unequal treatment which made the step-child feel "lesser", I would as a parent look to minimise contact with the grandparents to protect the step-child and the sibling relationship.

To a point I agree. I wouldn't want a child to feel that way at all...but.....it's all about managing expectations and children also need to have expectations managed via their parents and should be done in an age appropriate way.

So for example if a GC was going on a day out with their GP, as a parent, I would take my child (the SGC) out and have a nice fun day with them, so they didn't feel they were missing out. It's up to the parent, to not make the child feel they've been so hard done by and treated like a second class citizen.

I don't expect any GP to do things like openly shower their GC with gifts in presence of the SGC. That would be cruel and should be done discreetly, not to flaunt it in their faces.

It's like I might offer to take my niece/nephew out, but not the younger siblings. I'd hate for my Dsis to say you have to take all or none of them.

If the GP doesn't feel a bond with the SGC and wants to spend some quality time alone with their own GC, without the SGC that's not a bad thing.

I'd much rather things cane naturally and from the heart, than demanding and dictating that GP treat SGC the same or withdrawing contactand going NC, when if the relationship between the parents ends they likely wouldn't see them again.

Two different situations in my family. Both of my DBs had stepchildren and subsequently divorced. Wife one stopped all family contact with step children, whom we adored and treated as family. It was heartbreaking to lose them and (especially for DB) there being nothing that could be done.
DB2 was allowed to still have contact and never differentiated between his biological and step children, even once they divorced. His now ex-step daughters (is that even a thing) still call him dad. He and his now wife are nanny and gramps. They have a lovely family dynamic, most of which is not through a biological link.
I can understand some families being wary as the family tie can so easily be taken away. I’d never treat a child any child differently but this question can throw up many different situations.

Pumpkinpied Your poor brother, this is my biggest fear.

My partner’s parents and extended family were very nice to my elder child when he was actually in front of them. .. but God it was soon very obvious he was not their grandchild. We popped round once to drop something off and all of the grandkids ( and cousin’s sons , one of whom was exact age as my boy) were having a party. They were nice to my son but never would have treated him as one of theirs.
When they died their estate was just under a million because of buying a slum in the 60s in London that became trendy. Their children inherited nothing but the estate was divided between their grandchildren including my younger son. The family with three children inherited disproportionately.
The reason their own sons didn’t inherit was they didn’t want my elder son to benefit by default potentially half a century later.
While I wouldn’t expect them to leave my son an inheritance like his (half) brother I cannot believe they were so calculating as to bypass a generation to achieve what they did.

@MaxThePasta

So in my particular situation where the kids were older and they don't see my parents as their grandparents at all...

Would a normal decent human being really arrive on Christmas Day with presents of obviously different values?

We don't really see grandparents on Christmas day so I imagine gift giving would be done separately but yes I imagine value would be different, especially as our DC gets older and they are into more expensive things.

Would grandparents really plan a fun sleep over but not invite all the children?

Yes, they barely know my mum and dad really, why would they go for a sleepover at her house?

offer to babysit so mum and dad can go out but say they won’t have all the children, only some?!

My parents probably would watch all the kids if necessary yes but I think it would be more likely that they'd babysit when my DSC were at their mums anyway so they only had our DC.

I’m coming from the perspective of a grandparent though, and I’m saying I personally would never arrive on Christmas Day and give children presents of different values.

I would always INVITE all children to a fun sleepover, with the full understanding that any of the children can say they’d rather not.

And I would offer to babysit when it suited the parents rather than when it suits me (I.e when the SC are away)

But that’s just me (and my family)

@EWAB

While I wouldn’t expect them to leave my son an inheritance like his (half) brother I cannot believe they were so calculating as to bypass a generation to achieve what they did.

I guess this was the only way for them to ensure their inheritance went to blood family.

If they left it to their son, then you could survive him (and inherit) and not give a penny to their biological GC.

This is what has happened with stepfamilies and blood relations get nothing and people are trying to ensure their wealth doesn't go outside their lineage.

If they sought legal advice, this could well be the advice they were given to ensure their heirs received their inheritance.