Should parents treat step children and their grandchildren the same?

[StrawberryWhatsUp]

For example, if you were married to someone with children and had your first child with them also. Would you expect your parents to treat your step children exactly the same as they do their biological grandchild?

Not necessarily talking about being nice/kind/talking to them when visiting as that's obviously standard but things like sleepovers, days out, taking them on holidays, present buying on birthdays or Christmas, being more interested or asking more, say in their achievements etc...?

If the step children had two involved parents and sets of grandparents on both dad's and mum's side already.

YABU - all should be treated the same.

YANBU - it's expected that grandparents will favour their grandchildren in some ways.

I think it depends a little on the age of the step children, too. If they're older, they will understand completely that they don't have the same parent/grandparents as the other siblings in the house, and that obviously changes things. It's like you wouldn't expect a teenager to accept a new partner as a mum/dad even if they don't have another parent in their life, but if it was a younger child they might even end up calling them mummy or daddy.

But after that, it's up to the grandparents. It goes without saying of course that yeah, they should be kind to all of the children when they see them, but I don't agree that they should have to treat their SGC exactly the same. My grandparents bought my brother and me new cars a few years ago, so should they have had to buy my older stepbrother one too, despite the fact he has active grandparents in his life?

There's no 100% right or wrong in this kind of thing, as each situation will be so different, but as a general rule I don't think GPs should automatically have to treat SGC the same, no. I think taking on SC is a big decision you make when you date someone with children, but that's your decision, and not really fair to force them on your parents.

That being said, my parents are always really nice to my partner's son, but they certainly don't spoil him because all 4 of his grandparents do that already!

I’m sorry too, I get a bit emotive about this! I completely agree that there are some utterly useless fathers out there whose contributions are laughable. I was more directing my comment to the posters saying that there is no time for their SDC to form relationships with their step grandparents etc as they only have EOW. It worries me how many women are willing to be party to that. Not putting the blame on them at all, the man is responsible for contact with his DC, but if I met a man willing to accept EOW it would have been a massive red flag.

I think realistically they'd only really be treated the same if they are a similar age and fully part of the same family. I have step and half-siblings and it does get very complicated. My grandparents, I think, treated us and my step-sibling all the same when they were there, but often we'd be there and they wouldn't. My grandparents were sometimes childcare for my mum, but my step-sibling had different arrangements.

As an adult, I'm as close to my step-sibling as to my actual sibling, but I've hardly met their own half-siblings. I stopped visiting my stepparent's parents once I was old enough to be left at home alone and rarely visited my half-siblings' grandparents. I don't think my grandparents ever met my (younger) half-siblings. Not only is it complicated – but it's also time-consuming for the kids!

I would never want my children to feel equal in my eyes to any step-siblings. I would be kind and caring if I had step-kids, do equal presents, treats and inclusive holidays etc but my children need to know they come before anything else.

@Nowhereelsetogo90

I’m sorry too, I get a bit emotive about this! I completely agree that there are some utterly useless fathers out there whose contributions are laughable. I was more directing my comment to the posters saying that there is no time for their SDC to form relationships with their step grandparents etc as they only have EOW. It worries me how many women are willing to be party to that. Not putting the blame on them at all, the man is responsible for contact with his DC, but if I met a man willing to accept EOW it would have been a massive red flag.

My DSC stay 3 days a week so nearly 50:50.

I said my mum didn't form much of a bond with them but that was really because the majority of the time they spend here is to see my husband. We tend to have them with us over most weekends.

My mum would come round every now and then to see us all but there wasn't any huge need for her to be visiting regularly.

Add to that the fact that their mum got funny once when I took them out with my mum on our own, it kind of just never developed past kindness when she happened to visit, but didn't go out of her way to visit all the time if that makes sense?

@MyCatHatesEverybody it’s an emotive subject for me too, as my DD lives with me, her DSD and DS. So her DSD is her dad... related or not, her DS is her sibling, half or not, and their grandparents are their grandparents, related or not, so it’s hard to read these children aren’t considered family in so many circumstances.

There's no 'should' about it.

My parents were step GP to my SDC. The SDC are 14/16 years older than their own GC and are not treated similarly at all.
However, I am now a SGP (from said SDC) and I have treated the GC as my own. Big difference is that I was there from the start, had already been step mum for 15 years.

What kind of man accepts EOW? And what kind of woman marries that man?

That's hardly fair. There are many, many parents, mothers included, who argue that it is in the kid's best interests to have a "main base". When they are young, especially, it is often thrown out that they should be with their mum and pushing for 50:50 would be for the benefit of the parent, not the child. It's a massive contradiction to then condemn men for accepting EOW.

It’s a bit tricky but not everything’s so black and white.

While I understand that biological DC/DGC might be treated better it’s absolutely shit being on the other side.

Both PIL remarried.

MIL and step FIL treat my kids the same (step FIL has his own DGC but his side of family doesn’t keep in touch with him)

FIL and stepMIL cherish the ground her DC and their offspring walk on while having zero interest in our family. We went NC because of that.

My not so “D” F apparently has married (nobody knows when) after being several years with his partner. She requested him to cut contact with his side of family which he obliged to.
I’m hearing on the grapevine my father’s not well and his DW has called his side of family asking for financial support. I hope they told her to get to fuck.

@Elizaaa

I couldn't treat children differently. If they all lived in the same household so were all together I couldn't rock up to take the biological ones out for the day and leave the others behind. That's just mean and unnecessary. Anybody that could do that must have something wrong with them imo.

So if GP's wanted to take their only grandchild out to a show and saved for the ticket as a special treat but could not afford to take out the 3 new step grand kids - what should they do?

Surely the parenting of these children will have led them to understand that they have different relations?

I was a step child from the age of 5. My half siblings had their own grandmother ( stepdad's mum). She did not treat me the same as them because I was not her grandchild. It was totally fine, even 5 year old me understood and totally accepted the difference.

@NC4NW123 the OP was at pains to point out in her first post that in the example she gives, the biological parents and grandparents are involved. What you might view as being fair might be taken badly by others as overstepping.

I'm very much reminded of the equality vs equity cartoon - there is no one size fits all "should" or "shouldn't" (aside from the fundamentals of being kind etc) because much will depend on the family dynamic as a whole.

It's a bugbear of mine when step mums and step dads are compared as if the set ups and expectations placed on them are equal when it's very rarely the case.

I totally agree with this and it’s a bugbear of mine too. For example I don’t like it how people place the same financial expectations on to stepmums just because stepdads choose to enter a home where an rp lives (mainly), and his income will go more towards the child than the stepmums will. The way some people go on, it’s like people think the stepmum owes some sort of compo because they’re not paying as much towards the stepchildren as the stepdad is, who the rp chose to have live with them.

@aSofaNearYou

What kind of man accepts EOW? And what kind of woman marries that man?

That's hardly fair. There are many, many parents, mothers included, who argue that it is in the kid's best interests to have a "main base". When they are young, especially, it is often thrown out that they should be with their mum and pushing for 50:50 would be for the benefit of the parent, not the child. It's a massive contradiction to then condemn men for accepting EOW.

That’s fine if you believe that a “main base” with their mother is best. There is a huge amount of research out there showing that (where both parents are involved, consistent and have a good co-parenting relationship) spending an equal or thereabouts time with each parent is the next best thing to a happy two parent household. Not everyone will agree and that’s ok. I totally respect that others will have a different opinion. But for me, personally, I couldn’t be with or marry a man who though that barely two days a week was adequate parenting.

What kind of man accepts EOW? And what kind of woman marries that man?
What a ridiculous point to make. There are hundreds of reasons why EOW is decided upon. In an ideal world we would all live near our kids and see them whenever the children need us. But life isn't like that.

@MyCatHatesEverybody yes my DD other family are also involved, why would that change how her step family behave towards her?

I'm so grateful that my SM parents took it upon themselves to treat me the sane as their granddaughter despite not being the most friendly people.

Of course they'd look after my half sister at times when they didn't look after me when I was with my mum but they treated me no differently when it comes to presents, holidays interest etc...

I already struggled to feel part of that family missing what was happening most of the time, making a difference would certainly have made me feel even more excluded.

We're now much older and I'm close to my half sister. She never once said that she thought it was unfair that her grand parents treated us the sane even though I had another two lots of grandparents.

Speaking as a stepchild, if it happens naturally then that's great. If it doesn't then that's just how it is. If my step-grandparents had had pressure put on them to treat me the same as my brother it would have been blindingly obvious and really uncomfortable for me as a child.

That’s fine if you believe that a “main base” with their mother is best. There is a huge amount of research out there showing that (where both parents are involved, consistent and have a good co-parenting relationship) spending an equal or thereabouts time with each parent is the next best thing to a happy two parent household. Not everyone will agree and that’s ok. I totally respect that others will have a different opinion. But for me, personally, I couldn’t be with or marry a man who though that barely two days a week was adequate parenting.

There is plenty of research done to support the opposite too, it is frequently referenced on MN when the 50:50 debate comes up. EOW is the most common arrangement I have encountered, and it's usually begrudgingly that the dad doesn't see them more

@bluebluezoo

Well exactly. You need to love them and treat them like your own children. You must involve them in your life, cut out any of your own family members who don’t treat them like your own. You must sacrifice your own holidays and luxuries if you can’t afford to, or the stepdc can’t be involved for some reason. Even if the stepdc go on holiday with their mum, your own kid can’t go without them.

But also you must remember you are not their mum, you have no right to get involved with parenting them or interfere in their upbringing. You must remember they have their own mum and their own family and you aren’t part of it. You’re just their dad’s wife.

This in buckets. And even more so for grandparents who are the focus of this thread. They must sacrifice for those step grandchildren but totally accept that they may never see them again if a relationship they have no sway or influence on fails. Obviously.

Treating children with consideration and care does not mean treating them the same. This is true whether a (grand)child is biological, adopted, or a stepchild.

I do think grandparents can end up in difficult positions and agree with pp that there are too many variables to make a blanket statement. There are going to be the factors of how much they see each other, the relationship with the parents, different needs and temperments of children, before getting to the step- part which adds in age on meeting, stability of that relationship, and additional relatives (as applies to the OP here, obviously not all step grandchildren have additional grandparents, just like not all stepchildren have an additional parent who is in the picture).

Both from biological and step-grandparents, I absolutely hated the 'treating them all equally' concept. I'm an individual and even as a child, I wanted to be seen as an individual. Sometimes that means others get something you don't, and sometimes that means you get something that others don't. I actually don't think you can care for them 'equally' if you treat all children the same.

My easy going now ex-step-sister was used as the standard by her family, which did not go well and left my siblings and I feeling uncared for and bothersome. How can disabled teens, as I and my brother were, be cared for is we're treated the same as someone without those needs? My paternal grandparents were similar -- not surprising when they had 20 grandkids to be buying and regularly caring for, but there were multiple incidents where we were given incredibly unsuitable gifts or taken to unsuitable events because we were to be treated the same. It didn't result feeling equally loved, it felt like they were buying in bulk, like we were a logistic problem to be solved.

My maternal family, who didn't do that, I never felt that way -- even when my brother and some of my cousins got cars and car repairs and all sorts (my uncle did up cars, my brother got a T-bird that was the envy of many of his friends) as teens. I don't drive, I hated when I tried to learn and I ended up medically unable to do so. I never felt like I was less loved because I didn't get that, even when it was a really visible difference between us.

@HumousWhereTheHeartIs

What kind of man accepts EOW? And what kind of woman marries that man? What a ridiculous point to make. There are hundreds of reasons why EOW is decided upon. In an ideal world we would all live near our kids and see them whenever the children need us. But life isn't like that.

Well I’m very grateful to be surrounded by people who arrange their lives around their kids and not the other way around. My DH would move heaven and earth for his DD and she comes first with everyone on both sides of her family. Sorry if that sounds negative towards people with other arrangements, I honestly do respect that everyone is different, but why have kids if they aren’t first?

dontdisturbmenow That’s obviously really nice for you and it all worked for everyone involved. But I still don’t see anything wrong with grandparents having more involvement with their own grandchildren and more interest in them.

My parents have always been very fond of my children’s older half sibling (now my ex stepchild just to be clear), but they have always had a much more active role in my children’s lives. My dad retired early, so he’s been able to pour so much time in to his grandchildren which I am so thankful for. When it comes to homework and projects he’s always showing a huge interest, when it comes to their school shows he’s always there, when it came to my children starting school he was always there to see them and he’d be snapping away taking photos. He takes them to school a lot and picks them up and he knows their routines and everything about them inside out. He offers to pay for things like school trips and he’s even helped out on my children’s school trips. He takes them to their hobbies and shows a very active interest in their hobbies. They get to go on holiday with them and to sleepovers and lovely days out. I’m very lucky to have such involved parents and so are my children.

Now, when I was with my ex there wasn’t the same interest and involvement or financial help from my parents when it came to my former stepchild.
Sure, they would buy birthday presents and Christmas presents and take them on some days out. And they would get in to conversations with the dsc about what they’ve been up to and how school is going etc... but really, that was it. And to be honest I think that was enough.

As a side note. My ex has always been a crap father, so my dad has always been very mindful about making up for where their dad has let them down. The dsc has their own grandparents and mum to make up for dad’s shortcomings. Plus the fact that my ex’s family has always favoured dsc, I guess my parents just thought ex’s parents were putting in that effort in dad’s place instead so why did they need to too, and so channeled their energy in to their own grandchildren and just kept their relationship with dsc polite and kind.

@NC4NW123 yes my DD other family are also involved, why would that change how her step family behave towards her?

Your family are obviously doing what works for you. No problem. That doesn't mean that all DC should be treated 100 % the same if for example it would mean one child having to share their only biological grandparents equally with step siblings who already have two sets of biological grandparents of their own. You seem very much focussed on the experience and perception of the step grandchildren as being the most important outcome here but what of the experience and perception of the biological grandchild? Why is it easier to rationalise to a child that their step siblings get the benefit of 3 sets of grand parents while they themselves only get one, compared with explaining to all the children that they'll get more from their biological grandparents than from their step grandparents?

polite and kind rather than hands on and involved if you get what I mean.