Should parents treat step children and their grandchildren the same?

[StrawberryWhatsUp]

For example, if you were married to someone with children and had your first child with them also. Would you expect your parents to treat your step children exactly the same as they do their biological grandchild?

Not necessarily talking about being nice/kind/talking to them when visiting as that's obviously standard but things like sleepovers, days out, taking them on holidays, present buying on birthdays or Christmas, being more interested or asking more, say in their achievements etc...?

If the step children had two involved parents and sets of grandparents on both dad's and mum's side already.

YABU - all should be treated the same.

YANBU - it's expected that grandparents will favour their grandchildren in some ways.

I think it really depends on the family. I have two DC from a previous relationship then I met my DH, we got married and a few years later had a child together. My MIL treats all three of them the same, considers them her grandchildren. I think it was more of an instant bond with my youngest because obviously she knew her from the day she was born but she knew my older two from a young age and they've grown her close over the years. I'd be shocked now if they were treated differently.

On the other hand I have a step mum and I'm close to her, I see her often but I only see her mum maybe a couple times a year. She's a lovely lady but I wouldn't consider her my grandma

I don’t think they are treated the same no.

If the relationship breaks down those grandparents/aunts/uncles are never going to see that child again unlike with biological they will still be family.

Yes they should get a birthday and Christmas gift and obviously shouldn’t be shoved out but I wouldn’t expect days out or sleep overs or even the same value gifts.

I don’t see my husband nieces and nephews as my family because if we divorced I’d never see them again because their his siblings children. My children would still see them but not me and it would be my Dhs job to get the cousin gifts not me.

I'm following this discussion with interest. My daughter has just got married to a man with two small children. They live with their mum but my sil and daughter have them every week and do school runs and the like.

We are delighted to have them as part of our family. However they do have two sets of involved grandparents and I don't want to step on any toes by spoiling them too much. I have bought their Christmas presents after checking with their mum that what I want to get is acceptable and not will continue to do so.

One thing I will be doing for them is getting them a particular toy that each of my children had as a baby and I promised I would buy for each of my grandchildren when they were born. Because they are part of the family even though they do not have biological link to my daughter.

When we have biological grandchildren I will continue to spoil the step grandchildren but holidays and the like will depend on how things unfold with the steps' family. With five children all determined to provide me with grandchildren I think spoiling will be quite modest for all of them so probably not too hard to keep it the same!

@Nowhereelsetogo90 the problem is not all children want/benefit from 50/50 care. My DH had his children Thu-Sun every single week (only 3 overnights hence why not 50/50 on paper, and no their DM actively did not want them on a weekend before anyone says it's unfair we got all the weekend time). As they grew older two of them hated the shuttling between houses so chose to stay at their mum's as it was the family home they'd grown up in and more spacious than ours. They came to us each week for family meals instead. The other 2 DC were happy between 2 houses and carried on splitting their time between homes. A 50/50 arrangement isn't necessarily putting your kids first - access should be tailored towards the children's needs.

@MyCatHatesEverybody perhaps that will change as they are older then but right now neither of them have any idea of what goes on when the other one isn’t around

but why have kids if they aren't first

Most people will obviously intend to live with their child full time and stay in their relationship, but in the event of splitting with the other parent have to put them first by not having them all or half of the time. As a pp mentioned, many children do not enjoy the chopping and changing of houses completely regardless of how good the relationship with both parents is.

I libe overseas. When i thought i might marry my ex, who she hadn't met (a widower, with 2 children) my mother was over the moon at the thought of two more grandchildren. And i loved her for that.

But I still don’t see anything wrong with grandparents having more involvement with their own grandchildren and more interest in them
As it's been said, it depends on the situation.

Saying that, it's I testing how the majority here stands that it is ok to differentiate, yet when it's been a SM posting that her husband parents treats her children (from a previous relationship) less favourably to his children, there is usually uproar and comments that they are shit, and all co contact should be ended with the few commenting that there's nothing wrong with it being shut down, so much double standards here.

Saying that, it's I testing how the majority here stands that it is ok to differentiate, yet when it's been a SM posting that her husband parents treats her children (from a previous relationship) less favourably to his children, there is usually uproar and comments that they are shit, and all co contact should be ended with the few commenting that there's nothing wrong with it being shut down, so much double standards here

I definitely don’t think that the husband’s parents should treat the sm’s children the same. And again, it works both ways. The sm’s parents shouldn’t have to treat the her husband’s children the same so no double standards from me.

The only time it annoys me is when the man is father to all of the children but his parents treat his first children more favourably, and everyone moans when the stepmum’s parents don’t treat both children identically. But the children’s own grandparents can’t even get that one right. It’s a common thing to happen.

I have bought their Christmas presents after checking with their mum that what I want to get is acceptable and not will continue to do so.

Why check with their mum and not their dad or your daughter? Surely he knows his kids as well as their mum does.

My parents treated SDD that same in terms of gifts, birthdays and treats but she never slept over, although my DC didn't either much! But that's as far as it goes.

@StrawberryWhatsUp

I think your mum given a small token would be really nice and make them feel included. Even something small

Yes she does and has done since we met, before she even met them actually! My grandma also gets them a little something every year for both birthdays and Christmas despite only meeting them once or twice.

The present situation was more hypothetical as my DC is only young. But was interested to know if people thought presents had to be the same in terms of value/size/amount etc...

That's great and really nice that your mums cares that much for them. I personally wouldn't have expected a large amount spent at all from SGP. I think it's more the thought that counts here. They have there own GPs to receive from.

We treat all ours just the same. Why shouldn’t we.

@dontdisturbmenow

But I still don’t see anything wrong with grandparents having more involvement with their own grandchildren and more interest in them As it's been said, it depends on the situation.

Saying that, it's I testing how the majority here stands that it is ok to differentiate, yet when it's been a SM posting that her husband parents treats her children (from a previous relationship) less favourably to his children, there is usually uproar and comments that they are shit, and all co contact should be ended with the few commenting that there's nothing wrong with it being shut down, so much double standards here.

I think that’s because those being outraged may will be stepmums theirselves looking at it for their child so of course they are outrage with the step grandparents.

I tend to just scroll by those threads as no point getting lynched for disagreeing.

My step dad's parents treated me the same as their biological grandchildren whenever we saw them.
I would like to think that people would behave in a reasonable manner towards step children and step grandchildren but reasonable can mean very different things to different people.

My step grandparents would give me money at the same time as giving their grandchildren money (same amount too)
My step dad gave his grandchildren money on multiple occasions while my kids were in the same room and they didn't get a Penny and were actually completely ignored.

Oh and my step grandparents and step Aunts and Uncles used to invite me up for holidays, even as an adult.

My step dad wouldn't take me on holidays.

@1DoesNotSimplyWalkIntoMordor did your own dad give your children money?

Because OP specifically mentioned she was talking about situations where the step grandchildren already have two involved parents and sets of grandparents on both dad's and mum's side already. In which case surely you'd just explain to your children "but you get presents from granny X and grandpa Y that step sibling doesn't get."

But yeah, he was shit to ignore them (also not the scenario mentioned in the OP).

I think it totally depends on the family set up.

My MIL is very similar to us and basically treats all the kids in our house the same. She actually has a really lovely relationship with my girls, and it's somehow more special for me to see because she didn't have to do it. She and my late FIL decided to leave a small gift to all of the children including my two girls in their wills and made it equal. Which is lovely.

Ds1 is technically my stepson. He is his Granny’s only grandchild and his Aunt’s only nephew. They both are very much part of our family and they do a lot with all of the children. They do occasionally spoil DS1 a bit more, his Granny paid for all his driving lessons for example, and they will leave him considerably more in their wills, but day-to-day and at Christmas, you can’t tell any difference.

My girl's Grandparents live 4 hours away so they don't have the same relationship with all the children as they spend much less time with them. My girls tend to travel to them so it just hasn't been the weekly or daily contact the other GP's have had. They do buy Christmas and birthday gifts for the other children. They've taken DS1 on day trips with them as he's close in age to the girls.

My dh’s family have always treated my son like their own grandchild , he’s even in their will and will get as much as the biological grandchildren .

I have a dsd and children with my partner, my mum is amazing and would never exclude her when she is around, but I know she doesn't feel the same (she never shows it though). My partners mum (grandma to all children) puts dsd on a pedestal in front of her other grandchildren. Blended families can be very tricky

I’d only expect equal treatment where a step parents had adopted them. Otherwise they have their own family.

I’d expect equal treatment on everything in the NRPs household.

It's really difficult to generalize, but I don't think there can be any expectation of equal treatment for Step children.

DC has 5 'grandmothers', my Mum, ex's mum, ex's Father's 2nd wife, SM's mother and SM's step mother... she barely knows 3 of them having seen them perhaps 5 times in nearly 10 years, yet DC has been close to my Mum since birth and spent lots of time together. The ''label'' doesn't fit the experience DC has if that makes sense? To add to the complexity DC has 4 grandad's as well. DC simply can't relate to all these people most of whom DC barely knows yet all are 'grandparents'. DC, now much older, describes their interactions as playing a 'part' that is expected (i.e. call them grandparents) yet it feels superficial / fake. This is despite DC knowing all since a little child. I wish they had considered how this might feel for DC. It's a lot to work out especially for a very young child, particularly one already trying to adjust to another 'Mum' and 'siblings' as well.

Blended families can be so complicated, I sincerely feel they work best with limited expectations and relationships are allowed to develop ( or not) naturally. This stands for Step Mums / Step Dads / step siblings etc. Its the expectations that make it hard. A ''nuclear'' family is just different to a step family, not in any way necessarily less just different. It seems unfair to impose 'notions' of what it 'should be'' as invariably unless this what happens it causes issues if everyone doesn't feel the same way.

@MyCatHatesEverybody My dad was in my life when I was a small child yet my step grandparents thought that it was reasonable to give me money at the same time as giving their own grandchildren money, yes they did all the other standard stuff when we saw them and bought me Christmas and Birthday presents/money right up to my 18th birthday.
Step Aunts and Uncles also treated me as family. Christmas and Birthday presents/money etc. They also did the same with my own children (so my children were step great grandchildren)

So I was the step grandchild as per the OP's question.

My dad wasn't around while my kids were growing up. My step dad thinks that it was reasonable not to treat my children the same as his own grandchildren even when they were there at the same time.

The point that I was trying to make is that what is reasonable is subjective even within the same family unit

I believe that they should be seen to be treating the child the same, the situation isn't the childs fault. However, I'm talking from the point of view that step grandchild is resident with their child. Such that it is a matter of respect for the family unit. I'm sure they would pull up the DIL/SIL if they were seen to be making any of the children feel uncomfortable or unaccepted. A lot of animals naturally care for other young within their tribes. I think the onus on biology is largely a social construct, some tribes around the world will share care without all of the anxiety that westernised overthinking causes. After all, we wouldn't take a friends child out and treat them differently. Though I'm a step-parent to 3 and a bio parent to one, I've always said one grew in my belly, the others grew in my heart a little later. But I have dealt with all the guilt of taking away from one to give to 3 (emotionally). I now just think they all just need the same, to know that they are loved and cared for and that they are worthy of parental or grandparental affection.

A stepchild will probably have grandparents of their own, and regardless of the circumstances of their parents separating, hopefully they will still be a part of their life. Though if you have (usually) a dad who has no contact, that will not always be the case.

So treating them in a different way for some things is not unreasonable to me, but with sensitivity.