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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think I need to have a word with lodger?

220 replies

beautifullybonkers · 04/10/2020 23:27

But of a long one but don’t want to drip feed information and think a bit of background might be useful.

Mid July we took in a new lodger. She seemed fine and moved here as had long term partner living locally. Few teething problems in her breaking a couple of things in the house and leaving her possessions all over (kitchen, lounge etc) but no big deal really although admittedly a bit irritating. Within a month she split up with partner and I supported her through break up. She is now 10 days into a new relationship and is spending most of the time outside the house with him. Within the first week of their meeting i received a late night text asking if he could stay over I had agreed previously to her long term partner staying one night a week but had asked her to be mindful that this was mine and my teenage son’s home and they needed to be respectful of thatcher . However I didn’t feel comfortable having a man I had never met and she had only known 4 days stay in my home so replied saying that and I had to consider my son and his well being. At this point I should point out that I have older children no longer living at home and would not have agreed to them having people they had known less than a week stay over either. She replied and said she understood but has said very few words to me since.

At 11 o’clock this evening she texted my teenage son who is in bed to ask if he could stay up to let her in as she has mislaid her keys. My son came to let me know as obviously I would hear him up when he should be asleep. He had texted back to say he would but I have told him no, he needs to go back to sleep, and I am now lying in my bed waiting for her to return so I can let her in. Incidentally she still hasn’t arrived back. AIBU to think she should not be texting my son when he is in bed to let her in, especially when he has to be up for school in the morning and has a paper round at 7am? Would it BU of me to speak with her about this and ask why she would text him and not me?

OP posts:
CateJW · 07/10/2020 07:58

Morning,

I had a number of lodgers a few years back and only allowed partners they had been dating a while, no bringing random hook ups back to the house. (And I didn't even have kids at that time)
I had 3 young women and one very socially nervous young man. 2 of the girls were a bloody nightmare and the room was disgusting. I had to kindly ask them to leave, as they were not a good fit. One, I had her bloody "boyfriend" of about 4 weeks drunken crying on my doorstep at 11pm, cos they had had a fallout and she had stormed off (but not come home) 🙄
It sounds like you need to give her notice.
Having people live in your home, is not the same as being a landlord. If you don't get a good fit, it just brings stress.

CateJW · 07/10/2020 07:59

PS. She sounds as if she would be better in a shared house with a couple of other young adults

rockchic65 · 07/10/2020 08:17

Hi I'm in a bit of a dilima (not sure if spelling) I took in a lodger 3 months ago the first 2 weeks if her staying here she commented on my nieces nails.basicaly my niece had nail varnish on and little bit of name up shes 10 .this was during lockdown however lodger told her she shudnt be wearing that stuff at 10 as it attracts boys and that she thinks she would be pregnant at 16.i was fuming so had a word with her.now its caused friction in family where they wont talk to her I dont blame them.thing is I'm in debt took lodger on to help pay my debts .the past 10 days I have cooked dinner and have noticed she has been helping herself to the food without asking .the last straw was yesterday I was cooking a paella and fed my kids and few others and put some by for my sister fir today. I came dwn and found most if it gone.i asked her if she taken it she said yes I went mad at her again told her to ask me first if you want some.im about to give her 28 days notice but still worried about my debts I still need to feed my kids

sapnupuas · 07/10/2020 08:22

I had a lodger once. I knew within weeks it was a mistake (asking for his rent/deposit back as he was broke) but I let him stay for 9 months.

Reader, things got worse. Much worse.

If she's already showing signs it won't work; get rid.

glowfrog · 07/10/2020 08:43

@rockchic65

Hi I'm in a bit of a dilima (not sure if spelling) I took in a lodger 3 months ago the first 2 weeks if her staying here she commented on my nieces nails.basicaly my niece had nail varnish on and little bit of name up shes 10 .this was during lockdown however lodger told her she shudnt be wearing that stuff at 10 as it attracts boys and that she thinks she would be pregnant at 16.i was fuming so had a word with her.now its caused friction in family where they wont talk to her I dont blame them.thing is I'm in debt took lodger on to help pay my debts .the past 10 days I have cooked dinner and have noticed she has been helping herself to the food without asking .the last straw was yesterday I was cooking a paella and fed my kids and few others and put some by for my sister fir today. I came dwn and found most if it gone.i asked her if she taken it she said yes I went mad at her again told her to ask me first if you want some.im about to give her 28 days notice but still worried about my debts I still need to feed my kids
If she's started to eat your food, she's now costing you money! Think of it that way...
MzHz · 07/10/2020 09:03

It’s true, things won’t get any better, only worse.

She needs to go @beautifullybonkers. Give her plenty of notice, maybe in a weeks time or so, but tell her that you don’t want her staying in your home any more.

MeridianB · 07/10/2020 09:53

@forrestgreen

Yes it's inappropriate to have gotten your sons mobile number. Which must have been done to bypass you at some point
I agree with this. The Covid aspect is also pertinent. She shouldn’t be bringing randoms into your house at all.

I agree with PPs who say this won’t get better and you’d get more peace of mind giving her notice now (before the festive season partying begins 🥳).

Margerine78 · 07/10/2020 09:56

I think its rude as hell expecting someone to wait up later than they would normally as you've lost your keys, unless she had no way of getting back to the house sooner - although it seems she wanted a night out and to be let in, and I'd imagine OP you'd think that was rude (understandably, so would I) so she's sidelined you to go to your son.

jentinquarantino20 · 07/10/2020 10:01

You sound very reasonable. She would be stupid to not take this warning seriously.

I personally couldn’t have someone living here with my children but everyone’s needs and situations are different, for me my issues with her are the fact she has your young sons number, the fact she lost your keys and most importantly, frolicking all night with new people during a global pandemic then coming into contact with you and your son. You agreed for her long term partner, you are far from being unreasonable by not letting others in your home, given they are the government guidelines and actually the law in some places now.

I personally would give her a month or so to find something else as you just aren’t suited. When I was young and single, I rented a room and felt like a naughty child hiding men in my room but there wasn’t a pandemic then and no children involved.

Burnthurst187 · 07/10/2020 10:04

A good friend of mine lives alone in a three bed house and has had lodgers for as long as I can remember. The last one was asked to leave as her b/f started staying over more than at his own place!

DP's aunt and uncle also have a lodger but are extremely wealthy, think both six figure salaries and £1M+ house. My friend and DP's relatives don't need the money in the slightest but decide to have strangers live in their house. I'll never understand it. You want to watch tv but you can't because there's a person in your lounge watching Towie

Kate139 · 07/10/2020 11:57

To be quite honest from reading all your post, maybe renting out a room in your house is not really suitable for you. This lady might be better off in a flat share with her equals!

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 07/10/2020 14:39

Many parents have lodgers once there children have left home. They generally house younger adults, often students. Language schools often advertise for short term accommodation from landlords/ladies. They often need more support and the rent reflects this. Some people in residential care go into lodgings - I'm not sure if that is typical for SS though. They may go for board and lodgings - where all meals are included in the agreement.

There are also older lodgers who stay only for the working week and return to their families at the weekends. This is mostly married men.

I've had older women lodge with me. I was fairly wild in my younger days and tolerant of most behaviour. I still had to kick three lodgers out because of their behaviour. There have been a few that I disliked but was able to tolerate. Most of my lodgers have been brilliant.

Lodgings are more suited for some people - especially those looking for temporary accommodation. Young adults that don't want to adhere to landlords/ladies rules would be more suited to house shares.

thebatman · 07/10/2020 16:07

Manipulative, overly confident, no boundaries, pushes her way into your company, jumps in at the deep end with relationships, I'm thinking Sociopath.

Fab018 · 08/10/2020 12:18

I had a very similar situation with my previous lodger, in the end I asked her to move out.
She sounds to me likes she's taking advantage of your good nature.

riceuten · 08/10/2020 18:43

@QuestionableMouse

I wonder if she planned to sneak the new fella in if your son had let her in?
Yeah, I thought that as well. That's why she didn't text you.

I'd have a word with her and say she's more than welcome to stay, but until you get to know the partner better, he's not going to be able to stay. When I was a lodger, I always asked permission for bringing partners over and made sure the landlady was happy with it. I think the child protection angle is a bit of a red herring, I'd be more worried about them running off with stuff, to be honest.

RLABC · 08/10/2020 20:19

How's things going OP Flowers

Ddot · 12/10/2020 18:24

Not sure about sneaking someone in, no proof. I personally am rather taken aback at her asking permission for new man to stay. He is new to her as well as you, it's not appropriate it's not done. I know it's old fashioned to get to know someone first but if she is so desperate to get her rocks off then she should pay for a bloody hotel.

Ddot · 12/10/2020 18:25

Fu*ing cheek treating your family home as a knocking shop

Ddot · 12/10/2020 18:28

Then again charge him £50 a night bbnb bed bunk up n breakfast hahahagaghaha sorry back to my first post, cheeky bugger

Petlover9 · 13/10/2020 04:41

@rockchic65 - Could you give her notice and get another lodger with references? Set boundaries at the beginning, a decent person will keep to your rules and not take food. Give them cupboard and fridge space and make it clear that the room rent does NOT include food. Can we have update please?

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