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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think I need to have a word with lodger?

220 replies

beautifullybonkers · 04/10/2020 23:27

But of a long one but don’t want to drip feed information and think a bit of background might be useful.

Mid July we took in a new lodger. She seemed fine and moved here as had long term partner living locally. Few teething problems in her breaking a couple of things in the house and leaving her possessions all over (kitchen, lounge etc) but no big deal really although admittedly a bit irritating. Within a month she split up with partner and I supported her through break up. She is now 10 days into a new relationship and is spending most of the time outside the house with him. Within the first week of their meeting i received a late night text asking if he could stay over I had agreed previously to her long term partner staying one night a week but had asked her to be mindful that this was mine and my teenage son’s home and they needed to be respectful of thatcher . However I didn’t feel comfortable having a man I had never met and she had only known 4 days stay in my home so replied saying that and I had to consider my son and his well being. At this point I should point out that I have older children no longer living at home and would not have agreed to them having people they had known less than a week stay over either. She replied and said she understood but has said very few words to me since.

At 11 o’clock this evening she texted my teenage son who is in bed to ask if he could stay up to let her in as she has mislaid her keys. My son came to let me know as obviously I would hear him up when he should be asleep. He had texted back to say he would but I have told him no, he needs to go back to sleep, and I am now lying in my bed waiting for her to return so I can let her in. Incidentally she still hasn’t arrived back. AIBU to think she should not be texting my son when he is in bed to let her in, especially when he has to be up for school in the morning and has a paper round at 7am? Would it BU of me to speak with her about this and ask why she would text him and not me?

OP posts:
Mariola321 · 05/10/2020 03:36

Yes you need professional who works away in week although usually.that is a man. She maybe bit cheeky but every girl in 20s wants to shag boyfriend let' be honest.

Okokokitsout · 05/10/2020 03:41

I agree that you're not a good fit for having a lodger. In my experience most people want the money but don't want another person in their home. Don't involve her in your life then judge her behaviour - eg her over confidence. Let her find a more suitable living arrangement.

TheFuckingDogs · 05/10/2020 07:15

Weird hostility to the OP here.
A lodger situation is completely different to a shared house and will be reflected in price etc
Lodgers are generally expected to fit into the lifestyle of the household they live with to an extent. The OP doesn’t sound controlling - re the partner (new or old) staying over there has to be boundaries otherwise a lodger could end up with a partner over constantly and this wasn’t the initial agreement.
Texting OPs child to let her in late on a school night completely unacceptable to their family life and needs to be discussed.
It sounds like the OP is normal though and is just going to have a conversation with the lodger - unlike yesterday’s smelly flat share thread where the flat share seemed incapable of just conversing with someone nicely to sort issues out 🙄

Tadpolesandfroglets · 05/10/2020 07:22

Is it okay to bring someone back to stay after knowing them for 4 days during covid? I don’t know if I would be happy with that even if it was a member of my family doing it.

LigPatin · 05/10/2020 07:31

Get rid, life's too short to be in any way uncomfortable in your own home.

PegasusReturns · 05/10/2020 07:31

Draw a line under this one - give notice and move on before it really gets you down.

Shopgirl1 · 05/10/2020 07:35

Is she back?

Pancakeorcrepe · 05/10/2020 07:43

Get rid of her, things are only going to get worse. She is a cheeky cow.
Some people are conflating tenant and flat share situations with being a lodger. They are completely different setups! And this will be reflected in the price the lodger is paying.

TweeBree · 05/10/2020 07:47

It's already a weird mess. I'd tell her it's not working out and ask her to leave.

Her texting your son is not normal. Imagine a 25-year-old man texting your teen daughter.

Shopgirl1 · 05/10/2020 07:49

Very out of line not coming back having asked a teenager to wait up for her.
Out of line asking the teenager also

GiraffeNecked · 05/10/2020 07:56

There’s people with really weird ideas of what being a lodger means! It’s not a tenant or houseshare.

It’s not compatible with your home life OP, get rid and find someone who is.

Limona · 05/10/2020 07:57

It’s unacceptable to text a teenager but I do think that perhaps indicates she’s not comfortable texting the OP, and I can see why.

This isn’t a straightforward YABU/YANBU. It isn’t unreasonable to have a boyfriend, sleep with that boyfriend or accidentally break something. The only unreasonable bit here really is the texting of the teenager.

cansu · 05/10/2020 07:57

I think it clearly won't work out but I think you are making this too personal and are setting yourself up as a kind of parent figure. As an adult I would not be happy about not being able to have a boyfriend stay over. When would you judge this relationship to be sound enough for her to be able to do this? She would be better off in a house share.

Brownbananabandana · 05/10/2020 08:00

Good point tadpoles, we’re in pandemic and she’s trying to bring strangers home for a shag... nope. But it opens up wider implications who knows how safe she’s being in general, is she wearing a face mask, socially distancing etc? If you can afford not to have her then I wouldn’t be rushing out to find a replacement after she leaves.

Scaraffito · 05/10/2020 08:02

friends have said there’s something slightly offensive about her confidence but can’t quite explain why.

A lot of people don't like confident women, or they feel they shouldn't be so confident for whatever reason.

Anyway, I would also give her notice, it sounds like the arrangement is no longer working. I don't think it's overly wild for a young person to want their partner to stay overnight, but in your setup absolutely not unreasonable to not be happy with it, it seems she has largely respected that; but time to go. Lodgers rarely work out to be honest, someone pays for the room obviously but they have to live within stricter rules, which is fair enough and absolutely as you're living alongside them they know the deal when they sign up. But like a PP has said, maybe a mon-fri let for someone working away but who has family elsewhere would be ideal maybe.

AuntyFungal · 05/10/2020 08:08

Why has the lodger got your teenage son’s phone number?

Very inappropriate.

Ginfordinner · 05/10/2020 08:11

Why does she even have your son's number? How old is your son?

Tappering · 05/10/2020 08:12

@AuntyFungal

Why has the lodger got your teenage son’s phone number?

Very inappropriate.

Yes I was also wondering about this.
silverbubbles · 05/10/2020 08:12

Texting your son is really overstepping the mark. Why does she even have his number? What else does she text him about?
I think it sounds like it is time for her to move on and find more suitable lodgings. Just tell her you have decided that you don't need a lodger in the house anymore due to covid.

TitsOutForHarambe · 05/10/2020 08:14

I think the only people who have disagreed with you are those who don't understand the difference between a lodger and a roommate.

BoggledBudgie · 05/10/2020 08:16

Ah yes, those offensively confident mid 20s women Hmm could it be you’re a bit threatened by her OP? You don’t like a single woman being a confident person in life? That’s perhaps a separate issue you want to explore.

You’re not suited to having a confident female lodger. You should definitely no longer have her stay.

WhereamI88 · 05/10/2020 08:18

I would give her notice. No amount of talking will sort this out.

KaptainKaveman · 05/10/2020 08:18

Can we have an update OP?

Limona · 05/10/2020 08:18

I don’t think the difference between a house share and a lodger is as dramatic as people seem to think it is, and I have done both.

Either way you do have to be respectful of someone else’s space but for the other party there also needs to be an acknowledgement that in a shared space sometimes there will be conflicting needs and wants.

When you boil it down, she has:

Broken things (no idea what, but it happens)
Had the temerity to leave things in the lounge
Lost her keys
Text the teenage son.

Out of all of those it’s only the last one that is unreasonable.

Chocaholic9 · 05/10/2020 08:19

I think if you're going to take her money, then this is what you can expect.

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