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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I need to have a word with lodger?

220 replies

beautifullybonkers · 04/10/2020 23:27

But of a long one but don’t want to drip feed information and think a bit of background might be useful.

Mid July we took in a new lodger. She seemed fine and moved here as had long term partner living locally. Few teething problems in her breaking a couple of things in the house and leaving her possessions all over (kitchen, lounge etc) but no big deal really although admittedly a bit irritating. Within a month she split up with partner and I supported her through break up. She is now 10 days into a new relationship and is spending most of the time outside the house with him. Within the first week of their meeting i received a late night text asking if he could stay over I had agreed previously to her long term partner staying one night a week but had asked her to be mindful that this was mine and my teenage son’s home and they needed to be respectful of thatcher . However I didn’t feel comfortable having a man I had never met and she had only known 4 days stay in my home so replied saying that and I had to consider my son and his well being. At this point I should point out that I have older children no longer living at home and would not have agreed to them having people they had known less than a week stay over either. She replied and said she understood but has said very few words to me since.

At 11 o’clock this evening she texted my teenage son who is in bed to ask if he could stay up to let her in as she has mislaid her keys. My son came to let me know as obviously I would hear him up when he should be asleep. He had texted back to say he would but I have told him no, he needs to go back to sleep, and I am now lying in my bed waiting for her to return so I can let her in. Incidentally she still hasn’t arrived back. AIBU to think she should not be texting my son when he is in bed to let her in, especially when he has to be up for school in the morning and has a paper round at 7am? Would it BU of me to speak with her about this and ask why she would text him and not me?

OP posts:
Flittingaboutagain · 05/10/2020 00:31

My first thought is why does your lodger have your son's number?

This and the whole vibe seems to indicate to me the boundaries are all over the place. I don't think I would have allowed any overnight guests at all from the start.

newnameforthis123 · 05/10/2020 00:33

She was definitely going to try to sneak him in IMO, texting your son as she thought he would be worried about saying no. Silly her, she had a lovely landlady who helped her through a breakup and she's fucked it! I would put her on notice.

Newmumatlast · 05/10/2020 00:40

@QuestionableMouse

I wonder if she planned to sneak the new fella in if your son had let her in?
This is what i came to say!
Ghosts2020 · 05/10/2020 00:46

Sorry but as much as it's 'your house' and annoys you, she has the legal right to have any visitor she wants for upto 3 nights a week. You don't really seem suited to having a lodger as you are treating it as a 'my house my rules' situation. I think cut your losses and let her find a more suitable landlord.

BeanieB2020 · 05/10/2020 00:48

It doesn't sound like you're a good fit for being a live-in landlord. You talk about how you wouldn't let your kids bring guests you don't know home and that's fine, but it's not really appropriate to dictate who a paying tenant can and can't bring to their home (while she is paying it is her home), nor can you expect a tenant not to leave their things in shared spaces. Shared housing isn't for everyone.

She should handle the key issue herself, but apart from that I don't see how she's done anything wrong. She's just living her life in the house she has paid to live in, and it sounds like you don't like her.

Elsewyre · 05/10/2020 00:58

Offensively confident??Hmm

Flavabobble · 05/10/2020 00:59

as much as it's 'your house' and annoys you, she has the legal right to have any visitor she wants for upto 3 nights a week
Why on earth do you think that?
I think people are conflating lodger and tenant.

Original poster
beautifullybonkers · 05/10/2020 01:05

@Ghosts2020

Sorry but as much as it's 'your house' and annoys you, she has the legal right to have any visitor she wants for upto 3 nights a week. You don't really seem suited to having a lodger as you are treating it as a 'my house my rules' situation. I think cut your losses and let her find a more suitable landlord.
Actually that’s not true for a lodger. A lodger is not a tenant, they occupy your home under license and have no security of tenure. As a lodger there is no legal right to have people to stay over unless agreed in the contract. The contract I have with my lodger, which she happily signed, states guests staying over night is only permitted with agreement with myself.
OP posts:
viques · 05/10/2020 01:10

@BeanieB2020

It doesn't sound like you're a good fit for being a live-in landlord. You talk about how you wouldn't let your kids bring guests you don't know home and that's fine, but it's not really appropriate to dictate who a paying tenant can and can't bring to their home (while she is paying it is her home), nor can you expect a tenant not to leave their things in shared spaces. Shared housing isn't for everyone.

She should handle the key issue herself, but apart from that I don't see how she's done anything wrong. She's just living her life in the house she has paid to live in, and it sounds like you don't like her.

The lodger is not doing a 50/50 house share with the OP, it's a different agreement, she is renting a room/ bathroom , with agreed and probably limited use of other facilities eg the kitchen, sitting room. Her payments to the Op will be far less than a normal rental to reflect this.

Apart from the fact that we are in the middle of a pandemic where the mixing of households is strongly discouraged the agreement is for the lodger to live there, not random strangers to be wandering around the OPs house at any time. Would you like some total stranger to wander into your kitchen to make their morning coffee while you are sitting there bleary eyed in your pjs?

lyralalala · 05/10/2020 01:11

Texting your son is taking the piss. Texting him and then not appearing shortly after that is massively taking the piss.

Bad enough if she had text you, but a child who has school in the morning when she wasn't returning before midnight? Ridiculous.

I'd terminate the agreement with her. People are either good fit as a lodger or they're not and she's really not.

You also need to find out where she's mislaid her keys. Hopefully she's not like an old lodger of MIL's who "helpfully" had a keyring with the address attached to lost keys Shock

BrummyMum1 · 05/10/2020 01:15

I don’t understand why she’s not in a house share with people her own age. Time to find a more suitable lodger.

HannaYeah · 05/10/2020 01:18

@Shopgirl1

I would be asking her to move out. Very odd texting your son and it sounds like her lifestyle is not compatible with your family life.
Me too. At asking if she could bring a man home she’d know for 4 days. That’s fine when you live alone or with a roommate who is ok with it. Not fine when lodging with a family.
HannaYeah · 05/10/2020 01:19

@Shopgirl1

Love your user name. Have you ever read Steve Martin’s novella “Shop Girl”?

justsotiredallthetime · 05/10/2020 01:21

Why does she even have your teenage sons number?! That's weird!

Monty27 · 05/10/2020 01:22

OP she thinks you've fostered her 😳
You need to get things straight with the poor girl. She needs to know the boundaries don't work for her either and move on. It's a conversation you both need to have. Keep it on good terms. Hopefully. Brew

tillytown · 05/10/2020 01:30

PurpleTrilby, are you ok? Your reply is weirdly hostile

tectonicplates · 05/10/2020 01:35

You're her landlady, not her mum. You're really not cut out to be a landlady. Far too many families think you just rent out your spare room, take the money and the lodger is "seen but not heard" and is immaculately behaved at all times.

I used to live in a flatshare where I was technically a lodger, but we basically treated it like a flatshare.

I agree with pp that you're trying to have your cake and eat it. If you want some extra income, come up with something else. You sound like a nightmare to live with.

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 05/10/2020 02:45

Being a lodger is very different from sharing a property though. It's more similar to being in a HMO where there's just a shared kitchen and bathroom and sometimes access to laundry facilities.

Lodgers are expected to follow their landlord's/landlady's household rules. They are expected to be respectful especially when living with working adults or families. It isn't emulating the student lifestyle.

abstractprojection · 05/10/2020 02:47

I wouldn’t want to be either the lodger or the landlady in this situation as the arrangement is so utterly unsuitable for both.

She should be in house share with people her own age and OP should be taking in short term English students via an agency as they are expected to fit into family life and abide by stricter rules

BeanieB2020 · 05/10/2020 03:06

Would you like some total stranger to wander into your kitchen to make their morning coffee while you are sitting there bleary eyed in your pjs?

I would not, and this is why I don't rent my house out while I'm living in it.

seayork2020 · 05/10/2020 03:15

A lodger should be allowed to live in the place as its their own, ie have a key and come and go as they please, with the usual niceties that is ie not having a wild party, being noisy coming in at 2am etc. they should be allowed people over as in a boyfriend or a friend or so no not 200. The amount of time the lodger has known is none of your business.

If you can't handle normal lodger things don't have a lodger it is not for you

You are coming across too invested in the lodgers life

seayork2020 · 05/10/2020 03:17

Sorry I would edit i went back and notice she had mislaid her keys, a one off fine but yes if she can't can't sort herself then yes say something about that

LagunaBubbles · 05/10/2020 03:21

Sorry but as much as it's 'your house' and annoys you, she has the legal right to have any visitor she wants for upto 3 nights a week

What a load of rubbish some people here spout.

Imworthit · 05/10/2020 03:23

Stipulate next time that you will only lodge sober nuns. She contacted your son because she knew you would treat her like a naughty child. I think your unreasonable and your circumstances make having a lodger unsuitable. By all means speak to her when she returns but I doubt you will find another lodger happy to have no friends, boyfriends etc

ComtesseDeSpair · 05/10/2020 03:29

I think in future you need to be more realistic about who you select as a lodger. Maybe advertise as a Monday-Friday let for somebody who has a family elsewhere but lives away for work and goes home at weekends. Young people are going to want to socialise and find a partner and bring them home sometimes and that clearly isn’t compatible with your lifestyle.

Just tell her that the situation isn’t going to work out because you need somebody who fits around your family and give her 14 days to find somewhere else. It doesn’t need any more angst than that.