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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think I need to have a word with lodger?

220 replies

beautifullybonkers · 04/10/2020 23:27

But of a long one but don’t want to drip feed information and think a bit of background might be useful.

Mid July we took in a new lodger. She seemed fine and moved here as had long term partner living locally. Few teething problems in her breaking a couple of things in the house and leaving her possessions all over (kitchen, lounge etc) but no big deal really although admittedly a bit irritating. Within a month she split up with partner and I supported her through break up. She is now 10 days into a new relationship and is spending most of the time outside the house with him. Within the first week of their meeting i received a late night text asking if he could stay over I had agreed previously to her long term partner staying one night a week but had asked her to be mindful that this was mine and my teenage son’s home and they needed to be respectful of thatcher . However I didn’t feel comfortable having a man I had never met and she had only known 4 days stay in my home so replied saying that and I had to consider my son and his well being. At this point I should point out that I have older children no longer living at home and would not have agreed to them having people they had known less than a week stay over either. She replied and said she understood but has said very few words to me since.

At 11 o’clock this evening she texted my teenage son who is in bed to ask if he could stay up to let her in as she has mislaid her keys. My son came to let me know as obviously I would hear him up when he should be asleep. He had texted back to say he would but I have told him no, he needs to go back to sleep, and I am now lying in my bed waiting for her to return so I can let her in. Incidentally she still hasn’t arrived back. AIBU to think she should not be texting my son when he is in bed to let her in, especially when he has to be up for school in the morning and has a paper round at 7am? Would it BU of me to speak with her about this and ask why she would text him and not me?

OP posts:
whatsleep · 05/10/2020 08:21

Sounds like it’s time for her to look for an alternate lodging.

BlueThistles · 05/10/2020 08:22

did she return 🌺

wafflyversatile · 05/10/2020 08:25

I dont think she was trying to sneak him in. I think she wanted to avoid telling you she'd forgotten her keys after you'd had words earlier. You said yourself she'd hardly spoken since. Involving your teen in opening the door is hardly a good way to sneak someone in.

Reddog1 · 05/10/2020 08:37

You’re the wrong fit for each other. It’s really no one’s fault. Just the way it is.

She needs to be given a couple of weeks’ notice to find something else (the sooner the better, in case covid restrictions tighten and you’re both stuck in situ).

FAQs · 05/10/2020 08:40

Poor woman, she is in her mid 20s, she should be having fun before she is bogged down with life, kids and restrictions, she needs a house share where she can have her own life as her own and you op need a hermit lodger pay but not seen or heard.

Tadpolesandfroglets · 05/10/2020 08:44

I don’t think phoning her son up at 11 pm is being seen and not heard and then having to wait up and THEN not even bothering to turn up. Well, I suppose technically she’s not being seen in this instance. Just being extremely rude.

aintnousernamelikenousername · 05/10/2020 08:45

Can’t believe anyone is posting supporting the lodger bringing back a random man, during Covid restrictions, to a family home especially. It wouldn’t even be reasonable if it was a normal house share though I suspect more likely to be accepted

Limona · 05/10/2020 08:48

@aintnousernamelikenousername

Can’t believe anyone is posting supporting the lodger bringing back a random man, during Covid restrictions, to a family home especially. It wouldn’t even be reasonable if it was a normal house share though I suspect more likely to be accepted
Because she didn’t!
shesgonebatshitagain · 05/10/2020 08:48

@BoggledBudgie

Ah yes, those offensively confident mid 20s women Hmm could it be you’re a bit threatened by her OP? You don’t like a single woman being a confident person in life? That’s perhaps a separate issue you want to explore.

You’re not suited to having a confident female lodger. You should definitely no longer have her stay.

Eh?
Petitmum · 05/10/2020 08:50

I think there are a lot of posters giving the op grief who obviously don't have a clue about how to behave!!
YANBU op!!

beautifullybonkers · 05/10/2020 08:50

Morning all, she returned at 7.30 this morning. I didn’t want to delay her getting to work so have asked that we have a conversation this evening.

Not that I have to justify myself, I’d like to point out to those saying I’m a nightmare, that as I said in my OP the breakages etc were no big deal and I told her not to worry about them. The leaving her things lying around was for example on more than one occasion leaving our large dining table covered completely with her things, including laundry, for days on end - I think that even in a shared house that would not be acceptable to everyone else living there. I don’t dictate what time she comes and goes and I have been happy for her to have friends round but that’s different to bringing newly met men back to stay over. I don’t have any issues with young confident women - I have raised 2 of my own

Perhaps the lines were blurred slightly when I supported her through her breakup as she was 100s of miles from family, upset and at the time had no friends - I wouldn’t have wanted either of my daughters to have gone through that unsupported. But yes perhaps as a result she now see’s me as a parent figure rather than her landlady.

OP posts:
Tadpolesandfroglets · 05/10/2020 08:51

@BoggledBudgie that’s a wee bit of a stretch! 😂

FAQs · 05/10/2020 08:52

She probably phone the son cos she knew she’d get a bollocking and/or the cold shoulder. She really needs a different kind of set up with people similar to her own age or circumstances.

Clymene · 05/10/2020 08:55

OP there's nothing wrong with you expecting her to treat your home and you with respect. I hope your chat today is constructive.

custardbear · 05/10/2020 09:01

She needs to find herself something more suitable - why are you having strangers in your home with child in the house?

Frazzled2207 · 05/10/2020 09:09

A stern chat is in order and I think you probably need to give her notice.
Given the Covid situation I think it wouldn’t be unreasonable to say a complete NO to visitors for now to her and any other lodgers. I’m in the North and it’s banned here anyway. Obviously you cannot stop her going to other houses.
Texting your son at 11pm asking him to let her know totally out of order.

IdblowJonSnow · 05/10/2020 09:10

Yanbu. You've got a family, I think you've been kind to her.
She has a very different lifestyle to you. She sounds a bit childish trying to contact your son rather than speak to you.
Suggest she might be happier in a house share with a younger crew, or at least where there are no minors to consider?

user1471565182 · 05/10/2020 09:11

Id be wondering why boyfriend got rid of her after her being there for a month.

Extrachilli · 05/10/2020 09:16

OP, YANBU. She just isn’t the right fit for your home. A young 20 something is never going to really be the right fit for a family home.

Can you cope financially without a lodger? I couldn’t bare to share my home with a stranger, I just would never be able to relax. If you can, maybe it’s time to knock having lodgers on the head? If you can’t and you need one then I’d only consider a Mon-Fri professional. That’s the only type of person who’s going to fit in your family. Anyone young or wanting a 7 day a week job is probably not going to be a great fit as they’ll be wanting friends/ boyfriends over/ going out getting drunk etc. Not really what you want is it?

Serin · 05/10/2020 09:29

I agree with the other posters about this being a bad fit.

If you need the money, but still need to be able to set boundaries, would you consider fostering a teenager?

TheHumanSatsuma · 05/10/2020 09:29

@QuestionableMouse

I wonder if she planned to sneak the new fella in if your son had let her in?
That was my first thought too.
FlapsInTheWind · 05/10/2020 09:37

A previous poster nailed it with the statement that this is messing with your feeling secure and safe in your own home.

The fact that she joins in uninvited when you have your friends round tells you all you need to know really.

A lodger should sort of fade into the background of the hosts life. That is basically the deal. This one is a walking red flag.

CleverCatty · 05/10/2020 09:45

I think you just need to give her notice and advise her (if you want to do this) that you think a house share with people her own age (not a family) or a flat share (with her being a tenant) would work better for her.

I had a few flat shares as a tenant in my 20s - as 2 and 3 people (me being the second and third person) and also house shares with maximum 3 of us too, sometimes 4 - in those situations depending on how lax we were we would sometimes leave possessions on a dining room table for days on end etc!

She definitely does view you as a parent figure now I think.

To the person saying about having people stay over, I recall when I moved from a tenant flat share into a large shared townhouse with the couple who owned the house and lived there renting rooms out - she rented them out as lodging rooms so we were lodgers but it was advertised as a house share - and the couple were only a couple of years older than the lodgers. I recall the landlady got really annoyed that I brought down the ironing board to the living room area to iron whilst watching TV - wanted me to drag the ironing board all the way to the top floor of the house (3rd or 4th floor as was town house) - I refused to do this said I had every right to iron downstairs in the living room - which was shared.

The landlady was also strict about boyfriends, was happy for us to have long term boyfriends to stay but no 'casuals' which was fine by me - but then another young, single woman moved in, hadn't listened re that and brought a one night stand home, she could've got away with it until she tried the same trick a week later and the landlady realised it wasn't the same man staying! The young, single woman then complained to me (?!) that this wasn't fair - until I reminded her of the rules. She ended her contract not long after, early and moved out!

IntermittentParps · 05/10/2020 09:46

I wonder if she planned to sneak the new fella in if your son had let her in

This is exactly what I thought. She texted your son and not you because she knows you'd have told her to take a hike. She's not stupid and she is very conniving.

Personally I'd give her her marching orders for a) texting your teenage child and/or b) texting at that time of night. But you may want to be more forgiving than me and have a conversation and make the boundaries clear, then give her a chance to prove herself.

why are you having strangers in your home with child in the house?
For the loloz, obviously Confused Why do you think people have lodgers?

Pyewhacket · 05/10/2020 09:54

@Rainbowbagel

Sounds a bit like you’re wanting to have your cake and eat it..

Happy to have the lodgers money but not prepared to share your house and understand the grim reality that is living with a stranger.

She is taking the pee, it’s not working. From both sides.

Yep, agree with this totally.
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