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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I need to have a word with lodger?

220 replies

beautifullybonkers · 04/10/2020 23:27

But of a long one but don’t want to drip feed information and think a bit of background might be useful.

Mid July we took in a new lodger. She seemed fine and moved here as had long term partner living locally. Few teething problems in her breaking a couple of things in the house and leaving her possessions all over (kitchen, lounge etc) but no big deal really although admittedly a bit irritating. Within a month she split up with partner and I supported her through break up. She is now 10 days into a new relationship and is spending most of the time outside the house with him. Within the first week of their meeting i received a late night text asking if he could stay over I had agreed previously to her long term partner staying one night a week but had asked her to be mindful that this was mine and my teenage son’s home and they needed to be respectful of thatcher . However I didn’t feel comfortable having a man I had never met and she had only known 4 days stay in my home so replied saying that and I had to consider my son and his well being. At this point I should point out that I have older children no longer living at home and would not have agreed to them having people they had known less than a week stay over either. She replied and said she understood but has said very few words to me since.

At 11 o’clock this evening she texted my teenage son who is in bed to ask if he could stay up to let her in as she has mislaid her keys. My son came to let me know as obviously I would hear him up when he should be asleep. He had texted back to say he would but I have told him no, he needs to go back to sleep, and I am now lying in my bed waiting for her to return so I can let her in. Incidentally she still hasn’t arrived back. AIBU to think she should not be texting my son when he is in bed to let her in, especially when he has to be up for school in the morning and has a paper round at 7am? Would it BU of me to speak with her about this and ask why she would text him and not me?

OP posts:
CleverCatty · 05/10/2020 09:56

@IntermittentParps

I wonder if she planned to sneak the new fella in if your son had let her in

This is exactly what I thought. She texted your son and not you because she knows you'd have told her to take a hike. She's not stupid and she is very conniving.

Personally I'd give her her marching orders for a) texting your teenage child and/or b) texting at that time of night. But you may want to be more forgiving than me and have a conversation and make the boundaries clear, then give her a chance to prove herself.

why are you having strangers in your home with child in the house?
For the loloz, obviously Confused Why do you think people have lodgers?

The lodger could lie and say that OP hadn't answered her text she sent her which would make sense as to why she texted the teenage son.
IndecentFeminist · 05/10/2020 09:59

Some people don't seem to know what lodgers are, or what rights they do and don't have.

This isn't a house share or tenancy, and the price will reflect that.

FizzyGreenWater · 05/10/2020 10:04

Big overstep texting your son - that's your warning sign - she is now blurring the boundaries - or perhaps considers they've been blurred.

She is not acting like a lodger.

I would probably ask her to leave at this point as once things slip, they rarely can be saved - it's either resentment if you start cracking down, or continued piss taking if you don't.

IntermittentParps · 05/10/2020 10:22

CleverCatty, I don't follow, sorry.

2bazookas · 05/10/2020 10:25

" Here's you notice to quit" is the applicable word

AltoCation · 05/10/2020 10:37

She had no business texting your son - quite outrageous.
And asking him to stay up and then not saying she was staying out Angry

It's good that your DS told you she had texted.

Accidents happen, people lose or forget keys. She could have contacted you, asked you what time you were going to bed so she could be sure to get home before that time. That was the adult, responsible thing to do.

She needs a house share with people her own age. This is going to carry on while she tries new relationships.

HotChoc10 · 05/10/2020 10:44

I don't think people should have lodgers if they're not prepared to share their home. It sounds so stressful for all involved. I would hate to have to ask permission to have a partner round as a rent paying adult.

Dreading2020sSeasonFinale · 05/10/2020 10:47

The keys thing has me worried. I had a lodger once in my early twenties who was also a friend. She loved a good night out every Fri, Sat and Sunday but used to lose (leave laying around and have nicked) her bag almost monthly, rolling home completely plastered and bag less.

She really didn't care much about keeping the keys to my home safe. I'd get texts and phone calls from borrowed phones or hammering on the door at 3am to let her in and her solution for the lost keys was to simply borrow mine to get another cut the next day. I had to ask her to find a new place after the fourth or fifth time and she came home and proudly showed me a new fob she had written my address on so "They'd be able to get the keys back to me". Confused When I explained she'd be telling a potential burglar where the keys were for, she decided to put her number on instead until I reminded her that her cheap payg phones were always taken with the bag and keys.

30 years I've managed to not lose my house keys and I certainly wouldn't be irresponsible enough to lose anyone else's!

CleverCatty · 05/10/2020 10:59

@IntermittentParps

CleverCatty, I don't follow, sorry.
it was just an additional comment as to why lodger texted landlady's son, but out of order!
HandfulofDust · 05/10/2020 11:10

Sounds like she wants to be living in a house share with young adults not a family home.

Cocomarine · 05/10/2020 11:17

If your son is young enough that he would worry you’d tell him off for getting out of bed at night (so he’s not an adult) I’m a bit Confused that your lodger has your child’s number.

Eddielzzard · 05/10/2020 11:18

I would be VERY unhappy. Both about keys and texting your DS. The boundary pushing is concerning - washing all over dining room for days would piss me right off. I would tell her it's not on and if things don't improve, then I'd give notice.

IntermittentParps · 05/10/2020 11:22

CleverCatty, ah, I see, yes. The lie would be found out though, I imagine.

Cocomarine, very good point about her having the son's number.

Zaphodsotherhead · 05/10/2020 11:24

To all the people who think the lodger isn't out of order - would you stay at a friend's house for any length of time and behave like this? Losing their keys, wanting to bring back a man you hardly know, texting their son?

I know that being a lodger means paying, so it's slightly different, but you are paying for the facilities you use, not for the right to behave as you would in your own home. If you want that, then you rent a flat.

I wouldn't go to stay with friends (or even family) and then leave stuff all over the place, involve them in my complicated love life and stay out all night without warning.

The old term for lodgers used to be 'paying guests' and that's what they are.

Coyoacan · 05/10/2020 11:37

I would just be pissed off that she texted that she needed someone to stay up to let her in and then didn't bother turning up or sending another message

fatherfintanstack · 05/10/2020 11:41

OP to me you sound reasonable and I think the problem is just that it's not a good fit. I imagine your lodger just isn't very aware of what being a lodger entails, that it is cheaper than a shared house because you do have to fit into the household to an extent. Also losing keys happens but if it does, you get your arse home ASAP, you don't keep the house up all night waiting for you. She needs to be in a more suitable houseshare, probably with people her own age and you might be better off advertising more selectively for say a professional weeknight lodger, or maybe a mature student. If you ask her to leave, please do give her plenty of notice at this time though.

I was the lodger in my 20s for a short time and whilst my landlady had some issues that meant it wasn't all my fault that it didn't work out, I was much happier when I moved somewhere I could come and go as I pleased and was more free to have guests (obviously covid would change that).

Bxjd · 05/10/2020 11:45

@Ghosts2020

Sorry but as much as it's 'your house' and annoys you, she has the legal right to have any visitor she wants for upto 3 nights a week. You don't really seem suited to having a lodger as you are treating it as a 'my house my rules' situation. I think cut your losses and let her find a more suitable landlord.
I mostly agree, but surely can’t have guests with the current Situation with Covid?
jessstan1 · 05/10/2020 12:05

Well quite, the lodger sounds as though she doesn't care about covid-19 restrictions.

I would also have thought it was indelicate to invite a barely known man to sleep with you in a family house.

The young woman needs to get a place of her own or go into a flat share with folks of her own age.

Having lodgers sounds like a nightmare unless you have a huge house and don't have to bump into them that often.

BiBabbles · 05/10/2020 12:10

I've had lodgers for nearly 12 years now, and am struggling to wrap my head around the lodger having the son's phone number. I could get this if this was a long-term lodger who'd become a family friend, but even then I would find texting him about this unacceptable, even if she thought she was going to get into trouble. I also would not be having with shared surfaces being covered for days at a time, I expect everyone to keep them to a similar standard.

There are sometimes emotional grey lines when living with others. I've joked before that I can tell when my lodger's depression is getting bad because I start to feel like we've got an extra teenager with the additional kitchen-related mess and the level of texting between him and my spouse. This, however, has developed over time and at so new, more boundaries may need to be in order if going forward with this.

For those going on about the lodger's rights they have very few rights and I can't find anything that says they have a right to having guests over. If that's something essential to someone, then lodging in someone else's home isn't for them. Plenty of young adults can handle the concept that they are paying guests and cannot just bring in whoever they want just fine even before COVID brought in extra concerns. It isn't an arrangement that suits everyone, but it works quite well for some.

AnathemaPulsifer · 05/10/2020 12:16

Texting a teenager to wait up for her then not coming back is hugely unreasonable of her.

IntermittentParps · 05/10/2020 12:19

Sorry but as much as it's 'your house' and annoys you, she has the legal right to have any visitor she wants for upto 3 nights a week.

  • she doesn't in normal circs
  • she certainly wouldn't in Covid times
  • I have a lodger who was a friend before he moved in, so we already had quite a measure of familiarity and a relaxed relationship. He still nonetheless very respectfully asked when he wanted to invite a date to stay the night, and made clear that it wouldn't be a problem if I thought it inappropriate. THAT is decent behaviour.
CleverCatty · 05/10/2020 12:33

@Zaphodsotherhead

To all the people who think the lodger isn't out of order - would you stay at a friend's house for any length of time and behave like this? Losing their keys, wanting to bring back a man you hardly know, texting their son?

I know that being a lodger means paying, so it's slightly different, but you are paying for the facilities you use, not for the right to behave as you would in your own home. If you want that, then you rent a flat.

I wouldn't go to stay with friends (or even family) and then leave stuff all over the place, involve them in my complicated love life and stay out all night without warning.

The old term for lodgers used to be 'paying guests' and that's what they are.

OK - so in my situation one of them - it was a house share and I suppose in effect we were 'lodgers' - we each signed an agreement but I can't recall what it was - seemed to be less a lodger and more of a proper house/flat share - just I don't think there was a tenancy agreement as the landlady and her DH owned the house.

However, we knew we were being used to pay their mortgage as they told us this - but e.g. one person sharing used to put his washing on late at night when you could hear it (3-4 floors up!), it was the sort of house (town house) where the middle bed room had a sort of divided area so the person sharing used this as a living/bedroom area.

It's also interesting as to how this works as my mum used to rent upstairs rooms but shared bathroom in her house, eventually she rented two rooms (e.g. bedroom/living room and large kitchen/dining room plus shared bathroom to single women, but she fitted separate front door at top of the stairs, that could have been counted as lodger but the women sharing paid their own bills I think, as they used separate fridge, cooker etc to our family kitchen.

TrickyD · 05/10/2020 12:35

It isn't an arrangement that suits everyone, but it works quite well for some.

It worked very well for our friend whose lodger arrived in 1980. He was from abroad and studying at a local college. Nearly forty years of happy marriage, kids, grandchildren and they still get teased about when exactly lodger turned to lover. Smile

valtandsinegar · 05/10/2020 12:36

It sounds like you are not on the same page and would be best parting ways.

yousexybugger · 05/10/2020 12:49

apologies if I have missed the son's age but this would be bang out if he was a younger to mid- teen. for an 18 or 19 year old, she might just have assumed he was more likely to be up late.