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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think I need to have a word with lodger?

220 replies

beautifullybonkers · 04/10/2020 23:27

But of a long one but don’t want to drip feed information and think a bit of background might be useful.

Mid July we took in a new lodger. She seemed fine and moved here as had long term partner living locally. Few teething problems in her breaking a couple of things in the house and leaving her possessions all over (kitchen, lounge etc) but no big deal really although admittedly a bit irritating. Within a month she split up with partner and I supported her through break up. She is now 10 days into a new relationship and is spending most of the time outside the house with him. Within the first week of their meeting i received a late night text asking if he could stay over I had agreed previously to her long term partner staying one night a week but had asked her to be mindful that this was mine and my teenage son’s home and they needed to be respectful of thatcher . However I didn’t feel comfortable having a man I had never met and she had only known 4 days stay in my home so replied saying that and I had to consider my son and his well being. At this point I should point out that I have older children no longer living at home and would not have agreed to them having people they had known less than a week stay over either. She replied and said she understood but has said very few words to me since.

At 11 o’clock this evening she texted my teenage son who is in bed to ask if he could stay up to let her in as she has mislaid her keys. My son came to let me know as obviously I would hear him up when he should be asleep. He had texted back to say he would but I have told him no, he needs to go back to sleep, and I am now lying in my bed waiting for her to return so I can let her in. Incidentally she still hasn’t arrived back. AIBU to think she should not be texting my son when he is in bed to let her in, especially when he has to be up for school in the morning and has a paper round at 7am? Would it BU of me to speak with her about this and ask why she would text him and not me?

OP posts:
icelollycraving · 06/10/2020 18:43

I don’t think it’s odd she has his number. I think op has moved into mum territory with the lodger.
I remember us having lodgers when I was a teenager after my parents divorced, my mum used to treat them like family and it didn’t really work.
Perhaps a chat just setting really clear boundaries is the way to go and tell her if it continues, you’ll ask her to go.

BiscoffAnythingIsTheWayForward · 06/10/2020 18:43

Your house, your rules. Payment or not. It’s not a flat share and I too find it odd she has your teenage sons number and actually
messaged him about not having her keys 🤔 Weird! Hope your talk goes ok.

Denny53 · 06/10/2020 18:48

@Mariola321

Yes you need professional who works away in week although usually.that is a man. She maybe bit cheeky but every girl in 20s wants to shag boyfriend let' be honest.
Even one she only met 4 days previously? OP didn’t have a problem letting a previous long term boyfriend stay over
Crystalknobs · 06/10/2020 18:50

I had a lodger ask if a boyfriend could stay over , she said she’s been with him years and gave a cock and bull story about it would only be this once as he was moving and his flat wasn’t ready blah blah blah . I agreed and found out she had been with him 2 weeks and he actually had nowhere planned to go. They were both shown the door.
I would do the same with your lodger . From experience, if it doesn’t start off great it never gets better.

beautifullybonkers · 06/10/2020 19:02

Evening sorry for the late update.

We had “the talk” she cried - thank you to a pp who warned about histrionics Wink. I calmly stated that I wanted to confirm my position on people staying over and made it very clear that it was inappropriate for her to text my son and not me (and that I wasn’t even aware until that point that they had exchanged numbers). I asked her to take a couple of days to think about whether she could commit to living here in the agreed and set out way and to let me know her decision but to be under no illusion that if I felt that things were not improving that I would give her notice to leave. I reiterated that this was my home and if she could not respect that then perhaps she needed to consider getting her own flat or a flat share. I absolutely do not want to take on another child/teenager/young adult whatever - I’m amazed I’ve survived the ones I gave birth to

Thanks to everyone who gave well thought out advice. She is very clear she’s had her final warning

OP posts:
reiki21 · 06/10/2020 19:13

I'd get rid of her before the situation escalates. Too pushy. You feel she can't be trusted then why is she still in your home ?
Maybe you should rethink having any lodger at all unless you can shut off access to the rest of the house and give them their own key for their entrance and room or invest in more locks in the house. I don't think I'd be opening my home to strangers I cannot trust particularly with a young (ish) child in the house. You have no obligation to her. I realise her rent money may be influencing your reluctance to remove her but I'd be more concerned about you and your sons security and peace of mind. He must be worried too. He did well coming to get you when she tried to get him ( a bit deviously) on side. Had he done as she asked he may have been put in a position where she asked him for other favours and he felt he couldn't refuse because he didn't tell you the first time. Maybe get references next time. Good luck.

Nearly47 · 06/10/2020 19:21

Just for the fact that she texted your son I'd probably ask her to leave. You need to be able to trust her and she was trying to sneak in behind your back

Nineteenfiddlytree · 06/10/2020 20:16

Has she definitely lost her keys or had she left them at home?

forrestgreen · 06/10/2020 20:17

Yes it's inappropriate to have gotten your sons mobile number. Which must have been done to bypass you at some point

jessstan1 · 06/10/2020 20:36

Well done, op.

Vinomummyinlockdown · 06/10/2020 21:04

Ermmmm has she heard of covid?!?! Wft?

KarmaStar · 06/10/2020 21:12

I think she knew she was in the wrong for not telling you she had lost a set of keys to your home and didn't have the decency to front you so thought you're son would be the easy option.she seems sneaky either way and I'm not sure if want to live with her.

KarmaStar · 06/10/2020 21:17

Just read your update,good for you op!
And asking someone to wait up then turning up the next morning.....I would not be happy.
Don't listen to people being nasty op you appear to be just fine!

Brownbananabandana · 06/10/2020 21:31

Excellent update op sounds like you handled it brilliantly. You said what you needed to, laid your boundaries out clearly and gave her the chance to make up her own mind about what she wanted to commit to (or not as the case may be)

lattegracelaced07 · 06/10/2020 21:36

We have a lodger and our rule is no overnight guests, no exceptions. It's in the contract. We have to safeguard our children's wellbeing.

copperoliver · 06/10/2020 22:36

She'd be getting notice from me. X

juliawilks72 · 06/10/2020 22:40

I have had many Many lodgers over the years when l was 25 younger - they all cause their own brand of chaos sadly - this one won’t improve - so l would give her her notice period & find someone hopefully calmer - good luck xx

weesocks · 06/10/2020 22:45

its tough. your son may have a special relationship, friendship with her. but that's the problem inviting someone into your home because to be frank you need the money i am guessing.
She is more like a family member as she doesn't have separate entrance
or a place of her own.
When you invite someone into your home and its a monied relationship you are running a business, and with it rules.

RealityExistsInTheHumanMind · 06/10/2020 22:59

Well handled

Dreading2020sSeasonFinale · 06/10/2020 23:13

Well done OP. Did you manage to establish the whereabouts of the keys to your home?

Dowser · 06/10/2020 23:15

Well said

Shizzlestix · 06/10/2020 23:24

Id ask her to delete your son’s number, that’s the thing that sticks with me, so odd!

CruzControl · 06/10/2020 23:42

If you treat an adult like a child then they'll act like a child. She's your lodger, not your daughter and I think you need to understand that. Presumably you didn't charge your children rent when they were at home so I'm wondering why you think that you're allowed to parent your lodger.

Pancakeorcrepe · 07/10/2020 07:37

@CruzControl that old chestnut 🤣
No, if you treat an adult like a child, they will still behave like an adult. And that is not what OP was doing anyway. OP is taking control of the situation as she is entitled to.

skodadoda · 07/10/2020 07:58

@Tinty

Am I the only one who thinks it’s odd that your lodger doesn’t have a Key 🔑. It sounds more like an old fashioned boarding house where you had a curfew and had to be in by 10 in the evening.
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