To think being early is as rude as being late

[LG93]

Disclaimer, I come from a historically late running family. I know its rude and Ive tried really hard to address it particularly since meeting DH who's family are always early for everything.

His parents ALWAYS turn up excessively early when invited over. (Usually about an hour) it's always annoyed me as it usually means I'm not home/ready for them, even more annoying since having DD who is now nearly 2 for MIL's 60th. They've come over today and DH particularly told them aim for 1.30, please no earlier than 1 as we want to get DD down for her nap first. They turned up at 12.30 mid way through toddler lunch, wound her up until DH came in and told them to go and sit in the living room and I'm now dealing with a toddler banging on her bedroom door shouting for nana as she wants to see her, which is precisely why we wanted her down before they arrived as we knew ther wouldn't be sufficient time for them to see her and her calm down before nap time. I also haven't had time to change or finish getting ready as was going to do that once she nalpes. Aibu to think this is just as rude as turning up an hour late and to consider telling them to arrive at 2 when we want them at 1 in future?

Thanks for all the comments! To answer some points raised

-as suspected by some, DD is sadly not the type of child who will nap where she falls, she'd rally in an increasingly manic state until about 5/6ish when the wheels would fall off as she's overtired and any chance of sleep is out the window.

• we live rurally so nowhere to send them off to sadly, but they are also rural and only 15/20 mins away so not like they left time for traffic and were surprised.
• yes I would be just as pissed if my parents did it. Fortunately they never have as they do childcare for us 1 day a week so appreciate the importance of her getting a nap in!
• to clarify, she wasn't upset/crying while banging on the door, she just would have rathered been downstairs with her, she did eventually get back into bed and have her nap, then came down as planned to spend the afternoon playing with her grandparents.
• we had explained that we wanted her down before they came to stop her getting over excited. If they'd felt they wanted more time to see her they could have said and come over mid morning so that she got over the initial excitement of seeing them before her nap.
• DH told them they were early and it's not convenient, and they apologised like they always do, each blamed the other, and then that was that after I told them to go and sit in the living room so I could try and get DD to finish her lunch rather than playing up to them.
• to the person who asked no I'm not late to theirs, when I say I'm addressing it I mean it's not coming naturally but is forced by allowing larger buffers of time, setting alarms, and leaving whether I've finished everything I wanted to or not.

@BreconBeBuggered

My own punctuality fetish means that I'm ready for visitors a good half hour before they're due, so minor earliness isn't a problem at my end. I try hard not to inflict it on others, and nobody's called me out on it yet, so I hope I've been mainly successful. My ILs, however, are like OP's, and take it to extremes. I know what their motivation is: they like to get things out of the way so that they can be back in their own home and 'organised' for their peaceful evening, and they work backwards from that to achieve it. It sounds like an elderly-person thing to do, but they've always been this way. If that means turning up at mine 90 minutes before I'll be ready to dish up, tough titty.

Oh wow, this is exactly what they do! Fil in particular will be clock watching to leave at the right time to return to their empty house with no commitments ( to the point of rushing MIL yesterday who still hasn't finished her tea at this point) to be home by 5 (even when it's not dark that early). He did the same when we wanted to queue for the gift shop at the zoo and he wasn't on the road by 2.30 (was a 2hr drive but again no deadline to be home for)

I've never noticed it before!

It is inconsiderate and a nuisance but as it seems consistent the obvious answer as others have said is to invite them for an hour later than you want them.
We live in an area where you can't meet other people indoors anywhere or in private gardens. Thousands of people would give anything to be able to entertain grandparents in their homes and gardens, just to give you some perspective .....

@RockingMyFiftiesNot - We live in an area where you can't meet other people indoors anywhere or in private gardens. Thousands of people would give anything to be able to entertain grandparents in their homes and gardens, just to give you some perspective .....

That is such an annoying, sanctimonious statement. There are always people worse off. Does that mean you never complain about anything on your life?

My mother turned up 2 hours early on Christmas Day a few years back. I don’t have children so she wasn’t desperate to see some cherub like grandchildren and lives a 45 minute drive away. She called saying she was in our village and asking for directions (we had just moved), i squealed ‘we aren’t ready yet!’ We were still in our pyjamas.

My brother was driving and said he had tried to tell her but she hates being late. Anytime I meet her she’s gone to the train station too early and got an earlier train. So then calls to say she’s waiting for me, half an hour before we are meant to meet up! Aye very good I’m still on my way.

The in laws have form for this. Arriving early for any family events "to help" but by that stage all we'd be trying to do was get ourselves and dc ready. We started telling them to arrive later - so everyone else invited for 3pm, we''d tell them 4 so everyone arrived together. They were also the sort who had to be last to leave as well but so were my family and we'd be desperate for everyone to leave so we could do bedtime and theyd all just sit there not wanting to be the first to go!!

They also have a habit of inviting other people along as well. DS is now an age where he wants to go out for his birthdays. 2 years ago we invited them for a meal which we planned to pay for and suddenly found we had 3 extra guests. To be fair on the "extras' they thought the invitation had come from us and just went to the bar to order and pay for their own meal.

Don't let them in - say you expected them at X time and in the process of cleaning and DC about to nap - and send them off to Tesco to pick up some food or any other errands you need doing.

Oh, I agree. A common complaint by people annoyed at lateness is that it shows the latecomers don't consider the time of those waiting for them to be at all important. Same for people who turn up very early- if I say I will see you at 7 and you arrive at 6, you are effectively telling me you think you can dictate how I spend the hour between 6 and 7 and my wishes for what I do with that time are unimportant. I often find that people who routinely come more than 10 minutes early are the kind to be really offended by lateness, I just wish they could understand that their own behaviour is just as rude.

@mygrandadsvest

An hour early and an hour late = equally as inconsiderate

10 minutes early to a dinner reservation/appointment etc = perfectly fine

10 minutes late to a dinner reservation/appointment etc = rude

I disagree, depending on circumstances.

An hour early or late - rude

10 mins early to a public place, appointment etc (e.g. doctor, hairdresser, restaurant), fine. Doesn’t put anyone out. The staff are already there, there’s a place to wait, they’ll get round to you when they’re ready.

10 minutes early to my house - rude. I said come at x o’clock, may not be ready, don’t have a waiting room etc.

10 minutes late to a public appointment - dodgy ground. You may be holding up the queue down the line.

10 minutes late to meeting me in a pub, cafe etc - fine. I’ll get myself a drink.

10 minutes late to my house - perfectly fine. Call me if you’re running more than 30 minutes late.

Im ALWAYS early... I think lateness is pretty much one of the rudest things (probably because I'm always early and happy to wait so we can start on time but my friends think nothing of showing up 2 hours late even if we have things to do)

however my earliness doesnt effect the person whose house it is - I was due to drop DS of at his grandparents the other day and arrived 20 minutes early so was sat in the car and played some games and listened to music... I wouldnt go to someones door any earlier than 5 minute before the due time max. but I arrive in the area before that

This is really interesting. I always aim to be 10 minutes early for meetings, appointments etc but would never arrive bang on time to someone's house for lunch, dinner etc, I'd think it rude as they're probably rushing around still getting things ready. I've always thought 10-15 minutes late is best (maybe 5 minutes for a kids birthday party). It's a massive bone of contention with DH as he prefers to be early.

I think deliberately arriving 10 to 15 minutes late is pretty rude. If they wanted you ten to fifteen minutes later then why would they not have just given you that time?

A couple of minutes here and there means nothing to me, I wouldn't be getting upset about someone not being there at dead on the time I invited them. But deliberately deciding that you know better than the person issuing the invitation what time they want you to arrive is really patronising.

I think deliberately arriving 10 to 15 minutes late is pretty rude.

that's what is normally expected by most people in this country though..

There's nothing patronising, it's standard and considered good manners.

I can recall when I was in a rented house and the EA wanted to bring viewers around because the LL was selling. He rang up just as I got in from work and wanted to bring a couple that evening. I agreed because it was their only opportunity ( which was good of me). I stipulated not before 7.30 as I needed to shower, have my meal and relax first. He assured me they had 2 other houses to see first so it would be 7-30-8pm.

They turned up at 6.30 when I was still eating my meal. The excuse was that the couple did not even want to go inside the other two properties. I was furious and told them it was not convenient and they would have to return at the agreed time. They sat in the car and were very disgruntled and rude when they did eventually come in. I reminded the viewers that they were on my time and intruding upon my privacy. The least they could do was to keep to the agreed schedule.

Next day I phoned the EA and refused any more viewings unless the rent was lowered considerably for the remainder of my tenancy. An appointment is an appointment.

[quote OchonAgusOchonO]**@RockingMyFiftiesNot* - We live in an area where you can't meet other people indoors anywhere or in private gardens. Thousands of people would give anything to be able to entertain grandparents in their homes and gardens, just to give you some perspective .....*

That is such an annoying, sanctimonious statement. There are always people worse off. Does that mean you never complain about anything on your life?[/quote]
I'm sorry, I honestly didn't mean it to be but I am surrounded by very sad people who can't see their grandchildren/children/parents. Apologies OP I didn't mean to offend, just frustration.

We had an estate agent bring a couple to view our house an hour and a half before the agreed time! I was pregnant at the time and had slippery toddler twins in the bath when they knocked and DH was cooking our dinner.

So rude - people have no idea, do they? That viewing did not go well...

I don't get not answering the door to close family, these are husband's parents not chuggers or Jehovah's Witnesses.

Yes but I really think it's the only way to get through to people like this. If you say that you were out/busy/not expecting them so didn't hear them a few times, they will stop doing it.

There's nothing patronising, it's standard and considered good manners.

I've honestly never heard of it being good manners to arrive late. I thought that it was generally accepted that arriving late is bad manners.

@caughtalightsneeze

There's nothing patronising, it's standard and considered good manners.

I've honestly never heard of it being good manners to arrive late. I thought that it was generally accepted that arriving late is bad manners.

"Late" yes, of course it is rude. Unless it's a wedding, it's expected to be around 10 minutes after the given time for lunch or diner. If you turn up 45 mn later, of course you are late, and rude.

It's not my weird ideas, I don't think I ever had a guest turning on the dot, or seen anyone on the dot at any diner party I was invited to either.