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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think being early is as rude as being late

194 replies

LG93 · 04/10/2020 13:00

Disclaimer, I come from a historically late running family. I know its rude and Ive tried really hard to address it particularly since meeting DH who's family are always early for everything.

His parents ALWAYS turn up excessively early when invited over. (Usually about an hour) it's always annoyed me as it usually means I'm not home/ready for them, even more annoying since having DD who is now nearly 2 for MIL's 60th. They've come over today and DH particularly told them aim for 1.30, please no earlier than 1 as we want to get DD down for her nap first. They turned up at 12.30 mid way through toddler lunch, wound her up until DH came in and told them to go and sit in the living room and I'm now dealing with a toddler banging on her bedroom door shouting for nana as she wants to see her, which is precisely why we wanted her down before they arrived as we knew ther wouldn't be sufficient time for them to see her and her calm down before nap time. I also haven't had time to change or finish getting ready as was going to do that once she nalpes. Aibu to think this is just as rude as turning up an hour late and to consider telling them to arrive at 2 when we want them at 1 in future?

OP posts:

woodhill · 04/10/2020 16:24

@BreconBeBuggered

My own punctuality fetish means that I'm ready for visitors a good half hour before they're due, so minor earliness isn't a problem at my end. I try hard not to inflict it on others, and nobody's called me out on it yet, so I hope I've been mainly successful. My ILs, however, are like OP's, and take it to extremes. I know what their motivation is: they like to get things out of the way so that they can be back in their own home and 'organised' for their peaceful evening, and they work backwards from that to achieve it. It sounds like an elderly-person thing to do, but they've always been this way. If that means turning up at mine 90 minutes before I'll be ready to dish up, tough titty.

That's exactly how they are. Traffic was always building up so they had to go.

I must admit I like to be home in the evenings myself especially in the winter

AnneElliott · 04/10/2020 16:27

My ILS were like that. They'd want time on their own with DS before everyone else turned up. Really annoying as they weren't that keen on seeing us before DS arrived!

I agree next time add at least an hour into the invite do they don't disturb nap times.

Standrewsschool · 04/10/2020 16:28

An hour early is rude, unless the guests have driven a long way, and have allowed extra time for traffic. If living relatively close, then an hour is rude. Problay 10-20 minutes early is acceptable,

I think it also depends on the event. A barbecue is more fluid, then for example a dinner party.

Funnily enough, I was having a similar conversation with teen dc yesterday who quoted me this.

To think being early is as rude as being late

annabel85 · 04/10/2020 16:28

It depends on the setting. Being late is the height of rudeness (unless due to genuinely unforeseen circumstances) but we all know who people who are habitually late.

I tend to be early to account for problems with transport for example, but if i'm really early going to a house i'd even go around the block or into a shop or something to kill a bit of time because that's rude as well. If it's a public setting and i'm half an hour early then I can wait on my own.

lottiegarbanzo · 04/10/2020 16:32

Being early is worse than being late. At least you're ready and already doing the activity, by the time latecomers arrive.

TitsalinaBumSquash · 04/10/2020 16:34

I'm super early for everything but I always have a book to read in the car or some emails to send or something.
I cannot stand late people or being late myself.

JazzleRazzle · 04/10/2020 16:39

MIL used to do this. She would get a bus to the nearest town and then DH would pick her up from there (we are rural). She is one of those early morning people so would get up at 5am or whatever and get a ridiculously early bus and arrive two hours or so early and expect DH to drop everything to go and get her.

I got fed up with this (I am not an early person on weekends - I work very, very long hours all all week and want to sleep in and start slowly on a weekend morning to give my body a chance to recover from the week) as I think it is bloody rude, so the next time she did it, I answered the phone (didn’t tell DH she had rang) and told her that DH was busy and he would be there at the AGREED time.

She didn’t enjoy the two hours she spent sat outside on a bench at the bus garage in December, so that stopped the arriving early trick.

She is perfectly capable of arriving at the correct time and getting the bus she agreed to get, she just thought that as she was retired, had little to do with her time and up early as she didn’t need much sleep, then everyone else should be too.

HollywoodHandshake · 04/10/2020 16:39

@lazylinguist

I'm wondering if a high proportion of people who say they hate others being early are persistently late themselves and say it kind of defensively because they have been criticised for lateness!

more likely they haven't got all day to faff around, have things to do and would like others to have the basic consideration of giving them a chance to get ready?

People work, have kids who need to be driven to various places during the day, and might enjoy a bit of peace and quiet whilst preparing for their guests, or even a chance to have a shower? Just a thought...

HollywoodHandshake · 04/10/2020 16:41

Problay 10-20 minutes early is acceptable,

it really is not!

lazylinguist · 04/10/2020 16:42

more likely they haven't got all day to faff around, have things to do and would like others to have the basic consideration of giving them a chance to get ready? People work, have kids who need to be driven to various places during the day, and might enjoy a bit of peace and quiet whilst preparing for their guests, or even a chance to have a shower? Just a thought...

I agreed that being significantly early as described by the OP was inconsiderate and unacceptable.

MrsExpo · 04/10/2020 16:45

Very rude. Adopt a strategy of building in their “early” margin to all invitations in future.

So, if you want them to arrive at 1.00 for lunch, tell them 2.00 etc.

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 04/10/2020 16:47

@lazylinguist

I'm wondering if a high proportion of people who say they hate others being early are persistently late themselves and say it kind of defensively because they have been criticised for lateness!

Not in my case, I'm usually on time and try to be neither early or late. Last week I was invited to a friend's for 1.45. I had a choice of two trains - one would get me there 20 minutes early, the other would get me there on time provided absolutely nothing went wrong or got delayed.

I got the earlier train, then went for a coffee round the corner from her flat, so that I could arrive at 1.45.

ProudAuntie76 · 04/10/2020 16:49

I’d agree that 20 minutes early is also really not ok! I’d find that rude too.

Why do people struggle to arrive at the time they’ve been asked to?! More than five minutes either way, then you need to work on your time keeping.

baubled · 04/10/2020 16:50

I would honestly someone be running half an hour behind than half an hour in front if it was for something low key and not time critical. I'm normally using every minute spare so being early would catch me out.

lazylinguist · 04/10/2020 16:51

I got the earlier train, then went for a coffee round the corner from her flat, so that I could arrive at 1.45.

Yes that's exactly what I'd do.

PeachyLife · 04/10/2020 16:56

Would you feel the same way if it was your own parents? I don't understand why you are so rigid about nap time. Let her have fun with her nana. Perhaps they are early so they can have more time with you all, especially your DC. I have 2 boys, frightens me to think that's how DILs think actually.

Mistymonday · 04/10/2020 16:58

I have adhd and it means that I have no sense of time as a concept. There is now and there is not now. You feel time, I do not. If i don’t set alarms, 3 hours could pass and my brain thinks it was 10mins or 30 mins. It is a disability, no other way to explain it. But I tend to avoid people like you, thankfully, my friends are either late themselves or just more understanding.

Mistymonday · 04/10/2020 17:00

@Mistymonday

This was a reply to the “late people are so rude, why can’t they be on time” people. Be glad you have a brain that functions normally, you don’t know how lucky you are!

letsgomaths · 04/10/2020 17:02

If Hyacinth Bucket invites you at ten forty-five am, she expects you at ten forty-five (with shoes off), and not at ten forty-four or ten forty-six. This is in print, in Hyacinth Bucket's book of etiquette.

More seriously though, I remember being astonished at the age of twenty to learn that for social events such as parties, you were supposed to arrive a few minutes late.

lazylinguist · 04/10/2020 17:03

I have 2 boys, frightens me to think that's how DILs think actually.

Would you deliberately and unnecessarily turn up at your DIL's house an hour early then? I mean - what reason could they have for doing so, other than "We wanted to and we don't care what time you said"?

My parents and PIL usually have a window of time to arrive rather than a specific time, because it's roughly a 4 hour journey to get here, and traffic on the motorway is very variable. But if they said they'd arrive between 1 and 2:30 and turned up at bang on 12 it would be mildly annoying.

lazylinguist · 04/10/2020 17:05

This was a reply to the “late people are so rude, why can’t they be on time” people.

Late people who don't have a really good reason for being late are rude. You have a good reason.

ProudAuntie76 · 04/10/2020 17:08

This was a reply to the “late people are so rude, why can’t they be on time” people. Be glad you have a brain that functions normally, you don’t know how lucky you are!

I do have ADHD. I use timers and alarms on my phone (as you mentioned you also do) and use my watch and phone precisely because I struggle and I don’t want people to be inconvenienced by me. I really don’t see it as an excuse to be rude. You will know as well as I do that when we make an effort in the areas we struggle with, then we can be more organised and efficient than our natural states would lead us to be. Is it stressful to have to think of everything when it’s simple for everyone else? Yes! But it’s really unacceptable to be very early or late so I know I have to do it and I would expect others to do the same.

Thighdentitycrisis · 04/10/2020 17:11

They came early because you told them you planned DD to be asleep by the time they arrived and they wanted to see her, on their terms and not after adult lunch and toddler nap, on your terms.

Power struggle

BrightYellowDaffodil · 04/10/2020 17:15

I was brought up to always arrive a few minutes late for a get-together at someone's home, to allow for their last-minute rush! I've walked round the block a few times after arriving early at someone's home. Unless of course it's for a very specific, time-critical event.

Absolutely this. Those last few minutes are the time I have to do the last few things and the ideal for me is for people to be 5-10 minutes late. I’ve had people turn up so early that I was still in the bath, or getting dressed (opening the door in a half done up dress and with only one leg of my tights on probably indicated that they’d caught me on the hop. Still, since it was a surprise party for my then OH, I made them be useful and put up all the decorations ). Another friend has form for turning up half an hour early so I factor that in. Now she’s started turning up a hour early!

olympicsrock · 04/10/2020 17:20

I think it is rude to be early ( more than a couple of minutes) when going to someone’s house. They have stuff to get ready. I was brought up to believe that the perfect guest should be 5 minutes late for lunch and 15 minutes for a dinner party as the hostess would be preparing up to the last minute and would have an extra few minutes to put on lipstick / brush their hair etc and relax.
If you are meeting in a public place then late is rude.
Someone said that ‘we’ are all drilled to be 15 minutes early for work/ school etc. I was not. On time was the aim and even now in a professional role I am rarely more than 5 minutes early.

I think upbringing influences our mindset. Next time OP don’t let them in but send them to the nearest cafe for a drink to come back on time.

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