To think being early is as rude as being late

[LG93]

Disclaimer, I come from a historically late running family. I know its rude and Ive tried really hard to address it particularly since meeting DH who's family are always early for everything.

His parents ALWAYS turn up excessively early when invited over. (Usually about an hour) it's always annoyed me as it usually means I'm not home/ready for them, even more annoying since having DD who is now nearly 2 for MIL's 60th. They've come over today and DH particularly told them aim for 1.30, please no earlier than 1 as we want to get DD down for her nap first. They turned up at 12.30 mid way through toddler lunch, wound her up until DH came in and told them to go and sit in the living room and I'm now dealing with a toddler banging on her bedroom door shouting for nana as she wants to see her, which is precisely why we wanted her down before they arrived as we knew ther wouldn't be sufficient time for them to see her and her calm down before nap time. I also haven't had time to change or finish getting ready as was going to do that once she nalpes. Aibu to think this is just as rude as turning up an hour late and to consider telling them to arrive at 2 when we want them at 1 in future?

when they turned up you shouldve told them no, come back in an hour.

Then really firmly tell them that they wont be coming in again until the time agreed.
simple

It is rude to be excessively early but how on earth you can complain when you admit you are chronically late I don’t know!

Maybe they are “addressing it” just as you are “addressing” your lateness? I just don’t think that you have cause to moan about it when apparently it’s ok for you to keep others waiting yet you expect others to empathise when people’s time keeping affects you detrimentally. Now you know what it feels like eh?!

Because being late is an insult to the host, their time and their effort. I can't abide people being late. I don't mind if people are early so much although I can't imagine what would motivate someone to be an hour early.

They're your DH's parents so quite close people. A but strange to be upset with them for coming earlier.
Next time I would tell them the wrong time so everyone is fine.

DP and I have arguments about this. His parents ALWAYS turn up an hour early to any arranged event to 'help' except they don't actually help. They genuinely don't see themselves as invited guests just like everyone else and see it as an extension of their own house. They then greet/welcome other guests as if it's their event rather than ours.

They do it to DH's sisters too, one doesn't mind but the other definitely does.

Drives me nuts.

Why don't you make a list of unglamorous jobs for them to do pastabest and see if they are as keen to turn up early next time?

Just give them a later time. If you think 1pm is a good time, say 2:30pm. People like this don't change in my experience, no matter now much you ask them to. So unless you want a fall out adjust your invite.

YANBU

All of the judgemental nap police on this thread are BU.

My 2yr old will not have a nap unless she is alone in her room and strapped down in her pram. I wish she was the type of child to just fall asleep where ever she lands or while were out walking in her pram but shes not. Nap time is 12 - 2 and if she doesn't have her nap she turns into a head spinning, pea soup projectile vomiting demon child by 5. So I understand the need to stick to nap times.

@WhatifIfeellikeacat

They're your DH's parents so quite close people. A but strange to be upset with them for coming earlier. Next time I would tell them the wrong time so everyone is fine.

To an extent I do agree with that.

I suppose it depends on the relationship doesn't it?

Mine would either stay out of the way or chip in if asked.

But if they are persistently early it does sound as if they have little thought for the people they are visiting & work to what suits them instead.

@mygrandadsvest

An hour early and an hour late = equally as inconsiderate

10 minutes early to a dinner reservation/appointment etc = perfectly fine

10 minutes late to a dinner reservation/appointment etc = rude

No, totally disagree. An appointment at the doctors, sure. But at someone’s house, I don’t think so. If I’m hosting someone, I’d much rather they turned up 10 minutes late than 10 minutes early. If they’re 10 mins early, chances are there’s still shit I might need to do. It’s so much ruder time be early than late i think (I’m not talking hours, I mean 10-15 minutes)

YANBU. Turning up an hour early is deliberate, not a case of the journey having been a bit quicker than expected etc. I should think it's much more unusual than major lateness though. I hate lateness and am always on time or a tiny bit early (barring genuinely unavoidable circumstances of course).

My ils seemed to think it was funny to do this. Dm had a big party and mil was first there and it was distracting as she was effectively in the way.

She is on her own now and they were always obsessed with the traffic, parking etc but in all honesty it was because they had nothing else to do. My family are just not like this

I always used to be late, until one day my lateness cost me a job I know I'd have got.
Made the decision never to be late again, and I haven't.
The problem is now I'm always early if I didn't need the contingency time.
I feel better being early, you don't have to make yourself known at that time, you can hang around a bit. Whereas if you are late you piss people off or lose opportunities.

My Fil used to always arrive late. Like an hour or 2 late. I got sick of it and stopped waiting on him. I serve dinner at noon on the weekends. This man wouldn't show up to 130 or 2pm. He always got sidetracked and arrived late. There were several times by the time he got there we were already done including clean up. He always expected me to cook for him then. I just laughed at him and directed him to McDonalds

I think if you're meeting up in a public place, you can arrive as early as you like and use the extra time however you like. But if you're going to someone's home, and you arrive early, you're sending the exact same message a latecomer does - that you think your time is more important than there's, and they need to stop what they're doing because You've Arrived Now.

I have a friend and her family who regularly do this when I host parties, its so stressful as I'm still prepping stuff.

I think rules are different for invitations to people's houses.
Obviously, 5 mins late to an interview or to catch a train is pretty disastrous, and in these cases "on time" is actually 5-10mins early.

However if you're hosting at home you're probably trying to get as many things ready as you can before guests arrive, and it's a bit frustrating if people turn up while you're finishing off the cleaning. For at-home invitations I would not leave contingency to or aim to arrive even 5mins early, and would consider up to 15mins late to be "on time "

Yes I hate when people are early

My own punctuality fetish means that I'm ready for visitors a good half hour before they're due, so minor earliness isn't a problem at my end. I try hard not to inflict it on others, and nobody's called me out on it yet, so I hope I've been mainly successful. My ILs, however, are like OP's, and take it to extremes. I know what their motivation is: they like to get things out of the way so that they can be back in their own home and 'organised' for their peaceful evening, and they work backwards from that to achieve it. It sounds like an elderly-person thing to do, but they've always been this way. If that means turning up at mine 90 minutes before I'll be ready to dish up, tough titty.

It’s very easy to deal with people who are habitually late or early. If they’re always late give them a time 30 minutes sooner than you want them. If they’re always early give them a time 30 minutes later than you want them. You can tell I’ve had a lot of practice with this.

If someone was comming round for an informal lunch date or cup of tea and catch up kind of thing - I'd call 15 mins either side "on time".

Also, if a friend turned up early for dinner at mine, surely you just sit them in the living room with a glass of wine while you finish doing whatever you're doing in the kitchen 🤷‍♀️

Totally agree! DH and his Mum seem to think it's OK and I have always had to explain to DH that - as the hostess - I find it incredibly rude! I often prepare everything then get in the shower last - I'd be furious if some rude git decided to turn up early while I wasn't ready!

Young DCs is a whole extra problem.

Basically - if you're invited for x time that is for a reason! If they wanted you earlier they would have said so! Rude!

It's rude but if they are that predictable, of course just add an hour onto the time you actually want them there.

My DH always likes to be early but not an hour early. Left to my own devices I would err on the late side but usually only five minutes or so. Dh has rubbed off on me and I am getting earlier. When we got married I was told on pain of death not to be late. A previous wedding where I was a bridesmaid we were at least half an hour late. I was early, so early that the minister was caught on the hop and hadn't yet changed into his robes.
If people are consistently early and I hadn't finished doing stuff that needed done I would just crack on and let them sit twiddling their thumbs. Though not easy in this case of trying to get a child down for their nap. If you know them well enough perhaps give them some jobs to do ones that might make them think twice about being early again.

I'm wondering if a high proportion of people who say they hate others being early are persistently late themselves and say it kind of defensively because they have been criticised for lateness!