To think being early is as rude as being late

[LG93]

Disclaimer, I come from a historically late running family. I know its rude and Ive tried really hard to address it particularly since meeting DH who's family are always early for everything.

His parents ALWAYS turn up excessively early when invited over. (Usually about an hour) it's always annoyed me as it usually means I'm not home/ready for them, even more annoying since having DD who is now nearly 2 for MIL's 60th. They've come over today and DH particularly told them aim for 1.30, please no earlier than 1 as we want to get DD down for her nap first. They turned up at 12.30 mid way through toddler lunch, wound her up until DH came in and told them to go and sit in the living room and I'm now dealing with a toddler banging on her bedroom door shouting for nana as she wants to see her, which is precisely why we wanted her down before they arrived as we knew ther wouldn't be sufficient time for them to see her and her calm down before nap time. I also haven't had time to change or finish getting ready as was going to do that once she nalpes. Aibu to think this is just as rude as turning up an hour late and to consider telling them to arrive at 2 when we want them at 1 in future?

Ten minutes early is not perfectly fine by the way. Unless it's to an appointment where it wouldn't bother the other person. For example, if you're meeting at the pub or a restaurant or somewhere with a waiting area. Turning up early for a party or at someone's house is really annoying as they're likely to be doing the finishing touches.

OP an hour early is really annoying. Tell them to go round the block or to the local cafe etc.

I actually think you’re right. My in laws always turn up early when picking us up for lunch etc... they insist on driving every time, to the point I thunk it’s more of a control thing on their part.

Say it’s 12.30 they’re picking up. 12.20 and they’re outside. DH gets all flustered and is like ‘they’re here they’re here‘ and I’m kind ‘yeah but we stranded 12.30, they’re early so they’ll have to wait’

To be fair I’m now at the point of being ready 10 mins early to save the fall out. But yeah being early is often as annoying as being late in some respects

Are you often late when you are invited to their house?

Maybe they’re being as inconsiderate to you as you are to them 🤷🏻‍♀️

It's unfair in this instance because they were asked specifically not to arrive early and disrupt the child's nap.
I would start telling them a different time, in future. An hour early is ridiculous, imo.

I can't stand lateness either btw.

Turning up early is a massive no no I think it is ruder than being late.
At least if a guest is late the host is ready and waiting.

I used to get annoyed with my Mum in Christmas Day - Dinner is always at 3pm and she always used to turn up early morning when we were all still opening presents in our PJ''s.

Adjust your times - give them a later time than you really want them.
And don't open the door if they arrive any more than 10 minutes early. That should stop them.

I think it depends on journey time a bit. My ILs lived 3 hours away so we would never stipulate any sort of arrival time, just get here when you can as they had a long trip to get to us. Didn't care about the routine if the DC got to see their grandparents.

If they live 5 minutes away I think that's different.

Change the time! My friend has parents who have chronic lateness issues...if she wants them to be at her house for 3pm, she'll tell them 2pm. They're pretty much always then on time!

In this case tell you're PIL to get to you at 2.30pm. Ta da!

I was brought up to always arrive a few minutes late for a get-together at someone's home, to allow for their last-minute rush! I've walked round the block a few times after arriving early at someone's home. Unless of course it's for a very specific, time-critical event.

Always arrive on time for a work appointment, and a bit early if possible when you're meeting elsewhere, eg outdoors or at a cafe or a station.

I wish I could say I always managed this. Arriving a few minutes late is the easy bit ....

It's really thoughtless. Next time add an hour on to the time you want them.

If it's always the case, tell them the time you want them to be there + 1 hour. So if you want them at 1:30, say 2:30. Or if you know they turn up hour early, make sure you are ready by hour before. It's easier to change yourself than change other people.

But tbh, it's a bit annoying, but your dd wanting to see nana and no nap isn't a big deal, for once in a while.

What Hollywoodhandshake said. No excuse for being early. Sometimes being late is inevitable, no matter how hard you try but being early is never acceptable.

Good manners are about considering the other person. People who arrive early and won't sit in the car for 15 minutes or go to a cafe or stroll round the block are prioritising themselves over their hosts, who may need that 15 minutes to have a quick shower or change of clothes or a pee after preparing food or cleaning and tidying. Better five minutes late than a minute early.

How far away do they live?

I'd class this as rude, I hate it when people are excessively early. I'd rather a couple of minutes late.

@MsEllany

It is, but to be honest I would just go with the flow in those circumstances. Let her out to play with nana while you finish getting ready and then she can nap wherever she falls. When we were out visiting family or they came to us I’d put the play mat on the floor and just cover them with a blanket when they inevitably nodded off.

I have heard tell of children that just fall asleep when they are tired but neither of mine did - I would have loved them to. In that situation they would not have “nodded off” or “napped wherever they fell”. If only. They would have got crosser and crosser as they got more and more tired, screaming, losing coordination, and increasingly unable to be consoled. Can’t speak for the OPs DC of course, but that is why I would also have been cross at early arrivals!

I think it’s rude and personally would feel very awkward turning up anything more than a couple of minutes before the invited time as your host will be busy getting sorted and invite you over for a specific time for a reason!

I’ve a real thing about being on time, I couldn’t stand being late for something but I’m also a public transport user so being early happens. I always find a park bench or cafe or somewhere to skulk about.

5 minutes early is my absolute maximum, anything earlier is bad manners.

If I were you I wouldn’t have answered the door “Oh sorry we didn’t think you were coming SO early so I wasn’t listening out for the bell” or “Thought it couldn’t possibly have been you knocking at that time so just assumed it was door to door sales.”

It is so rude! I have literally no idea what on earth would possess someone to do this? "oh we've been asked to get there at half 1. Let's get there an hour before then". Why?!

Though the people suggesting to just fuck with the nap times and put up with the fallout are winding me up nearly as much.

@WorraLiberty

I remember years ago when I was doing a 4th Birthday party for my DS.

A parent from the school turned up more than an hour early, while I was still sorting food/decs etc.

She apologised and said "Once Lucy got her party dress on, she just simply had to leave there and then. You know what kids are like"

Then she made her way to the front door!

I told her she wasn't going anywhere unless she was taking 'Lucy' with her and coming back later, so she proceeded to sit there with a face like a slapped arse.

Well played.

Snuffing out that cheeky fuckery on the spot really must be done more often to stop it.

@TeamLannister

It is rude, but your rigidity is worse. You sound really hard work. Let your child see her grandparents and lighten up ffs.

Not worse. Not even close.

Thanks. As it happened, Lucy kept my over excited DS amused so I could get on with it, so it wasn't all bad 🤣

@vanillandhoney

I agree, but I would just tell them an hour later than you actually want them.

I agree

My in laws do this. They also invite people to join them without letting us know.

Luckily they've stopped just turning up, because that used to piss me the fuck off.

@BessMarvin

It is so rude! I have literally no idea what on earth would possess someone to do this? "oh we've been asked to get there at half 1. Let's get there an hour before then". Why?!

Though the people suggesting to just fuck with the nap times and put up with the fallout are winding me up nearly as much.

It's the probably the same people who find it perfectly acceptable to pop in unannounced! (and can't comprehend why others solve the problem by not opening the door )

Nap times and routines are there to make your life easier - it's not a big deal if your child is a bit tired or sleep a little later once. Your "me time" will start 30 minutes later that night, so what? Wasting so much energy to force a nap is a waste of time and energy anyway. Why would you become a martyr and refuse all invitations and events for the first 4 or 5 years of your child life because of naps and bedtime? It's silly.

I think punctuality works both ways. I don’t know why being late is classed as being worse than being early. Turn up on time or five minutes either way. Otherwise what’s the point in agreeing a time?

Early is bad, don't do it! I always assume that my host will need every available minute to tidy up and do whatever they have to do - if they are more organised than me that's great, but I won't assume that! DH has an uncle and aunt who always used to turn up early, and when DS was tiny and we were exhausted we did reach the point of just ignoring the door and waiting for them to come back in 20 mins (they never said anything, as I recall!)

Never arrive more than a few minutes early or late.