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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think being early is as rude as being late

194 replies

LG93 · 04/10/2020 13:00

Disclaimer, I come from a historically late running family. I know its rude and Ive tried really hard to address it particularly since meeting DH who's family are always early for everything.

His parents ALWAYS turn up excessively early when invited over. (Usually about an hour) it's always annoyed me as it usually means I'm not home/ready for them, even more annoying since having DD who is now nearly 2 for MIL's 60th. They've come over today and DH particularly told them aim for 1.30, please no earlier than 1 as we want to get DD down for her nap first. They turned up at 12.30 mid way through toddler lunch, wound her up until DH came in and told them to go and sit in the living room and I'm now dealing with a toddler banging on her bedroom door shouting for nana as she wants to see her, which is precisely why we wanted her down before they arrived as we knew ther wouldn't be sufficient time for them to see her and her calm down before nap time. I also haven't had time to change or finish getting ready as was going to do that once she nalpes. Aibu to think this is just as rude as turning up an hour late and to consider telling them to arrive at 2 when we want them at 1 in future?

OP posts:
Slightlybrwnbanana · 04/10/2020 13:42

If they always do it, simplest thing seems to be to give them a false time.

LiveFromHome · 04/10/2020 13:42

Your DH (or you) needs to grow the balls to answer the door and say "we told you 1.30pm, we're trying to get ready and get the baby down for a nap. Go and have a drink in the pub/coffee shop/service station down the road and we'll see you at 1.30"

And close the door on them.

That's the only way you'll stop this.

CraftyGin · 04/10/2020 13:43

I am someone who is always early (5 - 10 minutes) and will go around the block a few times so that I would get there bang on time.

If it is just your in-laws who are like this, either factor in that they will arrive early, or give them a later time.

When I have people over, we are cleaning up to the last moment, so would not be happy with early arrivals.

Not that we are having people over or going anywhere at the moment.

HeronLanyon · 04/10/2020 13:44

To someone’s home (For a kind of particular invite eg meal with a time) early is a nightmare ! If ever I’m early I go for a walk around or for a coffee somewhere. A bit late is perfect. Very late is rude.

SBTLove · 04/10/2020 13:46

It’s not ideal but I think a deviation from the nap time won’t be the end of the world. I wouldn’t be forcing a nap on a child who is banging on a door.

HollywoodHandshake · 04/10/2020 13:46

Of course it's rude. Whilst it might be difficult not to be late sometimes (public transport, traffic) you cannot always plan it perfectly, there's no reason whatsoever to be early.
You just wait somewhere!

I would still go with the flow and let your child play with their grand parents now. What's the point of forcing a nap? I am all for routines, but there are counterproductive when they make your own life harder.

CounsellorTroi · 04/10/2020 13:49

I think it is rude.

Used to hate it when people arrived early for meetings, like half an hour or more, and phoned up from reception expecting to be met and brought up immediately instead of taking a seat in reception for a bit.

nosswith · 04/10/2020 13:52

In general not. In these circumstances it causes difficulties which it would be reasonable to try to address.

EmilySpinach · 04/10/2020 13:53

I recently tried to explain this to a friend. I am not naturally punctual and I have had to work really hard on my organisation because my habitual lateness was something that I really disliked about myself. Being really early is just as bad and inconsiderate to your host.

mygrandadsvest · 04/10/2020 13:56

An hour early and an hour late = equally as inconsiderate

10 minutes early to a dinner reservation/appointment etc = perfectly fine

10 minutes late to a dinner reservation/appointment etc = rude

OchonAgusOchonO · 04/10/2020 13:57

@Sirzy - I am always about 10 minutes early, but even then if I was specifically asked not to arrive early I would sit in the car.

If people are telling you not to arrive early, that suggests that you have a reputation for it and people don't like it. I've never been told, or told anyone else, not to be early. Most people tend to arrive around the time, so sometimes a few minutes early, sometimes bang on time, sometimes a few minutes late. It's only when it's excessive that it's a problem.

OP - I have some people who are the opposite and always arrive late. I completely agree that both are equally rude.

If they've been asked repeatedly not to arrive early, I would warn them the next time they do it, you won't let them in until the agreed time. And do it.

CheeryAlmond · 04/10/2020 13:58

Can you not just go with the flow on this occasion? Missing one nap is not going to hurt her.

Yes, have a calm conversation with the ILs and mention that you told them x time so that you could get DD down, could they please stick to this in the future because it disrupts routine.. but it's unnecessary to go in all guns blazing.

Likelihood is that they've no idea that it causes problems, and while an hour early is a pain in the arse for us, they've probably not thought of it as an issue.

TeamLannister · 04/10/2020 13:58

It is rude, but your rigidity is worse. You sound really hard work. Let your child see her grandparents and lighten up ffs.

ExpectTheWorst · 04/10/2020 13:58

YANBU
Why do some people seem to have such a fluid approach to time? It's hardly a new concept, and most of us have had to factor it into our daily lives from an early age. And yet there are still those that persist in ignoring it or claiming they just can't do it.
It's a topic that crops up every now and again here on MN and I always find it facinating to read the excuses that people who are persistantly late come up with.

Wearywithteens · 04/10/2020 13:59

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

LampGenie · 04/10/2020 14:01

I had a client turn up an hour before the specified time when I was meeting him and others. I was actually in another meeting when he arrived and he spotted me, walked over, pulled up a chair, sat down and started talking about what he wanted to talk about.

It really wasn’t appropriate that he was in on the meeting I was in so I had to slowly extricate him. It ended up being fine but he really wasn’t happy he wasn’t allowed to gatecrash. It was mind boggling really

Chanjer · 04/10/2020 14:01

I can't help but arrive early for something, minimum 15 minutes, even if I try and arrive at the agreed time.

I'm aware enough not to actually go to someone's house though, but a friend recently joked that I must wait outside until time cos I always ring the bell at exactly the time I'm meant to arrive

Which is exactly what I do Grin

ZoyaTheDestroyer · 04/10/2020 14:02

Put toddler in her buggy and ask ILs to take her for a walk so she can have her nap.

zoemum2006 · 04/10/2020 14:05

I think it’s ok to be early by about 15 minutes. Sometimes you hit no traffic and the light are with you and there’s no point in sitting outside someone’s house (a strangers kids birthday party is different).

But an hour? That’s really strange.

I think I’d made them go loads of helping. There wouldn’t be guests until the appointed time.

JustanotherTuesday · 04/10/2020 14:08

My SIL's in-laws do this, one year they turned up at 9.30 on Christmas Day morning and they were still in the middle of eating a cooked breakfast.She had told them to arrive from 1pm. She hadn't come to help, she expected to be waited on whilst she watched tv.
My SIL doesn't invite her for Christmas Day any more, as it was just too stressful.

Rosebel · 04/10/2020 14:08

Inconsiderate rather than rude I think. I would always tell them an hour later than you want them to arrive.
You do sound a bit obsessed by the nap time though. She isn't going to settle if she's hysterical so let her play with her grandparents.
One late or missed nap won't hurt and you can start the routine again tomorrow.

Danglingmod · 04/10/2020 14:09

It is SO rude to be that early.

My grandparents used to turn up an hour to an hour and a half early all the time, to children's birthday parties, Boxing Day lunch, Sunday dinner, anything like that, and I would put in a crappy pair of leggings cleaning the floor or something. They'd sit and watch me finish cleaning and then sit downstairs like lemons whilst I was showering and changing or, worse, wouldn't let me change toddler ds for his own birthday party because they were playing with him.

Drove me insane. Of course, I miss them now they're both gone!

AmIACowBag · 04/10/2020 14:09

I agree it is rude. If you want them to come at 2PM tell them 3PM or even 3:30pm

AmIACowBag · 04/10/2020 14:11

You shouldn't have bothered with the nap she isnt going to settle like that is she.

HollywoodHandshake · 04/10/2020 14:11

In some places, it's actually rude to arrive on the dot when invited for lunch or diner, you are expected to be there 15 to 20 minutes later - but not more.
In other countries, it's very rude NOT to turn up on the dot.

In this country, 1 hour either way is just wrong.