To think being early is as rude as being late

[LG93]

Disclaimer, I come from a historically late running family. I know its rude and Ive tried really hard to address it particularly since meeting DH who's family are always early for everything.

His parents ALWAYS turn up excessively early when invited over. (Usually about an hour) it's always annoyed me as it usually means I'm not home/ready for them, even more annoying since having DD who is now nearly 2 for MIL's 60th. They've come over today and DH particularly told them aim for 1.30, please no earlier than 1 as we want to get DD down for her nap first. They turned up at 12.30 mid way through toddler lunch, wound her up until DH came in and told them to go and sit in the living room and I'm now dealing with a toddler banging on her bedroom door shouting for nana as she wants to see her, which is precisely why we wanted her down before they arrived as we knew ther wouldn't be sufficient time for them to see her and her calm down before nap time. I also haven't had time to change or finish getting ready as was going to do that once she nalpes. Aibu to think this is just as rude as turning up an hour late and to consider telling them to arrive at 2 when we want them at 1 in future?

My Dad is always very early. And he expects it of other people. My uncle is always late. Dad will cook dinner and say 'dinner at 2pm'. That means dinner will be on the table ready to eat. He really wants people to turn up at 1pm. But he won't tell them that!

A relative showed up (at least) 3 days early to our wedding. Which might have been fine if…

A) we lived close to the venue
B) we didn't both have full time jobs
C) it wasn't a DIY wedding where we had to make / set everything up ourselves (she didn't want to help - she wanted to be entertained).

We begged her not to do it but she kept saying we could go for cocktails. We said if she stayed x3 days after we could hang out then instead.

DH, to his credit, didn't tell me she'd actually done it and just ignored her messages and said 'you were warned'.

She's arrived at our house x3 hours early before too and had to sit on the doorstep until we got back from a house viewing we were at (again, warned that we wouldn't be home until 1 so please come at 2).

She'll also show up hours late if she prefers that time, so can't really win or premeditate it.

I hate people being early almost more than being late, I'm always at my most productive in that last mad couple of hours before people show up!

Obviously an hour early is ridiculous.

If you’re getting public transport why wouldn’t you just say “my train gets in at either x time or y time, which suits you better?”

If you’re driving for more than an hour to get somewhere, particularly rural roads with tractors to get stuck behind, then it’s pretty unlikely you’ll be able to time it accurately. In that case a host would be very inconsiderate not to factor in some leeway.

So I don’t think there’s a blanket “rule”

@olympicsrock. Completely agree. If visiting someone at home, I think arriving between 5-15 minutes late is optimal. That gives them time to do any last minute prep if they're running behind (which I always am ) but isn't so late to put them out. Worst guests are those who arrive over 15 mins early or over 15 mins late.

Have your or your other half said anything to them @LG93? Explain to them that by arriving much earlier than expected (you did give them the time you wanted them to show up at) they have disrupted their granddaughters routine and this has a knock on effect to the whole family life.
If they showed up at the time that they were expected at this wouldn't have happened.

I absolutely hate people being early, it means I'm not ready and I am more stressed. I think it's rude. I'd rather someone be a bit late!

@Mistymonday

I have adhd and it means that I have no sense of time as a concept. There is now and there is not now. You feel time, I do not. If i don’t set alarms, 3 hours could pass and my brain thinks it was 10mins or 30 mins. It is a disability, no other way to explain it. But I tend to avoid people like you, thankfully, my friends are either late themselves or just more understanding.

And I have anxiety which means I get very anxious waiting for someone who never shows up or shows up late. Their lateness makes me feel like utter shit because it’s the waiting that gives me anxiety.

It cuts both ways.

@JazzleRazzle

MIL used to do this. She would get a bus to the nearest town and then DH would pick her up from there (we are rural). She is one of those early morning people so would get up at 5am or whatever and get a ridiculously early bus and arrive two hours or so early and expect DH to drop everything to go and get her.

I got fed up with this (I am not an early person on weekends - I work very, very long hours all all week and want to sleep in and start slowly on a weekend morning to give my body a chance to recover from the week) as I think it is bloody rude, so the next time she did it, I answered the phone (didn’t tell DH she had rang) and told her that DH was busy and he would be there at the AGREED time.

She didn’t enjoy the two hours she spent sat outside on a bench at the bus garage in December, so that stopped the arriving early trick.

She is perfectly capable of arriving at the correct time and getting the bus she agreed to get, she just thought that as she was retired, had little to do with her time and up early as she didn’t need much sleep, then everyone else should be too.

Was your dh not annoyed that she was left waiting and you hadn't told him?

Are they maybe doing it to make a point about your constant lateness? I don't know if you're late to things with them as you've simply stated that you "come from a historically late running family" however if you're lateness annoys them then could this be them trying to press a point home?

"I have adhd and it means that I have no sense of time as a concept. There is now and there is not now. You feel time, I do not. If i don’t set alarms, 3 hours could pass and my brain thinks it was 10mins or 30 mins. It is a disability, no other way to explain it. But I tend to avoid people like you, thankfully, my friends are either late themselves or just more understanding."

But surely you can keep an eye on a clock to get yourself there roughly on time? I had a friend who used a similar excuse, would happily have me standing in town sometimes on freezing cold/rainy days for about an hour each time, shivering my arse off just because she didn't respect me or my time enough to put measures in place to enable her to be there roughly on time. When I eventually started waiting only 10 minutes after the agreed time and just leaving if she wasn't there by then, she miraculously got a grip on her time issues and started showing up roughly on time give or take 5/10 mins.

My in laws do this and it drives me absolutely crazy. YANBU!

Where does everyone live where they're a nearby cafe to sit in, esp on a Sunday??

Even if there is no cafe, you wait at the train station or in your car, it's not that difficult.

All this waiting in cafes and cars or train stations. These are our parents we are talking about, the ones who brought us up and made sacrifices along the way. But they can't be let into homes a bit early? Call me old fashioned but I can't really understand it.

I cannot fathom arriving early. What the fuck? Just arrive at the time you have been invited. Why would you be early? How rude.
Friend of mine always used to arrive super early and it drove me mad, til one evening when she'd been invited for dinner and I had to run out to the shop for something essential, she turned up ridiculously early as usual and had to wait outside in the rain for twenty minutes til I got back.

Sparklingbrook, I totally agree with you. Within family, I really don't think it's a big deal.

Once my fil turned up 7 in the morning unannounced. I was still in pjs and I was told off for being lazy. But that's family, and I don't hold a grudge, thought it was quite funny.

My in-laws have always done this, so now, if it’s just me who’s going to be home, or even if not, I’m deliberately out until the agreed time, or obviously otherwise engaged - in the shower, mowing the lawn etc, to make it obvious that they are not welcome! Yeah, I’m a cow, but I have other bugbears that mean I’m not particularly bothered what they think of me!

If I’m due to be there at 19:00 then I’m not knocking on that door before 18:58.

I don't want you knocking until 19.00 - to me it means 19.00 at the earliest and anything within the next 10-15minutes is fine (obviously not for an appointment or interview, but for coming to my house).

YANBU. A little early or late either side is fine (eg 5-10 mins!). But really early is rude, I agree. MIL does this all the time, turns up a good 20-30 mins early and then announces when we let her in "I know I'm early". Well don't come so early if you know you are, or wait in the car for 5-10 minutes until a more acceptable time!

People who are always late do annoy me too though, and I used to be a late person in my early 20's - I realised how rude it is as it gives the impression your time is more important. Five minutes is fine, 10 minutes too as long as it's not every single time without fail.

Why is it always MILs who do this?

HollywoodHandshake

BessMarvin

It is so rude! I have literally no idea what on earth would possess someone to do this? "oh we've been asked to get there at half 1. Let's get there an hour before then". Why?!

Though the people suggesting to just fuck with the nap times and put up with the fallout are winding me up nearly as much.

It's the probably the same people who find it perfectly acceptable to pop in unannounced! (and can't comprehend why others solve the problem by not opening the door grin )

Nap times and routines are there to make your life easier - it's not a big deal if your child is a bit tired or sleep a little later once. Your "me time" will start 30 minutes later that night, so what? Wasting so much energy to force a nap is a waste of time and energy anyway. Why would you become a martyr and refuse all invitations and events for the first 4 or 5 years of your child life because of naps and bedtime? It's silly.

A few things I don't understand here. She rightfully complaining that her selfish in laws have just made their lives harder by ignoring what they've asked, she hasn't said she's turning down all invitations

What happens at 4/5? Obviously not naps stopping as that's a good while before then. And going to bed at night isn't stopping as that happens never. I have a 4 year old so I'm curious.

It's rude.
I'm quite flexible with 5/10 minutes either way but more than that is rude to me.

@PeachyLife

Would you feel the same way if it was your own parents? I don't understand why you are so rigid about nap time. Let her have fun with her nana. Perhaps they are early so they can have more time with you all, especially your DC. I have 2 boys, frightens me to think that's how DILs think actually.

They get a whole extra hour so that's worth them just ignoring their wishes and doing what they like?

And you're worried that your future dils might get annoyed if you disregard their wishes and just rock up at their house whenever you feel like, completely disrupting them for your own selfish reasons? This frightens you? OK

PIL used to do this and it drove me mad. It was because they literally had nothing else to do, we were their whole lives (which was extremely suffocating but that’s a whole different issue).

Once they turned up over an hour early and I was still in my PJs, breastfeeding on the sofa. I ignored the knocking, and then they tried the door! I eventually let them in, and proceeded to go upstairs with DD to finish feeding, leaving them alone downstairs. DH got an angry text at work and he had a word with them.

MIL has since died and FIL, for all his faults, at least arrives on time when he visits. Think he’d rather die on the spot than witness me breastfeeding.

YANBU OP, it’s very rude. Only thing you can do is tell them a later time, so that when they still arrive early, you’re at least ready for them.