To think being early is as rude as being late

[LG93]

Disclaimer, I come from a historically late running family. I know its rude and Ive tried really hard to address it particularly since meeting DH who's family are always early for everything.

His parents ALWAYS turn up excessively early when invited over. (Usually about an hour) it's always annoyed me as it usually means I'm not home/ready for them, even more annoying since having DD who is now nearly 2 for MIL's 60th. They've come over today and DH particularly told them aim for 1.30, please no earlier than 1 as we want to get DD down for her nap first. They turned up at 12.30 mid way through toddler lunch, wound her up until DH came in and told them to go and sit in the living room and I'm now dealing with a toddler banging on her bedroom door shouting for nana as she wants to see her, which is precisely why we wanted her down before they arrived as we knew ther wouldn't be sufficient time for them to see her and her calm down before nap time. I also haven't had time to change or finish getting ready as was going to do that once she nalpes. Aibu to think this is just as rude as turning up an hour late and to consider telling them to arrive at 2 when we want them at 1 in future?

@Dillo10

Being very late or very early shows disregard for the other person's time.

Different context but I have not given someone a second stage interview on the basis that they turned up 40 minutes early. It was sales role with lots of client facing meetings and I couldn't cope with the idea of them doing the same in that situation!

I do understand you can explain this to someone but really if they didn't know by the age of 35ish there's no hope

So basically YANBU

yes this! I remember my in laws turning up embarrassingly early (like 2 hours) which meant disaster for dh who was going to get a lovely bouquet made up for my birthday, obviously this couldn't happen and he was gutted as left present-less. house still dirty as I hadn't down the oor or hoovering yet. apparently - they brought BIL who told us, - they had no regard for our invite for tea and cake at 4pm and insisted on setting out to ours after directly after lunch, I think coz they were bored.

Next time ‘aim for 1:30, we won’t be home until 1’. Adjust times to suit.

Oh, my PIL do this sometimes. Once they were an hour early, we had just started eating lunch and didn't have enough food to invite them to join us. I was a bit put out and MIL told me afterwards she thought I was rude for not just throwing a pizza in the oven from the freezer. Tbh we don't have a freezer full of food for unexpected visitors. If we'd actually invited them for lunch, we would obviously have catered...I realised afterwards it's just different lives. They're retired, very hospitable (in normal times) and like it when people call in unexpectedly/can be vague about times. We have much less free time and have to be more precise.

And people who haven't had to care for a toddler for decades (or never, or who have more easy going DC) don't get it.

Excessively early - yes that's rude.

5 or 10 minutes early is fine

That's so strange! Has your DH ever addressed their bizarre timing? I think 10 mins either side of agreed time is acceptable, but an hour early I'd just be so confused.

Being late is much ruder, by far.

It is rude, but just like with late people, you have to manage them; so if you know they always turn up an hour early, tell them an hour later than the time you actually want.

It is rude, in your situation I would let your DD to sit/play with MIL and sit down with a coffee. Also getting ready I would not bother as they have turned too early.

So, if I’m in pyjamas, so be it.
Need a shower, no time so I’ll shower tonight.
Style hair and apply make- up, if I want to I will, if it’s expected I won’t.
Need a few minutes of peace, I’d bugger off to the bathroom and lock the door while DH deals with his parents.

@FourTeaFallOut - Being late is much ruder, by far.

I disagree. Both are equally rude.

@FourTeaFallOutnope being early is really really rude imo as how can you be a good host if they're there and nothing is ready? being late with a phone call apologising is ok isn't it?

For most things if I have control (and a long journey) I will aim to be very early, check that my destination is where I think it is then go off somewhere sensible to wait... So coffee shop, pub, public car park, walk along the beach/ in park etc.

Then aim to arrive about 5-10 minutes early (for an interview - would then head to toilet/freshen make up) or on time for something at someone's house. If a dinner out I might get there slightly earlier if there was a bar area.

I get being rigid about toddler naps because if you miss the window you get an overtired grumpy child who will probably be horrendous for the rest of the day and risk bad night as well.

Both mine were quite flexible about naps most of the time. If they were in an inflexible phase I'd be more careful than most of the time, especially if night sleep was going badly as well.

Don't answer the door.

My friend does it. She says it's because she believes lateness is rude. This is probably somewhat true, but there are other factors at play.
She tends to be anxious and finds being on time too close to lateness. She doesn't take account of when things are actually going to start. At the cinema, for example, I would aim to get there during the adverts. She will get here half an hour before the adverts start. She will turn up at my house half an hour early, probably because she wants longer to here as it makes a change from home.
I find excessive ear lines as rude as lateness. If someone does this regularly, there will definitely be some sort of issue/s driving it.

Ear lines = earliness

Aibu to think this is just as rude as turning up an hour late and to consider telling them to arrive at 2 when we want them at 1 in future?

I would have started doing this as soon as it became clear that they always arrive an hour early.

If they are always about an hour early I can't think why you would tell them the correct time & reasons for it tbh.

Maybe this time it was deliberate to see GD before her nap?

I think people get confused in general as it’s been instilled in us to always ensure we are at least 15 minutes early for school/work/job interviews, to allow for traffic etc.

However, I think it’s really damn rude to show up early for a meal/visit to friends and family. An hour is ridiculous. I get to places early and then wait round the block and catch up with emails or read a book or, if I’m super early, I’d go for a coffee etc and always ensure I arrive on the dot.

If I’m due to be there at 19:00 then I’m not knocking on that door before 18:58.

I think it’s rude to even be 15 minutes early for dinner in all honesty. If someone says “Come round at 7” then they mean 7. Not quarter to or quarter past. If they say “let’s aim to eat around 7”, then I’d ask for clarification of what time to get there. And I’d show up at that time, no more than a couple of mins late or early.

@valtandsinegar

Don't answer the door.

I don't get not answering the door to close family, these are husband's parents not chuggers or Jehovah's Witnesses.

Do what the Come Dine With Me host did when someone turned up early. She made her wait outside until she was ready to let her in. I dont suppose the inlaws would be ok with that though.

If you want them over at 1:00, tell them 2:30

So rude and really annoying.
Wouldn't happen to me twice.

Generally though, aren't early visitors just left to their own devices until the allotted time?

It's rude either way and I hardly know which is worse! PiL were notoriously late for everything, even funerals, and after hannging around with food spoiling once or twice, I adapted my invitations. If I wanted them to come to afternoon tea, I asked them for lunch. It worked a treat!

In OP's case, invite them for an hour after you want to see them and all will be well. They need never know.

I’ll never forget the time when my uncle and aunt arrived as we were still eating lunch. They’d been invited for tea.

I HATE people being early. I would rather they were late. I am never ready and so it's stressful and annoying. If they were my in laws and they kept doing this when asked not to I'd have asked them to go and wait somewhere.