Two bed house in ideal place, or a bedroom for each child?

[Mooseflake]

I'm a single mum of two DSs, aged 12 & 14. I've recently had my divorce settlement so I'm finally able to move out of our rented house and buy our own home.

I've seen a 2 bedroom house in a very desirable village, Ive always wanted to live there. Think chocolate box houses and a pretty high street. The house is well within my means, and I think I could do it up and make a good profit on it within a few years. It's a bit further away from my work, and the school, but I think house prices are going to rocket there so it's a bit of a bargain.

My ex thinks I should buy a 3 bedroom house so the DSs can each have their own room, but I can't afford one in that village. It would have to be in the nearby town, where they go to school, and closer to where ExH lives, so its' more convenient in some ways but it's nowhere near as pretty.

My DSs say they dont mind sharing a room. AIBU to buy the 2 bed?

Surely the fire risk is the same whether both DNs are in that room together, or they're both in there with a dividing wall between them. In both cases, they'd still escape the same way - out of the window of the one lucky boy who still has one.

Well no the risk isn’t the same, there’s additional delay if you have to go out of your room and into another room before you can get out of a window, during that time the fire spreads. Also there may be fire on the landing preventing you from leaving your room. The fire regulations are this way for a reason and they are not optional, she will not get building regs sign off for the work if she divides the bedrooms.

I really don’t understand why she can’t save her dream for a few years. Her kids will be gone in a few years’ time and she can move to the village then.

If she thinks the opportunity to buy in that village won’t come up again then how about she buys the village house and rents it out, and uses that money to rent somewhere in the town? until the DC have flown the nest?

I had imagined that the windowless room would be accessed via the original bedroom - so one door from the landing, then an internal door to the other room. So in that case, if there's a fire on the landing - both boys would be equally stuck and can both get out of the window?

I don't know the layout of the rooms though, so I'll make sure she considers that. I've no idea whether the promise of a partition wall is just bullshit to appease her DSs though, to make them believe they'll have their own rooms.

They've never shared a room, and they do fight quite a bit, so it won't be a popular choice I'm sure.

I've no idea why she won't wait - She's always been like this with money. The minute she has it she wants to spend it. She's always in debt, even when she was married. I can't see this working out the way she planned it.

I also think she's so set against renting that she won't consider investing the money and renting somewhere else. The DNs are excited to be owning their own home, she's sold them a dream.

It doesn't matter whether you or your sister think there is a fire risk with the proposed room division, the point is that it would be a massive breach of building regulations so it's a non-starter. That means that (a) if it comes out, she could get prosecuted - and, after all, unless she is going to keep her sons't friends from visiting, it will come out; and (b) she'd have to take the dividing wall down and make good if or when she sells.

I can't believe all the people telling you to take the 3 bed to make life easier for your EXH and DSs. EXH no longer has a say so ignore him, the boys will fit around you as long as you're happy they'll be fine. They'll be off living their own lives in a few years anyway. Get the 2 bed in the pretty village, you'll always regret it if you don't

"23:45Mooseflake

And to make it worse, she took DNs to a house viewing in town - a lovely 3 bed house near their school. They loved it, and were really excited about it. I didn't agree with her taking them to a viewing and getting their hopes up if they had no intention of living there."

I consider this to be an abusive manoeuvre on your sisters behalf. I have sympathy for her wish to buy into the fantasy of a chocolate box cottage/potential to make money. Women are sold these ideals as the be all and end all. I think she is probably struggling to see clearly, and has unwittingly set her heart on what will be a mis-step. I'm not sure how you can help/dissuade her. I suggest you brace & steel yourself to support her/your nephews in the coming difficult years if the cottage purchase goes ahead! Hang in there. Wishing you all well x

Presumably the boys will choose to live with their dad quite quickly and dsis won't be bothered to drive to get them at weekends to see them either. Mothering job complete.

If you are so set on this house, consider allowing your lads the two rooms upstairs and buying a good quality sofabed downstairs and sleep in the living room. You'll need a storage space for your stuff. It works for a few families I know.

Your DS's kids should be her priority. She's being very selfish putting her needs/wants above theirs. The oldest will still be in education for at least another 3 yrs, could be more. They are going to massively resent being stuck in a village, 45 mins from everything and sharing a room. Even with a dividing wall, one kid has to pass through the other's room so still no proper privacy and that's going to be harder as they get older. What have your parents said to her, especially as your elderly Dad will be expected to provide free labour?

We had to make a similar decision a few years back when the children were much younger. We chose buy the bigger house in the town and it turned out to be a really good move. It’s good for teens to have their own space and at some point they will move out but they will always have their own room to come back to.

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Yes he would gladly have custody of the DSs, but it would involve changing the boys school again, which he is reluctant to do. He's concerned about the disruption to their lives. Also my DSis would obviously fight hard not to lose custody.

If she wants to keep the kids, she has to keep them happy at 12 & 14 it's a waste of time fighting via the courts. Can you imagine a court the boys stand up, "I want to live with Dad as I hate living in a cupboard in a cliquey village and mum won't take me to meet my friends" no court would go against the boys wishes.

Other than the moving school this might actually be the best for the kids.

The only saving grace about the village is the kids might meet local friends on the bus. But at the same time they might not gel with them villages can be very cliquey places.

I'd suggest the boys' father talks to them about schools and whether they would really mind moving again as an alternative to spending the next few years squashed into this tiny house.

Good luck to your sister when the boys are a couple years older and wanting more space for having friends/girlfriends over, hobbies etc. Instead they will be crammed in a tiny cottage. I imagine they will soon be doing everything they can to spend as little time in the house as possible - playing out, eating/staying over at friends/girlfriends.

Some people really shouldn't have children and your DSIS is one of them. I feel so sorry for your DNs. I think their father should have a talk with the boys to let them know that living with him is a serious possibility if they would prefer it, he could look at schools local to him and discuss the options with them. As for shoving a kid in a pokey room without a window FGS, it makes my blood boil.

I imagine they will soon be doing everything they can to spend as little time in the house as possible - playing out, eating/staying over at friends/girlfriends

Yip mum will never see them, they'll end up spending half their time elsewhere. The oldest is 14, he could be driving in less than 3 years. I can see a deal coming from DDad "I'll get you a car as long as you drive DBrother to mine"

@Mooseflake

I had imagined that the windowless room would be accessed via the original bedroom - so one door from the landing, then an internal door to the other room. So in that case, if there's a fire on the landing - both boys would be equally stuck and can both get out of the window?

I don't know the layout of the rooms though, so I'll make sure she considers that. I've no idea whether the promise of a partition wall is just bullshit to appease her DSs though, to make them believe they'll have their own rooms.

They've never shared a room, and they do fight quite a bit, so it won't be a popular choice I'm sure.

I've no idea why she won't wait - She's always been like this with money. The minute she has it she wants to spend it. She's always in debt, even when she was married. I can't see this working out the way she planned it.

The building regs issue is really serious, and totally non-negotiable.

If the fire was in the half of the room with the window (his brother having a sneaky cigarette, for instance) the brother in the windowless room would have no means of escape, and would die because no-one could reach him. This is why it’s not allowed under the regs.

But it seems to me that your lovely sister doesn’t care about any aspect of her children’s welfare, so why I think she’d be worried about this, I don’t know.

They're only going to be at home for four more and six more years respectively, why shouldn't you buy somewhere that you'll love living long term?

If your ex is so keen on the idea of a three bed then he can give you the extra cash to buy one in the village that you like.

@LittleGwyneth

They're only going to be at home for four more and six more years respectively, why shouldn't you buy somewhere that you'll love living long term?

If your ex is so keen on the idea of a three bed then he can give you the extra cash to buy one in the village that you like.

I’d read the rest of the thread, or at least the OPs posts, before you weigh in again, @LittleGwyneth

I’d read the rest of the thread, or at least the OPs posts, before you weigh in again, @LittleGwyneth

What the bit where the op says that it's a reverse and this is about her sister whom she doesn't agree with?

This doesn't change the response to the scenario given.

I had imagined that the windowless room would be accessed via the original bedroom - so one door from the landing, then an internal door to the other room. So in that case, if there's a fire on the landing - both boys would be equally stuck and can both get out of the window?

As a PP said, it’s irrelevant whether you or your sister think the fire risk is increased or not or what layout she comes up with. Building regs say you need a window from each first floor bedroom, end of.

If there is a fire you are supposed to have direct access to outside. Not move from one room to another incase there is a fire in the room you need to exit through.

A house with the amount of soft furnishings and timber will be fully ablaze in 4 minutes.

The fire brigade will not think to check what looks like a cupboard for anybody.

Reading on aibu you'd think sometimes children sharing a room is paramount to child abuse!!!

I grew up in a 4 bed house....but had 7 siblings, single parent and a grandparent. We managed, we turned the dining room into an extra bed room

Think outside the box.... Can you divide a room into 2? Can you get a fold down bed in the lounge, can you change a dining room into a bedroom?

I have 2 kids, in a 2 bed (they're b/g) and me and DH have a Murphy bed in the lounge so they can have their own rooms, but if they had both been boys they'd be sharing. It's a stepping stone house so we can save to move to our perfect area.

I'd personally go for a nicer area, I've lived in bad areas and lost sleep over people throwing things at the house, had arguments with "bad" neighbour's.

NameyNoo92 read the Ops posts.
Her sister intends to put one boy in a partitioned area with no window!

@LittleGwyneth

They're only going to be at home for four more and six more years respectively, why shouldn't you buy somewhere that you'll love living long term?

If your ex is so keen on the idea of a three bed then he can give you the extra cash to buy one in the village that you like.

Why? The information we have is that the settlement is already very generous. Why should the ex have to shell out more (even assuming he has more available) to indulge OP's sister's every whim? Suppose she ordains that she must have a mansion complete with crystal chandeliers, basement cinema and olympic sized swimming pool otherwise it's the shared bedroom for the boys - should he pay up for all that lot?

So sorry to hear that, OP. It must be so painful to watch your sister make such obviously detrimental decisions for her teenage sons.

I don't think there is much more you can do to persuade her. In fact maybe it will make her digg her heels in even deeper.

Is there anyone else who can have a word? Your dad telling her no way is he going to help renovate the house at his age?

It must be so painful to watch. Just try and be there for your nephews. I guess this involves not falling out with your sister over such a selfish decision. Good luck and my sympathies.