To be annoyed at new boss' pregnancy?

[Biscoffscoff]

Ok so I know I probably am. But I need to vent (and preferably not at a pregnant woman) And maybe get some advice about boundaries.

I work in child protection, and it's a stressful job. I'm not going to complain about that part - you have to accept that when you choose the role. But having a good manager makes a massive difference to being able to do the job without burning out, especially as good supervision helps deal with the emotional side of the work. The nature of the job means it's very difficult for people to cover if a manager isn't available - not just because the other managers are too busy with their teams but even if they were free, the manager needs to know the families and the dynamics to be able to help.

The woman who got the managers job used to do (my level) job years ago, so she knows what it's like to be in it. She left to move away from front line work as she wanted more a break/more predictable hours. I was surprised to hear that she'd gone for the job.

A month into post and she's announced her pregnancy. She's already had to take quite a lot of time off sick, or working from home - the team aren't WFH and not having the manager in the building is difficult.

I can't help but be a little bit peed off that she went for this job. She got married earlier in the year and from what I've heard from colleagues in her old team, she was very open about hopes of starting a family once she was married. I know noone knows when/if it's going to happen when TTC but her old job was secure and far less stress, so I just feel a bit peeved that she chose this time to go for this job. I can't imagine that she would/could return to the post after mat leave - the job really isn't accommodating for childcare. I know thats not very feminist but it's the reality - its mainly a female workforce and people usually move out of this part to have kids and move back when they're older.

New boss is already asking me to cover for tasks when she's not in, or in late/leaving early, eg supporting less experienced colleagues. I'm also struggling with the idea that I've got no real support for the next six months - doesn't feel like there's any point getting her up to speed when she'll be off soon.

How do I put in boundaries about the extra work that's being expected of me when new boss isn't around? And how do I get past being annoyed that new boss is going to be just passing through, and not really there for support ?

you can't tell someone when ttc, but why would she go for the job if she was trying ? it has rather left you up the creek, is there anyone else who some of the load can be delegate to ?

YABU. She's allowed to live her life too, and apply for jobs despite being pregnant. It's not her fault that the management of the trams is so bad

YABU

So she isn't allowed to go for that kind of job if TTC? I get it's a little annoying, but at the same time it's really fucking annoying as a woman for people to expect us to put our lives on hold so we can bear a child.

YABU and your views should remain in the dark ages.

Women's careers should not be put on hold, or disadvantaged, due to the fact they want to have children.

Can you go above her to air concerns, if she's not going to be emotionally or physically available to her team then what is her purpose?

As for her asking you, can you just say you don't feel comfortable with that as it's not in your remit.

No wonder women are paid less if some think that you need to stick in your current job in case you conceive. Obviously YABU

However you're entitled to feel annoyed at not being supported, just remember anyone can quit, go off with stress or cancer or bereavement or a million other things, so suck up your pregnancy annoyance. Do you have a good relationship with other managers at her level, her manager, a mentor? You may need to seek support elsewhere

I understand your frustration but it's better aimed at structure of your department whereby you won't have adequate support when she goes on maternity and where you have to cover her tasks when she has appointments. You cannot be annoyed that she is having a baby after taking a job she wants - would you think the same of a man whose partner becomes pregnant? Of course not.

YABU

@romeolovedjulliet no, the people being delegated to are those of us in the team who have experience. They can't employ anyone else until she's on mat leave, at which point theyll get someone temporary

@glummymcglummerson I don't expect to tell someone when to try, I do wonder why you'd switch to a job like this when you're trying. And the management of the teams isn't really relevant, it's how the job is and always has been and it is something you have to make peace with if you do the job. You wouldn't go for a job as a junior doctor or police officer and assume you can a) work flexi and b) that people can instantly pick up complicated work without there being any impact on the service or your colleagues.

Yabu. You shouldn’t complaint about her but about your boss. If you’re getting part of the job she should be doing then it’s because of your boss deciding it. They should be replacing her instead whilst she’s off if it’s going to be for long.

[quote Biscoffscoff]@romeolovedjulliet no, the people being delegated to are those of us in the team who have experience. They can't employ anyone else until she's on mat leave, at which point theyll get someone temporary

@glummymcglummerson I don't expect to tell someone when to try, I do wonder why you'd switch to a job like this when you're trying. And the management of the teams isn't really relevant, it's how the job is and always has been and it is something you have to make peace with if you do the job. You wouldn't go for a job as a junior doctor or police officer and assume you can a) work flexi and b) that people can instantly pick up complicated work without there being any impact on the service or your colleagues.[/quote]
It took me 18m ttc. Some people takes them ages. Should we stop our life’s because we’re ttc? Do you know how long had she been doing it for ? Maybe she was fed up of not getting pregnant and thought a career change was whar she needed

Of course she was entitled to go for the job.

Will there not be proper maternity cover ? Could you discuss proper pay and acknowledgment of the extra duties you will take on ?

I have been a child protection team manager both whilst pregnant and as a mum. I don't know why you think it's not possible for women to fulfill this role.

It sounds very much like you are saying that women of a child bearing age should just never get promoted in safeguarding jobs. Trot on, OP.

No wonder women are paid less if some think that you need to stick in your current job in case you conceive. Obviously YABU

YABU not the OP and I say this as a career mum currently feeding my 6 month old DS. Women who take the piss like OP’s boss are largely to blame for the issues lots of women face in the work place.

Unreasonable to go for a promotion whilst TTC? Of course not

Unreasonable to go for a promotion you know you probably can’t fulfil whilst pregnant, managing a team heavily dependant on you, whilst newly married and TTC.... MASSIVE CF!!!

I would say exactly the same were a man to go for a promotion whilst facing issues that would mean him being absent from the office/ unable to fulfil the role for a substantial period also. It’s just a crappy thing to do.

YABU. It's not up to anyone else when a couple are TTC. You never know - it might take years, it may be quick, it may never happen.

Firstly...cool name 😉

I do think it’s unreason to be annoyed that she is pregnant as you’re focusing your annoyance on her alone. It’s not unreasonable to be annoyed that you now have very little support and there should be something put in place to address that. Surely that will have a detrimental effect. If you can’t cover the extra work, be upfront and just say it doesn’t work for you as you already overstretched. That makes it her problem to do something about or her managers then?

YANBU

I can’t stand women who do this.

For those saying I'm in the dark ages, the job isn't necessarily a promotion. The other role she was in was a more strategic role, so the pay and opportunities are good and the working conditions easier. The sector is mainly female, most people do this specific part of the job either before kids or once the kids are grown up. There are other frontline roles where the work is more planned/predictable if she really wanted front line. It's public sector so there's no additional pay attached to this team despite the extra workload, so I honestly can't see that not doing this job would impact a career in any way.

We will have support once she goes on mat leave as they can get agency in then. But it means at least another two short term managers which is depressing when a relationship with the manager is important to do the job, and it's exhausting getting people up to speed and opening up to them for the emotional support when you know they'll only be around a couple of months.

YABU, it's her role and, if she continues working in this field she has many working years ahead of her, maternity is a very short period in comparison.

YANBU to be clear around understanding what cover is in place during the leave. You would have to do this if a man or woman needed to take a leave of absence for any other reason e.g ill health or an unexpected event. In short, life goes on and jobs need to work around them.

So much for women wanting equality when their own sex thinks like this.

Maybe she wasn’t expecting to concieve so quickly, maybe she had been trying for a while and had no luck? As someone said why should you put your life on hold while TTC.

No one knows what is going on behind closed doors.

You have a right to be frustrated, but your frustration is aimed at the wrong person.

Of course you are being wildly unreasonable for all the reasons given. To add one more- it's batshit to complain that a job sucks you dry and then think it's remotely OK to think a woman shouldn't prioritise the fact she's having a baby.

Having recently had a breakdown from a job that eats your soul I do understand exactly why you feel this way, but you are projecting.

How do I put in boundaries about the extra work that's being expected of me when new boss isn't around?

You say no. You give 100% to the job and not one inch more. You accept that you can only do what you can do and you work your contracted hours and that's it.

I do know how hard that advice is when you desperately want to help the kids involved and are frustrated that not enough is done but I also know what happens when you do too much.

It is not your job to solve the resourcing issues and no-one can discipline you for doing what you are paid to well, no.matter how much they threaten. Ignore the 'everyone else manages' guilt trips and keep a good audit trail of when you say no.

You’re being a bit dramatic OP. They won’t leave a team without a manager, so there will be cover in place.

Also, it's literally not your concern whether the other role was better for her etc. She's not being U, you'd be better focussing on your role and how you're going to adapt during the period - with appropriate boundaries if you think there's scope for you to be put upon.

YABU to be annoyed at her life choices but YANBU to want support if you're being expected to do part of her job for her. This happened to my friend working for CAFCAS and it was a nightmare. It's already such a stressful job and hours well over what's contracted that if you have to pick up the slack for somebody else as well it's awful. That's not your pregnant boss's fault though, you need to have a meeting with someone higher up and formally agree what tasks you are expected to cover, whether you will be getting paid for them, who will be providing support for your team etc.