Mum says she wishes she never had children as 'life was better without them'

[toothfairy73]

I have just seen this headline in a Newspaper. A anonymous mum has written this letter stating the above.

apple.news/A7zR8oawtR6OFxqP2tijb6g

What are your thoughts? I'm sure we have all had moments where we miss our old lives. It sounds like it is written by someone deeply unhappy and in need of some support. AIBU to think this is someone who is desperate for a bit of time alone and some support?What do you think?

It seems to be the lack of support that's an issue ie partners/husband

The article comes across like the writer has a lot of nostalgia for being in her 20s, but I don't think things would necessarily be as rosy as she thinks if she'd stayed childfree. It gets harder to keep in touch with people, you get tireder and do less, and generally, life becomes more sensible and predictable. There's no guarantee her marriage would still be like a rom com.

I do sympathise with her, because it sounds like she doesn't get time to go out and be herself. She should definitely try to make some friends who have more in common than just mumhood. Also, the career thing. Yeah, I'm going through that myself and planning to retrain because current career is just dead right now. But things could be very different in a few years.

Oh my mum has always said she wishes she'd never had children. She used to say she could have been this, she could have done that, if she hadn't had children. It's bollocks, she wouldn't have done anything.

I would never say such things to my own children.

@AwaAnBileYerHeid

*I’m curious. The mother’s that regret. What do you envisage you’d be doing?

I went to university, 3 years of professional Exams, good job, high pay, fantastic life in central London.

In my twenties.*

And that obviously suited you at that time in your life. However some women still enjoy travelling, exploring their own hobbies, changing careers etc, completely unburdened at any age. Personally I can't imagine my me years just being in my twenties and that that's me done.

Different strokes for different folks.

I didn’t regard the change as “that’s me done”

Rather a new chapter that I feel in my thirties and forties more happier and suited to than central London, young and highly ambitious corporate work, very social group spending vast pints of socialising, weekend verity treatments, long boozy lunches most weekends etc

It was fabulous. Absolutely fab, 10 years in zone 1 , flat sharing with friends and earning a very decent salary.

Now, moved out, much more countryside walks, long boozy lunches are a lovely treat rather than just routine, pottering, making a nice home, interior design etc.

So it isn’t the end. Start of new chapter, one is which with my children.

I have loved both experiences.

I’m child free by choice. I’ve always known I never wanted children. I felt no pressure to have any nor has anyone ever queried my choice either, luckily I found a man who felt the same! We chose sleep, money, holidays, weekend breaks.....freedom basically and we have no regrets whatsoever. We are middle aged now and thankfully, able to enjoy a full and happy retirement.

I felt this way for years and then after pressure I had DS at 41 and he changed my life. I knew if I didn't try to have a child I'd lose my OH. After 2 miscarriages it happened and I never looked back. My life was shit before him and yes it's really tough as we have zero support but I'd never ever regret having him.

I think a lot of it is about whether you made a conscious decision to have kids or not, and what you had them for.

I was always determined I wouldn't have kids. Got overcome with the biological urge in my late twenties, but waited and considered and went back and forth - had my first child at 32. Now pregnant with no 2 at 35.

In the end I decided I had to do it, because I wanted so badly to love someone completely. I didn't want anything "out of it". I knew it would be hard work. But I had do much love in me and I wanted to give it to someone who deserved it rather than keep wasting it on people I kept elevating on my mind to make them "worthy" of it and it kept on turning out to be a disappointment.

And I do. I love her completely and it is WONDERFUL. Just what I had wanted.

I hadn't banked on the effect of her total refusal to sleep as a baby, her high needs, and how much I'd be anxious about whether I was a good enough mother. That was all bloody hard. Didn't anticipate how hard it would be for my partner either, and I know he has had moments he has regretted becoming a father.

But I never ever have. Because I only had a child because I really, really couldn't not (as opposed to feeling like it was just "what you do"), and I didn't expect anything other than what I got.

Looking forward to doing it all again with more experience and more confidence.

However I do think SN would have s massive role. Not that I assume all SN parents wish they hadn't had their kids - I knoe enough of them to know that isn't so. But if I'm having s tough day with my daughter, I can remind myself it's s phase, it will pass, she will learn and grow and change. For parents who have no realistic hope of this for their children, and whose anticipated 20 some years of heavy responsibility has instead become a lifetime of self-sacrifice and care... I have nothing but total respect for those parents, and they can feel any way they feel about it they damn well please. They have been dealt a really really difficult and unexpected hand.

This is why I haven't had children. I think I'd regret it. Out of 5 close friends 3 regret having children. I can't bear the thought of being miserable raising kids.

Before my kids I lived in a city, had a great wage and a decent career. Company car, had money to burn on nice things, lived in a nice place, had an easy life and was a healthy weight.
I’m now a single mum on benefits, with no money to spend on essentials let alone designer bags, live in a shithole of a flat, in a small town I had no connection to (had to move when became homeless and pregnant) with second hand stands/cheap everything and am morbidly obese (thyroid fucked Uk in pregnancy with my first)
I wouldn’t change it for the world! Being a mum has made me happier then any of that stuff and although life is hard, my kids are my joy, I wouldn’t be without them for anything. I would love a lottery win and to give them what they want when they want and not have to budget down to the last penny and plan a simple zoo visit months in advance to afford it, but no, not for one second would I be without them, sorry to be corny but they are my world and my gosh it’s a much better one with them in it.

Being a mummy can be tough at times but I wouldn't change it. Feel very fortunate to have 3 healthy happy children. This is maybe shaped by the fact that my third baby was stillborn. Wish so much I had all 4 of my children.

My husband and I decided very young never to have children (late teens) and we never have. We knew we would feel like this.

I think more people feel like this than don’t. Having children is not all it’s cracked up to be and many people do it because it’s what’s done. It isn’t thought through.

Helps that my 20s, while the classic "having it all" by some lights - living in London, nights out with friends, love affairs etc - were incredibly emotionally stressful and hard and I never really felt "right". I don't miss them at all. I never felt so grounded and so sure of what I wanted as I do since I have had my daughter.

I’ve never wanted them and knew at 13 I didn’t, I kept too it and made sure I never became pregnant. I’ve never regretted my decision my clock never ticked so I’m happy and the way health issues have turned out just as well.

I’m intrigued why those who say they hate being a mum and wish they’d never had children, why did you go onto have another? Just genuinely curious to know

I can relate. I love my children but hate the relentless being needed and fighting and tantrums etc.. I had a multiple birth on my second so ended up with more than I intended and 3 under 3. And I think I only went to have a second because I thought I should. Sibling etc. Etc.. I am sad for myself that I didn't listen to my gut.
Mental health doesn't help. And the situation doesn't help my mental health. It's hard. I'm still in the thick of it. I try very hard every day to be a good mom and I am a really good mom and have great kids. But it wears me I have to admit. I'm so blessed to have healthy happy kids and I wish I was different and loved all the mom stuff.
I'm worn out.
And other aspects of life, our house, finances etc. Add extra level of difficult.
But, I try every day and I'm hopeful with more work on my mental health it might improve and as they get a little older

I feel very lucky to have 2 healthy children. My heart goes out to others who don't have this, and I'm know their children still bring joy but also extra worries and stress if there are any additional health or special needs.

I loved the newborn baby bubble. Found the toddler years a bit relentless. And am loving the tween/school age years (mostly). They make me laugh. They have lovely enthusiasm about simple things. They stop and notice things I'm too busy to see. They can make their lunches, pack their bags etc. Only a few more years of childcare needed.

Sometimes I do hate the non-stop cook, clean, wash, school run cycle that is multipled when you have kids. But I think I am really going to miss them when they move out!

I'll let you know if I still feel like that after the teenage years though

I never wanted kids - l liked my life, music, clubs, travel, festivals, motorbikes - then in my mid 30s something in my brain flipped and l changed my mind. The first few years were awful. I had PND and my anxiety went through the roof. I felt like l'd ruined my life but as they got older things got better and now the last one's left for uni l can say hand on heart l'm glad l did it. I think l wasn't a great mum but l was good enough and l think if l had my time over l'd still do the same ( just with some anti-anxiety meds and CBT a lot earlier! )

@Cocomarine I'm not dismissive of her feelings. I know those feelings but I know I have been at my lowest when I've felt like that

I live being a mother. It has made me into the person I am never. I've never regretted it. They are 10 and 13 now and are growing into amazing people.
I've never been an anxious stressy mum though, parenting has always seemed natural to me. When I see the little things people on here worry about it's no wonder they find it hard.

I wouldn’t change my decision to have a baby. BUT I only have 1! Also, I would change DC’s father

I like my kids but I'm almost broken by them. Mentally and physically. I have very little help, they're young, relentless and don't listen to me. I hope it will be easier as they get older.

My parents say this when I was about 20. It hurt. Very much.

I love my children, beyond life itself. I would NOT be without them -but due to my horrific divorce etc yes, I wish I had never met him or married.

Both can be true. But you can't reverse the past.

My parents said what they said 20 years ago and it sucked and affected me badly for years, but they adore me beyond life itself and my children. You can say things "I wish I was 1 foot taller etc" doesn't mean that if they woke up one day without children -they wouldn't feel the reverse.

The problem with motherhood is that even if you despise it, hate your life and regret it, you still love your kids so much you can't walk away.

I am getting to an age where I really need to decide but feel totally ambivalent. I've always pictured myself having children "one day" but now I'm getting older and still feel it should be at least another 10 years away. I'm totally content carrying on with my life as it is. I still have lots of things I'd like to do before I have a child. I'm terrified I will feel this way, but also terrified I will later want a child and it will be too late.