Mum says she wishes she never had children as 'life was better without them'

[toothfairy73]

I have just seen this headline in a Newspaper. A anonymous mum has written this letter stating the above.

apple.news/A7zR8oawtR6OFxqP2tijb6g

What are your thoughts? I'm sure we have all had moments where we miss our old lives. It sounds like it is written by someone deeply unhappy and in need of some support. AIBU to think this is someone who is desperate for a bit of time alone and some support?What do you think?

Not for me. Having kids transformed me, I am a better person for having brought them into the world.

Every decision I take is influenced by how it will affect him. Basic stuff like what job I might take and what food to buy and other stuff like how I treat my Pils, and neighbours in order to set a good example. And he is 25!! so nothing really changes as they get older from the point of view or the responsibility you feel.

Excuse me if I ask but why are your food purchases still dictated by a 25yo? Hasn't he got a life of his own? Can't he buy his own food? Why is it his concern what job you take- isn't he supporting himself?

And isn't it enough to treat your neighbours well because you want to be a decent person for yourself?

I have adult children too, the youngest is 20, but I don't recognise myself in this at all. The 20yo still lives at home but that's another adult living in the house, it's not some kind of child I have to put on an act for.

I’m child free, and over the years so many women have told me that if they had had their time again they wouldn’t have had children. Most of these women have been older than me.
It usually starts ‘Don’t get me wrong, I love them, but.....’
I’m lucky. I always knew I definitely didn’t want kids, so it has been easy for me, and have encountered remarkably little comment on my not having children (for context, I’m mid 40s, happily married women over 16 yrs)
Many of the women who have ‘confessed’ to me said they had children because ‘that’s what you do’. It makes me sad that they weren’t empowered, and didn’t realise they could make a choice.

I do't think it's that uncommon, though I do think cultural changes makes it harder.

And it can seem much different years later than right at the parts you find challenging. I know my grandmothers both really struggled with large families at times, but as adults they really liked having a lot of kids and grandkids.

I do find the whole freedom/doing what you want thing interesting in a way - my general feeling has always been that life is hard work for almost anyone, and that's what we should expect. Being able to to just do what we want is rather a luxury. I feel that sense has been somewhat protective so far as feeling things have been unfair.

It's so awful that your children can break you. What a hard life, giving yourself over to someone else, like a little dictator in the guise of a child.

I'm another who doesn't regret the child,but regrets the choice of partner to parent with. My DH is not a bad man in any way but he's not a natural parent, I can't see being a parent hasnt brought him as much joy as it has to me. It's hard carrying all the emotional toll of parenthood and having no-one to share the lighter moments with either.

My own mother had 5 children in 7 years. She left my father when the oldest was 14 and has never been happier (and more mentally stable) since the day she did that. She didn't take any of us.

I'm glad women are more able to really choose whether they want a child now, and how many. I think honest thoughts like this mother shared have been stifled for generations.

..but how do people know that their lives would be happier without kids? People are looking back through rose tinted glasses and assuming their childless carefree 20s/30s would continue forever.

Truth being the older you get, things will change regardless of whether you have children. Those nights out/holidays/social events might dry up because your friends have all settled down. That relationship you spent 20 years in might fall apart. Your career could be destroyed by a pandemic/redundancy/ill health. Children might make these things harder, but could also keep you going through harder times.

I don’t think having kids = happiness, definitely not in all scenarios. But I also wonder if people are too quick to blame their unhappiness on the fact they had children.

I don't regret my children what's so ever,if I had my time again I'd definitely have all 4!! But I've know nothing different I had my first child at 17 still with DP and the children are our world,it isn't always easy we have 4 children under 6 I still get time my self as DP dose to,we also make the for each other when Children go to bed,we also have a date night once a week where either one of is cooks a meal and we talk about everything that's going on around us 🥰

I LOVE the earlier comment - I would have children again, but next time, I would be a Dad.

I'm unusual it seems, I definitely have no regrets, but I do only have one (he's 17) and whilst he can be a bugger at times, on the whole, he's great & the whole journey has been fascinating and enjoyable.
I also have a decent husband and a very good job. The job would likely have been even better without the DC but it has meant we have a very comfortable lifestyle which actually seems to be the biggest regretful consequence of children & IMO that's what we need to change - the situation where having children means no meaningful or lucrative job for the mother again.

How can someone also say this when their children are young? Maybe they’ll get older and 20 or 30 their mum will think...wow it’s great I had kids I don’t regret it at all.

having my second child only two years apart from my first was difficult for the first year but now they are 4 and 2 and Its much easier and more enjoyable and as hard as it was in those early days I don't think I ever felt regret
I do feel there is alot of pressure on women to have children, my mil is always asking one of my sil's when she is planning on having a baby even though she has made it clear she does not want to yet

@Krankie

..but how do people know that their lives would be happier without kids? People are looking back through rose tinted glasses and assuming their childless carefree 20s/30s would continue forever.

Truth being the older you get, things will change regardless of whether you have children. Those nights out/holidays/social events might dry up because your friends have all settled down. That relationship you spent 20 years in might fall apart. Your career could be destroyed by a pandemic/redundancy/ill health. Children might make these things harder, but could also keep you going through harder times.

I don’t think having kids = happiness, definitely not in all scenarios. But I also wonder if people are too quick to blame their unhappiness on the fact they had children.

@Krankie - thanks for this. It’s a good way of looking at things, and I found it helpful.

Do women still feel that societal pressure or expectation that they should have kids?

That's an interesting question. I'm 61 and never really wanted children, and I can't remember anyone ever asking me about having them, and I was never under any pressure to have them from anyone (and yes, I was married).

I’m child free by choice. I’ve always known I never wanted children. I felt no pressure to have any nor has anyone ever queried my choice either, luckily I found a man who felt the same! We chose sleep, money, holidays, weekend breaks.....freedom basically and we have no regrets whatsoever. We are middle aged now and thankfully, able to enjoy a full and happy retirement.

Of course life is different after children, I always try to step in other people's shoes but I honestly can't understand people not getting how life will be different after having kids unless they have a very low IQ. I'm of the opinion that having children is a privilege not a right and some people just don't suit/ deserve them TBH. I feel sorry for her kids, they will grow up feeling unloved and unwanted and they will pick up on it. Why she went on to have another after feeling like her life was ruined by the first is beyond me.

I think plenty of parents probably feel like that this year. I suspect if you asked that parent last year the answer may have been different. Juggling jobs with home education, then closure of childcare venues over the holidays. Many schools in our area have no breakfast or after school clubs. Many extracurricular activities have been cancelled. People have lost child care, or even a precious morning of 'freedom' if a grandparent previously did it.
I love my children, but bloody hell I could do with a few hours to myself to get on and do the chores I need to do without endless interruptions!
I think the pressures on parents particularly mothers, have really ramped up this year.

I’ve had 4 kids - not due to any societal pressure, but because I wanted them. And you can probably guess based on the fact I have four, I’ve enjoyed it. They give me the greatest joy of my life!

Sometimes me and DH dream of a week’s holiday (or frankly a night away) on our own, but it’ll happen again and neither of us would change having the kids. I get frustrated about the impact being a woman has on my work - because it’s not having children that does that, there is no negative impact on DH’s work! But that doesn’t make me regret my kids, it makes me regret the existence of backward bastards! And I try to find a way round it.

I adore my dc and don't regret them. If there's such a thing as reincarnation though, I'll be advising my future self to not have kids...it's a mugs game

And DH isn’t the backward bastard - we share childcare responsibilities 50/50 - it’s men in the workplace!

I didn't want children, had absolutely no yearning to be a mother. Somehow ended up with two. Love the bones of the pair of them, wouldn't be without them now. However, at 51 I find myself a very much single parent to a 9 yo autistic DS and I know that any hope of eventual freedom is gone. I have nearly finished treatment for a reasonably risky breast cancer and quite honestly if things were different I'd be living my bucket list. Not happening. My DD doesn't want children and I am glad.

I definitely wish I hadn't had them.i have one child who is so severely disabled that its ruined all our lives,we are so limited and restricted in every aspect of what we do.the constant guilt of a life defined by this for my other children eats me up every day.
The nonstop never ending work involved in looking after my disabled child will never end and they will never leave home.its a very difficult pill to swallow.
My body is literally battered and aching every single day and my mental health is in shreds.
I was desperate, desperate to be a mother.turns out I just wasnt lucky .
I constantly dream of my past, I dont recognize myself anymore.

@Yipitsme

I definitely wish I hadn't had them.i have one child who is so severely disabled that its ruined all our lives,we are so limited and restricted in every aspect of what we do.the constant guilt of a life defined by this for my other children eats me up every day. The nonstop never ending work involved in looking after my disabled child will never end and they will never leave home.its a very difficult pill to swallow. My body is literally battered and aching every single day and my mental health is in shreds. I was desperate, desperate to be a mother.turns out I just wasnt lucky . I constantly dream of my past, I dont recognize myself anymore.

Gosh this is my biggest fear about having children. How do people accept this risk?

Wow so many comments. I'm losing track of who said what.

Whoever said
*
I find that woman's feelings on motherhood far more understandable than your view that she's "in need of some support". What sort of support? What if she neither needs nor wants "support"?*

I speak from my experience. Whenever I have felt like this, I have usually been depressed and feeling overwhelmed. I sufferer from depression and CPTSD. Despite years of therapy so that my childhood didn't impact on the rest of my life I can see how my trauma impacts my children even though I do everything I can do mitigate it. I'm not suggesting for one minute the person that wrote this has the same issues as me, but for me it's a red flag for depression.

For those saying life was so much better before is it not a case of the grass being greener? Had you not made the choices you did you may not have had the carefree lifestyle you had prior to children now either.

Oh and I will say I'm so happy that my children are growing up..they're 10 and 12...I hear other mums say how devastated they are that their children are growing up quickly. Typical crap on Facebook..."slow down time". Well I bloody love them getting older...in fact I can't wait until they're old enough for me and dh to go out for the evening without needing a babysitter