Mum says she wishes she never had children as 'life was better without them'

[toothfairy73]

I have just seen this headline in a Newspaper. A anonymous mum has written this letter stating the above.

apple.news/A7zR8oawtR6OFxqP2tijb6g

What are your thoughts? I'm sure we have all had moments where we miss our old lives. It sounds like it is written by someone deeply unhappy and in need of some support. AIBU to think this is someone who is desperate for a bit of time alone and some support?What do you think?

Not sure why she had a second child. How was thst going to help? I've had one and it's been incredibly challenging. No way would I have another one.

What @user1493413286 said on the first page.

I was a single mum of three kids working ft and no help from family and little from their dad. It was tough but never once wished I had not had them because my life would have felt very empty without them.

I think mums nowadays find it hard because we indulge our kids too much. They do very few chores so not only do we have to do everything, we constant feel oblige to keep them occupied as they get bored so easily and we feel suffocated.

I do love my children very much but life is just not how I thought it would be at all, I’m unhappy and resentful the majority of the time and I’m worried it’s making me a bad mother.

If I had my time again I wouldn’t choose to have children.

I completely understand any woman that regrets having children. Women have definitely been TOLD to have children in the last generation.There was definitely a social pressure.

I never gave in to that social pressure.I don't care what anyone thinks of me. I decided that I am not having children. I am 36.

A more interesting question to ask the women who regret having children on here would be:

Did you really want children? Or did you feel that you were pressured into having children

I think we all have times when we think "I did NOT sign up for THIS!" but true regret? I've had some rough times with our two boys, but I don't regret it for one moment.

As my BiL says "I wouldn't take a million for the ones I've got, but you couldn't pay me a million to have another one".

I do have one friend who has admitted she wishes she'd never had children. She's a wonderful mum and now grandma, but says if she had to do it over again, she wouldn't.

I have one and have thoughts similar to @AliasGrape about why people go onto have more than one. I don't regret motherhood but I don't particularly enjoy large swathes of it, certainly not enough to want to have one or two more. We are all different and I'd love to want more to be honest, to have a large family but the reality is too hard.

I don't this it's that women don't know how hard it is. I knew it would be hard but you cannot know how hard and how you will respond until you do it, it is stepping into something unknown. I knew it would be hard to give up things I enjoyed that aren't compatible with small children but I didn't bargain on how much I'd want those things back quickly.

The key is the expectation that there is equality in motherhood. For me, until I had a baby I had been independent and able to support myself. I thought it'd be like that, only I'd have a baby.

Now I need DH in a practical sense, in a way I didn't before. I'm reliant on his ability to be a good father (he is). I am reliant on DH to be a good husband less I become a single mother and resign myself to poverty for 10-15 years. I have a good job, could afford my own mortgage but it would be very lean. Even more so if he bogged off and paid the minimum, as many men do. I feel vulnerable as a woman for the first time because I know how difficult it would be to support a child if my relationship broke down. That isn't an easy feeling.

Really good question. I love my kids. I really, really do. But one is disabled and one is autistic and their dad is bipolar (not diagnosed til after they were born).

It's soooooooooooo hard. If i knew then what I know now...

I have never regretted having my lovely children who are now adults. I do think that my sister, who hasn’t got children has a great life without any responsibilities. I never anticipated that once my children were adults I would still have lots of sleepless nights worrying about them...more so than when they were little people. I cannot fix their problems now .

I agree with posters who say so much depends on other factors like health of the child, available help and the partner you have them with.

The best advice I ever got, and the advice I will pass on to my children, is to be extremely careful and almost coldly clear-eyed about who you have children with.

You could potentially love lots of different people but should never build a family with someone who doesn't have the basic qualities required to be a kind, sensible and reliable equal partner with a sense of personal responsibility if you can possibly avoid it.

I think that factor changes your life forever as much as the actual having children.

I enjoy having my DC but am under no illusions that that is in no small part due to having a DH who pulls his weight with childcare.

I wonder if people regretting having kids had kids a bit earlier?

I haven't had kids yet, but quite a few friends did from age 27 on, and they were dropping out of clubbing and bars to do so. Whereas my husband and I couldn't prop up a bar to save our lives now at 32. We just had early tea with a couple with a four year old and feel pretty pleased with being back in for the evening. I'm not underestimating the challenges of parenting, but we have a lot less to give up.

I would choose to have my kids again, definitely. My husband absolutely does his fair share though, and I think that is a huge factor that makes life easier. That said, my life was far more spontaneous and fun before kids - though less rewarding.

For the person who said what have you given up - I've given up everything. I am in no way the person I was before and that person before was happier. Its not the lie ins or the holidays or the career, although those things have diminished. Its much more fundamental. Its being your own person. DS is on my mind the moment I wake up and the last thought in my head at night. Every decision I take is influenced by how it will affect him. Basic stuff like what job I might take and what food to buy and other stuff like how I treat my Pils, and neighbours in order to set a good example. And he is 25!! so nothing really changes as they get older from the point of view or the responsibility you feel. I am judged all the time for choices he makes from 'dumping that lovely girl' to not self isolating properly with covid. I don't regret it most of the time, but I gave up on 'me' many years ago.

@thecatsthecats

I wonder if people regretting having kids had kids a bit earlier?

I haven't had kids yet, but quite a few friends did from age 27 on, and they were dropping out of clubbing and bars to do so. Whereas my husband and I couldn't prop up a bar to save our lives now at 32. We just had early tea with a couple with a four year old and feel pretty pleased with being back in for the evening. I'm not underestimating the challenges of parenting, but we have a lot less to give up.

This is true for me too. First and only baby at 40 and I'd done everything you can think of before that. Still hold on to a lot of my previous life too.

I don't have children.I would be afraid of childbirth, or of raising a child.

I am very impressed by women who have had children

I have 2 adopted children. Life was totally crap before we had them. Actually I should qualify that by saying that living with infertility was totally crap. We had a few lovely years before that particular bombshell hit.
I love being a mum. My kids are teenagers now and they physically need me less and less.
Interestingly though my 13 year old DD has said she doesn't' want to have kids because they're too much work and she doesn't like babies and my 16 year old son (who loves babies) has said he's only going to have 2 maximum because kids are so expensive. Using himself and the price of his trainers as an example .
When I was growing up me and all my friends assumed we'd have kids and be SAHMs like our mums and that we'd have lots of babies. Not having kids seemed like a sad pathetic option.
I'm glad people give parenthood a bit more thought nowadays.

You can't always tell how hands on your partner will be before it happens. My dh did half of the housework before we had kids, said all the right things but definitely does a lot less than half the looking after of the kids. Still probably does half the housework if he's in a good place mentally, did almost nothing for two years when depressed though. Still lots of people around me think he's fantastic and I am so lucky because he cooks most of the dinners. I would enjoy being a parent a lot more if it wasn't all down to me.

I’m sitting in my two week wait after my 3rd and last FET transfer. First 2 were early miscarriages. I am 42, married to my DH who has 2 children of his own from a previous marriage, both in their mid to late teens.

I sat in my car waiting to go in for my procedure wondering thus exact same question. I am glad I have read all these comments as there are some definite upsides for me:
Supportive husband
I have already ‘lived’ all the things people claim to regret missing out on. Career travel parties etc when I was in my 20s and 30s.
We are fairly well off financially so I will be able to pay for help eg maids and sitters.
I will only have one child as we have no more embryos left

Downsides: obviously not sure if this pregnancy is even viable right now given a history of 2 miscarriages and then I will have to face the life you are all so desperately regretful to have missed out on. And I’m not sure I am ready for that or have prepared myself sufficiently to a life without the prospects of children.

I would imagine that more women who have had kids early on in their lives would express this regret. I would hazard a guess that Women who have children later in life have given it much more thought and are sure that it’s what they want. (Accidents aside of course)

What a conundrum!

If I could go back, I wouldn't have children. I hope parenting becomes more enjoyable when they are older.

I think regretting having children is a lot more common than people realised. I regretted it for dd's first few years. Now luckily I don't any more. I actually regret not having a second child. If I'd known how much better it got (for me, obviously everyone's different) aged 2 and up I think I could have gritted my teeth and got through those first two years again.

I think also depends on the child/children, my girls are so delightful. They are well behaved, loving, fun to be with, doing well in school. They bring so much joy in my life. In another hand, my son is total opposite, no one can tell whether he is autistic or just being a pain or some sort of psychopath, he can not see consequences, he brings a lot of trouble into the family, emotionally and financially, every worst thing you can possibly think of. I am not proud to say, my life is perfect without him. We constantly stress over decisions made over the things he has committed with minimal destruction to the family and himself, this is definitely unconditional love.

I've never been maternal but my husband and nevertheless decided to have a baby. DS is now nearly two and is awesome, I love him and my life is better for him. But I also think that we've been so lucky with an easy low maintenance happy wee boy.

And I think that the "two adults to one kid" ratio works for us and makes life manageable. So I think I want to quit while ahead and not have any more kids. Our little family of three is full of love and life but is also manageable and we're both managing to still juggle good careers, have time for each other, have time for him, look after the house & garden, save money etc. I think having another kid in the mix might just tip our lives over to the unmanageable side...

If I had my time again I'd choose to have children but I regret the man I had them with. I wish I hadn't panicked at the thought of my biological clock ticking away and had a child with the first person who seemed like remotely decent parent material. It was a colossal error. I adore my DC though and wouldn't be without them. They are happy, healthy, funny and infuriating. I couldn't ask for more.

My DM should not have had children. She was completely disinterested in motherhood and my siblings all suffered to varying degrees as a result.

I think I'd regret mine less if I had spent my 20s doing the fun stuff and sorting my career out then rather than spending my 20s pregnant/breastfeeding/fat dealing with under 6s.

I suspect travelling with kids/horseriding with kids/whatever activity with kids is easier if you already are confident at that activity from being able to do it without them first and aren't having to figure it out while they go around complaining about it, or having to be responsible for them generally.

We've been stuck indoors today because of a combo of lockdown measures and the weather. I'm just done with it all today. If I have to listen to any more of DD(5)'s inane wittering I'm going to scream.

I am a mental health nurse and we have many female patients who really shouldn't have had children let alone more than one as for many they just cannot cope and the impact of having children has made them unwell.

Often our referral rate goes up hugely in the summer holidays when they are stuck at home with them.

I go back and forth with this, I have defined periods where I wished I had never had them and felt enraged at times when my ex waltzed off and left me with all the grunt work.

At the moment both my teen DS are doing well and are in a good place therefore I am as well. My happiness and well being is so tied up with theirs and that is the part we have little control over when they get older or have SEN. The potential for major heartbreak is huge.
If I knew then what I know now I wouldn't do it ( I think! ) and certainly do not judge others for choosing not to do it.

I've had moments, long moments, where I've regretted having children. Doesn't mean I don't love them, but I do think life was better without them.

Right now I don't feel regretful as they're getting older and therefore easier, youngest is 4 - but by Jesus the first 4 years is dull as shite and hard work.