Mum says she wishes she never had children as 'life was better without them'

[toothfairy73]

I have just seen this headline in a Newspaper. A anonymous mum has written this letter stating the above.

apple.news/A7zR8oawtR6OFxqP2tijb6g

What are your thoughts? I'm sure we have all had moments where we miss our old lives. It sounds like it is written by someone deeply unhappy and in need of some support. AIBU to think this is someone who is desperate for a bit of time alone and some support?What do you think?

@Mittens030869 I agree with that. I have two pre-teens who are much nicer to parent than the drudgery of the adorable toddler. I feel like I'm wishing her little years away and I feel terrible for it but for the love of fucking god, I need comprehension and complete sentences.

It is very good to know we aren't alone in our feelings which are absolutely normal in this situation.
The situation is that there is a gulf between what a mother is expected to be, and her capacity to bear it.
I think the pandemic has exposed that the emperor has no clothes.

I agree @Mittens030869. Many women find the toddler stage really hard work and the teenage years absolutely lovely (I certainly do).
Just like some parents find the baby and toddler years really enjoyable (but seem to hate the teenage years!).

I’m wondering if the people who say they love been a mum are basically in the latest group.

@Mittens030869

corythatwas I think children should know how hard it is, surely it's more cruel to not let the next generation know what they are getting into either. You can do that while also explaining that you do love them.*

I don't think it's fair to put that burden on children. That can really damage a child's self-esteem, at whatever age.

It's right to tell them how tough bringing up children can be, though.

On the other side, if you have found it really hard, they will know.

My dcs know i have found it hard work. But that’s not them. They have been lovely and they are amazing people. What I found hard is the lack of support from DH. It’s me having ME and still been expecting to perform as a mum. It’s ending up in this place where I had to give more than I had to give, both physically and emotionally.
As @GettingUntrapped said, it’s the gulf between what was expected from me an how much I could bear it that made things nearly impossible to cope with at times.

@ muiniere, that's basically it. The pandemic has exposed that motherhood feels like martyrdom, but you can't say it out loud because culture has forced us into it, and we might be seen as 'wrong'.
The way we are feeling is real.

DS was very much planned for and wanted but I'm not sure whether I'd choose to have children if I had my time over.

Traumatic birth, PND, shit sleep and developmental worries has changed me as a person, I'm so much more anxious, the constant worry is overwhelming at times. The highs are very high but the lows can be very low and at times I'm not sure the highs balance them out.

I also miss my pre DS marriage to DH. We have been together 16 years, still love each other but I think we've fallen into a stale routine.

DS will be an only child, he's 4.5 now and things are so much easier, not easy though just easier.

@Meuniere

I have ME too, so I know exactly what you mean. I'm fortunate to have a DH who can and does step in. So yes, my DDs know how hard I find it. But I do my best not to let them think that I regret adopting them.

It's especially important with adopted children not to let them think they're not wanted, but I can certainly say that's been hard, especially when DD1 was regularly lashing out at me.

They do obviously know that I've found it hard, and my DH too, especially now they're 11 and 8, and they have asked, 'Why did you adopt me?' That's really made me feel awful in the past, that's only happened since lockdown.

So we do need to be very careful what we say.

It was the unexpected things I found hard. Like never anticipating a tough pregnancy and childbirth would leave me with a lifelong disability.

Not anticipating how awful the in laws would be, overstepping or completey withdrawing at a whim.

Not anticipating how becoming a father would highlight how rubbish DHs own childhood was, and the mental burden that carries.

I love my DD to bits, and would never let her know otherwise though.

Perhaps we have to face up to the fact that it isn't us being 'bad mums'.
Knowing that in itself is a lot to take in and absorb.
Men take too much of us, especially when we have children. It entraps us, and doesn't need to.

Having children must, I imagine, completely change the dynamic of your relationship with your partner. You are parents first and a couple second.

@NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace

I am childfree by choice and I totally disagree that there is societal pressure - I haven't felt any (I am 39 if that makes a difference). No one has pressured me or queried my choices and I don't feel that not having children is that outlandish or weird.

I'm 53 and agree entirely. My parents rock though, and never put any pressure on either me or my sister to have children. My sis has one daughter. I never wanted any.

As a 51 year old childfree woman I agree with both of you. I've had the very occassional "Don't you think you might regret it later?" concern trolling but no 'pressure' to have children at all.

Can't say I've ever regretted being childfree. The more time I spend around parents, the happier I am that I made that choice.

I regret having children but I decided to have TWO.

Yes...ok....

Yeah i am 36, child free, and have never felt pressure to have children,

Not uncommon at all.

Mine are 8 and 11, an age where I think it usually gets easier. But dd's ASD means that it hasn't. Some of what I hate is how much I have to fight for her. We had to move her schools because of their treatment of her (ds moved too, his choice, but I think he regrets it- that makes me sad too).

I am constantly having to fight for her to get the right resources, referrals (her diagnosis was done privately because otherwise she'd still be waiting). It breaks my heart to see her struggle so much with friendships, with leaving the house, the level of anxiety she lives with. It feels cruel that I've brought her into the world to live like that.

She won't meet her academic potential because the social side of of school is too hard for her. God help us when we get to the secondary stage. And before anyone mentions it, homeschooling isn't an option. Not least because it would mean me giving up my job that I love and we nearly killed each other in lockdown trying to do it. And she deserves school like every other child.

I love her fiercely and my ds. But my life would definitely be easier and more fun without children, especially one with SEND.

@ukgift2016 yes, me too. Had two. I think one would be ok for me as I really wanted a child, but two... fighting, divided attention, the thanklessness of it all.
Having to care for another when you'd mostly rather be doing something else.

@ukgift2016 but if you actually read people's answers... It's because having one was actually OK, quite nice. Then number two happened and it made it a lot worse. I don't think I would regret having just stuck with one. Especially as he is NT. But two has broken me.

I regret having children but for different reasons. I have enjoyed being a mum, I have been a lone parent, a married parent, then a lone parent, now I coparent with ex, DP and me and it is great. BUT, I would never have had children knowing what I know now, for them. I feel terrible that they have to navigate this world and I wish I hadn't subjected them to it. All 3 of my DC have sensitivities that I didn't mitigate or plan for. DS1 who is 17 is self harming, DS2 who is 12 has real issues with formal education, behaviour and sitting still and DD (9)has tics and anxiety based on Coronavirus and climate change.

I am constantly trying to point out wonderful things in the world to them but they are crushed by how harsh and demanding the world can be. I feel a lot of guilt that I didn't really think about that. I was driven to have children and I'm a good mum but I was selfish.

@SecretSpAD Exactly how I felt, from the age of 9. Spent the next 40 years (seriously, 40 fucking years) being repeatedly told by everyone and their dog (but mainly my mother) that I'd change my mind. Two terminations (neither regretted for even a second) proved I didn't.

As I once told my mother (when under the influence) her and my father made parenthood seem so unattractive, why is she so surprised now that none of her 3 children have had children of their own?

@noirchatsdeux Great point and that's exactly why I'm on the fence about having children myself. My parents made it look like an absolute shit show.

*Yet people who remain childfree manage to make a 100% factual, objective decision not to have children, despite strong urges at times. My husband and I both have high sex drives but have managed never to have a single pregnancy scare in 15 years.

People need to get a grip and start making better decisions and not mindlessly reproducing and blaming it on their “urges”!*

Absolutely.

If you live in contemporary Britain, or most other Western nations, where effective contraception and abortion are available, childen are (usually) the result of an active choice.

This talk of 'urges' is an abdication of responsibility. We are adults. We don't act on our 'urges' all the time, or at least we shouldn't. Certainly not when it comes to the most impotant decision most of us will ever make.

I don't regret it but I regret not feeling like I am a good enough, patient enough, emotionally present enough parent to have another one. Bar the preschool years which I enjoyed I find a lot of it really hard work.

Today alone, on a 'lovely day out', I have rolled my eyes approx. 47 times.

@uk2016. I also feel two has broken me. But I'm trying to get up again.
Talking about it helps process the situation.

Re the harmful effects of children on a career. I was forced to leave my job before DH and I had children. When we had DS I changed career to fit in with school times etc (looking ahead!). It was the best thing I ever did - Im retired now but the new career was so much more lucrative, intellectually demanding and socially useful. So there is hope

I have two DC. One was born critically ill with a rare health condition. He is three now and doing great, but we have been through 8 surgeries and many more hospital admissions and days/nights of constant worry. He was also on the shielding list.

It has changed my life completely. I love him to bits but it is so much harder than I could have imagined. His condition effects his eating so for the first two years even normal things like going to a restaurant for a family meal were impossible. When you have to worry about your child eating, it is a worry that is constant. I have seen him gag and choke more times than I can count. Things were just improving and then Covid hit. I have found it hard to keep up friendships and hard to relate to other parents.

I do work full time and it is an escape.