Mum says she wishes she never had children as 'life was better without them'

[toothfairy73]

I have just seen this headline in a Newspaper. A anonymous mum has written this letter stating the above.

apple.news/A7zR8oawtR6OFxqP2tijb6g

What are your thoughts? I'm sure we have all had moments where we miss our old lives. It sounds like it is written by someone deeply unhappy and in need of some support. AIBU to think this is someone who is desperate for a bit of time alone and some support?What do you think?

I think the only thing you can truly say about motherhood is that you really have NO idea how it's going to impact you until you actually go and do it

Except a lot of women, like me, know that we don't find babies and children interesting, don't enjoy spending time with children and have no desire to find out whether we're wrong.

And so don't want to take the risk of ruining our lives and that of our theoretical children for the off chance that we were wrong and love it. I knew I would hate it. So I didn't do it.

I don't think it's as uncommon as people make out. I often fantasise about it. I'd never do it - for all the additional stresses and struggles, I love them more than anything - but I'm not sure if I had my time again if I'd have children knowing what I know now.

Some people on here talk about growing up with a mum that didn't want them. Problem is, when a mother feels so let down by the reality of having children take over her life and make it very hard, she can't just change her mind. How she is feeling is how she is feeling.
We need to talk about it, and why women feel so short changed.
We are all born with a drive to persue our own interests, and children can rob us of that.
Feels like a terrible trap that doesn't sit right.

I don't think it's uncommon either @motherofdxughters just Google 'I regret having children' and you can see how common it is. Reddit has sub-reddits for regretful parents and in other sub-reddits there's posts about people who regret their kids. There's often articles in the papers and magazines, even some brave people who do YouTube videos, blogs or social media posts about it. Also as above but where people don't regret their kids exactly but if they lived their life again wouldn't have them or wish they only had one. I think its great when people are honest from those who adore being a parent and wouldn't change a second right through to those who hate being a parent and leave them/give them up for adoption/have them raised by a family member. It helps people who feel alone and can help people decide or have a realistic view of being a parent.

I regret having my son. I love him but he’s a constant burden and has caused me to be trapped in a relationship with his father, who I no longer love. My life was more free and enjoyable before he was born. I was able to focus on meeting my own needs and not someone else’s. That’s before you even consider the damage that pregnancy did to my body - DS is three and I’m still saving for plastic surgery to fix it.

I think a lot of it is down to mothers not being able to meet their own needs. Real needs that every human is born with, to grow and develop our own potential.
It's a kind of gaslighting that traps us.

When I had dc1, I had no idea what entail a being a mother. I had no family members with young children. My friends didn’t have kids themselves. All I had to go by was Society was telling me. And it was telling me that I could have it all.
Yep. Lies, lies, and more lies. I saw photos of celebrities bouncing back after pregnancy and thought I’d be the same because I was young and fit. I didn’t realise that 90% of women don’t bounce back because that’s not what the media depicts. I didn’t realise that celebs have tummy tucks and other treatments that they lie about. I saw mothers having lives and careers, and didn’t realise it was because they earned a fuckton and could pay for good childcare, or had family members who offered free childcare. I certainly didn’t foresee being trapped with a kid and looking like I’ve been run over by a bus. It’s simply not talked about.

My boy was an IVF baby.... I cant have children naturally. He is loved so much... by me....yes we have a hard time but I look at him and I'm greatful x

I am childfree by choice and I totally disagree that there is societal pressure - I haven't felt any (I am 39 if that makes a difference). No one has pressured me or queried my choices and I don't feel that not having children is that outlandish or weird.

I'm 53 and agree entirely. My parents rock though, and never put any pressure on either me or my sister to have children. My sis has one daughter. I never wanted any.

Talking about it more openly could also help people who are struggling with infertility or want children but are not in a position to have them to not feel they are missing out on so much.

Some people on here talk about growing up with a mum that didn't want them. Problem is, when a mother feels so let down by the reality of having children take over her life and make it very hard, she can't just change her mind. How she is feeling is how she is feeling.

You can't help what you feel but you can help whether you let your child know.

I do think an anonymous forum like this where people can see they are not alone is a wonderful idea. It helps people who are struggling and does no harm to anyone else.

People who e.g. publish the same feelings under their own name in the newspaper, where their children can see it and their children's friends can see it- that, I think, that is unforgivable.

So often in life, it's not how you feel, it's what you do.

I think personality matters hugely. I don't regret my children, who are teens, and very nice, kind people. I know that I'm a really good mum too. But it costs me. As does my job, which I take very seriously too. And sometimes its too much. I think women who go with the flow more readily, possibly breeze through life and parenthood more. I get bogged down with the worry about doing it right.

My mother feels this way, and told me.

We are now NC. She has no contact with her grandchildren. She's a selfish, toxic person. I know the term 'toxic' is bandied about left, right & centre these days but she's textbook.

This is not a normal way to feel.

I think it's enormously important that these things are discussed on threads like this to counteract the pretty pink Instagram version of parenting beloved of advertisers. I'm like a pp in that I had my DD late in life at 39 and my DH had a long time together prior to that when we travelled etc. But I would have found that life a bit empty I think had that continued. I am not naturally maternal though and I have found parenting a huge challenge. It has broadened my life experience massively though as much as it has diminished it and I think it really challenges you personally as your child holds up a mirror to yourself. My DH is very 'maternal' thankfully and I read a lot about child-rearing and try to improve and fail regularly. What a pp said about having to let go of perfectionist hopes and give in to reality really struck a chord.

I feel quite depressed atm and tied down by family ties and responsibilities at a time post-menopause when I want to make the most of my last (hopefully) productive decade (this feeling has been exacerbated by Covid-19 etc). Despite all of that I feel huge love for my child and no one has mentioned that very much on here. And real love isn't pink ribbons and hearts of course but all the drudgery and angst and downright inconvenience that people have mentioned here.

I agree with pp who said it is about expectations. Ordinary life has its ups and downs with lots of mundane bits between and surely parenting reflects that? It starts right at the beginning when out of huge pain and fear comes enormous love. And love often does usually involve self sacrifice and disappointment and pain. You can't have one without the other.

In general, I think society needs to change so that child-rearing has the same impact on men as it does on women. And from my own personal pov, I would urge people to have dc younger so that they have energy for the difficult teen years, and time afterwards to pursue their own personal projects.

@GettingUntrapped

I think a lot of it is down to mothers not being able to meet their own needs. Real needs that every human is born with, to grow and develop our own potential. It's a kind of gaslighting that traps us.

Yes this is true as well. My hobbies are simple and inexpensive, reading and gardening and I can easily indulge them at home at any time of day or night so a child is not a hindrance to me. He adds but doesn't detract much to my life and I'm still myself. So I do feel fulfilled.

If someone is really into an expensive and time consuming hobby out of the home like competitive ballroom dancing, or travelling to archeological dig sits or DJing in Ibiza then those things are probably going to have to take a back seat for quite a long time and I imagine that's a real struggle.

@corythatwas I think children should know how hard it is, surely it's more cruel to not let the next generation know what they are getting into either. You can do that while also explaining that you do love them.

We need to change our cultural model of motherhood as many find it unfilling. The nuclear family is an unnatural set-up.

I get the impression that a lot of posters on here who say they regret having children are in the middle of the drudgery of looking after toddlers and preschoolers. There were times when I really hated it (potty training was the absolute pits! ), but that later becomes a distant memory.

There have certainly been times when I've hated my life. It's liberating to be able to admit it on an anonymous forum, I would never have admitted that in RL. But would I really want to go back to the time when my DH and I didn't have DC? No, because I was actually desperate to have DC then.

This is not a normal way to feel.

And yet a huge amount of mothers have admitted on this thread that they feel it. I imagine there's thousands upon thousands who do. So while it may not be pleasant i think it actually is "normal" considering the sacrifices mothers have to make (and it really is mothers for the most part which is the crux of the issue).

One could argue that's it's really not "normal" to love being a mother. Considering the barbarity of the birth process, the pain, suffering, sacrifice, sleep deprivation, episiotomies, stitches, ripped, torn and stretched bodies, listening to screaming, crying, tantrums, loss of identity, loss of autonomy, loss of financial independence, loss of time for hobbies, interests, friends, societal pressure to be an "earth mother", impact on your relationship etc etc. obviously it won't be this way for every woman but for many that's the reality.

Instead of the lovey dovey aspects of motherhood we're bombarded with (by advertising etc.) imagine we were fed the above notions and were told we had to do all the above while pretending to be happy about it and to never, ever show otherwise least we be ostracized as social pariahs? It would take a special kind of masochist to willingly sign up to that shit!

@corythatwas I think children should know how hard it is, surely it's more cruel to not let the next generation know what they are getting into either. You can do that while also explaining that you do love them.

Two things.

First: Young children need to be secure in the present more than they need to make plans for the future. Plenty of time to tell them when they are young men and women. You have only to read a post or two of SarahPaul's to see that she is damaged by having been told the "truth" too early and too often.

Secondly: "How hard it is" implies that it is equally hard for everyone, that there is some objective truth here. The truth is that people perceive things very differently, that one person's boredom is another person's fun. What I told my children would clearly be very different from what other people on this thread told theirs. So what children learnt would be totally dependent on the personality of their mother, not on some objective truth they could then take into life and apply to their own circumstances.

If I told the children the "truth" it would be "Well, I thought you were great fun and no different to what I had been told. Your father and I had a great time and look back on it with a good deal of pleasure. Disability and illness stink but they can hit anyone at any time, if you can't handle that, better not get fond of anyone". I gather you wouldn't find that helpful?

corythatwas I think children should know how hard it is, surely it's more cruel to not let the next generation know what they are getting into either. You can do that while also explaining that you do love them.*

I don't think it's fair to put that burden on children. That can really damage a child's self-esteem, at whatever age.

It's right to tell them how tough bringing up children can be, though.

Sounds a bit like mothers are a kind of santa claus to humanity, but we can't admit that we aren't a real santa.

I much prefer my life since having kids and never think about my life before. I wonder if that is an age thing - I was only 25 when I had my first and although I travelled and went out loads as a teen/early 20-something I wasn't massively happy (I actually had lots of mental health issues). Having kids made me grow up fast and I've loved the majority of life with kids (don't get me wrong there were lots of hard bits and having them younger meant financial struggles). I can't imagine regretting having them.

@Mittens030869

I get the impression that a lot of posters on here who say they regret having children are in the middle of the drudgery of looking after toddlers and preschoolers. There were times when I really hated it (potty training was the absolute pits! ), but that later becomes a distant memory.

There have certainly been times when I've hated my life. It's liberating to be able to admit it on an anonymous forum, I would never have admitted that in RL. But would I really want to go back to the time when my DH and I didn't have DC? No, because I was actually desperate to have DC then.

This is also a good point! Mine are teens now so life is a lot easier. I don't think my answer would have been different when they were toddlers but it might have been! All seems another lifetime ago!

I have one daughter. She's eighteen months and I really have grown to love her. But it haunts me that I didn't really want to be a mum and I still have frequent moments of envy of people who haven't got kids....
The guilt is so awful. I look at posts about heartbroken people who are desperate for a family and I can't get my head round it....then I hate myself for having no instinctive connection with this seemingly absolutely natural and normal desire. Then the ingratitude of my situation - a beautiful healthy happy little girl and I still sometimes just wish I could go back and undo....