Mum says she wishes she never had children as 'life was better without them'

[toothfairy73]

I have just seen this headline in a Newspaper. A anonymous mum has written this letter stating the above.

apple.news/A7zR8oawtR6OFxqP2tijb6g

What are your thoughts? I'm sure we have all had moments where we miss our old lives. It sounds like it is written by someone deeply unhappy and in need of some support. AIBU to think this is someone who is desperate for a bit of time alone and some support?What do you think?

I've never regretted dd. I have had serious pangs about missing a move into my dream career due to the timing of the pregnancy. By coincidence, my brother's wife (childlfree by choice) works in that area and I can see it's not a bed of roses either. I still have longings though. It's a middle age thing, I suppose, being haunted by the untrodden roads.

Spot on @formerbabe

I find it hard to understand those who say ‘I didn’t know how hard it would be, if I had I wouldn’t have done it”.

I have almost no contact with babies and children. Not many in my family. Large proportion of friends are childfree but I could quite clearly see just from distant observations and sites like this that having children was hard af, largely thankless and exhausting.

Perhaps you just chose not to look.

@formerbabe

I think you can love your children, give them the best childhood possible and still regret becoming a mother.

Even women who regret it, still mostly love and want the best for their kids. If they didn't, they'd walk away wouldn't they. Or abandon their children at the council ss offices.

I have a theory that women who enjoy motherhood the most are slightly oblivious types...I think women who struggle are usually fairly analytical and can see how objectively crap parenthood is.

All good

And then you just could not resist a nasty little swipe at the end, could yoh?

What nasty swipe @atadaddicted

That's interesting @corythatwas . Dammit, wish I'd procreated with a Scandinavian!

Oh come on

Women who enjoy are “fairly oblivious”

Women who don’t are “analytical”

No, you misunderstood me.

I'm not talking about intelligence...it's more about outlook and personality types.

Im an analytical, more pessimistic type of person..I can look at a situation and see all the shit bits and massively overthink it. I have friends who don't overthink and analyse like that and they generally seem happier with their lot.

But you do see that oblivious is not a exactly a positively feature
Whereas analytical is?
Surely

No, it's like when you go to a party or a hen night and some women are dancing, enjoying themselves, letting their hair down... whereas I'd be sitting at the bar looking round analysing everything and over thinking rather than letting loose. I think some people are more carefree and just get on with things... people like that are not necessarily less intelligent but I do find they enjoy life more.

That's true @Atadaddicted, but maybe they shouldn't be. As I do agree with what formerbabe is saying.
Surely the goal in life is to be happy; that's the most successful story. So, if your mind allows you to be happy whilst pushing a swing for the millionth time, that's more positive than the person who's pushing that swing wishing they were elsewhere.

Never. I adore my ds so much and can't imagine life without him. Myself and ds tried to conceive him for 4 years so he was very, very wanted. I've loved and still loved every moment as a mum.
It's sad and shocking to hear mothers regretting having their children. It's like they are wishing their children hadn't been born.

I do find it very sad that so many women feel this way - for them and for their children. Perhaps it is related to societal expectations but I also wonder if many who have regrets had much experience of babies and children prior to having them. I have been maternal since my younger sister (6 years younger) was born and can remember acting like a mini mother. I loved babysitting as a teenager and chose a career that involved working with children. I am not stating this as a boast - far from it - but I loved spending time with children, engaging with them and watching them develop and grow. I was chomping at the bit to have my own and although there have been tough times (including developing a life changing illness and disability when my youngest was 4) I have zero regrets.

I feel nothing but profound sympathy for those who feel that way as it must result in such conflicting feelings and heartache. My closest friend is child free and I think she has a wonderful and fulfilling life - as do I ewith my DP and DC. Our lives are very different but we are both lucky in having the life we chose (disregarding my disability which is obviously not so easy).

I think those who are unsure about having children would be advised to spend as much time around babies and children as possible to see the sheer hard graft and relentless monotony and that way they may go in with eyes slightly more open.

For those with children with additional needs I can only say that I think you are remarkable and you have my utmost respect. I see things from a different perspective in that it's me that has additional needs and that throws up other challenges and feelings whereby it's my physical difficulties that restrict my DC's participation and puts the weight on DP. Thankfully he's up to the challenge- for what it's worth I agree that your partner's attitude towards parenthood is unquestionably important and luckily for me we both had nieces and nephews prior to our own DC and it was obvious to me that he would make a great dad because he was genuinely interested in spending time with his nieces and nephews.

Just my views and hopefully I've not offended anyone- I think the more these feelings are shared the easier it may become for the next generation to make the right choice for them.

@BewilderedDoughnut

I find it hard to understand those who say ‘I didn’t know how hard it would be, if I had I wouldn’t have done it”.

I have almost no contact with babies and children. Not many in my family. Large proportion of friends are childfree but I could quite clearly see just from distant observations and sites like this that having children was hard af, largely thankless and exhausting.

Perhaps you just chose not to look.

Or had our kids before there was much available in the way of Internet. Ok I'm ancient but the information I got was from books and magazines where there they pushed an exclusively rosy image of parenthood.

But I think the whole point of the letter is that isn’t momentary, she doesn’t need support or a break - she fundamentally would rather have her old life

Yes, this. It is great that there are so many brilliant parents out there, ones whose children enhanced their lives and who enjoy being parents.

However, there are a lot of people who, while they love their children, hate being a parent; and even on here it's interesting to read some of the mental gymnastics that women are going through to find reasons why they might feel that way - unsupportive partners, lack of family support, etc - but for some women the truth is that they just hate their lives after having children. It's not a lack of support, it's not a yearning to be out partying, it's just that they have realised that they don't like being a parent.

And it's ok to feel that, but it feels like every thread about whether to have children or not seems to have a number of posters who feel that they are being criticised for enjoying parenthood. They are not. It's just that some people don't feel the same way.

I never wanted children and ended up inheriting two when their mother died. They are teens and we are having lots of conversations with them (at their instigation) about their childhood and futures. They loved their mother very much and she loved them, but they knew she struggled and have both said that she should never have had children. They are aware that her problems had an impact on their lives even though she tried very hard to hide it.

Neither of them want children and we support that. They can have a good life without them. They don't need to find worthy things to do, they don't need high flying careers. Neither of them are the hard partying type and have small, close friendship groups. Both of them are introverted and need time alone (like their uncle).

What we need as a society is to be open about the fact that some people don't like being a parent and that in some cases it can ruin someone's life. Instead we get people say that we "will" feel things that not all women or men feel.

There's a real lack of empathy on here. I think the only thing you can truly say about motherhood is that you really have NO idea how it's going to impact you until you actually go and do it.

I had the same naive black and white thinking before I had my DC - "if you can't be a great parent you shouldn't have had children" blah blah. I didn't have a clue and I cringe at my former "opinions".

I mitigated as many "risks" as I could before having DC. They were planned. I was well educated, in my thirties, plenty of money, lovely house, stable relationship etc. etc. it still all went to shit!

I truly thought I would love being a mother. I had no reason to believe otherwise. All I heard my whole life was how wonderful it was. My own mother repeatedly says it was the very best thing she's ever done, she never once even hinted at the negatives. The same with anyone else I know IRL. I was the first of my friends/siblings to have DC so I had no frame of reference other than what I was told by older family members/absorbed from society.

Obviously I knew that you'd be tired/children were demanding but I really did believe that the "love" would render that stuff irrelevant that this incomparable level of awe and adoration would make it all "worthwhile".

I didn't find mumsnet until my DD was born. I had no reason to seek out parenting information until I was already struggling. I'm often envious when I read posts from people considering having DC and they have all this information to weigh things up with. I wish I had stumbled on here five years ago. It's my guiltiest secret that I don't enjoy being a parent. It haunts me. Any time I tried to broach it with the slightest hints to friends/family I've been met with "oh you don't mean that", some dismissive platitude or a quizzical/uncomfortable look.

I put my all into parenting. I love my DC and I certainly don't scream or abuse them. I would never, ever tell them how I feel but I won't be giving them the Disney version of parenthood and will make sure they're more informed than I was before I made this categorical error of judgement. If they decide to have their own DC I hope I can provide as much help as possible and if they want to remain childfree I will support that wholeheartedly too as I think it's a very valid choice that needs to be presented as such to young women.

@Onxob

There's a real lack of empathy on here. I think the only thing you can truly say about motherhood is that you really have NO idea how it's going to impact you until you actually go and do it.

I had the same naive black and white thinking before I had my DC - "if you can't be a great parent you shouldn't have had children" blah blah. I didn't have a clue and I cringe at my former "opinions".

I mitigated as many "risks" as I could before having DC. They were planned. I was well educated, in my thirties, plenty of money, lovely house, stable relationship etc. etc. it still all went to shit!

I truly thought I would love being a mother. I had no reason to believe otherwise. All I heard my whole life was how wonderful it was. My own mother repeatedly says it was the very best thing she's ever done, she never once even hinted at the negatives. The same with anyone else I know IRL. I was the first of my friends/siblings to have DC so I had no frame of reference other than what I was told by older family members/absorbed from society.

Obviously I knew that you'd be tired/children were demanding but I really did believe that the "love" would render that stuff irrelevant that this incomparable level of awe and adoration would make it all "worthwhile".

I didn't find mumsnet until my DD was born. I had no reason to seek out parenting information until I was already struggling. I'm often envious when I read posts from people considering having DC and they have all this information to weigh things up with. I wish I had stumbled on here five years ago. It's my guiltiest secret that I don't enjoy being a parent. It haunts me. Any time I tried to broach it with the slightest hints to friends/family I've been met with "oh you don't mean that", some dismissive platitude or a quizzical/uncomfortable look.

I put my all into parenting. I love my DC and I certainly don't scream or abuse them. I would never, ever tell them how I feel but I won't be giving them the Disney version of parenthood and will make sure they're more informed than I was before I made this categorical error of judgement. If they decide to have their own DC I hope I can provide as much help as possible and if they want to remain childfree I will support that wholeheartedly too as I think it's a very valid choice that needs to be presented as such to young women.

What a great post, really well articulated.

Name changed for this. I had DS at 22. He was very much wanted and I'd always wanted to be a mum for as long as I can remember. The reality of actually being a mum is very different and I hate it most of the time.

I've been a single parent since his dad walked at when he was 4 months old. He has ASD/ADHD and although mild it makes life a constant battle.

I have support in the form of my parents but I'm lonely and would love to meet someone.

He's 12 now and I can finally see light at the end of what has been a very long tunnel.

I love DS and always do my best for him, but if I could go back I certainly wouldn't have had any and I would never have another. Even without his additional needs I just think I'm not cut out for motherhood

Even women who regret it, still mostly love and want the best for their kids. If they didn't, they'd walk away wouldn't they. Or abandon their children at the council ss offices.

I have a theory that women who enjoy motherhood the most are slightly oblivious types...I think women who struggle are usually fairly analytical and can see how objectively crap parenthood is.

I think there's all sorts. Personally, I think I'm probably a bit of a life-is-a-battle-field-where-you-try-to-fight-the-good-fight person.

My children are really nice people but one of them is disabled and suffers chronic pain; the fight to get her support and be there for her has quite possibly knocked years off my life.

Of course I wish that hadn't happened to her, but if it had to and if she can still have a life that is on balance worth it, then I'm very glad I was the person who was there to stand by her side, because quite frankly I don't think anyone else could have done better.

I am enormously proud of the person she has become
and I am proud to have had a part in that. If that has cost me in terms of health and success, then I am happy to have been the one to pay that price if it had to be paid. I have never had to cope with even a fraction of what she has had to cope with, so if a little of that burden could go on my shoulders instead of hers, then I am glad.

Do I wish she had never been born? Only if she wishes it.

I'm grateful that this is being talked about more openly. My DM did not like being a Mother at all and was quite vocal about it. I love being a Mum but that's just how I feel.

I don't agree that children can't tell their Mother regrets them. I think they can tell but it depends on how much the regret is there. Some Mothers hate their lives whilst others just have a mild regret which is probably not noticeable.
I think I could name people in my life who regret having children. It's definitely not for everyone.

For those saying why have more children? I would imagine having a sibling would make the children's life easier.

When they are being little buggers ofcourse I miss those old days. Today in the rain we are having a nice time and if I didn't have my kids it would be a sad lonely day.

I’ve never regretted my kids. I didn’t have kids until I was in my mid to late thirties. My friend had them earlier in life and missed so much travelling with us and night outs but now her kids are older but you know what , she regrets it says it’s not the same going out now as opposed to when we were younger, says she lost the best part of her life m. I feel I’ve done a lot and haven’t missed out but I’m tired a lot more nowadays lol but even when they go their dads I miss them and look forward to the rest but I feel lost without my kids and just love having them around when they are fighting and it’s so loud again at home. Nope I never regret having them at all and who they are.

@corythatwas

I know where you're coming from. My DD1 is very challenging, but I also know that I will never know what it was like for her and DD2 to have been removed from their birth parents at birth and then from their foster carers at one year old.

So bearing that in mind does help me not to get completely frustrated at those times when she's challenging. (Not that I didn't long for the old days when she tried to hit me with a rounders bat on one occasion or when she stamped on my foot hard enough to give me a big bruise.)

And now, my own health is damaged, my MH is fragile due to PTSD, and now I also have CFS and long Covid. But my DH has really stepped up to the plate and is doing a lot more than he was previously, helped by WFH now.

So interesting reading all of these. My kids made my life so much better. I would hate my life without them. Though with my first I think I had undiagnosed PND as was on autopilot and only actually felt that overwhelming feeling if live when he was about 3. He said something, something silly and love just rushed over me.

Of love** sorry for typos