Mum says she wishes she never had children as 'life was better without them'

[toothfairy73]

I have just seen this headline in a Newspaper. A anonymous mum has written this letter stating the above.

apple.news/A7zR8oawtR6OFxqP2tijb6g

What are your thoughts? I'm sure we have all had moments where we miss our old lives. It sounds like it is written by someone deeply unhappy and in need of some support. AIBU to think this is someone who is desperate for a bit of time alone and some support?What do you think?

It's more common than people want to believe.

I still struggle with seeing myself as worth anything, because my mother regretted having me so much.

My mother regretting having me - affected every area of my life.

I thought that I wasn't worth anything - so I developed eating disorders, I was mentally unwell for a long time, I would go with really awful and abusive men - because I thought that I wasn't worth anything.

@IdkickJilliansass

I’d definitely be a parent given the choice again but this time I’d be a dad 😂

THIS! Love my kids so much but would love to be a second parent. I'm happily a woman married to a man though but I do think they get a great deal of all the good bits.

My Nanny always told us that she wished she hadn’t had child and to her granddaughters do not get tied down with having children and to a man

I believe she regretted it but never ever do I question how much she loved us we came before anything she adored us all and wasn’t resentful

But if she lived her life again and could have had the choice (very different society then) yes I think she would have not had children or got married

I don’t feel that way at all like my Nanny But I think many men and women do (I would say more men)

My mum feels that way and she is resentful (With her I never came first)

@Sarahpaula She didn't deserve you, she messed up not you. ❤

@CarolVordermansBum yep me too. I wish had the chance to share the load, just to know it's not always me doing the bath or reading the story. I love my children, I have some lovely moments with them, but sometimes it's just too much daily grind . It grates especially on a weekend when my DH is doing whatever sweet FA without two kids hanging off his leg

Dug up the family tree the other day, nope not literally well almost!

I wonder what a mum in say 1770 would say today?. Back then a woman was seemingly pregnant for most all her reproductive life. 14 to 16 pregancies and births were commonplace but owing to childhood illness and infant mortality very few, sometimes as few two per mother lived to adulthood.

This went on for years untill around the 1900's and after that time it got better with medical advances and vaccination..

No, I never did. But then I was lucky. I was young , fit and healthy so I had no problems having them. They were all as good as gold , most of the time , and slept through from 3 months plus we could afford a cleaner from the get go and my man was always hands on. That said I didn’t want anymore and so I elected to be sterilised. I think having them so young made a difference and I was able to resume my medical career from a relatively early age too. How single parents manage I don’t know, must be like plate spinning in an earthquake.

I've never felt like this, not even at the toughest moments.
Before I had them I was anxious about things like travel and whilst I had a good job I felt directionless.
Since they've been around I have done so much more because I want them to have experiences and a great life. They have pushed me to help them experience what is good about the world and stopped me from bumbling along. I find it to be a great privilege, although I recognize that things are easier for me than some as neither child has additional needs.

I feel both ways- privileged, overwhelmed with love and that my life is richer for having children. But also exhausted physically and emotionally, drained by the constant worry, and carrying a longing for a different, easier life.
SN comes into it. I worked with dc with sn before I had dc, and I had no idea what it would be like being a parent to one. I thought I was able for anything. But I had no concept that working a 50 hour week, with shit pay, in poor conditions would be a walk in the park in comparison to the relentless, grinding responsibility of parenting a dc with asd.
My dc2 is neurotypical so there’s always a tantalising glimpse of what parenting might have been like if things had been otherwise.
Posters keep asking why have more than one dc. For me the biological urge was overwhelming. From the moment I gave birth I wanted another dc - despite having hated pregnancy and birth and struggling with pna. It wasn’t an intellectual decision; it was raw, biological craving. Dh was done after two and stood firm, and the pain (sometimes physical) of not being able to have a third was almost unbearable. It’s less intense now than it was, but I can still feel the intense sadness and regret at not having more children, at the exact same time that I regret bringing my dc into this awful world and fear for their future.
I love being a mother, but it is also an enormous sacrifice. It’s not so much about the life I could have lived, but the person I could have been. I would love to be able to set down the burden of responsibility and worry and be carefree again. But if I could travel back in time to the crossroads and choose a different path I don’t know what I would do.
It’s not a simple feeling at all.

@kateybeth79

I was never maternal, hated other people's kids and for that reason didn't get pregnant until I was 31, but it was the best thing I've ever done! Having kids has made me a much better, more selfless person and I just love being a mum! Don't get me wrong, it's bloody exhausting and hard work, especially as I work full time and suffer with Bipolar. But if I had to go back in time, I would do it again in a heartbeat! The idea of being childless is really upsetting to me, but I understand not everyone feels that way.

I never wanted children and never had them. What made you change your mind in the end if you don't mind my asking?

I have a 16 month old and it may not be relevant but I also had a very traumatic birth.

I may not be qualified to answer this yet but no I've never regretted having her and I'd do it all again in an instant.

I sometimes remember with fondness the times I came home from work (I work full time) and just did nothing all night and didn't have the bedtime routine etc to worry about but it doesn't compare to my life now.

She brings us so much joy, I love watching her growing and becoming her own little person!

I'd only have one more though for practical & financial reasons.

I do wonder if my husband regrets it, (he's younger than me) he's a wonderful father but I think he mainly worries about going through the birth again & he loves his sleep

To add.... I'm saying this and she's currently been awake since 2.30am (teeth ) and still going strong! Still don't regret it, she's worth being tired for

I had my first child when I was 22 so never really had a child free grown up life to know what I’m missing. I am enjoying my adult children now and with my eldest reaching 22 half my life has been with my children!

I don’t regret having them. I sometimes wish I’d stopped at two though. We had four and their dad left when my youngest was two so I raised the two older ones mainly with the other parent but the two younger ones mainly alone which has been hard. I find that I’m a bit weary of child rearing now going through the same stuff again. I often wonder if it would be different if their dad had still been here.

I’m lucky that I have a lot of family support but children have restricted the hours I can work, my job was chosen around what worked for the kids so I didn’t have the career I might have had. I haven’t travelled as much as I could have without having a family. However I think despite wanting time to myself a bit more often I don’t regret them and I like the idea of grandchildren in the future etc.

I have been a mum for 5 months, so I've only been a mum for all of 5 minutes, but even in the darkest night, the third consecutive day of screaming, the three months of pregnancy I was on crutches and unable to walk, the resurgance of some MH issues early on (nipped in the bud thank goodness) I can honestly say, hand on heart, I have never regretted my baby.

Wow @Sarahpaula really?! I’m so astonished by that. I can only think of one person who I think might regret having kids, though she’s never said.

I have never for a moment regretted having kids. Life is harder but so much better for having them here, for me. But I don’t feel like we’ve had to give much up - we just got them involved in our travel, hobbies, eating out etc from the earliest days. We have obviously been very lucky that they’ve all been healthy and NT and that’s been possible.

I am currently away from my family, retraining to get back into the workforce. Single life is lonely and boring. I can't wait to get back to them and be covered in kisses and in amongst all the chaos and noise.

Not me. The urge was strong with me, and having kids has always felt right. I adore my two and don't regret being a mother one bit. They have made me a better version of myself. If I could go back in time I would change very little.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

I think people feel like this more and more now because there is so much competitive parenting. Social media, this idea that children have to be constantly entertained and taught. I also (working with children) notice more and more that children are allowed to get away with shitty behaviour and their parents seem to think there is nothing they can do but put on the gentle nice voice and ask them to "please not do that". Everyone is expected to keep their temper all the time and be the best parent in the world. It's draining.

This!! At one point I really started questioning all this "you have to play with your kids", yes sometimes obviously, but more in order to teach them something new, make them look further, not as their playmate. It would be so draining and boring to play with the kids all the time and it's not our role as parents. I enjoy going for bike rides with my 6 yo, well - enjoyed because currently pregnant, playing some board games, but I openly say to him that I don't like movies for kids so he watches them alone. I like lego but he prefers to do it by himself. He also needed to learn to entertain himself!

I am so sorry about what happened to you, SarahPaula. That was so wrong and your mother was a horrible person to do that to you. There is no justifying what she did.

Those saying “I had a child because I felt an intense urge” there has to be more to the decision making process that that. The world would fall apart if we all acted on our urges.

I think the people who regret having children tend to be the ones who give up the most freedom.

I ofte see this happening to friends and family members, who spend all of their waking moments catering to their children - the ones who have given up good careers to be SAHMs for a variety of reasons, the ones who try to combine work with their children's intensive after-school schedules (I know one mum who spends 6/7 days ferrying her children around to various activities after work), those who have uninvolved partners and those who feel the pressure to keep up with the social media image of having children.

Childcare nowadays is far more intensive than it was 100 years ago, where children would be sent to play out for hours on end and often, even at a young age (say, 6 years and up), disappear for a few hours to play with friends. Over-protective laws and the idea that children need 24/7 entertainment have a lot to answer for.

Example, my mum did not need to worry about before- and after-school care as I was walking myself to and from school aged 6 onwards, and as a typical latchkey child would reheat food once home and then just entertain myself for a few hours until she came home. Unthinkable these days, SS would be involved in no time. My children's primaries both explicitly stipulate that children must be brought in and collected by an adult until year 5 - aged 10. That alone adds and extra 4 years' worth of pressure and monetary issues.

That's not even to mention the idea that a typical childhood weekend for me would have been "stayed at home and played", while when you read the school teddy's adventures now, which display a "typical weekend" appear to often involve theme park trips, intensive games, various out-of-school activities and so much active involvement, children whose weekends were like my own childhood ones would be seen as having a boring life.

TLDR, pressures have shifted massively, making mums' lives fade in the background in preference of a fun-filled childhood for their children. No wonder so many women are now miserable.

Life was definitely better before I had my son. Sorry but it was. And I don't need extra support either: I have a lovely DH, a supportive extended family, a good, flexible job and my DS is a pretty easy child.

But I couldn't recommend motherhood to anyone. Honestly, I couldn't, especially if you are a sensitive person. I've noticed that people who are thicker skinned just get on with it and seem to pop out multiple kids without a second thought.

I don't know how or why. The sheer overwhelming anxiety about my DS on its own is enough to put me off another for life. Your life is no longer your own, it's forever tied to another person. That phrase about your heart walking round outside your body is completely true.

I love my DS. The thought of anything happening to him is unbearable. But if I'd known what motherhood was, I wouldn't have done it.

I don’t regret having children. I long to live off grid somewhere in the middle of nowhere a lot... there are times where I wish I didn’t have to take a couple of kids with me. Overall I think it’s a few hours a week me time I am craving!