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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to request to clean his house?

881 replies

Rose789 · 03/10/2020 01:32

I feel like a bitch and I’m awake at 1am worrying about it.
My brother and sil have 3 kids. Between ages of 4-10 (so all in school)
Brother works full time sil works part time (3 days a week)
Kids spend every Saturday night at their grandparents house.
Sil has been signed off for work for depression and is struggling and finding it difficult to get the motivation to do anything.
I text sil and told her if she ever needed any support or someone to listen I’m here for her.
Spoke to my brother told him if there was anything I can do to help let me know e.g if they wanted me to have the kids overnight or if they got stuck with the school run.

He’s messaged today saying what would be the most helpful is if I could go round and clean the house as it’s a bomb site and sil isn’t doing any housework and he hasn’t got time with kids.
I’ve said no for several reasons

  1. I have my own house to clean. Yes it’s hard trying to clean around kids I understand that. But that’s the same for everyone. The oldest 2 are more then old enough to start helping in the house but they have no chores at all. They will eat sweets and just drop the wrapper on the floor. Have a drink and the cup just gets put anywhere.

  2. My dad has a lot of health issues. As a result I spend at least one day and one evening a week cleaning his house doing his washing making meals, getting shopping. My brother occasionally visits and doesn’t help at all.

  3. I was ill at the start of the year and spent a lot of time in hospital. Dh managed to clean the house, look after the kids and visit me, and work full time. Brother and sil picked up dd from school on one day. No other help- or offers to help.

  4. the kids are at their grandparents every single Saturday night. Blitz the place when they are gone if you can’t do it when they are there.
    I would kill for a night off every single week.

I know my reasons are valid. But I do also feel awful for sil I have been in a similar position where everything was just too much of an effort even getting out of bed. While the mess and dishes and washing piled up around me. It’s an awful place to be and it might help her if the house is clean and tidy and she doesn’t need to worry about it. But she has a husband who is just as capable as she is at stepping up and doing the cleaning.
I’m such a people pleaser I’m really struggling to stick to my guns and refuse to help.
I’m not being unreasonable am I?

OP posts:
vodkaredbullgirl · 03/10/2020 01:35

He needs to either do it himself or get a cleaner in to help.

Anordinarymum · 03/10/2020 01:36

They could always get a cleaning company to come in a do a one off spring clean. I am sure there are companies who do this.

Don't be their cleaner. Help in other ways. A bit cheeky really of him to ask, but easily remedied.

JunkCrumpet · 03/10/2020 01:37

Honestly, YABU. Not because you don't want to clean his house but because you offered to help when you don't want to help. You explicitly asked him if there was anything you could do to help and when he said there was, you decided you couldn't be bothered.
Don't offer something you're not willing to give or make promises you're not willing to keep. In their position I'd know that you don't mean what you say.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 03/10/2020 01:38

Is there any reason why he can't do it? Working FT is not an excuse. Especially if they get Sat night without kids. Either that or hire a cleaner.

OldAndWornOut · 03/10/2020 01:40

You did ask if there was anything you could do...

violetbunny · 03/10/2020 01:41

I think that given you offered and asked how you could support, YANBU to say no. They must be struggling or they likely wouldn't have asked. Why not set yourself a time limit - say 2 hours - go around and blitz as much of the mess as you can in that time.

violetbunny · 03/10/2020 01:42

Oops, that was a typo, I meant YABU. Given you asked them explicitly how you could help.

Jojobar · 03/10/2020 01:42

I agree with the above, it's fine not to want to do their cleaning but in saying you'd help with anything - and then refusing - you've made it look as though it wasn't actually a genuine offer. I'd actually feel a bit put out in your brother's shoes, you volunteer, he calls you up on it and you say no!

Original poster
Rose789 · 03/10/2020 01:42

I don’t think a cleaner is an option for a financial point of view.
@junkcrumpet I offered to do the school run or have the kids overnight, and offered emotional support and a listening ear to them.

OP posts:
JunkCrumpet · 03/10/2020 01:43

@Rose789

I don’t think a cleaner is an option for a financial point of view. *@junkcrumpet* I offered to do the school run or have the kids overnight, and offered emotional support and a listening ear to them.
You said you'd asked if there was anything you could do to help. Those were your words, not mine. You said that you had offered. YABU to pretend you care tbh. Just be honest with people.
TheLastStarfighter · 03/10/2020 01:44

I think you are confusing wanting to help your SIL with being pissed off at your brother.

You said you wanted to help you SIL. This will help her. The fact that your brother is a lazy arse is irrelevant to your ability to give her the help that she needs.

Your resentment of your brother seem to be clouding the issue.

If she was your friend, and not married to your brother, would that make you see things differently?

TwixTwixtwoo · 03/10/2020 01:44

You're not BU to say no but I'd be interested to know whether you specified the examples of help you would be happy to offer to DB as you did in your OP or whether you just said 'let me know if I can help'? I'm finding more and more that I need to be specific with people about what help I'm actually offering because my idea of what's reasonable for them to ask for often seems to differ from theirs!

Your reasons for saying no are valid though, I wouldn't want to do it in your shoes either but it's a situation easily avoided by only offering what you're happy to do next time, then there's no opportunity for people to take the piss.

jay55 · 03/10/2020 01:45

So he could take you up in your offer to have the kids, and do the cleaning himself during that time, but he'd rather you did the cleaning?

dinosnorezzzz · 03/10/2020 01:47

I'm sorry but I also think YABU. It sounds like they are struggling at the minute and your offer was "let me know if there is anything I can do to help." Your DB asked and you said no. That must have been mortifying. I know personally as an adult I would feel so embarrassed to need help with the cleaning it would take a lot to ask someone to help me with that. Also no one said it was a regular thing, maybe just doing it once would help them see the wood for the trees so to speak.

TheLastStarfighter · 03/10/2020 01:48

@jay55

So he could take you up in your offer to have the kids, and do the cleaning himself during that time, but he'd rather you did the cleaning?
Oh, actually that’s a really good point. HmmI change my vote! Why can’t he do that?
Anordinarymum · 03/10/2020 01:50

So if getting a cleaner is not an option, tell him you will help him to clean the house. I don't think you should do it on your own

chardonm · 03/10/2020 01:50

Offer to have the kids over so he scan clean.

Topseyt · 03/10/2020 01:50

Not unreasonable at all. You are not his servant.

To me the help I would be willing to offer would be things like taking the kids off their hands for a while, school run occasionally or dropping off shopping.

Expecting you to come and clean up their house is taking the piss. He can do it himself.

cheeseychovolate · 03/10/2020 01:50

His wife's depressed and that can be debilitating, he's got the children to look after, why not just do it, it's one less thing for your brother to think about? If you're offering to help out, then there shouldn't be a caveat put on your offer.

JunkCrumpet · 03/10/2020 01:53

I know that when I was struggling with depression, I wanted DH with me because he was one thing that made me happy and cheered me up. I was depressed because I was bed bound with another illness so physically couldn't do housework (I was completely bed bound with a catheter, I never left the bed). He couldn't do housework because when he wasn't working, I practically demanded that he sit on the bed with me so I didn't feel so lost and broken and alone. This isn't unusual for people with depression.
That's just one very valid reason why it would be far more helpful for OP to help with housework than to take the kids, because he can look after the kids and be with SIL at the same time - he can't do housework and be with SIL at the same time. I don't know the ins and outs of their situation but it's unfair to assume he's being lazy (especially because, in my experience, looking after kids is much harder work than cleaning the house).

Terrace58 · 03/10/2020 01:55

You did offer to help. If you don’t want to clean taking the kids for a day so he can do it is a good suggestion

cbt944 · 03/10/2020 01:55

Well, it's not like it would be a one-off job, is it.

Seeingadistance · 03/10/2020 01:56

You offered to help and when they let you know how you can help, you change your mind.

Original poster
Rose789 · 03/10/2020 01:57

I take on board the points that I offered to help. I said if there’s anything I can do to help or if you need me to do the school run or have the kids.
To me that means reach out if you physically can’t get out of bed to take the kids to school. Or you have a doctors appointment and will struggle to be back in time to pick the kids up. Or you need to do the cleaning and a mountain of laundry let me know if you need the kids to come round for a couple of hours/ tea after school or a sleepover. Not come and do those things for me because my wife normally does it.
We’re on local lockdown and while I can provide childcare for the kids, and continue to care for my dad, going in to their house to clean isn’t on the list.
I feel bad for saying no because I very rarely do because I’m such a people pleaser

OP posts:
user1471457751 · 03/10/2020 02:01

I don't think @JunkCrumpet you can generalise like that - when I'm suffering from depression I like to be left completely alone and my oh cleaning would be much more appreciated than him sitting next to me.
And I don't see how he can look after the kids and be with his wife but not clean and be with his wife. Unless he keeps them in one room all day